New-comer to LS, Feeling Trapped

[Tymme]

I'm new to this community. I'm not much for online forums, but I don't really know where else to get input. I'm sorry for the length of this post, but can't really condense it any more than I have already without leaving out anymore than I already have.

 

I'm 27, have been married 5 years, and have 3 wonderful children. And I feel trapped.

 

I caught my wife in the midst of a month-long physical affair this time last year. We went through marriage counseling for a bit because we both wanted to give our marriage another shot for the kids. (We wouldn't stay together for the kids, but would give it another shot for them.) It was a very painful process waiting for her to get rid of this other guy. A few months later she started spending a lot of time with another guy who would take her out, buy food for her, etc. They were always out with other people, but it still made me very uncomfortable, which I told her numerous times. She kept insisting that nothing was going on between them, until one night he kissed her. I only found out by reading her email. (I'm sorry if you think it's unethical to spy on your spouse, but when I try numerous times to get her to talk to me with no luck, I will do what I must to preserve my marriage and sanity.) Apparently she pushed him away, but I still feel she should have not put herself in this position. And she was making plans to see him the next day when I intercepted their communications. Many heated arguments later she finally removed him from her life. Shortly after that, she started making plans to spend some time with a former partner of hers from college who was going to be in town, always saying that nothing would happen. I put my foot down on that one, and to my knowledge, they never got together.

 

This takes us to summer of last year and since then, things had been proceeding without incident. Over the course of the past few months she started keeping in touch with a friend of mine. (more of a friend of a friend that I saw a couple times a year) I told her at the start that he has a wife and children and that she had better not screw up his life like she had ours. They are callous words--I have become a rather callous husband when it comes to preventing any more affairs. The past few weeks I have been asking her to put some space between the two of them, with no real response on her part. A week ago I ran a key-logging program on the computer to see what was going on while I was at work. (I work 6pm-6am.) I read a rather disheartening conversation about how they were perfect for each other, how I was a horrible husband, and she asked him why he wasn't here right now. Well he did show up at my house. As far as I can tell, at the last possible minute, with him on my front porch, she sent him away and told him to go back and work on things with his wife.

 

Every time, with every guy, I have to fight her tooth and nail to try to get her to sever all ties with the guy. I feel so beaten down. I am at such a loss. I have pretty much forsaken my faith, which I once held so dear to myself. I would not want this for my children, but find myself here now, with nowhere to go. I have no college education to speak of, so have no real job opportunities. If I had a day-shift job, I would leave in a heartbeat. But the way it is now, I have no way to provide for my children should I leave her, other than financially which would force me to move back in with my parents and send a depressing cut of my paycheck to my wife so that she could take care of our kids.

 

I write this part last so that it is the last thing you read and is not thrown in as an aside. I know I am not a perfect person. Upon finding out of the first affair, I got together once with an ex of mine. It was a one time thing, and at that point my wife and I had pretty much resolved to get divorced. I have been rather callous the past year. I show little sympathy when things come up pertaining to any of this that she has to deal with. The events leading up to the initial affair are the fault of both of us, the handling of it, however, I will give her all the blame. And now she is fully aware of how I have been able to track her each time and I how to avoid it. She refuses to be honest with me when we speak. And this key-logging program was how I was able to detect each problem and was my peace of mind when things were going well. Now that she knows about it and how it works, I have no way to catch her or give myself any peace of mind.

 

I need input, advice, anything.

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds as if you love her, but don't like her. And the love is dying, too.

I suggest you divorce but carry on living together, or at least as close as possible to take care of the kids, until they're old enough to fend for themselves.

In the meantime, agree to live separate lives.

 

It can be done.

I've seen it done, and it's worked.

You just have to put yourselves in a mind-frame of acceptance, that this isn't working.

 

Either that or go back to counselling, put your cards on the table, and speak honestly about what you want to do. Both of you,.

In a safe environment.

And thrash something out.

because you're both in stalemate, and something's got to give.

It shouldn't get to her leaving with the kids, and you coming home one morning and finding the place empty.

The way things are going, it's the way things will go.

Unless you do something.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well it sounds like your wife is way out of control...and really isn't taking you or your children into consideration with any of her actions! Honestly I would most likely suggest you do live with your parents..and brush up on some college courses and take life from there. She really has no respect for you whatsoever!

