ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I know so many of you have advised me to stay in my marriage - work on it harder - told me I haven't done enough. This morning I got a call from my husband who's been away a mere 24 hours. He's on his way home from his short business trip. I knew he was coming home today - but I have such overwhelming depression when I know I am going to be around him I can't escape it. I feel sad - depressed - unable to even function. This has nothing to do with anyone else - I have let everything else go. My daughter keeps saying "I miss daddy". I wish I did too. But truth is, I love my household when he isn't around. I am a better mother. Happier. My kids in turn are happier too. Last night I had all 3 of them in my bed watching Idol with me. That never would have happened had he been home (the house has an entirely different feeling when he's here). I am not sure why I have started a thread for this. I just am down this morning and have no one to talk to about this. If I could make this work with him - I would. But how sad is it that I am only truly happy when he is away? Again, this isn't about another man - because I have ended that. Depressed. Angry. Sad. Confused.
dgiirl Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I don't have much time for a proper response as I'm off to work. However, instead of focusing on negative feelings about your husband, try focusing on positive feelings about life in general. Go out for a walk, do something that will put you in a positive mood. You still give your husband control over your happiness, or unhappiness, and that's not a healthy way of living or even fair to him.
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I know. you are right. I know it's going to be a while before all this comes to an end and I think that's what depresses me the most. I think I go into a state of denial when he's not here - it's a glimpse of life without him - I realize how much happier i am - and then when he returns it all comes down on me and I realize he's still here and I am still in this situation. I have made so many monumental mistakes.
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 How long ago did you end it with the OM? We made the decision to stop all this Jan 1.
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 And you think you're already over it? "Over it"?? This post has nothing to do with him.
floridapad Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Anne, I'm going to state the obvious. Your depression is all YOU. Please don't put that on your husband. Also, regarding the OM, you just cutt it off Jan 1. Sometimes withdrawal pain can come in different forms and create depression even though it may not seem like it. Just a thought. My W was also depressed when I came home during the in-house seperation. I was a reminder of what she did (I was still sulking a bit at the time) and that she was not "in love" with me. Thats pretty common. Now after 6 months of out of house seperation she is actually happy to see me. The other day she came at me from left field and said "You know if you move back in the house we're going to have to do something with all these pets (I bought for my kids at my apartment). WTF?? Sometimes space and time gives the ability to heal and see things in a different light, but please don't put that on your husband. My W eventually came to this realization. It was all her.
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Btw, this "sadness" I am feeling has nothing to do with OM. I am sad because of my current situation. Oddly enough I am "ok" with stepping away from OM. None of that was fair to my H, the OM or anyone. It was wrong anyway you look at it. I can't have both worlds. The OM and I talked a while ago and he was angered - saying that he was only a small portion of the pie - that I got everything I wanted and needed - comfort and security my H gave me - and love the OM gave me. Wrong wrong wrong. I can't do that anymore. I feel ashamed and horrified at my selfishness. Never did I think I was even that type. Never. My sadness today comes from being on this high I was on the past 24 hours. Knowing he wasn't going to be coming home. Knowing I would be happier - which in turn made my kids happier. When he's home I am sad and cranky and it reflects off them. I try SO hard not to do that - as they deserve a peaceful, happy mother. They are my first priority. I am probably making no sense. I just needed a vent is all.
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Anne, I'm going to state the obvious. Your depression is all YOU. Please don't put that on your husband. Also, regarding the OM, you just cutt it off Jan 1. Sometimes withdrawal pain can come in different forms and create depression even though it may not seem like it. Just a thought. My W was also depressed when I came home during the in-house seperation. I was a reminder of what she did (I was still sulking a bit at the time) and that she was not "in love" with me. Thats pretty common. Now after 6 months of out of house seperation she is actually happy to see me. The other day she came at me from left field and said "You know if you move back in the house we're going to have to do something with all these pets (I bought for my kids at my apartment). WTF?? Sometimes space and time gives the ability to heal and see things in a different light, but please don't put that on your husband. My W eventually came to this realization. It was all her. You're right. And I am trying not to put this on my husband. When I feel angered at him I stop myself because none of this is his fault. It is all me. Thank you for making me stop and think about that.
silic0ntoad Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I am confused. Are you depressed and sad because the way your husband acts around you is upsetting, or are you depressed and sad at seeing him because the guilt is too much to bear?
