OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 This is about the guy I went on a first date with last Saturday. The background is that a mutual friend introduced us (I've seen him around a couple times with friends before he got my number and asked me out); we went out on Saturday night and I thought it was a good date. He paid for the main activity; he also insisted on paying for our drinks, but he did let me buy one round. We're going out for a movie date tonight, and I think it's just going to be the two of us. That should be a given, but here's why I'm questioning it: on our date on Saturday he wanted to meet up with mutual friends beforehand, so we did... ...and he's also asked me if I'm going to a mutual friend's going away party at a bar this Saturday night, and he suggested that we meet at his place for a drink first, and share a cab to the bar. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing he's interested in seeing me...but on the other hand, it's a little odd? And I don't know if he only invited me over for drinks, or if other people will be there too? Am I making something out of nothing? To me it's just a little bit of a weird way to date. I like that we have mutual friends, but I feel like maybe he's a lazy dater or more interested in hooking up or something...? I'm just a little confused. Tonight I'm going to play it by ear, but I'm thinking (just from knowing him) that he will pay for the "date"...I'm thinking of letting him buy my ticket, and then insisting that he let me buy snacks. But I am interested in him, so does that send the wrong signal?
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 i NEVER let a woman pay for anything. this seems odd to me that this would even be an issue. the girl i saw last night, for our third date, insisted on buying dinner. when i told her she was crazy and i'm going to pay, she said "are you ever going to let me pay for anything ever?"...i was "no, never". i cant believe that this is even an issue. i'm a firm believer in chivalry and the man should pay for the date....the woman can reciprocate with sex;)! (i'm joking) all that being said, i dont think it sends the wrong signal. be flirty with him if you are interested...stroke his arm, touch his leg....thats how you show interest, not by paying for your movie ticket.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Well I'm wondering if I should be trying to pay for some stuff, since he keeps involving mutual friends in our plans. It's making me wonder how interested he is, and I don't want to be seen as "using" him if I let him pay for everything...but at the same time I am definitely interested in him, so I don't want to send him the wrong signals by paying either...
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Well I'm wondering if I should be trying to pay for some stuff, since he keeps involving mutual friends in our plans. It's making me wonder how interested he is, and I don't want to be seen as "using" him if I let him pay for everything...but at the same time I am definitely interested in him, so I don't want to send him the wrong signals by paying either... I would offer to pay...its a nice gesture and shows you are appreciative. if he is any type of gentleman or considers this a 'date' he should refuse your offer and pay for your ticket. This may give you some insight into how he feels about you as well, but that's so hard to judge, because every guy is different about paying. For me, if I consider it a date, I'm paying everytime, but LOVE when the girl offers.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I would offer to pay...its a nice gesture and shows you are appreciative. if he is any type of gentleman or considers this a 'date' he should refuse your offer and pay for your ticket. This may give you some insight into how he feels about you as well, but that's so hard to judge, because every guy is different about paying. For me, if I consider it a date, I'm paying everytime, but LOVE when the girl offers. OK stevejohnson, I'll let him pay if he offers. Do you make anything of the friend thing? What if we're going to the movie with other people? LoL
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 OK stevejohnson, I'll let him pay if he offers. Do you make anything of the friend thing? What if we're going to the movie with other people? LoL good question. i personally do not like going out with friends with someone I am courting early on (first 1-4 dates or so). I think its hard to get to know the person and show them the time and attention they deserve. I had a girl I am dating now ask me to meet her out last weekend (and this one) with all her friends. I politely declined. I think it sets you up for the friendzone...and not much good can come of it. What the friends think you are ugly, or a dork or rude? its so early in the courting process that the person you are seeing could be very easily influenced by his/her friends. Its hard early on to be in a group with someone you barely no. All that nonsense being said, i'm not sure what to make of the friend thing. Like I said, I think its could be seen as one way ticket to the friendzone, which I dont think you want. watch him closely. see if he initiates touching, being flirty, etc. Look for signs of interest. see that he pays more attention to you than his friends....
