I Miss the Kiss Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) I was just reading atlnay's thread about the movie White Oleander, and it reminded me of something. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this on LS or not... Back in about July when xMM had his 2nd of the 4 D-days he has had with me, he drove 4 hours to tell me in person that he felt like he had to stay and work on his M.... Ya right.. ok. Anyway, if I recall correctly, he had barely gotten back home from being down here to see me and he was texting. But here's the sick part: He said something to the effect of "I know this sounds sick, but I almost wish there was some kind of tragedy so I could be with you without having to leave her outright..." O.M.G. I had forgotten that. It was relatively early on in the A, about 3 months in. I remember being a bit disturbed, but at the time I took it as basically his way of telling me he was desperate to be with me... I should have told his W this the other night when she called me. LOL (I'm just kidding, I could not tell her that!) Just a personal example of the craziness that lurks deep within people's minds... I am curious if any of you have had anything weird like this happen in your A... Edited January 13, 2010 by I Miss the Kiss
awkward Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 But here's the sick part: He said something to the effect of "I know this sounds sick, but I almost wish there was some kind of tragedy so I could be with you without having to leave her outright..." What did he mean by this?
moaningmyrtle Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 What did he mean by this? I'm guessing he meant his wife could die. For all I know it's a common fantasy of people who are torn between 2 lovers. This is what happened in my H's case - the MOW's husband died which sadly, led directly to our d-day. It was not pretty for any of us. The old saying "be careful what you wish for because it might come true" is probably apt in our case.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Myrtle, that's awful! I'm sorry you went through that... And yes, that's what he meant by it. W gone, he could be with me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 ...and that is the type of man you want to be with...:sick: The man who wishes death upon his wife. The woman that he married? You ever heard of drew peterson? lol.
norajane Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 But here's the sick part: He said something to the effect of "I know this sounds sick, but I almost wish there was some kind of tragedy so I could be with you without having to leave her outright..." You're right. It is sick. And creepy. And disturbing. And cowardly. He'd rather have his wife die in some tragedy than to man up and get a divorce? He's a cowardly assh*le.
RedDevil66 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 ...and that is the type of man you want to be with...:sick: The man who wishes death upon his wife. The woman that he married? You ever heard of drew peterson? lol. Listen, she's healing and clearing out her thoughts. This is a good thing in order to heal. When he heart is broken and the mind is confused, we think we want things that are not good for us. Let's be gentle ok
awkward Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 And yes, that's what he meant by it. W gone, he could be with me. Did you know that's what he meant when he said it? How did that make you feel about him? How did you respond to that statement? Could you imagine a man wishing that you were dead so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy because he left you? Wow. Something is seriously wrong with this guy. I'm guessing he meant his wife could die. For all I know it's a common fantasy of people who are torn between 2 lovers. This is what happened in my H's case - the MOW's husband died which sadly, led directly to our d-day. It was not pretty for any of us. The old saying "be careful what you wish for because it might come true" is probably apt in our case. How horrible for all involved.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Fact that he actually said that outloud just shows how sick he truly is. GOD FORBID his wife falls seriously ill or worse........HE is gonna feel so guilty about that comment. There are just some things one doesn't say (KARMA) as it'll come back and bite one in the ass.
RedDevil66 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 People say and do all sorts of sick things when they have no control He could have said it just to keep you hooked. Do you think he's a sociopath at all?
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 ...and that is the type of man you want to be with...:sick: The man who wishes death upon his wife. The woman that he married? You ever heard of drew peterson? lol. No, this is not the man I want to be with. Today has been a very eye-opening day. I actually feel quite nauseous. In all honesty, I miss and love the man I "thought" he was, but each hour is becoming easier because I am reminded of the man he wasn't... and the man that was lurking under that sweet, gorgeous exterior. I am still grieving the loss of what I thought we had. But I am now thankful for getting out before it got uglier. Ya, I read Lacy Peterson's mother's book early last year. Disturbing doesn't begin to cover it. blaaaaa I feel sick again.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I miss, let this stuff help RUIN your feelings for him..The man you 'thought' he was, doesn't really exist. Reality is facing you and it's good you see him with blinders off. HIS sheeyot stinks..Really bad..
moaningmyrtle Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Myrtle, that's awful! I'm sorry you went through that... And yes, that's what he meant by it. W gone, he could be with me. I should say that I have no evidence whatsoever that either my H or his OW "hoped" that either of their BSs would die. It's just what actually did happen in our case.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 People say and do all sorts of sick things when they have no control He could have said it just to keep you hooked. Do you think he's a sociopath at all? Funny you should ask that, because even a week ago I would have denied that until I was blue in the face... but the more I think about the double life, the outright lies to basically get himself off that two woman loved him that much... it is sickening. His W even said to me, "I think xxxx is enjoying the idea of two women loving him..." Ugh.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I should say that I have no evidence whatsoever that either my H or his OW "hoped" that either of their BSs would die. It's just what actually did happen in our case. Either way, yikes!!!