Author ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I am confused. Are you depressed and sad because the way your husband acts around you is upsetting, or are you depressed and sad at seeing him because the guilt is too much to bear? None of the above. I am depressed and sad because I have to be around him. I know that sounds so mean - and I am not a mean person. I just don't like being around him. It's not so much guilt - well - maybe it is - it's hard to explain - I just feel different around him. It's been this way for yearssss. Always have loved when he's gone away and always felt severe depression when he's come home. Its not his fault - he doesn't treat me badly - this sadness isn't a reflection of how he is to me - it's completely ME. I hope I am making sense.
reboot Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Please don't think I'm trying to be mean here, because I'm not. I just don't understand how you could have just broken up with your other man and think none of your sadness has anything to do with that.
floridapad Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Ann When my wife and I finally had the real seperation she was relieved. She was at "peace" as she described to her friends. She had that initial sense of happiness. However 6 months (actually 7 now) later she is still depressed. Less stressed albeit but still depressed. She got what she wanted a seperation and likely a divorce, but she has not figured out how to make herself happy. She is realizing that her unhappiness was not necessarily because of me, (although I made my mistakes in the marriage that contributed a bit...as we all do). I compare my W to you because the situtations are pretty identical all the way down to same age, same number of kids, same number of years married, same "feelings" or lack there of, same type of affair. Same just about everything. Your happiness will need to come from you. Be strong and look inside yourself. Keep your H out of this, unless of course he is being an Ahole, but it doesn't sound like he is. Look at yourself since you were a child and find out what makes Ann....Ann. If you get angry or impatient around your H ask yourself why. Be careful though to not put the answer on him or his habits. Focusing on yourself and analyzing your emotions and thoughts, beleive it or not, will be an incredible healing process for you. Get in touch with your emotions by looking at yourself, asking why, and asking yourself how can I fix it or change your perception of pople things and situations. As they say, if you are not in touch/control of your emotions and self/ then your emotions/feelings will control you and your happiness or lack there of.
hopesndreams Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I thought you were going to leave after Christmas? How much longer will you be making your H miserable?
Ilovehimbut Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Ann, I have never posted to you before, but have read your posts. I somewhat understand your point of view, as I have been there also at times throughout my 15 year marriage (not with another man, but feelings within my marriage). However, I will tell you that when "I" change my thinking about my husband and our marriage things change. You say that last night you were in bed with the kids watching Idol, but that would/could never happen when your husband is home...Why?? Have you ever asked your husband to lay in bed with you and the kids to watch a show? (maybe he would love nothing more). I'm not talking about this from a "romantic" angle, but rather it's the little things that "you" choose to do that can change your feelings for your husband. I know you have said that it has always been this way (and I understand that because I have said the same thing about my marriage), but YOU have the ability to change how you view this marriage and your husband. The feelings of sadness and depression that you got this morning when you heard he was coming home are a "choice" that you make. When you say to yourself that you will feel this way and "can't help it" you are only trying to lessen the guilt on yourself, because maybe you haven't given him a chance to be the husband he wants to be. Maybe your husband hasn't been or isn't the person or husband you want him to be, but maybe that's because you have never opened up your heart to ALLOW him to be this person. Maybe nothing in the world would make him happier than an invite to lay in bed with his family and laugh and watch a show - but how will you ever know that he could be this man/husband if you are convinced that he can't be. I have gone through many times in my marriage where I thought to myself "why did I ever do this - he's not the person I am meant to be with", and I will admit that I have been VERY close to walking away, but I really do believe that my husband loves me (as I'm sure yours does too), and when "I" make the choice to open my heart to him, I am always amazed at how much he WANTS to be the husband that I want him to be. It really is the little things that make a HUGE difference, and little changes in the way you think about your husband/marriage can make all the difference in the world. I know you seem to have made up your mind, and with that I hope you and your husband find peace, but I speak from experience when I say that things *could* be different. Your husband might not be who you think he is after all. He might not be the person that makes you depressed and sad, but rather he has been waiting all these years for a *chance* to show you who he really is, but has never been given the opportunity because you have him built up in your mind as "not the right person for me" or "not the person I am meant to be with". You made wonderful children with this man, and you owe it to them, him and yourself to open your heart *just a little* and see what *might* become of it. I wish you all peace.
