ChrisTJ Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Hi All, I really would like everyones opinion, i would greatly appreciate your comments, good or bad, im open to all. My GF is 28 years old, and ive been together with her for 8 months.. I love her a lot and she knows how i feel about her and she has told me she feels the same way and i rly can see this... Im just completely not sure what to think of my GF after discovering a piece of paper titled "My Past" with a list of guys names (I found the paper hidden near her bedside table) ...reading a total of 28 names and me being on the top of the list....(me the latest) I know for sure that this is the number of sexual partners she has had, what i dont understand is...why the hell would you make a list of all the guys you slept in the past.... Look.. we have had already discussed in the beginning of our relationship about our sexual past, she admitted to me that she was a party girl and that she had done some things in the past which she isnt that proud of like having fck buddies, threesomes, bonking in public places bluh bluh u get what i mean... and she says she has changed... Shes only had 2 srs BF relationships, me being the 3rd, and that all the other guys (she wudnt tell me how many) was just for fun or just to date and 'stuff'.... i dont know why but it makes me feel sick when i listen to her past....she tells me she has changed but the last guy she slept with before me was 3 months before she met me(i asked her cause she asked me the same) .... and it wasnt srs...and in my head im saying to myself...'how the hell is that saying that youve changed in less then 3 months????'.. Her last srs bf which was her 2nd one, was 2 years before me....so i got no clue how many guys shes been with in between that...err well actually i prob do know since i saw how many guys on the piece of paper. She has asked me how many partners ive had, and ive told the the truth, ive only had 5, 2 of which were srs... and the rest were girls that i just wanted to try to have fun with...but it wasnt for me...i had way too much self respect to sleep around, When i asked her the same question, she told me that she didnt want to tell me, cause she was scared of wat i wud think of her, she just kept saying, thats shes 'changed'... that 'it doesnt matter the past is the past'... but i kept pushign her to tell me then she just said 10, and i said ok whatever.... Anyways what im trying to ask you all is, should i bring up what i found out? Like...is it wrong for me to bring up the past...the thing thats getting to me is, why the fck wud u make a list of guys that your slept with....to me its like saying "im so proud to have this many guys at 28 years old".... During the early stages of the relationship i already knew deep down inside once i started to get to know her better that shes been with more then 20 ppl, and thats without me knowing about the paper...i just always had a gut feeling..i didnt say anything about it, cause i accepted that the past is the past.....But why the fck wud u make a paper, and i know its recent cause my name is on the top of the list. I want to believe that shes changed but...even when we dated, we slept together after 4 dates.. and she told me that she thought that was long... and im like..."ur kidding me right...?" Please help me out... i dont know wat to do, i want to be with her and believe shes changed but how do i when she does immature things like that..
threebyfate Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Okay, now that's bizarre behaviour, if it's really a list of guys she's slept with. Are you 100% certain this is a list of guys she's slept with, rather than something more innocent? All you can do is to ask her about the list and her reactions and response will tell you all you need to know.
temple Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Weird weird weird behaviour but despite all that, why are you on the 'My Past' list, shouldn't you be on 'My Present'?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Weird weird weird behaviour but despite all that, why are you on the 'My Past' list, shouldn't you be on 'My Present'? Good point. I would like to add that it's true the past is the past, but given that she's been with so many, I have to question whether she's used birth control. I know alot of guys are hesitant to want to sleep with someone with that many past partners.
Johnny M Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Im just completely not sure what to think of my GF after discovering a piece of paper titled "My Past" with a list of guys names (I found the paper hidden near her bedside table) ...reading a total of 28 names and me being on the top of the list....(me the latest) Maybe it's a kind of a trophy list (sort of like a sniper who makes a notch on his rifle after each kill). Or maybe she's afraid that she would forget all the guys that she slept with....after all, 28 is a large number. I imagine it would be pretty embarrassing to, say, have a friend set you up with a guy only to find out it's one of your exes Look.. we have had already discussed in the beginning of our relationship about our sexual past, she admitted to me that she was a party girl and that she had done some things in the past which she isnt that proud of like having fck buddies, threesomes, bonking in public places bluh bluh u get what i mean... and she says she has changed... She has only changed her overt behavior because: a) she's getting older (being a party girl might be 'cool' at 20, but when you're close to 30, such antics make you look pretty stupid); and b) her biological clock is ticking and she knows that she has to settle down. What hasn't changed, however, is the kind of person she is on the inside. And that will never change. The kind of woman you are describing is simply incapable of remaining faithful and there is little doubt that she would cheat on you eventually. Remember, once a slut, always a slut. You are making a serious mistake by pursuing a long-term relationship with such a woman.
