trust and love

[shadowplay]

I had a mini epiphany. It's common sense that you can't really love somebody without trusting them first, but I never realized just how intertwined trust and love actually are. Or maybe I knew it intellectually, but didn't feel it.

 

Often when people talk about trust in the context of love they mean trusting that your partner will be faithful, honest and have your best interests at heart. That's essential, of course, but a more fundamental trust is also necessary for love to happen. Somebody can be faithful, honest and have your best interests at heart without being deeply connected to you.

 

One aspect of this deeper trust is akin to what a child feels for a parent. Of course you can never recreate that unconditional love in a romantic relationship, but it's a slightly similar feeling. I'll add another layer to it. Think about the kind of love Hollywood serves up at its best. I realize this immediately sounds suspect, but bear with me.

 

Think about some of the more compelling love stories you've seen. There are some common elements. The lovers are different from the world around them in the same way, and this difference is what brings them together. After meeting, they almost immediately recognize this difference in the other. This is where trust first comes in to play. They trust their intuition about the other person being like them despite little evidence. Depending on the story they may embark on some sort of adventure together. This deepens the trust, because both partners have to trust that the other will have their back.

 

In reality, we almost never trust so blindly. But Hollywood creates an airtight love. Typically, these stories don't allow us to entertain even the smallest shred of doubt about the legitimacy of the lovers' bond. There are only a few exceptions I can think of, like the last scene in The Graduate.

 

Anyway, my point is that these movies get something right despite the strong whiff of bull****. I think to really, really be in love with somebody you have to believe deep down that they are different from other people in the same way that you are. Then you can enter your own little world together.

 

But there are some other necessary aspects of being in love, at least in the early stages, like the relief at having found somebody like you and the excitement that comes with something wonderful and new. It's hard to have all of these feelings simultaneously because trust usually develops over time and time diminishes both excitement and relief. Yet I don't think you can have that giddy "in love" feeling without all three going on at once. This means on some level you have to trust before it's wise to do so.

 

I know there's a much deeper kind of love which comes later, but I think it's difficult to get there without experiencing the other first.

 

I realized last night that I never have been able to get to either stage because part of me holds back. I don't trust in the sense I just described. I trust in the sense that I believe the other person is honest, faithful and truly cares about me. I have a much harder time trusting that the other person is a kindred spirit. I wonder if we're in the same world together, or if we've both carved out separate worlds based on misunderstandings about whom the other is.

Edited January 13, 2010 by shadowplay

[paddington bear]

I think you've described this very succinctly and poetically - but also truthfully.

 

Funny, what struck me about what you just wrote is that of all the things that broke my heart with the last guy I fell for was that he broke my trust - and again, not on that obvious 'will he be faithful?' level, as you mentioned, but that deeper trust. I trusted him not to behave the way he did, I trusted him to remain the same nice, kind person that I met, I trusted him to continue to be kind to me and to care for me.

 

The heartbreak was much, much worse, because I trusted this person 100% and when that kind of trust is broken, well, I actually can't put into words how that felt.

 

You're basing your current relationship issues on your ability to trust in certain things. I'm wondering if it was naive to trust so much and whether it is a good idea to ever allow myself to trust someone else so much again. It is perhaps stupid to put your trust in another human being, because we are only human and make mistakes and change our minds and, and, and, so maybe you cannot trust someone 100%...

[Star Gazer]

I have a much harder time trusting that the other person is a kindred spirit.

 

You've probably had that difficulty because deep down you knew that they weren't a kindred spirit.

 

What you've described is exactly what I have with BF, and what makes our relationship feel so special. I've just never been able to put it in words.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That was beautifully written shadow.

 

I have always felt that I was "different" and am looking for someone who is different in the same way. I even bond more deeply with friends who I feel are similarly different and what I call kindred spirits. I think that closer your personality is to the norm, the easier it is to find you kindered spirit (think of the bell curve in statistics). Some can argue what the "norm" is, but there are personalities or set of personality traits that are objectively more common than others (think of people that can get along with almost anyone).

