phineas Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 how can they be exclusive without even having sex yet? Yeah exactly. she can say "no sex unless you agree to be exclusive" But they havn't gotten there yet.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 When BF and I each decided/realized we weren't interested in anyone else, we didn't even log in to read messages we knew had come in. We just weren't even interested in reading them. And this was before any discussion of exclusivity/taking profiles down, etc. Just something to think about.
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 When BF and I each decided/realized we weren't interested in anyone else, we didn't even log in to read messages we knew had come in. We just weren't even interested in reading them. And this was before any discussion of exclusivity/taking profiles down, etc. Just something to think about. Yeah, I know what you mean. But, I'm calling the pot kettle black, since I still log on to read the messages I get.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 bascially what it comes down to is that before the happy couple has decided to "become an item" neither party can force demands upon the other. These demands include, but are not limited to, whom else are you seeing, online dating, watching porn, where are you, what are you doing, etc....
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 bascially what it comes down to is that before the happy couple has decided to "become an item" neither party can force demands upon the other. These demands include, but are not limited to, whom else are you seeing, online dating, watching porn, where are you, what are you doing, etc.... By all actions, we are a "couple." Or at least, he refers to us as a couple. sidenote: i don't care if he looks at porn. haha.
threebyfate Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You can ask for anything you want or need, whenever you feel like it. Whether the other person agrees to it, is a different story. If they don't agree and it's important enough to you, you have the ultimate control to walk. He can't push for more, then back off when it means he personally has to do something. pandagrl, as you said, talk and walk.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 By all actions, we are a "couple." Or at least, he refers to us as a couple. what type of man is this referring to you to as a couple and you haven't even had sex yet?? i smell some red flags here. this is not the normal progression of a new relationship
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 You can ask for anything you want or need, whenever you feel like it. Whether the other person agrees to it, is a different story. If they don't agree and it's important enough to you, you have the ultimate control to walk. He can't push for more, then back off when it means he personally has to do something. pandagrl, as you said, talk and walk. Yes! Talk and walk. I'm broaching the subjects of monogamy and exclusivity in increments. It doesn't have to happen all at once for me. Where one day it's "we're both still single" and the next day "WE ARE NOW EXCLUSIVE." For instance, last weekend I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. His answer: No. Today I asked him if he was still logging in because he was looking for others to date. His answer: No. I told him that eventually I want both of us to take down our profiles. His answer: OK. I am taking in his actions and words, how he treats me, listening to what he wants with me. Also, take into consideration, I don't know if he is "the one" for me at this point. I don't need to rush into anything -- I prefer not to. But I DO need to gauge his level of interest towards me, before I make a next step.
threebyfate Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 The typical guy wants to delay anything that suggests commitment as long as possible -- being exclusive, declaring yourselves a couple, moving in, getting married.I don't agree with this. From this perspective, you'll find many men more than willing to commit. I also disagree that you can group exclusive relationships with moving in or getting married. It's not as if an exclusive relationship is a big deal and anyone who has this problem, will probably have problems with either monogamy or commitment of any kind.
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 what type of man is this referring to you to as a couple and you haven't even had sex yet?? i smell some red flags here. this is not the normal progression of a new relationship We are intimate with each other, but not have had intercourse yet. Why is this weird? Also, we refrained from having sex on our last four dates because he has had a coldsore on his lip and it's healing.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Also, take into consideration, I don't know if he is "the one" for me at this point. I don't need to rush into anything -- I prefer not to. But I DO need to gauge his level of interest towards me, before I make a next step. i think both of you need to step back a bit and date other people while still seeing each other. it sounds like both of you are not on the same page. in addition you don't become exclusive with someone that you don't even know if you like yet. you both need to get to know each other better while still leaving options open. going "exclusive" now is too soon
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 i think both of you need to step back a bit and date other people while still seeing each other. it sounds like both of you are not on the same page. in addition you don't become exclusive with someone that you don't even know if you like yet. you both need to get to know each other better while still leaving options open. going "exclusive" now is too soon We like each other very much, but we have only been dating for a month, been on about 7 dates. There is no pressure to jump into a serious relationship right now. I only want to know where is head is at at this point in our dating relationship. For instance, the conversation today could've been: me: "Are you still logging into the dating site because you are looking or want to date other people?" him: "Yes, I am still open to meeting other people." However, he said he was not looking. Not as good as saying: "I will take down my profile immediately," but no need for that yet. Baby steps.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 him: "Yes, I am still open to meeting other people." and what would have been your response??