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Fact that he actually said that outloud just shows how sick he truly is. GOD FORBID his wife falls seriously ill or worse........HE is gonna feel so guilty about that comment. There are just some things one doesn't say (KARMA) as it'll come back and bite one in the ass. Absolutely! Karma will not be this man's friend in any way. I don't know why it took me so long to see that comment he made to me for what it really was: DISGUSTING!
Fallen Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I don't want to sound like I am defending him, what he said was AWFUL, but sometimes people say things during times of extreme stress that they really do not mean. Have you never been so angry with someone that you called them mean, horrible, awful names? Told someone you loved that you wished they would just go away and leave you alone forever? Told someone you loved that you wished they would die? Said that you wished you would die? The point is, we often say things we do not really mean. It is just a way to vent about our feelings of fear, anger, frustrarion, etc. It doesn't mean we REALLY want those things. For example. My ex-H was a complete a$$clown. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, he disappeared for over two weeks. My father-in-law took me to my first OB-GYN appointment, at which time I found out I was carrying twins. When I came out of the appointment an emotional wreck, not even knowing where my husband was or if he was ever coming back, with a four year old , rent overdue, and now pregnant with twins, I broke down. My father-in-law said I should abort them, and that he would pay for it if I let him take me to do it. When I refused, saying that if I had to I would do it alone, he said "It would be a kindness to you if God just let you miscarry." Did he mean it? Not really. It was a stressful time, and he said something he didn't really mean. When my daughters were born, and two days later one of them passed away from Twin-to-twin Transfusion Syndrome, his heart broke in two. He begged me for forgiveness for what he had said. He begged God for forgiveness. The guilt of what he had said ate at him, and two months later he had the first in a series of heart attacks. He didn't mean it when he said it. I never held animosity towards him, because I KNEW that...but he couldn't forgive himself. One of the last things he said before his final heart attack, was that he had to get to heaven so that he could tell my baby that he never meant it. I just think maybe everyone is being too hard on this guy for what he said. I don't think any of you really believe he meant it. Seems funny, that everyone says he is lying if he tells IMTK that he loves her, but then when he says something as off the wall as this, people want to make it out to be absolute truth.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I don't want to sound like I am defending him, what he said was AWFUL, but sometimes people say things during times of extreme stress that they really do not mean. Have you never been so angry with someone that you called them mean, horrible, awful names? Told someone you loved that you wished they would just go away and leave you alone forever? Told someone you loved that you wished they would die? Said that you wished you would die? The point is, we often say things we do not really mean. It is just a way to vent about our feelings of fear, anger, frustrarion, etc. It doesn't mean we REALLY want those things. For example. My ex-H was a complete a$$clown. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, he disappeared for over two weeks. My father-in-law took me to my first OB-GYN appointment, at which time I found out I was carrying twins. When I came out of the appointment an emotional wreck, not even knowing where my husband was or if he was ever coming back, with a four year old , rent overdue, and now pregnant with twins, I broke down. My father-in-law said I should abort them, and that he would pay for it if I let him take me to do it. When I refused, saying that if I had to I would do it alone, he said "It would be a kindness to you if God just let you miscarry." Did he mean it? Not really. It was a stressful time, and he said something he didn't really mean. When my daughters were born, and two days later one of them passed away from Twin-to-twin Transfusion Syndrome, his heart broke in two. He begged me for forgiveness for what he had said. He begged God for forgiveness. The guilt of what he had said ate at him, and two months later he had the first in a series of heart attacks. He didn't mean it when he said it. I never held animosity towards him, because I KNEW that...but he couldn't forgive himself. One of the last things he said before his final heart attack, was that he had to get to heaven so that he could tell my baby that he never meant it. I just think maybe everyone is being too hard on this guy for what he said. I don't think any of you really believe he meant it. Seems funny, that everyone says he is lying if he tells IMTK that he loves her, but then when he says something as off the wall as this, people want to make it out to be absolute truth. Fallen, my heart breaks for you and your baby Of course your father-in-law didn't mean that... It is is sad that he carried that guilt for the rest of his life... He and your baby are smiling down upon you now, safe in God's hands.. (that's what I believe, anyway). I'm glad you posted, because you're right. Right now I just want to find a wy to hate my xMM, but I know his heart. He is far from an evil man. I know he didn;t wish harm on his W, or anyone else, for that matter. He saves lives for a living! Let's hope he doesn't wish harm upon people! That being said (and I love your term), my xMM is a TOTAL A$$CLOWN. He may not have meant that he wantes his wife to die, but everything else he said is a crock of sh*t. Sorry. I'll stop now
fooled once Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 What is really disturbing is what a coward he is. Ya know, we can all say hurtful things; but to even express wishing someone would die so you don't have to make a decision and the decision being made for you? That is sick. Life is full of twists and turns. I realize we all handle them differently; but a man who fence sits, hurting 2 women and being so much of a coward that he can't make a decision? This is NOT a person I would want to be with. It would show me I couldn't rely on him in a stressful situation because we all know, being torn between two people isn't the hardest thing in life. There are MUCH harder issues to deal with. I understand being torn, but there comes a time when you either POO or get off the pot. To hold 2 others people lives in limbo while you go back and forth is just MEAN. I don't know, he sounds very wimpy and pathetic. I prefer a strong man. I prefer a man who CAN made a decision. I prefer a man who is upfront, honest and able to see the forest through the trees. I just have a hard time with how he seems to have no issue with what he has done, the hurt he has caused and the pain he continues to inflict on those h "loves".