 

 

I have issues with uncertainity and change. Feelings are fluid and change from day to day, even hour by hour. Sometimes a more permanent change is set in motion. While above is necesseary to be able to truly fall in love, falling out of love is also possible at any point. This is what really makes me anxious. If everything is perfect at this moment, how do I know it will be so next week or year (even with kindred spirits)? This part makes me hold back.

[shadowplay]

My boyfriend trusts me to a degree I don't understand. Last night he basically told me that I'm his "one," that he wants to stay with me for the rest of his life.

 

I asked him if he wouldn't feel like he was missing out since he's young and not especially experienced, and he assured me that he wouldn't. He said that I'm exactly what he wants in every way, that he feels more strongly about me than he ever has about anyone, that he loves me more than anything else in the world.

 

I can tell he truly believes he feels all these things, but I don't understand where these feelings come from after only a month and a half.

 

Maybe I'm too quick to invalidate his feelings. It's possible that he's somebody who just has a strong sense of what he wants and knows when he finds it.

 

I feel like I'm totally falling in love with him, but my trust isn't anywhere close to where his is. I wish it were.

[Star Gazer]

My boyfriend trusts me to a degree I don't understand. Last night he basically told me that I'm his "one," that he wants to stay with me for the rest of his life.

 

I asked him if he wouldn't feel like he was missing out since he's young and not especially experienced, and he assured me that he wouldn't. He said that I'm exactly what he wants in every way, that he feels more strongly about me than he ever has about anyone, that he loves me more than anything else in the world.

 

I can tell he truly believes he feels all these things, but I don't understand where these feelings come from after only a month and a half.

 

Maybe I'm too quick to invalidate his feelings. It's possible that he's somebody who just has a strong sense of what he wants and knows when he finds it.

 

I feel like I'm totally falling in love with him, but my trust isn't anywhere close to where his is. I wish it were.

 

How do you respond when he says these things to you?

[Ariadne]

The lovers are different from the world around them in the same way, and this difference is what brings them together. After meeting, they almost immediately recognize this difference in the other.

 

Yes. This is exactly what I felt with DG.

 

That´s why I´m having such a hard time letting go.

[shadowplay]

How do you respond when he says these things to you?

 

Well, I tell him I love him when he says it (because I do feel that to a pretty good degree) and with the other stuff I usually say "that's really sweet." Sometimes I raise doubts about his age and lack of experience.

[Ariadne]

I even bond more deeply with friends who I feel are similarly different and what I call kindred spirits.

 

Yeah, me too. I can´t get bothered with friends that have nothing to do, that´s why I hardly have any friends.

 

[threebyfate]

Shadow, looks like you've got most of it. IMO, the last ingredient is respect.

 

But I will say that Hollywood love is primarily unhealthy, since drama sells.

[pandagirl]

My boyfriend trusts me to a degree I don't understand. Last night he basically told me that I'm his "one," that he wants to stay with me for the rest of his life.

 

I asked him if he wouldn't feel like he was missing out since he's young and not especially experienced, and he assured me that he wouldn't. He said that I'm exactly what he wants in every way, that he feels more strongly about me than he ever has about anyone, that he loves me more than anything else in the world.

 

I can tell he truly believes he feels all these things, but I don't understand where these feelings come from after only a month and a half.

 

Maybe I'm too quick to invalidate his feelings. It's possible that he's somebody who just has a strong sense of what he wants and knows when he finds it.

 

I feel like I'm totally falling in love with him, but my trust isn't anywhere close to where his is. I wish it were.

 

This kind of blind trust and faith would feel unsettling to me, too, SP.

 

I have never truly loved anyone, because I have never been able to trust on that deep of a level. Even with my closet friendships, they had to develop over a period of time for me to learn enough about them, to observe them, to realize they were indeed trustworthy. There needs to be a consistent flow of words matching up with actions for this to happen.

 

But then again, some people more easily go with the flow of emotion. After all, isn't "truth" or "reality" nothing more than what one person *wants* to believe? We create our own reality and belief system.

[Stockalone]

I had a mini epiphany. It's common sense that you can't really love somebody without trusting them first, but I never realized just how intertwined trust and love actually are. Or maybe I knew it intellectually, but didn't feel it.

 

That is a bit of a sore point for me. Because the relationship and also the friendship which were truly important to me ended when I did something that they didn't expect me to do. That broke that trust: "You can't possible know me. If you did, you'd never have done that."