Author pandagirl Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 and what would have been your response?? I probably would've been upset, since his actions indicated differently, but also know we never had the exclusivity talk. And maybe we would continue to date, except I would see other people, too.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Yes! Talk and walk. I'm broaching the subjects of monogamy and exclusivity in increments. It doesn't have to happen all at once for me. Where one day it's "we're both still single" and the next day "WE ARE NOW EXCLUSIVE." For instance, last weekend I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. His answer: No. Today I asked him if he was still logging in because he was looking for others to date. His answer: No. I told him that eventually I want both of us to take down our profiles. His answer: OK. I am taking in his actions and words, how he treats me, listening to what he wants with me. Also, take into consideration, I don't know if he is "the one" for me at this point. I don't need to rush into anything -- I prefer not to. But I DO need to gauge his level of interest towards me, before I make a next step. From my perspective it's better to just be upfront about wanting exclusivity. This piecemeal approach will make you seem insecure because you keep bringing up the same subject and you're not really getting at the heart of it. I would just tell him you want to be exclusive, see what he says, then put it to rest. This is the confident approach.
Author pandagirl Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 From my perspective it's better to just be upfront about wanting exclusivity. This piecemeal approach will make you seem insecure because you keep bringing up the same subject and you're not really getting at the heart of it. I would just tell him you want to be exclusive, see what he says, then put it to rest. This is the confident approach. Part of the reason I'm not, is because he might be moving. He will know in the next couple of weeks what is happening, and at that point he will either stay here (meaning we will be together) or he will move (meaning it may end). Admittedly, I always felt, traditionally, the man should bring up exclusivity, not the woman.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I probably would've been upset, since his actions indicated differently, but also know we never had the exclusivity talk. And maybe we would continue to date, except I would see other people, too. indeed...and he knew you would react that way so basically you forced him into a corner where he had to say what u wanted to hear
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Admittedly, I always felt, traditionally, the man should bring up exclusivity, not the woman. no thats the womans job, but at the right time
melodymatters Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 no thats the womans job, but at the right time REALLY ? I'm not being facetious, and I don't think it's off topic, but you really think that Alpha ? I'm with panda on this : you want the guy so head over heels he can't STAND the thought of letting you get away, so HE brings it up. *shrug* that's always the way it played out with me anyway.....
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I'm with panda on this : you want the guy so head over heels he can't STAND the thought of letting you get away, so HE brings it up....
threebyfate Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 no thats the womans job, but at the right timeI broached this once. What a big, friggen' mistake that was! If a guy's into you, he'll broach it first. That's the way it's always happened for me, with men who were honestly into me. And yes, you can call this a stupid female test but it's tried and true methodology, more often working than not. And anyways, alpha, do you honestly feel that your reactions are similar to men who don't have commitment issues would be? I'm not convinced they are.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I broached this once. What a big, friggen' mistake that was! If a guy's into you, he'll broach it first. That's the way it's always happened for me, with men who were honestly into me. And yes, you can call this a stupid female test but it's tried and true methodology, more often working than not. And anyways, alpha, do you honestly feel that your reactions are similar to men who don't have commitment issues would be? I'm not convinced they are. What happened the time that you broached the subject? I jumped the gun twice and brought this up, probably too soon. In retrospect I wish I had waited to gauge the guy's interest. The problem is I have low patience when it comes to things like that. My other relationships, I don't even remember how or when we became official. It just kind of happened organically.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If a guy's into you, he'll broach it first.. i've always had chicks ask me
OpenBook Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If you have to ask a guy ANYTHING, it's a lost cause. They should be the ones asking YOU all the questions, trying to pin YOU down - not the other way around! Men don't respond well to female inquiries like that, especially at the beginning of a relationship. The man should be the open book, and you should be the mystery. Men DO respond to women who are moving AWAY from them, not toward them. My advice - be a little more distant with him - nice, but nonchalant, a little DISTRACTED, your focus definitely NOT on him. Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Don't call him. Don't ask him any questions. Just try this for a few days, and see what happens!
threebyfate Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 What happened the time that you broached the subject? I jumped the gun twice and brought this up, probably too soon. In retrospect I wish I had waited to gauge the guy's interest. The problem is I have low patience when it comes to things like that. My other relationships, I don't even remember how or when we became official. It just kind of happened organically.While he agreed, that entire scenario was a mistake. I was trying and was encouraged by a third party to be more open and liberal, more risk tolerant, so I didn't listen to my spidey sense, which had been tingling. The things I found out afterwards, were more than enough to realize why I had been so careful in the past. An excellent learning experience, one I used to apply towards others, after that experience. But shadow, with your b/f, he's inexperienced in relationships. In some ways, he's learning from you, while you learn about him and yourself. It's not surprising you've taken a more dominant role in the relationship.
Recommended Posts