pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I posted another thread recently about the guy I'm seeing still logging onto the dating site. It started to really bother me, so I just asked him why he was logging on. He responded by saying he got a message and he went on the site to read it. Didn't mention if he was responding to these messages. I asked him if he was still looking or wanted to date other people, and he said: "No." He said: "i got a message and went on to read it. im not looking. but i saw you were on and wondered the same." I told him eventually for me to feel completely comfortable, I would want both of us to take down our profiles, to which he said: "OK." I asked him if it bothered him that other people wrote me and he said: "i dont much care as long as im comfortable with you." Now, do I just let the matter rest? He just doesn't seem to have the same neuroses as I do concerning this issues. Like he just trusts that I'm not doing anything behind his back -- or is this a bad sign?
tfkizzle Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Now, do I just let the matter rest? He just doesn't seem to have the same neuroses as I do concerning this issues. Like he just trusts that I'm not doing anything behind his back -- or is this a bad sign? I started a thread about my bf's lack of jealousy last month. Maybe it's different because we are in a relationship for awhile, but the general response was along the lines of so what? He trusts you, big deal. But it really, really bothered me that he didn't have the teeny tiniest speck of jealousy at all, ever. So I get where you're coming from. But really, I think you need to not say something about it. What would you gain from pursuing this, other than possibly driving him away? You got what you wanted right? He agreed to take down his profile? So as long as he actually follows through on that, what more is there to say? Why do you think it might be a bad sign? For me, the bad sign for my relationship was feeling like my bf didn't care about losing me, that I wasn't important to him.
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I started a thread about my bf's lack of jealousy last month. Maybe it's different because we are in a relationship for awhile, but the general response was along the lines of so what? He trusts you, big deal. But it really, really bothered me that he didn't have the teeny tiniest speck of jealousy at all, ever. So I get where you're coming from. But really, I think you need to not say something about it. What would you gain from pursuing this, other than possibly driving him away? You got what you wanted right? He agreed to take down his profile? So as long as he actually follows through on that, what more is there to say? Why do you think it might be a bad sign? For me, the bad sign for my relationship was feeling like my bf didn't care about losing me, that I wasn't important to him. Well, I implied that if we were to continue dating (we've only been dating for a month) that I would want us both to take down our profiles. But we did not agree to take them down NOW. I'm not going to say anything anymore. He knows I'm not OK with it. He knows how I feel. In another month, I will check back in on this issue.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Well, I implied that if we were to continue dating (we've only been dating for a month) that I would want us both to take down our profiles. . after dating someone 4 week you don't have the right to ask that
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 did you have an exclusivity talk? if you did and he agreed, he should be off the site or at least not check it. that's only fair. i dont care how long its been...1 date or 50 dates...its all about the understanding between you two.
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 after dating someone 4 week you don't have the right to ask that Normally, yes. But sex is on the horizon, and he is also taking this relationship towards a more serious than not direction. So I felt I had the right to ask.
Lizzie60 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I had a thread about this issue also... I only met the guy once for coffee and later that night for a drink... He's still check the site.. but I will not have any discussion about it.. until we date 'seriously'... then if he still goes there.. it's over.. I have no patience for games like that.. But... on the other hand... he can always create a new profile.. you know.. that's what I did...
bayouboi Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 How are you able to see that he's checking the site without you yourself being on the site? Why is okay for you check the site but not him?
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Normally, yes. But sex is on the horizon, and he is also taking this relationship towards a more serious than not direction. So I felt I had the right to ask. you haven't had sex yet???!!! chill out pandagirl
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 did you have an exclusivity talk? if you did and he agreed, he should be off the site or at least not check it. that's only fair. i dont care how long its been...1 date or 50 dates...its all about the understanding between you two. No, I thought it was too soon to have that talk. But I did ask him if he was seeing anyone and he said: "No."
