MississippiMama Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 It seems that everyone here is young enough to have an excuse to be so screwed up over a break up. I'm at the age that I figured I would have all of this relationship BS pretty well dialed in. I was married for 18 years, raised 3 great kids, divorced on good enough terms to be able to co-parent...stay friends...move on without crippling bitterness. We were just too young when we married and became parents and grew up...grew apart. It happens. I got a better job, bought a house and concentrated on making a stable, happy life for myself and my children. Then I fell in love. For the last 10 years I have been with the man that I believed was my soul mate. I just adored him. He lives 250 miles away, which sounds stupid, but it worked for a long time. I have time off in the summer, I'm a teacher and he works for his brother, a metal sculptor, and has time off in the winter. Every couple of weeks we would visit each other, in my world or his, and it was like this glorious extended honeymoon. 6 years ago he asked me to marry him; bought me a ring and everything. We couldn't decide on where to live at that time. I still had teenagers at home and couldn't move and he didn't want to live with me. I understood and supported that decision. It's hard to move into a household with kids that age. 5 years ago we bought a piece of property where he lives. I wanted a tangible partnership; something that we both owned; a starting point to our future life together. I refinanced my house for the money to invest in the property with him. (stupid, stupid) It all took longer than anticipated. My kids are brilliant (of course) and there was college to pay for. I needed the job and the health insurance for all of us. I have no regrets as far as my commitment to my kids goes, in fact I am very proud of my role in launching them into the successful adults that they have all become. But my relationship with Tim became strained during that time. A year ago I was laid off of my job. (I have since been re-hired.) The bottom fell out of the real estate market so the equity that I had in the house just disappeared. I've been working for the after school program in addition to my full-time gig; 50+hours a week, just to pay the bills. Even though I've been thin all of my life, I was diagnosed with diabetes, also a year ago. I had gestational diabetes during 2 of my pregnancies, a strong indicator for the future, and although I've been very careful with diet and exercise my whole life, it just was in my cards, I guess. Tim and I started talking about finding a house to rent where he lives, renting my house out to wait for that "economic upswing" that we keep hearing about to regain some lost equity and finally starting our life together. It was all very appealing to me. I had it all planned out. I could take an early retirement, get a part time job and slow down a bit. It took me awhile to realize that it was MY plan and that he had very little interest in the whole idea. The "big reveal" came about 6 months ago when, on one of his visits, I was trying to nail down a real plan. "Let's get married before I retire." says I. "That way I can add you to my insurance." Long story short, he had no plan to marry me. He wasn't all that interested in moving in with me and the "long distance thing" wasn't the worst thing in the world; was far better than marrying for the "wrong reasons." He didn't completely rule marriage out, he thought that "in time" it could happen, but wanted for it to just "happen naturally" at the right time. (we've been "engaged" for 6 years) I told him that I couldn't take such a big step with him if he wasn't willing to take any step in my direction, if he was unsure of me, of us after all these years. He said that he loves me but bla-bla-bla divorce statistics, bla-bla-bla social trends against the "instution," and I let it go. "I guess we have no plan, no future, no present unless it's more of the same and I need a plan B about now." We broke up. 2 weeks later he called me, left a voice mail, that he had date. Claimed that he was just desperate and asked this lady (18 years younger than me) and she said yes and he was just torn up about it but he just had to DO something. I was devastated, but dealt with it. A month later he called, he was about 20 miles away and asked if he could stop by for a visit. He had just been to his high school reunion and was feeling disoriented. He realized that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, the only stable relationship that he had ever been in and had been feeling lost without me. I was his home...not a place...it was me. We had a wonderful weekend. Game on! Everything was going to be fine. There was no discussion of my moving, or marriage. I thought that it had to come from him and it didn't. I did share some health concerns that I was having at the time. The oral diabetic medications weren't working for me. I had an appointment with my doctor in a week and I was worried that I would have to start injecting insulin. (I do now) But he went off on Monday morning with both of us feeling pretty hopeful. Even though we talked every day during the next week, he forgot about my "big day at the doctor." He didn't even answer the phone that day or respond to my voice mails to call him. I was pretty upset. The next day when he called with a "what's up?" I just unloaded. We argued. He emailed me that he couldn't "bicker" with me any more, it was destructive to both of us and he wouldn't be calling me in the immediate future. I didn't hear from him for a month. When he did finally "surface," via email, it was just trivia; the weather where he lives; hope I'm doing fine; Love, Tim. I wrote an epic in return; not quite as long as this post, but quite the manifesto, full of emotion and disappointment and shattered dreams. He didn't answer. NOW he emails every 3 or 4 days; nothing personal other than to ask about how the dog is doing and hopes I am fine. I answer direct questions but would like to cut it out completely. I know that he wants to keep some kind of contact with me, but every time I see an email from him my heart jumps and then there is nothing there and I feel depressed all over. We still have business to settle, so I can't cut out all communication, but I just want for him to leave it alone for awhile until I can catch up with that emotional detachment that he seems to have mastered. I've been on 2 dates, but just am not into starting over. I still love him. What an idiot! I've really liked reading all of your posts and wonder if there is anyone out there with words of wisdom for someone old enough to know better.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Ok. I'm afraid you have to toughen up with this guy. He basically had you there because you were convenient. You're his soft place to fall. he's being selfish and keeping you burbling. If he didn't want to 'bicker' with you and couldn't do this - then he would have just cut off and disappeared for ever. But he didn't. he lets the dust settle, then comes back and gives you more crap....But he's keeping you at arm's length. Because he can.... Time to cut off his supply of ego-stroking... Block his e-mail, don't accept anything from him. Delete him from your life and move on. Everything comes to a shattering halt, and crushes your heart every time you get contact from him. So don't respond! Read the caliguy link in my signature. memorise it, engrave it on your heart and live by it. Go to it hun - the sooner you do this, the sooner putting one foot infront of the other will gradually become easier.
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