Author OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) good question. i personally do not like going out with friends with someone I am courting early on (first 1-4 dates or so). I think its hard to get to know the person and show them the time and attention they deserve. I had a girl I am dating now ask me to meet her out last weekend (and this one) with all her friends. I politely declined. I think it sets you up for the friendzone...and not much good can come of it. What the friends think you are ugly, or a dork or rude? its so early in the courting process that the person you are seeing could be very easily influenced by his/her friends. Its hard early on to be in a group with someone you barely no. All that nonsense being said, i'm not sure what to make of the friend thing. Like I said, I think its could be seen as one way ticket to the friendzone, which I dont think you want. watch him closely. see if he initiates touching, being flirty, etc. Look for signs of interest. see that he pays more attention to you than his friends.... Yeah, I'm concerned about the "friendzone," or that he's just looking to hook up. His approach to dating seems so casual. I think I'm going to tell him that I'll just see him out on Saturday, rather than meeting at his place for a drink first. Edited January 13, 2010 by OnlyJake
b52s Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 i NEVER let a woman pay for anything. this seems odd to me that this would even be an issue. the girl i saw last night, for our third date, insisted on buying dinner. when i told her she was crazy and i'm going to pay, she said "are you ever going to let me pay for anything ever?"...i was "no, never". . Never,?? Never heard of a guy that would NEVER leta woman pay, figured that was good for the first few dates.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Yeah, I'm concerned about the "friendzone," or that he's just looking to hook up. His approach to dating seems so casual. I think I'm going to tell him that I'll just see him out on Saturday, rather than meeting at his place for a drink first. are you sure? are other people going to be at his house beforehand? if not, its a PERFECT chance for you two to spend some quality time with one another and I wouldnt pass that oppy up. how old are you both? i think younger people tend to be OK with courting and groups, but when you get older, its more 'normal' to do one on one dating. its so hard to give you rock solid advice because everyone is so different. like you said, he has a 'casual approach to dating'. Whereas, I am the complete opposite. I think you need to be VERY observant when with him and look for any and all clues that he is interested in you...eye contact, ignoring others around for you, etc. Observe, observe and observe some more!
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 apologies for my poor grammar and leaving words out...im typing way too fast and not proofreading at all...mutli-tasking here. i'm not that stupid that i dont KNOW the difference between KNOW and NO.. sorry!
Author OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 are you sure? are other people going to be at his house beforehand? if not, its a PERFECT chance for you two to spend some quality time with one another and I wouldnt pass that oppy up. how old are you both? i think younger people tend to be OK with courting and groups, but when you get older, its more 'normal' to do one on one dating. its so hard to give you rock solid advice because everyone is so different. like you said, he has a 'casual approach to dating'. Whereas, I am the complete opposite. I think you need to be VERY observant when with him and look for any and all clues that he is interested in you...eye contact, ignoring others around for you, etc. Observe, observe and observe some more! LoL OK, maybe I'll feel him out first about the drink thing. I know that it's not unusual for him to have people over to "pregame" before going out. He owns his house, but rents the extra bedrooms, so he has 2 roommates, one of whom he brings out sometimes. So if he invited the roommate, the roommate would be hanging out with us beforehand also. I'm in my mid-late 20s; he's in his mid 30s. That might be why I'm wondering about this situation: you're right that everyone's approach is different, and that this kind of casual approach is reminiscent of "college" dating. I don't think he has a ton of dating experience though; my impression is that in general he's a casual dater. It seems like women tend to make most of the moves with him. Being observant is good advice, I'll have to try to remember to pay close attention tonight.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 LoL OK, maybe I'll feel him out first about the drink thing. I know that it's not unusual for him to have people over to "pregame" before going out. He owns his house, but rents the extra bedrooms, so he has 2 roommates, one of whom he brings out sometimes. So if he invited the roommate, the roommate would be hanging out with us beforehand also. I'm in my mid-late 20s; he's in his mid 30s. That might be why I'm wondering about this situation: you're right that everyone's approach is different, and that this kind of casual approach is reminiscent of "college" dating. I don't think he has a ton of dating experience though; my impression is that in general he's a casual dater. It seems like women tend to make most of the moves with him. Being observant is good advice, I'll have to try to remember to pay close attention tonight. it does seem VERY college like...I'm 33 and wouldnt take this approach. like I said, it could mean friendzone. If I'm interested in a girl, i want to spend time with them, just me and her, especially early on. Once the relationship is establish, of course its no big deal to hangout in groups. tough call here OJ. Just look for his signs towards you. If he's interested, he'll let you know (through body language and actions), so its up to you to decipher the messages! That's what makes this so fun! (hmmmm)