BobSacamento Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Perhaps it's a Christmas list. Congrats you made the list! You just feel inferior because your list is shorter.
Pleco Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Maybe it's a kind of a trophy list (sort of like a sniper who makes a notch on his rifle after each kill). Or maybe she's afraid that she would forget all the guys that she slept with....after all, 28 is a large number. I imagine it would be pretty embarrassing to, say, have a friend set you up with a guy only to find out it's one of your exes She has only changed her overt behavior because: a) she's getting older (being a party girl might be 'cool' at 20, but when you're close to 30, such antics make you look pretty stupid); and b) her biological clock is ticking and she knows that she has to settle down. What hasn't changed, however, is the kind of person she is on the inside. And that will never change. The kind of woman you are describing is simply incapable of remaining faithful and there is little doubt that she would cheat on you eventually. Remember, once a slut, always a slut. You are making a serious mistake by pursuing a long-term relationship with such a woman. Wtf? Your girlfriend had fun in her younger days. Deal with it. I know TONS of guys like this and almost as many girls. Most of them are great people, but we are young (low 20s) and they are just having fun. My dad slept with 50+ women when he was younger (don't ask me how I know this) but now he's a great father and an incredibly loyal husband. I was my partner's 28th girl, and he is very loyal now as well. Some people can be extremely committed to relationships, but when they are NOT in relationships, they have their fun. It's not a bad thing. This site is pretty conservative, but nowadays women are opening up and aren't afraid to explore their sexuality. Be glad you have a woman like this, AS LONG AS she is faithful to you and you have a good relationship otherwise.
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Remember, once a slut, always a slut. You are making a serious mistake by pursuing a long-term relationship with such a woman. That is absolutely not true. A very good friend of mine had a "wild patch" in college after she went through a nuclear bomb style breakup with her then ex. Yes, she did some things she isn't too proud of now, but she has changed and has settled down with a guy who is very good for her. He also knows all about her past and is fine with it. She is a different/better person from that stretch of time in college. If you have feelings for this girl, then the past should not matter. Seriously, it is just that: the past. My prediction is bringing this up to her will only upset her and you and consequentiality seriously jeopardize the relationship. If she is exhibiting that same behavior now then that is a whole different situation, but since she seems to have changed, then there really isn't an issue. Leave it alone and be happy with her. You will thank yourself later when you are still with her and happy.
Author ChrisTJ Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Maybe it's a kind of a trophy list (sort of like a sniper who makes a notch on his rifle after each kill). Or maybe she's afraid that she would forget all the guys that she slept with....after all, 28 is a large number. I imagine it would be pretty embarrassing to, say, have a friend set you up with a guy only to find out it's one of your exes She has only changed her overt behavior because: a) she's getting older (being a party girl might be 'cool' at 20, but when you're close to 30, such antics make you look pretty stupid); and b) her biological clock is ticking and she knows that she has to settle down. What hasn't changed, however, is the kind of person she is on the inside. And that will never change. The kind of woman you are describing is simply incapable of remaining faithful and there is little doubt that she would cheat on you eventually. Remember, once a slut, always a slut. You are making a serious mistake by pursuing a long-term relationship with such a woman. Johnny pretty much summed it up quite well about her getting older and about her biological clock as she has brang up that topic a few times (her bio clock) and a lot of her frens around her are already starting to get married.... I am definitely positive that list is of all her sexual encounters...and wat gets to me about her past dates is that she even admits to me that she goes for the really good looking or model looking guys.... i dunno what the hell am i supposed to think of that.. A lot of my mates have told me the same thing about her and that i could do a lot better and she has way too much baggage.... BUT all her Family, frens, and watever absolutely adore me....and can see how sweet and caring i am to her so its making it harder for me to just do this and let her go as im quite close to her family...i have a feeling that her frens are a bad influence on her though....those party type of girls that enjoy getting drunks and doing those recreational drugs... I dunno if im making a mistake by not giving her a chance..but at the same time i dont want to waste time by letting this drag on if i know it wont work because of the way she is.. Anyways should i just get it over with and bring up that stupid list she made?....it just makes me feel sick knowing that that many people have slept with her...am i being too old fashioned or something?
boogieboy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I dont know what you were doing snooping around in her stuff...you sure she didnt plant that there? Were you already suspicious of something to make you look for this? SHe is suspicious acting, since she knows that you would run if you really know her past. So screw her family, can you live with her past? If you cant, then dump her. I say dont bring it up until it REALLY bugs you, and think about if you can live without her, and want to start over with someone else. Really, her past isnt what you have to worry about, you better make sure you keep on your p's and q's, or she just might be the cheating kind. otherwise she should be faithful. Mind you, since shes been with 28 guys, she knows just what to say to keep your head in the clouds...make sure you watch her carefully, and watch your own behavior. If she cheats on you, it will only be because of something youre not giving her-or giving too much of.