Lizzie60 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 How are you able to see that he's checking the site without you yourself being on the site? Why is okay for you check the site but not him? .... I know ... one checks if the other is on.. then get mad if s/he is.. vicious circle..
mortensorchid Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 If HE wants to go steady with you, then HE has to ask YOU to take down your ads on however many sites. It is implied that he is ready to do the same. I wouldn't bring it up again until he does. And if it's only be 4 weeks, then you should just sit tight until if and when it comes up again.
shadowplay Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Something feels off to me about this, and I can't pinpoint what. First off, it seems like you had a sort of half-arsed exclusivity talk. I think you should have made it more explicit than you did. His response seems a little weak, but maybe he just felt awkward and put on the spot. See if he brings it up again on his own. If he doesn't at some point I might be a little concerned.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 First off, it seems like you had a sort of half-arsed exclusivity talk. how can they be exclusive without even having sex yet?
bayouboi Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 .... I know ... one checks if the other is on.. then get mad if s/he is.. vicious circle.. At least you can appreciate the insanity of it all
shadowplay Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 how can they be exclusive without even having sex yet? A lot of people have the exclusivity talk before sex because they don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others.
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Something feels off to me about this, and I can't pinpoint what. First off, it seems like you had a sort of half-arsed exclusivity talk. I think you should have made it more explicit than you did. His response seems a little weak, but maybe he just felt awkward and put on the spot. See if he brings it up again on his own. If he doesn't at some point I might be a little concerned. I'm going to let it play out a little more, give it more time, etc. I will definitely check in with this issue again. He at least knows how I feel. I made it a a half-arsed exclusivity talk on purpose. I am just gauging his interest. In terms of actions, he seems very interested. Wants to see me all the time. Introducing me to his friends. Wants to meet my friends. He works 70 hours a week and still fits me into his schedule as a priority. Does little things that shows he cares for me. Everything is great, EXCEPT for his damn okcupid profile!
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 A lot of people have the exclusivity talk before sex because they don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others. thats rediculous hahhaa
shadowplay Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'm going to let it play out a little more, give it more time, etc. I will definitely check in with this issue again. He at least knows how I feel. I made it a a half-arsed exclusivity talk on purpose. I am just gauging his interest. In terms of actions, he seems very interested. Wants to see me all the time. Introducing me to his friends. Wants to meet my friends. He works 70 hours a week and still fits me into his schedule as a priority. Does little things that shows he cares for me. Everything is great, EXCEPT for his damn okcupid profile! What about the moving thing? Has he found out whether it's happening or not?
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 What about the moving thing? Has he found out whether it's happening or not? I asked him about it last night. He said: "It still depends on my father... up in the air. Don't worry, you'll be the first person I call when I find out."
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 No, I thought it was too soon to have that talk. But I did ask him if he was seeing anyone and he said: "No." if you didnt have 'the talk', then he is free to do whatever he wants. you can be insecure and jealous about it, but he is doing nothing wrong and i'd do the same. I'm seeing multiple girls at once, and the one i was with last night told me she is not dating anyone else and wont until she see's where this goes. does that mean we are exclusive? hell no. im going to keep going on dates until we have that talk. frankly im not ready for that talk AT ALL with this girl, so im still checking the online site and will continue to do so without feeling an remorse or guilt. as for having sex meaning exclusive, thats ridiculous. its a talk, not a physical action. now why would you want to be exclusive with someone you aren't banging? i have no idea, but that is a different discussion entirely.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 i think you're putting the cart before the horse here pandagurl
Author pandagirl Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 i think you're putting the cart before the horse here pandagurl Ok, people. I'm not crazy here. haha. I've dated people for months and not asked them about exclusivity, but since current guy is pushing me towards something more serious, I think his words and actions should match up.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I have never done online dating, and I'm fairly traditional in terms of gender dynamics in dating, so take my advice with a grain of salt... I agree with what mortensorchid said. The typical guy wants to delay anything that suggests commitment as long as possible -- being exclusive, declaring yourselves a couple, moving in, getting married. In my opinion, it is almost never a good idea for the woman to initiate stepping up the commitment in any of these ways. If a woman reaches the point when not having any of these commitment milestones is an issue for her, her interest in the man will begin to fade naturally. It is usually only then that he will step it up. I think taking down dating profiles is about at the level of seriousness of being exclusive/declaring yourselves a couple. And just as I think it is almost never a good idea for the woman to suggest exclusivity, I think it is probably also not a good idea for her to suggest taking down the dating profiles. You already did that, but you could keep yourself from doing similar in the future.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 since current guy is pushing me towards something more serious, I think his words and actions should match up. Ding ding ding. They don't. Talk is cheap. Smart woman.
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