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I think he was simply saying that he wished fate would step in and make the hard decision go away. As I often say, just because men stay in their marriages doesn't mean they really want to. They just don't want to be the one to end it. I told xMM once that he might want to make sure there weren't any petri dishes laying around his house because he has been getting sick off and on for awhile now. It reminded me of a big murder case in Houston in the 70's, I think, where a millionaire's daughter was murdered by her husband (he was a dr). He killed her by growing bacteria in petri dishes and slowly fed it to her over a period of about two yrs. The dr's never could identify what was causing her symptoms so when she died, it was still a mystery. The sad thing is, her death was horrible. Anyway, the daughter's father later hired a hit man and had the dr killed. But his grandson grew up hating him. What a mess. There was a book and movie on it. The book was entitled 'Blood & Money'. I figure my xMM has probably pissed his wife off pretty good by now, plus he's probably worth more dead than alive. You never know about people.
Fallen Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 My MM has never said he wished something bad would happen to his wife, but he has said he wished that she would just leave. Sometimes I think these guys struggle so much because they don't want to be percieved as 'the bad guy'. He doesn't want to be the one to leave, the one to break her heart, the one who 'abandoned' his family. My MM will not leave his family, at least right now, because of his sense of duty, obligation, but he has said that if she were to leave, or decide to divorce, he would be sad about not being there all the time with his child, but that he would 'live with it'. I think a big part of his issue is how he thinks others will view him. The extended families, long time family friends... he still wants them all to think of him as a 'good guy'. I think a lot of MM struggle with how "society" will view them if/when they "walk out" on their families. I think this guys comment stems from that kind of "societal" pressure.. if something happend to his wife, no one would think poorly of him when after a while, he moved on with his life, and found happiness and love with someone new. But, if he divorces, he not only abandoned, deserted his family.. but if he takes up with a new love right away, the new love is also scorned and made to feel as an outcast as obviously she was a "homewrecker"... I think his comment is more about wishing things were different... I really don't ascribe any true ill intent to it.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 He isn't EVIL, he's just extremely selfish!
norajane Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Sometimes I think these guys struggle so much because they don't want to be percieved as 'the bad guy'. Cowards. They'd rather BE the bad guy by lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulating and stringing two women along than be perceived as the bad guy by honestly facing up to and addressing the issues in their marriage one way or another. There's some self-centered, selfish, narcissistic logic for you. He'd rather BE an ass than maybe look like one to some people.
Fallen Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Cowards. They'd rather BE the bad guy by lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulating and stringing two women along than be perceived as the bad guy by honestly facing up to and addressing the issues in their marriage one way or another. There's some self-centered, selfish, narcissistic logic for you. He'd rather BE an ass than maybe look like one to some people. I happen to agree with you, it doesn't however change the fact that that is what they think.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) They'd rather BE the bad guy by lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulating and stringing two women along than be perceived as the bad guy by honestly facing up to and addressing the issues in their marriage one way or another. But they don't see it that way as long as they're never caught. And until it becomes knowledge, then they can pretend it's not happening. My xMM once told me about a woman who worked for him and she was really upset one day. He asked her what was wrong and she told him that she just found out that her daughter's husband was cheating on her. He said that his first reaction was to get really indignant and he said, "Why, that sorry SOB..." and then he said he caught himself and realized that he was doing the same thing. He said he shut up then and excused himself. I often thought about this and realized that we are so quick to judge, but when we're in that very same position, the whole thing looks different. It really made me laugh. Edited January 14, 2010 by Angel1111
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