Pleco Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Johnny pretty much summed it up quite well about her getting older and about her biological clock as she has brang up that topic a few times (her bio clock) and a lot of her frens around her are already starting to get married.... I am definitely positive that list is of all her sexual encounters...and wat gets to me about her past dates is that she even admits to me that she goes for the really good looking or model looking guys.... i dunno what the hell am i supposed to think of that.. A lot of my mates have told me the same thing about her and that i could do a lot better and she has way too much baggage.... BUT all her Family, frens, and watever absolutely adore me....and can see how sweet and caring i am to her so its making it harder for me to just do this and let her go as im quite close to her family...i have a feeling that her frens are a bad influence on her though....those party type of girls that enjoy getting drunks and doing those recreational drugs... I dunno if im making a mistake by not giving her a chance..but at the same time i dont want to waste time by letting this drag on if i know it wont work because of the way she is.. Anyways should i just get it over with and bring up that stupid list she made?....it just makes me feel sick knowing that that many people have slept with her...am i being too old fashioned or something? LOL yes you are being way too old fashioned. This is 2010 babe! And you are upset because your girlfriend went after very attractive guys? At least she didn't have low standards! If she were a guy, this would be no big deal. Sounds like you have some serious insecurities. As long as you see that she is faithful to you and she's not just partying anymore, then you need to move past this. Grow up hun.
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) I've made a list before with names but only so that I had an accurate account for the when I had the talk with my now wife.. that way I was able to commit a number to memory and wouldn't make the dumb mistake of having moving numbers thru the years of my marriage nothing like being totally accurate I made the list and committed the number to memory and then promptly tossed the list in the trash.. I would like to say that making a list isn't bad at all... What bothers me is that your GF has kept the list and it is by her bedside.. that means to me that the list is an active list and that also means that in her mind it will be going higher. and your GF is not a slut.. and the post that says a slut is always a slut has zero truth or reality in it and was posted by someone who hasn't lived enough years to know that numbers mean nothing in the end. Just have fun in this relationship and forget about the list.. you never know.. you could be the one that makes her throw the list in the trash. Edited January 14, 2010 by Art_Critic
Johnny M Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 That is absolutely not true. A very good friend of mine had a "wild patch" in college after she went through a nuclear bomb style breakup with her then ex. Yes, she did some things she isn't too proud of now, but she has changed and has settled down with a guy who is very good for her. He also knows all about her past and is fine with it. She is a different/better person from that stretch of time in college. I don't think you quite understand what I said in my post above. Or maybe you just like to pretend that you didn't. As I already stated, people are capable of changing their overt behavior. So yes, a woman like your 'friend' or OP's girlfriend can make an effort to settle down....for a while anyway. But she cannot change who she is on the inside. People are rarely capable of changing major aspects of their personality. Do you know anybody who was a lazy unemployed slob for most of their life only to become a workaholic one day? Do you know anyone who was a cruel, sadistic cruel SOB and suddenly transformed into a genuinely compassionate, sweet individual? The same goes for sexual promiscuity. A slut may settle down with some guy who is nice to her, and she may even be loyal to him for a while. But eventually she will cheat on him; that's practically guaranteed. It's kind of like a thief who is forced to take on an honest job because he doesn't want to go back to jail. Don't think for a second that he wouldn't steal from you if an opportunity presented itself and he knew that he could get away with it. So like I said: once a slut, always a slut.
OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I know for sure that this is the number of sexual partners she has had, what i dont understand is...why the hell would you make a list of all the guys you slept in the past.... Maybe you could ask her. Look.. we have had already discussed in the beginning of our relationship about our sexual past, she admitted to me that she was a party girl and that she had done some things in the past which she isnt that proud of like having fck buddies, threesomes, bonking in public places bluh bluh u get what i mean... and she says she has changed... She was open with you about her past, admitted she did things she's not proud of, and said (and appears to have demonstrated) that she has changed. That's all you need to know. Shes only had 2 srs BF relationships, me being the 3rd, and that all the other guys (she wudnt tell me how many) was just for fun or just to date and 'stuff'.... How many isn't your business. All you need to know is "I was a party girl, I did some things I'm not proud of, realized that's not what I want, and I changed." i dont know why but it makes me feel sick when i listen to her past....she tells me she has changed but the last guy she slept with before me was 3 months before she met me(i asked her cause she asked me the same) .... and it wasnt srs...and in my head im saying to myself...'how the hell is that saying that youve changed in less then 3 months????'.. If you feel that way, you should break up with her. Was this someone she was dating and slept with (JUST LIKE SHE DID WITH YOU), or was this some guy she met in a bar when she was wasted and ****ed in the bathroom while another guy filmed it? The first is evidence of change; the second scenario is not. She has asked me how many partners ive had, and ive told the the truth, ive only had 5, 2 of which were srs... and the rest were girls that i just wanted to try to have fun with...but it wasnt for me...i had way too much self respect to sleep around, Get off your high horse When i asked her the same question, she told me that she didnt want to tell me, cause she was scared of wat i wud think of her, she just kept saying, thats shes 'changed'... that 'it doesnt matter the past is the past'... but i kept pushign her to tell me then she just said 10, and i said ok whatever.... Apparently with good reason. And she's right; the past is the past, and is none of your business. Anyways what im trying to ask you all is, should i bring up what i found out? Like...is it wrong for me to bring up the past...the thing thats getting to me is, why the fck wud u make a list of guys that your slept with....to me its like saying "im so proud to have this many guys at 28 years old".... Yes, it's wrong of you to bring up the past. However, go ahead and ask her why she made the list if you want. Probably you're better off just breaking up with her (it sounds like you're really insecure and have issues with her behavior and number, so probably you two aren't compatible). You deserve someone who has similar goals and morals; she deserves someone who will not judge her and will respect her. I want to believe that shes changed but...even when we dated, we slept together after 4 dates.. and she told me that she thought that was long... and im like..."ur kidding me right...?" You did it too. If you had a problem with it, that's probably when you should have stopped seeing her, rather than dragging it out for several months.
Johnny M Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 LOL yes you are being way too old fashioned. This is 2010 babe! And you are upset because your girlfriend went after very attractive guys? At least she didn't have low standards! If she were a guy, this would be no big deal. Sounds like you have some serious insecurities. As long as you see that she is faithful to you and she's not just partying anymore, then you need to move past this. Grow up hun. That's some great advice OP, especially coming from a woman who patronizingly calls you 'babe' and 'hun'. Sounds like Pleco can personally identify with your GF
mansquito Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Forgive any typos, ennui, etc. as it's late and I've been at the bar. First of all, be honest with yourself. 28/5 is a damn difficult ratio to swallow. There's no shame in admitting it. It goes right to the heart of everything our culture teaches us about intimacy and gender roles. I'm dealing with a scenario that's similar to the one you're describing, though the ratio isn't nearly as stark. After mulling over it for weeks and weeks and weeks, I've determined that I have a very simple choice: Is being in a relationship with this girl, who in all other ways I find fantastic, more important to me than having had more vaginas than she's had penises? Many people will tell you that one answer is the correct one, to the exclusion of all other answers. Truth is, it's more nuanced that that. One answer could be 90% important to you, while the other could be 10%. Or it could be 60/40. Or, (God help you) 51/49. Ultimately, though, you're going to have to figure out for yourself what the right answer for you is. If you decide that you can't handle being in a relationship with somebody with a promiscuous past, then you should end the relationship as soon as possible and find someone whose experience aligns more with your values. There's nothing wrong with that. If you decide to stay with her, then make a personal resolution to do your best to forget about it, and to never, ever question her about it. Resolve to be the best partner and best lover that she's ever had. Do things to her that nobody's ever done before, and make her feel in ways that she's never felt before. There really is something about long-term intimacy that allows people to share in ways that no drunken fling could ever compare to, so take comfort in the knowledge that you're doing your best to know her better than anyone before or since. Good luck.
amymarieca Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Not all people have a written list of who they slept with, but I think most people would remember who they have slept with and how many, even if it is a lot. Actually, keeping a list is not a bad idea. If you catch and STD or something, at least you'd know who to track down!
gypsy_nicky Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Okay, now that's bizarre behaviour, if it's really a list of guys she's slept with. Are you 100% certain this is a list of guys she's slept with, rather than something more innocent? All you can do is to ask her about the list and her reactions and response will tell you all you need to know. seeing as there's a double standard on female promiscuity (there's a new thread on this too), I doubt she'd give him an honest answer or maybe even play it down.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Good point. I know alot of guys are hesitant to want to sleep with someone with that many past partners. if she was a pornstar I wouldn't hesitate
gypsy_nicky Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 people posting here need to realize that the lady's sexual number here does to an extent reflect her present status. >>>She openly admitted it to the OP and is trying or has done so to establish her credibility to him-to remain faithful. Blaming the woman's sexual history entirely on her internal psyche-a 'slut' or blaming it entirely on external events-'she was at a difficult period in her life', is very misleading. In most cases it was a bit of both that influenced her past actions. Time can only tell if she truly has changed and this is the risk the OP has to take to see whether or not the woman has changed or her personality is not of the promiscuous type.
