Lizzysmooch Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hi, I am new to this... I have been married for almost 7 years now. Recently found out my husband cheated on me (supposedly he kissed a girl it was about three different times and the girl meant nothing to him, she was younger then us both), this was back in Sept. of 2009, we have been going to see a therapist and have been trying to work things out, I found out on New Year's eve that he had continued to talk to the girl over the phone. We have continued to see the therapist and also trying to get past it, it's very difficult, because there is absolutely no trust. At our last session he told the therapist when asked why he continued to talk to the girl, he replied I think closure. What the heck does that mean? I didn't really ask him because when I had mentioned it to him, he told me he felt bad for her. Liz
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Welcome Liz...Sorry you're here It's an all too common occurrence from a WS, seeking 'closure'. It's their way of weaning themselves from the addiction of the AP. My Spouse is doing the same to me, and we've separated at this point, because I refuse to live with someone who continues to keep both sides alive. It's called cake eating. Closure can be obtained through a simple e-mail/letter sent to the AP by your WS in your presence. My spouse has distanced herself from the OM, has told him it is over and that they will never be together, that she is working hard on saving our marriage and is attending counseling, but yet she still hangs on to the notion that somehow she can 'save' the OMs feelings and have proper closure. It's complete Bu**sh** and I won't be a party to it. You can issue an ultimatum but that rarely works and often does more harm than good. You are in a tough spot and most of us go through this with our WS. At some point, you have to make a decision as to whether you can live with someone that is putting someone else's needs before yours.
Space Ritual Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 He felt bad for HER???? How about him feeling bad for the wife he cheated on? and taking actions to repair the marriage. I'm, so sorry this hasppened to you. In light of your post Id be inclined to tell you that your therapy sessions are about as useful as tits on a bull. Only because your husband is going through the motions and has no intention of making this work or even taking remorseful actions. If I were you Id file for divorce and make him feel some consequences. Cheaters can never consider beginning to change unless they are faced with LOSING something. Apparently he is taking you for granted and Id be remiss if I didn't tell you in my opinion I think you should see a lawyer and a doctor ASAP. God only knows this is still going on. Id bet the farm that he is still cheating on you. Do not believe another word out of his mouth. He is so full of crap his teeth are floating.
LakesideDream Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Lizzysmooch (we have another Lizzy here too)... There is NO SUCH THING is closure. It's a myth created by Oprah and Dr. Phil. It's ridictulous to pretend that when a person ends a bad behavior they need to talk about it with their "bad behavior partner" afterward. We all know what it usually is... usually it's a way to make a last favorable impression before closing contact. We all realize why making a "favorable impression" is important. Humbug to closure.
silktricks Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Lizzysmooch (we have another Lizzy here too)... There is NO SUCH THING is closure. It's a myth created by Oprah and Dr. Phil. It's ridictulous to pretend that when a person ends a bad behavior they need to talk about it with their "bad behavior partner" afterward. We all know what it usually is... usually it's a way to make a last favorable impression before closing contact. We all realize why making a "favorable impression" is important. Humbug to closure. I agree 1000%
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 This young girl is obviously feeding his ego, he's addicted to how she makes him feel. Honetly, this isn't about you or her, it's ALL about him. I mean, why continue with counselling if he is hellbent on contact with her? Seems he's just gotten used to the dynamtic of having TWO women in his life.. That's called cake-eating. Do you want to save the marriage? Is he worth fighting for? I can tell you by what's he's doing now, he's nowhere near fixing things with you, showing remorse, or being committed to you. Sorry, I know you're hurting badly.. But maybe he needs to be on his own for a while, figure things out without YOU in his life. A wake up call? Whatever spell the OW has on him, he doesn't want to give that up..So it seems, as he is in contact with her. The line about closure and he feels badly for her, IS BULL. HE isn't ready to let go of how this girl has made him feel..It's lust,crush, fantasy and he's being really selfish. YOU decide for him, atleast for now. EIther her or you, NOT both.
Natureofbeast Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 [sIZE=2]Replace closure with contact. He needs contact–so he either thinks or wants. The other woman will often use the word closure as an excuse too for contact. Its bull! Any notion of weaning aside–which is delusional as an excuse as far as I am concerned too, he is continuing to take what he wants without consideration of you and that is wrong. Have him write a no contact letter–which you should be allowed to read, where in he makes his peace with, and solidifies his decision to work on your M, and go no contact with her. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2] His continued contact with OW is doing neither you or the OW any favors or good. It is merely prolonging the agony for you, OW and even himself. As far as feeling bad for her–well if he is still in contact with her then the odds are she is having a hand in making him feel bad for her too. Because frankly given the situation, he is back with you–relatively speaking–the OW is feeling bad too. And bad feelings breeds bad feelings–just as crazy breeds crazy. Its a vicious circle. Best advice as others have mentioned is you need to put your foot down. Make him decide, you or her. And if he chooses you and the M, then he has to agree to and follow through on no contact. Right now he is sitting on a post. He has you currying favor for him by trying to save the marriage and he has her currying favor for him with his continued contact with her. If she is still receptive of his calls then she is still holding out on the hope that he will return to her . And I am not sure if this was mentioned, is the contact one-sided? Or is he returning or accepting her calls? Cause that a whole different issue, which may require phone numbers being changed and email and social network accounts being closed. If she continues to contact him, after sending a no contact letter then that is called harassment and charges can be filed. I am so sorry you are going through this hurt and heartache. [/sIZE]
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 He needs CLOSURE with this little whore?? I would give him closure...the front door on his cheating little....... Never ceases to AMAZE me the lame -o excuses cheaters use and get away with..
White Flower Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 If you ask me he's not looking for closure. He's keeping the A going and every time you find out some new bit of info he comes up with a new line. Best of luck.
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