kmm111 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I am going thru the typical EA process..we are both married, started off as friends, started becoming closer, unintentionally fell in love, etc. We are extremely compatible (from what we know), have tons in common, amazing chemistry and can both see ourselves in each other's futures. I have never felt as though I could ever look into a man's eyes and tell him that I am in love with him, until I met this person. Not even my husband. This person made me realize the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. We both talk about possibly someday leaving our current relationships to be with each other. I know it sure wouldn't be a fairytale, but I believe we are compatible enough and would have enough love to make things work. There would be passion and desire there (perhaps not forever but for awhile at least because I know it fades in time) that I never had with my husband. My question is, is there ever a time when you KNOW you are ready to make a decision? I have been living in ambivalence for awhile now, part of me wants to just get it over with and follow my heart (leave my husband), the other part of me thinks I should possible remove myself from this other person, try and concentrate on my marriage, and see what happens from there. I am strong and know I could get over this other person, but I don't know if I want to walk away from someone who could possibly be the TRUE love of my life...
Space Ritual Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I am going thru the typical EA process..we are both married, started off as friends, started becoming closer, unintentionally fell in love, etc. We are extremely compatible (from what we know), have tons in common, amazing chemistry and can both see ourselves in each other's futures. I have never felt as though I could ever look into a man's eyes and tell him that I am in love with him, until I met this person. Not even my husband. This person made me realize the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. We both talk about possibly someday leaving our current relationships to be with each other. I know it sure wouldn't be a fairytale, but I believe we are compatible enough and would have enough love to make things work. There would be passion and desire there (perhaps not forever but for awhile at least because I know it fades in time) that I never had with my husband. My question is, is there ever a time when you KNOW you are ready to make a decision? I have been living in ambivalence for awhile now, part of me wants to just get it over with and follow my heart (leave my husband), the other part of me thinks I should possible remove myself from this other person, try and concentrate on my marriage, and see what happens from there. I am strong and know I could get over this other person, but I don't know if I want to walk away from someone who could possibly be the TRUE love of my life... If I were you I would come clean with your husband(he deserves the truth, and at least that much respect). I noticed you never said anything about MC . Do you understand that you risk destroying your husband's life needlessly because you have that lame "love but not in ,love with him" feeling"? If you can walk away after exhausting every option (MC, IC) with your husband that is one thing, and you can hold your head high, saying you tried everything you could But you need to have the integrity to at least give your husband the chance and not be blindsided. You know, life is not always a Harlequin Romance because marriages and relationships take WORK. I suggest you rethink this very hard. Because there are no Do Overs when you are messing with people's future's...and this will affect more people than just you....have you thought how it will affect your family, parents, close friends? If there was no passion , then why did you marry you husband in the first place? You know all the time you have been carrying out your EA could have been better spent rediscovering why you fell in love with your husband in the first place?...and you could have done this together. By the sound of your post, this discovery is gonna hit like an atomic bomb....I hope all those unknowns and suppositions you wax poetic about are worth the collateral damage
freestyle Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 OP, are you aware of the statistics regarding the success of relationships that begin as EAs or PAs? Very, very few relationships born in deceit survive. Think real hard about whether the risk is worth the devastation this will cause. More often than not, that rosy glow you're experiencing right now will disappear shortly after it's exposed to......reality. There will also be a trust issue.........you and your AP have both demonstrated that you're willing to maneuver behind your partner's back. Are you really prepared to live with that uncertainty?
wheelwright Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I was in this situation and things went very badly for me and everyone involved. I believed in love and got caught up very short. Think very carefully about hurt of others in your decision. I belive if you do things the right way, it will work out for you. But this involves assessing your M fully before you make decisions that could jeapordise (sp?) an amicable split or even splitting before you know. The question you have posed should come secondary to a whole list of questions you need to ask about your M. I fell in love with someone while still in a M and this was a big H******k. My sister did the same, and I said to her, there is a way to do things that involves doing them in the right order. And then I made the same mistake. Guess we are a heart over head family, but that don't make it right. Best, WW
Gabriele Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 decide to have some respect for your husband....stop deceiving him and tell him you are not satisfied with your marriage and come clean! Let him in on what is going on in HIS life! If you love someone else....then let him go and find love too, he deserves better than what you are giving him. Adultery is not right...it is not the answer, it's not okay to continue on with this while you are in a marriage.. it should not be a difficult decision. Either get a divorce, or end your contact with AP and come clean and get into MC if your H is interested in a marriage with you.
freestyle Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 One more thing: Have you considered that you might damage your H's ability to trust? Depending on the person, it could be permanent........... Wheelwright said it well, there's a correct order to do things........
