chenazah Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hello everyone, sorry if this becomes a little long. This is my first time back since March 08 when i received advice from Carhill! During that time i also read and digested advice from many different sources including people on here (Caliguy). The great thing is, is that you can pick and choose the information on here to try and benefit yourself. You can form your own opinions and then move on from there. Nobodys the same. Without going back into the past too much i would like to try and convey to people how ive become stronger when certain problems arise regarding relationships and how ive used techniques to stay focussed. Ive been through a few breakups (always the dumpee) so can fully understand peoples pain and grief. I also understand that people deal with problems in different ways. Thoughout every breakup that i have had ive always tried to learn how to manage feelings and thoughts so that when the same happens again in the future i know how to deal with myself. To make it a little easier. To me its all part of the learning process. By learning who you really are helps with the next relationship. It can also help not to make the same mistakes again or if you pick up on a few unwanted vibes you can initiate the change before it becomes a real problem. So whats worked for me? well as ive just mentioned, first off you need to feel comfortable with yourself, be confident and motivated to make changes when you think they are worthwhile. Breakups happen for a reason, whats the reason? what could of you done differently? remember nobodys perfect. Yes you feel heartbroken, that your future is no more, you think about the good times and how much you want them back, you want to let her know that you miss her and cannot go on without her etc etc i think we all know the feelings! NC works, it makes us focus back onto number one. Granted its hard to do but its a must. Ive also used this technique through relationships to keep things fresh. Ive learnt not to become needy or clingly. I know when your into someone its tough not to want to spend everyday with them but over time its not healthy. Have your own time and continue doing what you enjoy doing. She will then respect you more for this. It also helps if the relationship were to break down. Yes you will feel rubbish but at least your not needing that person to fullfill your time. This gives you confidence to move on. You also have to stay motivated, both to get on and heal or to change yourself for the better. If you say your going to do something then do it. So whats my situation? I was in a relationship back in 1998 for roughly 2 years, we were young (18) i was clingly and not very confident, low self asteem, basically not a great catch! She had her own issues as well, it wasnt just me. We split and i didnt contact her for 7 years. It was a truly depressing time for me and because i was a needy person was much harder for me to get over her. BUT slowly i did and in the process became more confident in myself, i knew what i wanted in a relaionship and in life. I realised my faults and changed for the better. It took me a few years to do this (and still am) and was very difficult BUT i stayed motivated because i knew it would help me in the future. Through those 7 years i had 2 other relationships that roughly lasted the same time. Once again problems arose but progressively things became easier and clearer to me each time i went through a breakup. In Dec 08 the first girlfriend came back into my life (hence why i came on hear for advice) she loved the way i had changed, i had grown up and was now a man. I had my own company, i showed confidence and more importantly had my own life. I loved the fact that she had also grown into a independant woman, who had travelled and deep down was still the girl that i had fallen in love with. We got back together in March 08 and things were great. I remained not needy, done my own thing, gave her space and used what i had learnt to keep the relationship happy. Unfortunatley 2 years down the line and we have now broken up once again. This time it was by mutual consent, i was not getting the things that i wanted out of a relationship. I was at a stage where i wanted to move the relationship forward but she wasnt. She couldnt give me what I wanted. You have to have self respect to know when its not working out and deal with it. Yes im devastated and yes i miss her terribly. There is a big hole in my life and some of my dreams have been taken BUT i also now understand that no matter how much you love someone you cannot make them love you the same. Its a big big shame as everything else was perfect. It will take time to get over her once more but i know how and more importantly know why i need to. NC, stay motivated, keep my self respect. I have learnt to not expect people to put me number one, when i have with them. You always have dreams, but some dont always become reality. Thank you for reading, stay strong and more importantly stay happy with yourself.
gaudi Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hey at least you've grown as a person. OK so things didn't work out second time around with your EX-girl, but it shows that you had both worked on yourselves in your own time and were big enough to give it another shot. Things sometimes don't work out, but it sounds like you were in a much better position to deal with it the second time around.
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