Dad remarried doesn't have a good relationship with me

[casey58]

Here is my story. I lived my Dad and his wife (stepmother), till I was 18, basically I was kicked out once I turned 18, because I didn't get along with my stepmother all the time. Well, I am about to be 30 next month. Haven't really had much a relationship with my Dad since I left his house, 12 years ago. His wife aka my stepmother is a very controlling woman. We basically talk on the phone that is the consistency of our father, daughter relationship. He only live 30 mins away from me. I have been trying to get him to spend time with me, but he is full of excuses day in day out. It's always either money excuses or he has a dr's appt. Now he doesn't work, so he has all the time in the world. So here is the kicker, my family wants to throw me a 30th bday dinner for me, he doesn't think its special at all. He said I don't know if I have money for that, then the other issue is my Real mom is going, and my step mother doesn't feel comfortable as she stated. In all honesty we are all adults here and cannot believe she would not go to my 30th bday cause my Mother would be there, I find that ridiculous considering she has been married to my Dad for over 20 years now. I feel like she will use that on my Dad just so he won't go to my birthday dinner. I am tired of chasing my Dad trying to have a relationship with him and he doesn't try. All I have is a phone relationship with him, and all he does is talk about money. I can't accept that he doesn't want to get to know his one and only daughter, and is always chosing his wife over everyone else. I have to also state he pulls this crap with the rest of the family as well. As I look at it now I only have my Mom and she is being Dad and the mom. Its sad. I have decided that if he doesn't show up for my bday dinner, that I would wipe my hands of him, since everyone would be there but him. I believe my stepmother is controlling him. The other issue is I am planning on getting married in the future, is that going to be the same problem as well. You would think that people can put their issues aside for the sake of making their daughter happy. I mean come on, are we children? Any advice??

[2sure]

You dont have to wash your hands of him. You could of course, and rightfully so...but that wont make you feel better. And worse, if you wash your hands of him now...its possible that years into the future you will regret it.

 

It doesnt sound as though "washing your hands of him" would take a great deal effort given the fact that he is barely there in your life anyway.

 

You might consider not expecting anything from him. Which sucks, I know. But if you dont expect anything , you will become less disappointed. You cannot make him the man you want him to be, not even a little. Getting angry that he is not who you need/want...does nada.

 

Meanwhile, while expecting nothing...dont close the door. Leave it open for him to reach to you. On occasion only, reach out yourself just to let him know the door is still open but nothing more. That way, if he does happen to come through once in a while...you will be pleased more than frustrated.

 

Just a thought. And..by the way...I'm truly sorry this is what got handed to you in the parent department.

[quankanne]

maybe it's time to practice tough love? And at some point tell him that you're disappointed that he chooses not to take the time to build up a stronger relationship with you, and that because he always seems to point out what a hassle it is to get together with you because of this or that, you're stepping back from the relationship. That you love him, but you're tired of being treated like crap, and therefore, you are limiting contact with him. That he's free to say hello whenever he wants, but that you've given up on the relationship.

 

there's a good chance that he'll do absolutely nothing to improve the relationship, especially if he's being pressured by his wife to keep his relationship with his family to a minimum, but there's also the possibility that he'll grow some cojones and realize that it's up to HIM to keep y'alls relationship alive, because after all, he's the dad and he's supposed to set a good example.

 

hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, you know?

 

best of luck to you, kiddo ...

[redfathom]

I had something similar happen. My dad was dating a women (who moved in with us, with her son). She was crazy and my dad saw no fault in her. I was in highschool and we fought a lot, both me and her and my dad. I was so angry with my dad for not standing up to her. She would throw things at me, curse at me (calling me the b-word) and he would tell me that he was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I ended up going to live with my mom. When I would call him I could hear her in the background yelling at him to hang up the phone.

 

When I got married she was angry with me and stopped him (his fault too) from going to my wedding. She passed away about six years ago and we became close after that. He is no remarried and keeps a good check on his wife so that it doesn't get in the way of our relationship. We talk or see each other every week now...

 

The best thing to do is just to tell your dad how much you care and how much he is hurting you. Constantly being rejected has to really hurt. I would tell him that and tell him that you can't put yourself through that anymore, but that you really want a relationship and hope that in time he'll come around.

 

Good luck!