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 He's definitely not courting you, that's for sure. IME, guys who prefer this "hanging out" method of dating either lack confidence that you're interested, or, more often, are lazy in the relationship department.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 When it's a date, guys are more than happy to pay for me. If I offer to split anything then I'm not really interested in them and don't want to owe them anything later on. If a guy chooses to hang out with you and friends together, then he's friendzoning you.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Well he definitely flirts with me, in person and via text and email. Maybe he has me on the backburner or something? Our date last Saturday was definitely on the expensive side, especially for a first date. The tab was probably close to $200.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I went on the movie date, he paid...AND he brought another girl!! I actually know this other girl; we're not close friends or anything, but I've hung out in a group with her on a few occasions, I like her. The story is, her ex-bf, who she is still friends with and talks to every single day and hangs out with all the time has been seeing another girl for the last 2 or 3 months. Date-Crasher-Girl is upset because her ex never once mentioned he was seeing someone; she found out because she saw a picture on Facebook or something ridiculous like that. To make matters worse, she says this other girl is someone that her ex talked to every day while she (Date-Crasher-Girl) was dating him, and she asked him about her and he told her not to worry, she was married. The guy I had the date with apologized to me; said that she was blowing up his phone, super pissed/upset, so he just invited her because she really wanted to see him. He offered me a "raincheck" on a real movie date. I don't think I want one! Seriously, wtf?
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 , it's a little odd? given the situation its not odd
skydiveaddict Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I went on the movie date, he paid...AND he brought another girl!! what? are you serious ? waste no more time with him
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I went on the movie date, he paid...AND he brought another girl!! now thats odd
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 The guy I had the date with apologized to me; said that she was blowing up his phone, super pissed/upset, so he just invited her because she really wanted to see him. He offered me a "raincheck" on a real movie date. I don't think I want one! Seriously, wtf? Indeed. This situation really had a way of working itself out. This may go without saying, but it really isn't that hard for the guy to tell his ex to F off even if she's calling a lot (I've done it a couple times). I'd move on; this guy sounds like he doesn't want to be serious with you, or even really grow up in general for that matter. Cut ties and run. I don't see any value in even a friendship with this clown.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Cut ties and run. I don't see any value in even a friendship with this clown. i think they both run in the same circle so better to be "nice"
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 what? are you serious ? waste no more time with him sorry jake, i think skydive speaks the truth
Author OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 what? are you serious ? waste no more time with him Agreed. Indeed. This situation really had a way of working itself out. This may go without saying, but it really isn't that hard for the guy to tell his ex to F off even if she's calling a lot (I've done it a couple times). I'd move on; this guy sounds like he doesn't want to be serious with you, or even really grow up in general for that matter. Cut ties and run. I don't see any value in even a friendship with this clown. True! Just to clarify (not that it makes the situation any better) it wasn't my date's ex-gf, I know that she's not someone he has ever even hooked up with (or else it was kept VERY quiet). I do wonder what she's thinking, crashing our date though. It's also possible my date didn't tell HER he was supposed to be going on a date with me. He didn't even seem to think I would mind very much (maybe because we all knew each other?), or at least he was trying to play it off that way. So his problem might be a casual dating/lazy dating mindset, or something else is going on. Either way, his behavior is bull****. i think they both run in the same circle so better to be "nice" Yup! No reason not to be "nice" or friendly or whatever, really. I'm taking this as now I know he's not someone I want to date, and thank goodness this was only the second date. sorry jake, i think skydive speaks the truth Definitely. If he asks me what happened, should I be honest with him? I want to tell him exactly why, but I'm afraid that this would leave him room to ask for another chance (assuming he wants one).
Author OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 He called me and left a vmail asking me to call him back; I also just got a pretty long email from him apologizing again, and also asking for a raincheck again - he wants to "make it up to me" by taking me to a really nice restaurant so we can finally be alone to hang out with each other, and "to thank me for being such a good sport about tonight." I'm going to sleep on it before responding, so if anyone has any input, feel free to post. I was leaning toward telling him exactly why I don't want to see him again, but it seems like maybe he knows how badly he came across, so I'm not sure that would do any good; I feel like the email was a preemptive attack on that approach. I also want this to be as friendly and smooth as possible, since we do know some of the same people.
Star Gazer Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Just tell him it's clear you're not compatible, and that you wish him well. Don't waste anymore time than it takes to say that.
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