silic0ntoad Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Excellent post ILHB. Really, Anne, I understand when someone gets complacent, and getting rid of the OM takes courage. Now the issue is this; do you take the vain and prideful path of walking away without opening up and starting fresh with your husband? Or do you do the noble thing and see if you both have the bawls to try and fix the problems? Anything is fixable with determination. If you're past that point, leave and file for a D. If not, stop the shenanigans and start fresh. You had the A, so you have to show him that you want it to work. Do NEW things together. Recreate romance. Do things you never did when you originally dated or when you were married. Otherwise, it's all for naught.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 ann I am sorry to say there are no magical bullets. It will take time Bravo for breaking it off with the OM, good for you. I understand how hard this was to do. Please for your and your childrens sake continue down this road. Standing away from the problem I can see a little bit of both sides. Also I understand that as a man, there is no way that I can feel the lose that you are going through. For now you are in a no win situation. You feel nothing for your H and yet you realize that you have to break it off with the OM. So there is even a bigger hole in your life. You are still dependent upon your H Gunny hit the nail on the head months ago when he advised that you need to find out what you need to make yourself happy. Are you still planning upon getting a job, getting a place of your own, and in that way possibly finding out who Ann is and what makes her tick? Until you find yourself I suspect that you are just spinning your wheels. Are you still seeing a IC? For now is there any other interest such as a hobby, gardening, tropical fish, doll house building, creative writing, etc. that you might get into. Something that you can do for yourself and possible involve your children that will get your mind temporarily out of the depression. For now keep your chin up, and keep posting and venting here.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 The husband is probably coming to see the kids, nothing more. Ann is just putting it off on him because she feels guilty about seeing what she has caused. The kids will be a part of him as they are of you. Happiness comes from within. He isnt the cause of you being miserable. You are the cause and creator of your own emotional well being. Now that you filed for divorce you should be happy either way you get to go out and there and experience the world. You arent the injured party. your husband is. The affair, the choices that you make. You made them, no one put a gun to you head... So the best thing you could do is just move on, and focus on why your so damn miserable and stop placing the blame on others.
sotagoon Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Ann, Have you ever asked your husband to lay in bed with you and the kids to watch a show? (maybe he would love nothing more). I'm not talking about this from a "romantic" angle, but rather it's the little things that "you" choose to do that can change your feelings for your husband. There is no better statement than this. I don't know a man on earth that has the ability to read minds...nor a woman for that matter. I know for me, I loved nothing more than being asked to do things like this. It's the same as being asked out on a date for the first time....exciting in a way.
silic0ntoad Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 the husband is probably coming to see the kids, nothing more. Ann is just putting it off on him because she feels guilty about seeing what she has caused. The kids will be a part of him as they are of you. Happiness comes from within. He isnt the cause of you being miserable. You are the cause and creator of your own emotional well being. Now that you filed for divorce you should be happy either way you get to go out and there and experience the world. You arent the injured party. Your husband is. The affair, the choices that you make. You made them, no one put a gun to you head... So the best thing you could do is just move on, and focus on why your so damn miserable and stop placing the blame on others. +1 on this.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Chrome, I love you, man. In a non-gay kinda way. ;) Happiness comes from within. He isnt the cause of you being miserable. You are the cause and creator of your own emotional well being. Creed nailed with this song.
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Ann, you are seriously deluding yourself. FP and ILoveHimBut said it all from experience perspective. Chrome in his no nonesense way put the icing on the cake. You jumped into the arms of OM without looking deep to determine what is making u unhappy. Now you have left OM u still haven't examine why you are unhappy. You are looking at things from a superficial perspective hence you are focusing on husband by thinking that he is the source of your depression. Like FP, my wife left stating that she was so unhappy in the M. Months after she vacated, she said she has never been so happy in her life - big words for any H to hear. Now, through the grapevine, she is saying how good I was to her, how i loved her, et al ... similar to FP's experience. I think the best thing for you is to file for divorce, then months down the line you would experience what ILHB and FP are saying. Your H seems a nice guy who is willing to accept you with your flaws. Your situation isn't different from those who have thread this same part as yours.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 There is no better statement than this. I don't know a man on earth that has the ability to read minds...nor a woman for that matter. I know for me, I loved nothing more than being asked to do things like this. It's the same as being asked out on a date for the first time....exciting in a way. I would have done anything to know what my STBXW wanted differently. But I had no clue... If there was anything I could have done I would done everything in my power to do it. And I will in any future relationship. I for one will always communicate to my partner if I wished something was a little different. And I will encourage them to do the same. stg is right - it's exciting to hear things like this from your partner ... because you know it is because of their desire to be happier and how could that not be exciting???????
tnttim Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I think you need some pro help here. The way you feel should only fall on your shoulders. Saying my husband makes me depressed is not the case. You are the only one that can control your feelings. Until you do something about it you are doomed to feel this way forever. Depression is an illness that just doesn't go away, or dissipate over time. It gets worse. What happens when your kids grow up and move out? This can only get worse if you don't act now.
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