[mimidarlin]

I can't speak to the stepmother relationship but I know that a relationship with your father is important. I moved out at 18 as well and haven't lived at home since...mother is very difficult. Married and live out of state now. My dad called me every week and spoke to me about the weather...etc. Didn't really appreciate it until he got sick. You can lose someone so fast.

 

My father passed away within 8 months of his cancer diagnosis. I am grateful that I made it a priority to be there for him. I flew everywhere and helped him seek radical treatment. He saw me as a grown woman finally and shared a lot of his feelings about life love etc.

 

I think that you should approach your father and let him know that though the relationship is strained you would like it to improve. Life will throw you curve balls. My father was as healthy as a horse at 73 but it went downhill quickly. I had no idea how losing my father would turn my world upside down. I'm 37 and miss my "daddy".

[KikiW]

I am SOOOO right there with you. My father remarried a very controlling woman - I was able to get along with her in a civil manner but to be frank I did not like her, we just had nothing in common.

 

Top this all off with the fact that he believes he is right at all times. He's one of those people that will immediately forward inflamatory political emails before checking with snopes to see if it's been refuted, and then ignores my polite replies with the link to the page that refutes it. He believes he is a good source of knowledge - will give ME business advice, despite having several failed (failed MISERABLY I might add) business ventures with no successes under his belt. He remembers minute details of some rude thing I said when I was 7, but conveniently forgot about the time he threatened to walk out of my wedding if there was language he didn't like in the ceremony (he is a born-again, I am not). I found out through my sister's facebook status that my grandmother had died, I guess he was just too busy to call me and let me know. He consistently tries to pin the blame on our rocky relationship on my mother, claiming she badmouthed him to me as I grew up - this is the furthest from the truth - she NEVER said a bad word about him and tried to encourage our relationship even though she wanted to rip his face off for being such a rotten father. It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that she told me how she really felt about things.

 

At this point, I am 35 and just coming to accept that he is who he is. I must learn to bite my tongue because he does not acknowledge or apologize for his faults. I must learn to never expect much from him lest I be let down for the 100th time. I have to accept that he does love me in his own way, but it's not the way I want and that's just too bad for me.

 

Once, my sister (technically my half-sister, grew up with him) asked what it was like having 2 dads (because my mother remarried to a very nice man). At the time, I said that I didn't really see myself having 2 dads because ours wasn't around for me. For a couple of years I thought perhaps it was a little harsh of me to say that, but now I don't regret saying it. It's true. I had a father, and some guy who likes to think he's my father.

 

As for your situation, I think you should not expect much from your father. If you want to invite him, go ahead, but assume he won't be a part of it and you will be pleasantly surprised if he attends. Stick with the people who love and support you fully. It sucks having a dad like that, but he is creating this situation. Don't let him spoil your celebration.

Edited January 23, 2010 by KikiW

[Eve]

I would say that if you want a relationship with Dad, the best thing would be to not invite him or even tell him about family events that have nothing to do with him. Being objective here, the stepmum will see this event as a poke in the eye because really it is easy to wipe away things done in our teen years without realising the impact done to others. So, essentially I am not saying that stepmum is not a bitch.. but you may have been one too and this birthday party could be being seen as a throw back to efforts made by you (in the past) to maintain what you see as family... but to Dad and new partner is not and never will be anything to do with them again.

 

If you want a relationship with Dad I think that you have to deal only with him. This would include having a 30th birthday dinner alone with him, etc, etc, etc. If you want Dad to be the vision you have in your mind, continue as you are. Of course he may not respond well to having a relationship with just you but in my professional experience, this usually resolves even the most fraught situations.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[AppleGirl]

You said that your father and step mother have been married for 20 years and that you are going to celebrating your 30th birthday. So, that means you were a 10 yr old girl when your stepmom came into the picture. What was your relationship like way back then? Was it a pleasant one? Were you accepting of this new woman in your father's life? Or were you jealous and difficult to get along with because of this new intrusion?

 

I am simply asking because now *I* am the "evil" stepmother to my fiancee's kids and they are very resentful of my presence. I am not their mother, nor do I try to be but they make life were difficult for me.

 

I noticed you mentioned your "real mother". Where was she when you were young and why didn't you live with her as opposed to your father and stepmother? Perhaps this has something to do with why your father and stepmom don't want to attend your birthday celebration. Maybe they feel that they raised you and why should they have to share your birthday with your "real mom"

 

just my two cents..,