Catseye8 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 It's been around 5 weeks since the breakup. I'm still a wreck in a lot of ways, but I'm feeling better about some stuff too - and thinking much more clearly. So, here's an idea. How about all those of us who are still in the early stages, and still hurting a lot, take a look at the good stuff and post all the ways in which we're doing/thinking/coping better? Because I bet you, no matter how bad you're feeling, there'll be some things that are getting just a little tiny bit better. For me: * I've stopped desperately asking everyone I know to explain my ex's behaviour. This wasn't getting me anywhere, and it was upsetting me to have all these conversations over and over again. I still talk to friends and family about how much I'm hurting, but now it's about me and how much I'm hurting; I'm past the stage of sobbing "What happened?" at everyone. * I've accepted that it's not my fault I can't make sense out of a bizarre situation - my ex's behaviour is just downright weird! In short - commitmentphobic freakout, plus depression, plus World Olympic Mixed Messages Champion, equals one big huge confusing mess. I, on the other hand, am operating by Normal Person logic, and Normal Person logic dictates that the best thing I can do is shrug, say "He's still acting weird, then," and get on with my day. His problems aren't my problem. * I've also accepted that while I'm not perfect, the breakup was Not My Fault. * I've stopped worrying and worrying and worrying about the next phone call, the next email, am I giving him enough space, am I giving him too much space, oh my God what if I suggested meeting to talk before he was ready to and now he'll never talk to me again... etc. That was not a healthy place for me to be in! * I've gone NC. I know, I know, should have been sooner! But now I'm happy with the decision; I went NC after a weird episode in which he was hugely snappy, I got annoyed and backed away, and then he panicked and moved on to the 'pull' part of the push-pull thing. Yeah, I'm not going to stay on the sidelines waiting while he spins my head around like that; I'm going to keep on backing away. And oh, but going NC like this feels goooooood. * I've found constructive ways to address some of the things I was worried about. Like: my ex is dealing with depression, his more recent emails to me have started mentioning stuff about how down and awful he's feeling, and I was getting really worried because I've had bad experiences with a suicidal ex-bf in the past. (Oh, that's a whole other post!) So this time: I made sure I had his best friend's contact details, so I've got someone to call to check on him if I get seriously concerned. Hopefully it won't come to that, but in the meantime, I don't need to worry. * I'm getting a much better idea of what I'd want and need from him if he came back. In the early days of the breakup, I'd pretty much have taken him back under any conditions, no matter what. Now? Nope. He wants me back, he's got some serious work to do. These are all baby-steps towards healing; I still cry every day, and I still miss him and the relationship like crazy, etc etc we've all been there. But they are steps in the right direction! So what about the rest of you? What are your baby-steps?
bluestraps Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Its been 4 months 3 weeks and two days for me. The first two months were hell. If I was'nt at home depresed I would be driving around ( helps me cope), for hours... wasting gas. Ive been totaly into staying home except for when I need to go out to the store , to run erands, the things I need to do ,learning to be alone basicaly. Couples tend to get into a routine when you're together for a long time There is a good side and a bad side to that. One person may enjoy that and another may get bored easily. I took a long time to work through the issues, why did it happen, could I have stoped it, how do I get her back . Its weird , I miss her but I also feel like it was time for a change. I would probably take her back in a second. But can you go back? Sometimes you can go back and try again. But I feel now that too much has happened. Im not really ready to start a new relationship. There is so much left over from what I call my old life, We had mutual friends , we did depend on each other. I think I really felt like we were a team. I still feel like it could work. Im also to the point that i'm not the one to take the blame. I feel disrespected by her. I feel in the right. That's where I am, i'm stuck in the boat ready to sail away but, Im still anchored to the dock. Geting in the boat is the final step. Let hope I dont sink. 1
canadaman111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since my wife moved out. Though I miss her a lot I feel a lot better already. I feel things have moved quicker for me cause of how long and drawn out our break up was. 6 months before things went bad and only after 6 months did she finally leave. It was like it was on life support for all that time and when you finally pulled the plug in a lot of ways it was a relief. Mornings are still tough, but overall I feel much better. I still hope somehow we can get back together.
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