How the Friendzone can backfire

[b52s]

I actually played the "Friendship Game" pretty much the last time when I made "friends" with a woman I was kind of interested in dating. She was somewhat flirty with me, and even asked me to have dinner with her, then immediately said "We're doing this as friends, okay?"

 

I kind of laughed to myself, and went along with it, I wasn't bothered, because I wanted to see if I actually WENT along with it, JUST to see how it played out.

 

Turned out, her Friend Zoning me blew up in her face.

 

I met her at a singles mixer at church, and before services I would kind of hang with her and at parties would kind of hang with her too, but I mingled as well. Esp after we had dinner and conversation together, I just gravitated towards just chit chatting with her at events only a couple of times while she was with people in a group.

 

Apparently, she had a problem with her being SEEN with me. She took me aside and told me to kind of not "hang" with her at these events, because just might think we are actually *gasp* a couple!! And other men won't approach her.

 

I said, "Sheesh, sorry I cramp your style"

 

After that comment, I ceased contact with her, then about a couple of weeks later she contacts me wondering where I've been, she said she was going to be out looking for new puppies, and wanted met to join her in her search.....and we had lunch together that day as well.

 

Then she says to me, "you know, my friend tells me I shouldn't be doing this, that this might give you the wrong impression"

 

And I said, "Why should it matter what your friend thinks?"

 

I was thinking she was on the fence of her interest in me romantically. Because when she asked me to dinner, regardless of whether she wanted to do it "as friends" she was still sizing me up as boyfriend material.

 

After she had gotten home from our excursion. I settled in as well....then she contacts me and says she kinda wanted some company and wanted me to see a movie at her place....she kind of had a "Pretty Pleaaaaase, come overr?" tone to her voice.

 

I was figuring, "ah, she has come around!"

 

I show up, we go to sit down and watch a movie, the woman doesn't even sit on the same couch as me....sits in a chair on the other side of the room.

 

When the movies over, she doesn't even walk me to her door, just sits there and says "have a good night"

 

She still stayed in touch occasionally, she wound up getting engaged to some guy (poor guy, lol) and she told me to just email her at her WORK email.

 

I thought, how lame. And wrote her off as a "friend"

 

During this time towards the end, she actually admitted that she "likes my attention", so she as just using me for the attention I gave her. Nice.....

 

For a moment, I thought she was trying to insult me.

 

So, this is just an example of how a woman who, herself, will want to be friends with a guy and a guy actually AGREEING to go along with it, blows up in HER face.

 

Usually I hear women complain about guys not wanting to be friends with them...but when a guy actually DOES, it still doesn't work out well for HER.

 

I mean, telling me not to be in her vicinity for too long at a party because some people think we're a couple? LOL

[Bejita463]

How did that blow up in HER face? She played you like a sucker, after outright telling you that you had no chance. I'm confused.

[b52s]

How did that blow up in HER face? She played you like a sucker, after outright telling you that you had no chance. I'm confused.

 

The part where she wanted to be friends, then decided to set up conditions when which I can hang around her in public.

 

Apparently, that nullified the friendship in her mind.

 

"Sure you can be my friend, just don't hang around me in public"

 

I said "You call that a friendship?"

 

I was just trying to play it out though, to see how it would go. Just to prove the FZ point.

[CaliGuy]

Read the ladder theory so that you understand what the problem is with men who have romantic interests in women and try the "friend" approach.

 

Never a good thing. It's ok to be friends with women, just not women you are romantically interested in.

[boogieboy]

That didnt blow up in her face, that just made you look sillier. She called and you showed up every time.

[Art_Critic]

She called and you showed up every time.

 

..... that is true...

[bayouboi]

Requesting a mod re-title this thread "How posting a thread can backfire" please.

[torranceshipman]

I don;t get it....she told you she wanted to be friends only, made that clear, you acted like you were fine with that, so she hung out with you as friends...even checking along the way that you weren;t getting the wrong impression.

 

How was she to know you were only pretending to be friends to get with her, and didnt actually want to be friends at all? And why on earth would you think she was on the fence about you when she'd made it so blatantly clear time after time that she only wanted friendship?

[Taramere]

The part where she wanted to be friends, then decided to set up conditions when which I can hang around her in public.

 

Apparently, that nullified the friendship in her mind.