 

 

I don't disagree with what you said though. The thing is, when you have this kindred spirit feeling, it leaves very little room for mistakes. I think the expectations go way up. It does set the bar very high which is probably the way it should be.

 

On the other hand, breaking/violating that trust could be a sign that this kindred spirit feeling wasn't really true, though I would argue that this doesn't have to be the case.

[Mr White]

There is some truth to thad, but taken too far, it's a dangerous mindset.

Recall the book (and/or the movie) "Revolutionary Road"... There is nothing sadder than people who believe that they are different, only to discover (typically with horror ), that they are just like everybody else.

So I wouldn't say this particular issue has too much to do with trust. The uniqueness of a relationship is a process that is generated by the actions and the intimacy of the people involved - it's not a "given". But outside of that, and objectively speaking... we're all special - just like everybody else .

[threebyfate]

There is some truth to thad, but taken too far, it's a dangerous mindset.

Recall the book (and/or the movie) "Revolutionary Road"... There is nothing sadder than people who believe that they are different, only to discover (typically with horror ), that they are just like everybody else.

So I wouldn't say this particular issue has too much to do with trust. The uniqueness of a relationship is a process that is generated by the actions and the intimacy of the people involved - it's not a "given". But outside of that, and objectively speaking... we're all special - just like everybody else .

I agree with the bolded statement. But what you'll find is that compatibility matters A LOT! When you "click" with someone, part of this consists of speaking the same language of love, with a similar currency for appreciation. When there's a huge disparity between the individuals, that's when it becomes an uphill "project", rather than a viable relationship.

[shadowplay]

There is some truth to thad, but taken too far, it's a dangerous mindset.

Recall the book (and/or the movie) "Revolutionary Road"... There is nothing sadder than people who believe that they are different, only to discover (typically with horror ), that they are just like everybody else.

So I wouldn't say this particular issue has too much to do with trust. The uniqueness of a relationship is a process that is generated by the actions and the intimacy of the people involved - it's not a "given". But outside of that, and objectively speaking... we're all special - just like everybody else .

 

Interesting point. You got me curious about "Revolutionary Road." I just looked it up, and decided to order a copy from Amazon after reading the synopsis. Looks good. Thanks!

 

"1984" is a really extreme example of what I was talking about, where the lovers are drawn together by the fact that they're both awake. On the one hand what they share is completely universal -- simply being human -- but it becomes rare in a world where people routinely suppress their humanity.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Interesting point. You got me curious about "Revolutionary Road." I just looked it up, and decided to order a copy from Amazon after reading the synopsis. Looks good. Thanks!

 

"1984" is a really extreme example of what I was talking about, where the lovers are drawn together by the fact that they're both awake. On the one hand what they share is completely universal -- simply being human -- but it becomes rare in a world where people routinely suppress their humanity.

 

I saw Revolutionary Road few months ago and loved it. Although it is pretty dark and depressing. Let us know if you like it (I think that you will).

[Lovelybird]

shadowplay, it's a beautiful insightful post, you are good at expressing your thoughts !

 

I am not sure one can build up that deep level of trust in a short time. Trust building needs time. I don't understand how people can say you are the one in a very short time, I think they are "tricked" somehow by their own imaginations.

 

As for saying I love you back, if a man says it just because I said it first, I will not feel it convincing. I appreciate a man is very honest with his feelings, if he won't say it just because I say it first, then when he actually says it, it is ALL true !

[Crazy Magnet]

I feel like I get exactly what you are saying. After being hurt, I find that blind faith trusting SO hard, and I struggle daily to not question whatever man is in my life post-divorce. Even with my new boyfriend, I have moments of "I wonder if he really stopped dating everyone else?" and "Does he really like me?" or "Insert other irrational, inane, ridiculous thought here."

 

I want the kind of relationship where I know 100% that the guy is with me in the same place I am. I have no idea if I'll ever accomplish this outside of marriage again. I often feel that there is significant wiggle room for a man until we've said "I do." This, however, I realize has little to do with the men, and everything to do with my own insecurities. Ick. I guess that ******* will always have some hold over me....grrrrrr for the exH. Buttmunch.