The fact that you too are married..and you have to more or less control her relations with other men..that is ludicrous! You must go insane living with that woman! There is far better woman in this world..who would appreciate you! Believe me. You are still very young..and have your whole life ahead of you..and I know you have children..so its your time to make the best possible life for you and your kids future. I don't think you'll be having much of a future with someone like her! She's got an addictive personality and if it isn't having affairs with men (married ones to boot) it will be something else.

Save yourself the heartache...open up to your parents and ask them for advise! Thats your best bet at this point!

[Tymme]

Thank you for the responses. It is nice to know that I am not just an over-bearing husband. I reread what I wrote, and I feared that is how I would come off. PortuguesePrincess80, what you said to me is pretty much what I have been saying to her the whole time.

 

TaraMaiden, you are pretty much right. I do love her. And aside from the few nit-picky things that every married person puts up with (my wife included), we are perfect for each other. I just can't trust her with other men. Even when we are arguing and she starts to cry, it is hard to not comfort her. I would be interested in any more information you would be willing to offer up about divorced people living together. I had considered it, but have no idea how to accomplish it. As mentioned before, we tried counseling, and it worked well enough. But she hates counseling and I nearly have to drag her there. I don't know if she would be willing to go again. I don't even know if I care to try anymore. I just feel so trapped and emotionally exhausted that I just go along with whatever at this point.

 

She's a good mom, a good friend, and a good lover. But when I'm away, I just can't trust her.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I'm going to say to you, what I would say to any woman concerned she lives with a cheater.

 

You either change your behaviour, or accept that this is hers, and live with it.

 

Desire is a natural instinct.

Fidelity is a choice.

 

I truly don't actually believe that we, as human beings, are actually wired, or designed to be faithful.

We're conditioned and programmed, by society, social values, ethics, morals and religious influence - to commit to one Significant Other.

 

But if that's what you decide to do - and if that's what you promise to do - then that's your obligation, and what you SHOULD do.

If you can't keep the promise - then don't make it. it's really that simple.

 

Sooo...You appear to be enmeshed with somebody who made you that promise, but seems to not be able to keep it....

So, ask her...

Did she make it knowing she couldn't keep it?

If not (and I'm almost certain she will say "of course not!") then ask her -

"So what changed?

What made you decide you could no longer (or no longer wanted to) keep that promise?"

 

That should cause a discussion of sorts....

 

But ultimately, the bottom line is that it's your decision, because if she won't change her behaviour, then you have to change yours.

It's either 'Go' or 'Stay'.

But if you stay, for the most part, it will be you that has to adapt, and accept that, if you divorce - she's a free agent.

And you have to develop the maturity to witness this, accept it and not care.

You have to detach and view yourselves as housemates, who just happen to have kids together.

That doesn't mean there are no ground rules.

 

But you should think about this option as a last resort, rather than a fait accompli.

 

Approach her about counselling again, but impress upon her the following:

Counselling is not there to keep you guys together.

No, it's not.

Counselling is there to provide you both with a safe environment in which to express yourselves freely, but calmly, and rationally. It provides a level playing-field for you both to meet in the middle - with an experienced arbiter - and truly state how things stand with you.

If that means separation, then that's what happens. but at least you come to this decision with your eyes open, and with a greater understanding of what happened and possibly, why.

 

Communication is the key here. Communication and openness. You owe at least that to each other, even if it brings you to separate conclusions.

[tnttim]

I don't where to start so I'm gonna just fire off. First, you have set up these boundries for your wife and your surprised she crosses them. You shouldn't have to tell her not to cheat, you should make her not want to cheat. Which brings me to my next point. You have been callious, your telling her what to do, and you don't trust. Then you question why she cheats on you. I'm not blaming you completely, she has control of her legs. But who would want to be in a relationship with you. You can't control her, but yet you try and try, and fail and fail. If you do this in your next relationship do you think it will last? I know you'll say but it's with someone new. But your the common denominator in this, and it will continue unless you can change.

[lkjh]

I don't where to start so I'm gonna just fire off. First, you have set up these boundries for your wife and your surprised she crosses them. You shouldn't have to tell her not to cheat, you should make her not want to cheat. Which brings me to my next point. You have been callious, your telling her what to do, and you don't trust. Then you question why she cheats on you. I'm not blaming you completely, she has control of her legs. But who would want to be in a relationship with you. You can't control her, but yet you try and try, and fail and fail. If you do this in your next relationship do you think it will last? I know you'll say but it's with someone new. But your the common denominator in this, and it will continue unless you can change.