 

"Sure you can be my friend, just don't hang around me in public"

 

I said "You call that a friendship?"

 

I was just trying to play it out though, to see how it would go. Just to prove the FZ point.

 

So you're triumphantly announcing to all that your cunning strategy to remain in "the friendzone" worked?

 

If this thread could be incorporated into some sort of animation, it would be something along

. Odd and pointless.

[D-Jam]

Here's how I see it "blew up in her face" (but barely much):

 

She made friends with a guy, but realized that if she wants a guy friend that she has to run the risk of people thinking she's dating him. Thus now she is torn between begging for b52s' attention to feed her self-worth and yet possibly repelling guys she might really want because they'll think he's her BF...or not being friends and thus being alone and feeling lower self-esteem.

 

What b52s did right:

He took it easy initially and tested the waters.

 

Many men would take the "we're going out as friends only" comment as an instant decision to tell her the "getting together" is off and that he's seeking a girlfriend, not a friend only. I think going out with her once and testing the waters was fine, because many women will tie things up in "seeing him", "talking to him", etc...until they make up their minds to actually date the guy (and no BBDs come along).

 

He also did the right thing in cutting ties when she tried to brush him off at that event. Singles event or not, she showed just how little she cares for b52s as a friend or a person, but sees him as a means to an end.

 

What b52s did wrong:

He believed she would come around because she was chasing him as a pseudo-boyfriend.

 

So he went out and acted like it was "just friends" when he still wanted to date her. In my opinion he should have either kept contact cut or distant, or closed the book on her and not even fathomed the idea that she would want him one day.

 

The comment about her friends getting the wrong impression should have enforced that he had no shot in her mind. Women who are on the fence won't say things like that, they'll instead keep seeing the guy a few more times to see of sparks/chemistry happen.

 

If a female friend told me that, I'd ask the question he asked about why it should matter what the friend thinks, but I'd also say something stern like "besides, I'm not really into you like that". Some women will be relieved, but some will be insecure and wonder why he's not into her like that. I'd even go to the point of chatting about a girl I met, thus further lowering her self-esteem to a point of thinking that maybe I am "worth something" because other women are talking to me.

 

On a strong-minded confident woman, this will never work, but on insecure types like this one who seek out a pseudo-boyfriend, it can work.

 

The biggest mistake b52s made is going over to watch that movie. If she's flirtatiously begging on the phone, but you know she's not into you, then it means she feels lonely and wants to pretend in her mind that b52s is whatever guy she really wants...to feel desired and valued because b52s wants her...so she can build up her self-esteem to go after the guys she really wants.

 

Guaranteed that if she met some guy she really wanted, b52s would never hear a peep out of her until she hits a problem and wants to complain about the guy.

 

Lesson to Learn:

Show the girl the ship has sailed and you won't be her temporary guy for now. Be her friend if you want, but show that you won't be her pseudo-boyfriend or cuddle-buddy. Let her know if she wants that level of social and emotional intimacy that she can date you and call it a date.

 

Take her words about you as law. She says it's just friends, then friendzone her and don't let her use you halfway as a male companion while she looks for a boyfriend.

 

Same goes for you women...only beware that men will also seek sex out of you on top of it all.

Edited January 13, 2010 by D-Jam

[CaliGuy]

Good post, D-JAM and I agree completely. Another reason added to the many reasons of why you can't be friends with women you are romantically interested in.

 

Check yourself and make sure you're both on the same page and if she isn't interested in pursuing something and you are, break ties and move on. No sense wasting your time with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.

[O'Malley]

Requesting a mod re-title this thread "How posting a thread can backfire" please.

 

You deliberately befriended a woman under false pretenses, who then used you for an ego boost (and made no bones about it) and, knowing this, you came back for more. More like a mexican standoff than anyone getting owned.

[sagetalk]

What is so different about this story? That is exactly what happens when you get put in the friends zone. Don't do that again unless you don't want to date her.

[D-Jam]

Good post, D-JAM and I agree completely. Another reason added to the many reasons of why you can't be friends with women you are romantically interested in.

 

Check yourself and make sure you're both on the same page and if she isn't interested in pursuing something and you are, break ties and move on. No sense wasting your time with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you.

Believe me, those women who can be 100% honest with you about where things stand are the ones you want as friends. It's the ones who will vanish on you, blow you off, and then keep you on the back burner for male companionship that you want to get away from.