OceanTropic Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) I think you should just casually hand her the paper and ask "Ohh I found this, what is it?" Her response should tell you her intentions. If she is honest, maybe she has changed, especially since she is being so honest with you. If you were another guy she was "having fun with" she wouldn't need to be so honest and direct with you. If she lies, well then you should think twice. Then again, its not really any of your business. I mean, yeah its nice to know, but its her private sex life and she may do what she pleases. Besides, the past is the past, why dwell on it so much? As long as she's not cheating on you, I don't see a problem. Maybe she is insecure and needs a list to make herself feel better, or maybe she is proud. Whatever the reason, its her own personal life, and unless you're her doctor, she is not obligated to tell you. Edited January 14, 2010 by OceanTropic
temple Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Johnny pretty much summed it up quite well about her getting older and about her biological clock as she has brang up that topic a few times (her bio clock) and a lot of her frens around her are already starting to get married.... I am definitely positive that list is of all her sexual encounters...and wat gets to me about her past dates is that she even admits to me that she goes for the really good looking or model looking guys.... i dunno what the hell am i supposed to think of that.. A lot of my mates have told me the same thing about her and that i could do a lot better and she has way too much baggage.... BUT all her Family, frens, and watever absolutely adore me....and can see how sweet and caring i am to her so its making it harder for me to just do this and let her go as im quite close to her family...i have a feeling that her frens are a bad influence on her though....those party type of girls that enjoy getting drunks and doing those recreational drugs... I dunno if im making a mistake by not giving her a chance..but at the same time i dont want to waste time by letting this drag on if i know it wont work because of the way she is.. Anyways should i just get it over with and bring up that stupid list she made?....it just makes me feel sick knowing that that many people have slept with her...am i being too old fashioned or something? In this whole post - I don't see a single good word for your girlfriend. In which case: I'd say the relationship was over. You're going out with her, not her family...
OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 people posting here need to realize that the lady's sexual number here does to an extent reflect her present status. >>>She openly admitted it to the OP and is trying or has done so to establish her credibility to him-to remain faithful. How does being a party girl or having had a lot of partners translate to her having to prove that she is capable of remaining faithful? I didn't see anywhere in the OP that she was a cheater and that his issue was she was a cheater in a previous relationship. In this whole post - I don't see a single good word for your girlfriend. In which case: I'd say the relationship was over. You're going out with her, not her family... Good point.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 How does being a party girl or having had a lot of partners translate to her having to prove that she is capable of remaining faithful? I didn't see anywhere in the OP that she was a cheater and that his issue was she was a cheater in a previous relationship. Good point. there you go.
OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 there you go. Reread the OP and the OP's other post. No where does he mention cheating or faithfulness, or lack thereof. Look.. we have had already discussed in the beginning of our relationship about our sexual past, she admitted to me that she was a party girl and that she had done some things in the past which she isnt that proud of like having fck buddies, threesomes, bonking in public places bluh bluh u get what i mean... and she says she has changed... Shes only had 2 srs BF relationships, me being the 3rd, and that all the other guys (she wudnt tell me how many) was just for fun or just to date and 'stuff'.... i dont know why but it makes me feel sick when i listen to her past....she tells me she has changed but the last guy she slept with before me was 3 months before she met me(i asked her cause she asked me the same) .... and it wasnt srs...and in my head im saying to myself...'how the hell is that saying that youve changed in less then 3 months????'.. why the fck wud u make a list of guys that your slept with....to me its like saying "im so proud to have this many guys at 28 years old".... But why the fck wud u make a paper, and i know its recent cause my name is on the top of the list. i have a feeling that her frens are a bad influence on her though....those party type of girls that enjoy getting drunks and doing those recreational drugs... it just makes me feel sick knowing that that many people have slept with her...am i being too old fashioned or something? Just to summarize: the OP is concerned with his gf's past/her number of sexual partners. Not once does he ever mention that she cheated in a relationship or on a partner. Rather, he specifies that he has an issue with the type of sex she has had, which includes public sex and threesomes. The fact that the OP's name is at the top of her "list" is just evidence that she's not cheating.
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