 

Award for dumbest and most selfish advice goes to......... the genius above.

 

Telling your wife not to bang your married friend because he has children and wife is not trying to control her, and neither is expecting her keep up her vows. Seriously think before you type because your post spells out selfish ignorant single middle aged woman

 

The post above is why men don't want to get married anymore

[tnttim]

Award for dumbest and most selfish advice goes to......... the genius above.

 

Telling your wife not to bang your married friend because he has children and wife is not trying to control her, and neither is expecting her keep up her vows. Seriously think before you type because your post spells out selfish ignorant single middle aged woman

 

The post above is why men don't want to get married anymore

Wow I'm far from a single minded middle aged woman, read my thread.

Your not supposed to cheat, you shouldn't have to be told that. My point was, telling them not to cheat and showing them not to cheat are 2 different things. If he went NC, pushed a divorce, and truly separated from his wife it would have been more effective than saying don't cheat. The big picture was, she could cheat and he would be there waiting. If he left, she would have had to make a real choice, the M or the OM. Hey lkjh have you ever looked in the mirror and pointed at the cause and solution to all of your problems, I did, and I'm happy I did.

[tnttim]

Tymme, your feeling trapped because you have built up a fortress around your feelings. Your wives actions have put you on the defensive, to the point that offensively you try to prevent it further. Now that she's checked out emotionally, it's just you in that prison you built. Your feelings are very normal, we all have had them. You need to work on yourself now, you are the only one that can change you. Whether you want a recon or divorce, you need to help you first. I focused on being a better father to my kids at first. I read some parenting books, stopped drinking at home, and learned how to cook. I figured that if i was on my own I needed to step up my fathering skills. It helped occupy my time as well, so I wouldn't think about cheating wife. I also went out with my friends to the bar at least once a week, something I never did before. I read dating books, and tried to test out my rusty pick up skills too. I was amazed and releived to find women so receptive, all of a sudden my wife tumbled off that pedistal I built for her. I saw through her BS and said time to move on. I'm presently reconciling with my wife, and am very happy to be doing it.

[TaraMaiden]

Award for dumbest and most selfish advice goes to......... the genius above.

 

Telling your wife not to bang your married friend because he has children and wife is not trying to control her, and neither is expecting her keep up her vows. Seriously think before you type because your post spells out selfish ignorant single middle aged woman

 

The post above is why men don't want to get married anymore

 

The poster is a man, in his 30's...but as for the rest of it, I'm in agreement with you.

The husband isn't at fault here, although each member of the relationship has to own the responsibility they carry for the upkeep, maintenance, commitment and effort they make for said relationship....

And I reiterate my comment. Desire is a natural instinct. Being faithful and committed to one person, is a choice.

If a person decides to be unfaithful in a marriage, you have to wonder why they're suffering from amnesia and forgot the vow they made during the wedding.

The simple fact is, if you sincerely do not know whether you really can keep your vows - don't make 'em.

[lkjh]

Wow I'm far from a single minded middle aged woman, read my thread.

Your not supposed to cheat, you shouldn't have to be told that. My point was, telling them not to cheat and showing them not to cheat are 2 different things. If he went NC, pushed a divorce, and truly separated from his wife it would have been more effective than saying don't cheat. The big picture was, she could cheat and he would be there waiting. If he left, she would have had to make a real choice, the M or the OM. Hey lkjh have you ever looked in the mirror and pointed at the cause and solution to all of your problems, I did, and I'm happy I did.

 

 

If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and looks like a duck Im gonna call it a duck

 

You completely put the fault on him and made it seem like he was in the wrong by asking his wife not to hook up with his married friend.

 

 

Tara,

thanks for seeing the big picture and not blaming this guy for his wifes characters flaws.

[seibert253]

Do you want to spend the rest of your good years having to watch and babysit your wife?

 

Please, you deserve better.

 

You've set boundries yet she continues to inch up to the line and cross them.

 

She's disrespecting you, your marriage, and your children.

 

She cares about nothing but herself.