 

I have female friends who started off as women I was attracted to...but they were honest with me about where I stood. I respected them for it, friendzoned them, and kept it that way. Yeah most of them ended up running out to chase douchebags and jerks, but they still cared about me as their friend...even advising me on women when it seemed I was doing it all wrong.

 

This woman b52s described could be a good friend, but he needs to learn to let it go in the dating sense, and keep a leash on things so she can't use him as a temporary guy until she finds the one she wants to call "boyfriend". That means he doesn't tolerate being brushed off at a singles function (but he will back off if a guy approaches her), and he won't run over to her house when he doesn't feel like it. It means he will listen when she's in need of a pal, but he won't become her constant crying blanket for every jerk she might go out and pursue.

 

And as I've stated before...the real test is if she has single/available friends. If she suddenly keeps him from meeting them, making excuses that they would not be into him, or she's fixing up all her single female friends with other guys but never b52s, then it shows she's not much of a friend. I'm not saying she must fix him up, but she should introduce and let b52s attempt and succeed or fail with said friend.

 

Lord knows I did try to introduce my single female friends to single guys from my work, but unfortunately their tastes for guido/douchebag/cocky yuppie kinds of guys made them reject my coworkers. Still, I feel I was a good friend to both for trying.

[CaliGuy]

Lord knows I did try to introduce my single female friends to single guys from my work, but unfortunately their tastes for guido/douchebag/cocky yuppie kinds of guys made them reject my coworkers. Still, I feel I was a good friend to both for trying.

 

Hmmm do you live in California too?

[D-Jam]

No.

 

I just notice that most of my female friends are still stuck on trying to find someone like the guys who only want to sleep with them...but perhaps in the form of someone who wants a RL.

 

Even seeing some of them now venture after older guys in the hopes they would "grow up and want to commit".

 

It's pathetic in my eyes, and I understand they need to be attracted to the guy, but I also think if they find that all the guys they're attracted to never turn out to be good boyfriends...then perhaps they need to rethink their attraction standards...rather than hope for that one "different guy" who comes packaged as the rest.

 

It would be like me holding out for a girl who looks like "hot model/club chick", but yet has a college degree, career, brain, heart of gold, and yet wants a more average Joe. Better to pick one or two physical characteristics that are most important and leave the rest as "optional", then fill up the rest of the "must have" list with important personality characteristics.

[phineas]

How old are you D-Jam?

I'm 38 & the women I know my age are very attractive & the last few guys they were with were big time loosers.

 

And their in denial over it also.

 

How many times have you heard, it was an awsome relationhip except:

He was addicted to porn or he was so controlling or some other red flag that makes you go "huh?"

 

I honestly can't see how you can have a healthy relationship with an addict or control freak.

 

I just don't get it myself.

[D-Jam]

How old are you D-Jam?

I'm 38 & the women I know my age are very attractive & the last few guys they were with were big time loosers.

 

And their in denial over it also.

 

How many times have you heard, it was an awsome relationhip except:

He was addicted to porn or he was so controlling or some other red flag that makes you go "huh?"

 

I honestly can't see how you can have a healthy relationship with an addict or control freak.

 

I just don't get it myself.

 

I'm 36.

 

You need to bear in mind that some men and women won't let go of the lust for a trophy no matter how old they get. It's even why we see guys chasing after MILFs, younger women, etc. They're still out seeking a hot woman who wants lots of sex. Women are no better, especially now with the whole cougar craze. They still want a hot guy more than anything, and are willing to seek younger to get it.

 

Some men and women just never "get it". These are the ones who hit 30, 40, 50, etc...and still drift from one bad RL to the next.

 

You should just wash your hands of them. 30 is no magic number where hot women stop chasing emotionally unavailable men and suddenly marry nice guys.

 

I've also learned to spot those who are so hard-up to have a "hot/exciting" mate that they will take on one bad person after the next. You need to spot them and then distance yourself from them. Don't sit there rolling your eyes wondering why you might be single while this person keeps chasing bad people. Just write them off...see them as unattractive as what you define as "ugly".

[OndaChin]

Sadly, this woman had her way in dictating the terms of this friendship.

 

I agree with not being friends with women you are attracted to. It never works out good in the end.

 

Next time just say no... to "the Friend Zone".

Edited January 15, 2010 by OndaChin