whathuh94 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]To start I feel like I need to give you a little background information. I started dating this guy. I really like him a lot and I thought the feeling was mutual. We are both divorced with children of our own. A mutual friend gave him my number, he called. We went out and hit it off. We had spoken almost every day since our first date. He would text me thoughtful “Good Morning” messages and other various sweet message while we were at work. After some pretty frequent dating, he wanted to be “exclusive”. So, we are or were. I’m frankly not sure now. I digress…[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We both work at the same hospital. He works downstairs in the Operating Room and I am upstairs on another unit. I take pride in the fact that I am a reasonable person, as that has come in handy because he is always on call. Many times our plans have been postponed because of an unexpected surgery or procedure. I never get upset about that. He certainly has been grateful for my sensibilities on this issue. My point is that he knows that I’m a levelheaded girl with reasonable expectations to his life circumstances (work, family, and children).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now to the issue at hand… We had plans to get together one night (this was a Monday). It was getting late, so I text, "What's up?" [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He responds, "Bad news, my grandmother just passed away." She had been ill, I knew that. We had talked about it before. She pretty much raised him. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I was sympathetic. Told him I was so sorry, and to let me know if there was anything that I could do for him. I figured he would not be coming over, so I got ready for bed. A couple of hours later, he called, wanted to come over. He said he just needed some time alone before (to grieve I assume). He comes over, he seems tired. We go to bed. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]At this point, I’m not sure what he wants. I’m always game to be with him. As I said, I like him a lot and he’s got it going on in the bedroom. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I felt like he was sending mixed signals, dozing off, then pulling my leg over on top of him, but he didn’t want to kiss me. Maybe he just wanted me to ravage him or did he want to just sleep? I wasn’t sure. His grandmother just died, you know. To make a long story short, I asked him what he wanted. I just wanted to know which of the two choices, was going to make him feel better. He never got a chance to answer. His pager went off, (as I said, works in a hospital). He had to go. Before he left, he grabbed me, kissed me passionately and gave it to me good. I kissed him goodnight and I haven’t seen him since.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He texted me the next morning, “Good Morning”. I replied, and told him that I would be thinking about him and to take care of himself. His grandmother just died, right. This is an important fact because I have been repeating this to myself over an over as I will continue to repeat it to you. After that day (Tuesday), I didn’t hear from him. I was disappointed, but his grandmother just died, right. “Get over yourself”, I’m telling myself. He’s busy with his family, his children, funeral plans, grieving. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]By the time Wednesday rolled around I was feeling concerned for him. Felt like maybe I should let him know. Texted him, “How are you? Hope you are doing okay.” Nothing, no reply. Fine, he’s busy. This funeral business is going to take a week, no kidding. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]By Friday without the slightest from him, I was feeling confused. I have tried to back off, give him space and time and in a round about way let him know I was thinking about him in his time of need. So, feeling a little insecure and selfishly I admit, I texted him, “Is there a problem? A simple yes or no answer will do”. I figure if I did something wrong prior to this, I could give him an easy way out. He could just text back “Yes.” I would have totally been hurt, but got the picture and that would be that. But he replies, “No”. I text him back, and ask if I would hear from him, nothing. Finally, before bed, I text him to just call me tomorrow. Did he call? No![/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Saturday morning comes and goes into the afternoon and then into Saturday evening. Here is where my insecurities really super kick in. Of all of the events of the week, I was wondering, “What the hell did I do wrong? Should I not have texted him that last night?” While asking myself these questions, I’m feeling like a total selfish dog because, his grandmother died. How could I possibly be thinking of myself, but why couldn’t he just drop me a quick text here or there to let me know how he was doing? I know he must be terribly grief stricken and busy with family plans. How could I expect him to make time to text me? My mind was all over the place, but the silence was killing me. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So, finally Saturday night I texted him, I had to. “Confused by the silence, we need to talk.” That was okay, right? I had myself convinced that if he didn’t call, something was definitely up. I actually expected him to NOT call. “I will give him until Monday night”, I said to myself. Then I will just take care of this myself and end this for him. He must be purposefully avoiding me and too stressed to do the deed himself. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Surprisingly, he calls Sunday night. I totally was not expecting that. I had been through a slew of emotion over that week. I was concerned, confused, hurt, and then just plain mad. I was not prepared for the conversation that I had asked him for, but hey, he called, right?[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Not his usual chipper self, I could tell. I told him that I didn’t expect him to call and that I was not sure what to say now. I mean, how did that sound? A little needy (my words, no one else’s), crazy perhaps? I asked him how he was, he’s “so, so”. I mention that I was worried about him, haven’t talked to him in almost a week. He informs me that he’s just been busy with the funeral. So, I’m like relieved, but say “I thought you were totally blowing me off.” After those words came out of my mouth, I noticed that the call got dropped. I can only pray he didn’t hear me say that, but I’m sure he did. I tried to call him back, He answered, but we seemed to have had cell phone issues. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He texted me that he would call me later. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I asked, “Tonight? I would like to finish our conversation.” Or rather even get another chance to begin it properly. If I hadn’t blown it before, I felt like I had totally blown it now.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He said, “No, not tonight.” He said he was too stressed. (This is still Sunday).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So now I feel like a total dog. Was I being insecure for nothing and now I have come off like this total selfish, needy (my word again) person?[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] I text him back, “Sorry, don’t want to add to your stress, a later time is fine.” And I really was truly so sorry, the sorriest person that could have been breathing at that point.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He texts back, “Thanks”. He did text back. That’s a good thing, right? Thanks is good.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I text back “Really, no problem. I’m sorry”. No problem? Are you kidding me?! I have just potentially made a huge problem out of nothing, but I was so, so sorry.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]That was Sunday night. Now it’s Wednesday, and I still haven’t heard from him. I think if I didn’t blow it the first time around, I probably did with the brief phone conversation on Sunday. Now I can’t call or text. I have to wait for him, but I fear I will never hear anything. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am so angry at myself, and at him at the same time. I am incredibly confused and very hurt. He was in fact the one who wanted to be “exclusive”. Not sure how much more time should pass before I just throw in the towel and decide on my own that I am no longer exclusively dating anyone. If there is a problem with him and me, he should have the decency to tell me that, right? I tried to give him an easy out even if it was to be done via tacky text message. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]As I said earlier, I have been very patient with him and the circumstances of his life, but this is getting to be too much. He knows that I am generally reasonable. Am I being unreasonable? Does he need all of this time alone because it is part of his grieving process? How could I come off as being “needy” (remember, my words) if I have been so understanding about all of these other things in the past? Is it possible that I am not allowed this one little slip up? Maybe I am just a complete nut case? Thoughts please…[/sIZE][/FONT]
Catseye8 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Okay, Whathuh, listen to yourself here. Forget this guy for a second. This is what you sound like, if you take him and whatever he's got going on with his life out of the equation: I was disappointed, but his grandmother just died, right. “Get over yourself”, I’m telling myself. He’s busy with his family, his children, funeral plans, grieving.... So, feeling a little insecure and selfishly I admit, I texted him, “Is there a problem? A simple yes or no answer will do”. I figure if I did something wrong prior to this, I could give him an easy way out.... Here is where my insecurities really super kick in. Of all of the events of the week, I was wondering, “What the hell did I do wrong? Should I not have texted him that last night?” While asking myself these questions, I’m feeling like a total selfish dog because, his grandmother died. How could I possibly be thinking of myself.... That was okay, right?... I mean, how did that sound? A little needy (my words, no one else’s), crazy perhaps?... So, I’m like relieved, but say “I thought you were totally blowing me off.” After those words came out of my mouth, I noticed that the call got dropped. I can only pray he didn’t hear me say that, but I’m sure he did.... If I hadn’t blown it before, I felt like I had totally blown it now.... So now I feel like a total dog. Was I being insecure for nothing and now I have come off like this total selfish, needy (my word again) person?... And I really was truly so sorry, the sorriest person that could have been breathing at that point.... No problem? Are you kidding me?! I have just potentially made a huge problem out of nothing, but I was so, so sorry.... I think if I didn’t blow it the first time around, I probably did with the brief phone conversation on Sunday.... I am so angry at myself, and at him at the same time. I am incredibly confused and very hurt..... Am I being unreasonable?... How could I come off as being “needy” (remember, my words) if I have been so understanding about all of these other things in the past? Is it possible that I am not allowed this one little slip up? Maybe I am just a complete nut case? 1) No, you are not 'a complete nut case'. 2) STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! For heaven's sake, you have done nothing wrong here. 3) Maybe he is blowing you off. Maybe he's just taking his grandmother's death very hard and retreating to cope with it. Whichever one is true, the situation's the same - he disappears, you hear very little from him, and you're blaming yourself for wanting to know what's going on? No. You have the right to ask him how he's doing, ask him to return your phone calls, etc., grieving or no grieving. 4) There is something slightly weird-sounding about all this. I dunno what's happening with this man, but saying he appreciates how 'sensible' you are when he cancels plans, telling us several times that he cancels plans or disappears when his pager goes off because of his job, saying you've been 'so understanding about all of these other things in the past' (make a habit of disappearing, does he?), that line at the end about you not being allowed 'this one little slip-up'... it seems like you're really not allowed to ask this guy for very much. And you keep telling us 'needy' is your word, but... I wonder. I'm not saying he's got a secret life on the side or anything. But you might not want to rule that out completely, either.
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