 

There's only two choices here:

1. Continue to live the way you are

2. Throw her azz out and file for D.

 

I vote for #2

[TaraMaiden]

Tymme, your feeling trapped because you have built up a fortress around your feelings. Your wives actions have put you on the defensive, to the point that offensively you try to prevent it further. Now that she's checked out emotionally, it's just you in that prison you built. Your feelings are very normal, we all have had them. You need to work on yourself now, you are the only one that can change you. Whether you want a recon or divorce, you need to help you first. I focused on being a better father to my kids at first. I read some parenting books, stopped drinking at home, and learned how to cook. I figured that if i was on my own I needed to step up my fathering skills. It helped occupy my time as well, so I wouldn't think about cheating wife. I also went out with my friends to the bar at least once a week, something I never did before. I read dating books, and tried to test out my rusty pick up skills too. I was amazed and releived to find women so receptive, all of a sudden my wife tumbled off that pedistal I built for her. I saw through her BS and said time to move on. I'm presently reconciling with my wife, and am very happy to be doing it.

 

tnttm... he's not you.

I'm not you.

Your wife's not you.

In fact - even you're not you.

because the 'you' you were before, is completely different, it seems, to the 'you' you are today.

And 'you' are still evolving and always will do.

And so is everyone else, because we're never the same 'you' twice.

 

So you have undergone a seismic change to evolve into a different persona.

but it doesn't mean he has to.

Because he could have been the 'you' you are now, before she dished that crap up for him.

But you have to lay all that aside, because, no matter what a person is like, it gives nobody the excuse to go cheating on them.

You could have been an out-and-out cold calculating barsteward, with an egotistic, selfish and hard-hearted attitude - it still gave your wife no right to cheat on you.

 

You're missing the point.

Freedom of Choice, coupled with the responsibility of keeping your word, and doing the honourable thing.

Lay aside what he's like. Lay aside what you're like.

You both have wives who decided to turn you into cuckolds.

 

That is what you share.

In all other matters, you're worlds apart, and what's 'good' for you, can never be good for anyone else.

it might be a game-plan, and suggestion and an example, but it can't ever be the master plan, or written in stone.

So by all means, make suggestions, but don't for one instant think that what has worked to your advantage, can ever be guaranteed to work for anyone else in the same way.

because nobody's you.

 

Not even you.

[Tymme]

Thanks again for the responses. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And if somebody wants to give me some of the blame, then that is theirs to give if I ask it of them. I am interested in all viewpoints, and though I may not entirely agree with any particular one of them, they all give me much to consider.

 

Thanks for the defense lkjh, but after all I've been through, it's gonna be pretty hard for anybody I don't know to cut me down, especially when my wife has done so much already. If anything, tnttim is offering a possible perspective that my wife may have on the issue, which is a valuable thing to have.

[tnttim]

Tara he wants everyones perspective. That's part of why people come here. They want to hear what worked for others so they can have options for their own life. By your logic why should anyone post then. Of course I'm not the same person I was. Isn't that the point of coming here, you want change and clarity. My post says specificly this is what I did. I didn't command him to do it. Yes we are all different but we are also the same too.

[floridapad]

Tymme, your feeling trapped because you have built up a fortress around your feelings. Your wives actions have put you on the defensive, to the point that offensively you try to prevent it further. Now that she's checked out emotionally, it's just you in that prison you built. Your feelings are very normal, we all have had them. You need to work on yourself now, you are the only one that can change you. Whether you want a recon or divorce, you need to help you first. I focused on being a better father to my kids at first. I read some parenting books, stopped drinking at home, and learned how to cook. I figured that if i was on my own I needed to step up my fathering skills. It helped occupy my time as well, so I wouldn't think about cheating wife. I also went out with my friends to the bar at least once a week, something I never did before. I read dating books, and tried to test out my rusty pick up skills too. I was amazed and releived to find women so receptive, all of a sudden my wife tumbled off that pedistal I built for her. I saw through her BS and said time to move on. I'm presently reconciling with my wife, and am very happy to be doing it.

 

Solid insight all day long.

 

Tymme

 

Keep your mind preoccupied with moving forward and learning to better yourself and you will be a better, happier, more self confident person. As far as the marriage goes, you say you are exhausted and can't try anymore. Stop trying then. Sometimes when you try to fix something that ain't fixable (right now) it is horribly exhausting. As everyone here so rightly says, in times like these, the only person you can control is yourself.

[tnttim]

Do this ^ it takes 2 to fix the marriage