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Good f-ing lord your still having the affair. Crap or get off the pot already! Make a decision and stick with it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I am going thru the typical EA process..we are both married, started off as friends, started becoming closer, unintentionally fell in love, etc. We are extremely compatible (from what we know), have tons in common, amazing chemistry and can both see ourselves in each other's futures. I have never felt as though I could ever look into a man's eyes and tell him that I am in love with him, until I met this person. Not even my husband. This person made me realize the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. Your not "in love", your just trying to get out of your marriage because you are a total commitment-phobe. This has nothing to do with any of the guys in your life. This is all about YOU feeling trapped by that ring on your finger. You will never find happiness so long as you run away from your issues. Sit down and confront them. Only then can you make healthy choices regarding your love life.
bestplayer Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I am going thru the typical EA process..we are both married, started off as friends, started becoming closer, unintentionally fell in love, etc. We are extremely compatible (from what we know), have tons in common, amazing chemistry and can both see ourselves in each other's futures. I have never felt as though I could ever look into a man's eyes and tell him that I am in love with him, until I met this person. Not even my husband. This person made me realize the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. We both talk about possibly someday leaving our current relationships to be with each other. I know it sure wouldn't be a fairytale, but I believe we are compatible enough and would have enough love to make things work. There would be passion and desire there (perhaps not forever but for awhile at least because I know it fades in time) that I never had with my husband. My question is, is there ever a time when you KNOW you are ready to make a decision? I have been living in ambivalence for awhile now, part of me wants to just get it over with and follow my heart (leave my husband), the other part of me thinks I should possible remove myself from this other person, try and concentrate on my marriage, and see what happens from there. I am strong and know I could get over this other person, but I don't know if I want to walk away from someone who could possibly be the TRUE love of my life... u planning to leave ur marriage someday & u still with ur husband pretending every thing is fine ? Its unfortunate for ur husband that he got a selfish person as a wife who is betraying him .
ladydesigner Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 km111 you may want to go over to the OM/OW Forum as the flaming usually tends to be less harsh and with less BS (blind spouses). Your situation is confusing at most. If I were in your shoes I would detach from the MOM (knowing what I know now) and try marriage counseling. I felt exactly the way you feel a year and a half ago. I realize now that I do very much still love my H and want to work on my marriage. I believe the "in love" feeling to be those early hormones that chemically are released when you meet someone that you have a lot of chemistry with and have a lot in common. I too felt that I fell harder for my xOM than I had with my H. Well it turned out my XOM was not who I thought he was and I am sure if things would have been great in my marriage at that time that I ever would have fallen for my XOM. I believe I fell in love with my idea of him and not HIM. Try and find what is missing in your marriage first, is it the attention, affection, lack of emotional connection. If these things cannot be resolved then I would say leave your H. A clear decision cannot be made when you are involved with two people. I would definitely go NC (no contact) and try and figure out exactly what it is that you want and will make you happy. Most here will say to tell your H what is going on. I don't tend to believe those that push that. You decide what you need to do. If you read some of the stories on the OW/OM forum you will get an idea as to how 99% of these things end and someone if not all parties are terribly hurt.
Explorer Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I am going thru the typical EA process..we are both married, started off as friends, started becoming closer, unintentionally fell in love, etc. We are extremely compatible (from what we know), have tons in common, amazing chemistry and can both see ourselves in each other's futures. I have never felt as though I could ever look into a man's eyes and tell him that I am in love with him, until I met this person. Not even my husband. This person made me realize the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. We both talk about possibly someday leaving our current relationships to be with each other. I know it sure wouldn't be a fairytale, but I believe we are compatible enough and would have enough love to make things work. There would be passion and desire there (perhaps not forever but for awhile at least because I know it fades in time) that I never had with my husband. My question is, is there ever a time when you KNOW you are ready to make a decision? I have been living in ambivalence for awhile now, part of me wants to just get it over with and follow my heart (leave my husband), the other part of me thinks I should possible remove myself from this other person, try and concentrate on my marriage, and see what happens from there. I am strong and know I could get over this other person, but I don't know if I want to walk away from someone who could possibly be the TRUE love of my life... 1. Please rid your Holloywood conditoned mind of "A One", "The One", "True Love", etc 2. Weigh out the pros and cons for eating healthy meals daily or substituting a side with chocolate. It may be good at first, but you know what will happen eventually.
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