marichui Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hey everyone, I just joined the forum because I need help desperately. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. The last 2 have been long distance. Since week 1, he made it very clear that he liked me a lot and within the first few weeks he admitted he loved me and wanted to marry me. I always thought it was boy talk to get me to bed so I used to always tell him off and play it as if he didnt mean it. At the beginning I always thought we would only last for a little while but it got serious really fast. I have very low self-confidence so I thought that all the nice things he did for me and all the love he used to express were priceless and I taught myself to love him. The first year went by like that, he loved me more than anything in the world and I liked being and feeling loved like that, we used to do all sort of fun stuff together and he would do anything I asked him for and listen to anything I had to say, sex was also fun because it was new to me and he was great and caring. After we started the long distance, I think I have noticed even more how I don't love him and it doesnt help that I am going through very hard time at the moment and feeling depressed about life in general, he has been extremely supporting and he wants me to get better even though I am being a complete b**** to him, I honestly treat him like a servant or something and he is always there, it doesnt matter, he still loves me. My question is: do I stay with someone that loves me more than himself? Who makes me feel like I am an amazing person and comfortable? Or do I break-up and try to find someone that makes me feel the way I make him feel? I know this question gets asked a lot in the forums and most times the answer is to break up but I often think I am a very realistic person and even though I dont feel madly in-love with him, he makes me happy, he makes me comfortable, I can be myself around him in a way that I can't be with anyone else. Should I give that up in the hopes of finding another person? Would I rather grow old with someone that will treat me like a queen than with someone that I don't even know? Please Please Please Any advice would GREATLY appreciated it. I can't stop thinking about what to do.
HLP234 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Thats a tough situation. I can relate because my ex is now with her best friend, and she would tell me the same thing, that he makes her laugh and happy all that. I did the same exact things for her, treated her like a queen and she always told me I made her feel amazing..long story short she left me for him without telling me anything. If you don't love him, but you like the way he treats you, you should really think about this. You can't be with someone you don't love. I don't want to tell you to break up with the guy, but I also do not suggest going on a "break" they never worked and its what ruined it for us..because she suggested that then just left. I would tell him how you feel, but before you do that, you have to know what you want. Do you want to be with this guy for a while or do you think that after a while things will die down? If you don't love him now, and you wait longer, it could hurt more later down the road. My ex was the same, always self conscious so I had to do whatever I could to make her feel better, and I always did. But she let these problems get in between what me and her had. If you really can't put up with the long distance and are in a depressed mood already, I would tell him the truth and be honest. At least then you don't leave him wondering what happened..believe me that will hurt him. I always think telling them the exact reasons, even if it ends bad is 100% better than sugar coating things or trying to let someone down easy because it never works the way you plan it.
mem11363 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 The only way you are ever going to really love this guy is if he is willing to stand up to you. And you need to tell him that. Otherwise the chance of this working is ZERO because you won't be able to love him long term if you don't respect him. So tell him to "man up" and then see what happens. But you have to coach him - tell him to buy a book on being assertive. If you do NOT teach him this you are 100 percent doomed. If he can't learn it that is his problem - but give it a try. And be fair. Tell him when he does it right even if that means you don't get your way or you have to apologize. Hey everyone, I just joined the forum because I need help desperately. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. The last 2 have been long distance. Since week 1, he made it very clear that he liked me a lot and within the first few weeks he admitted he loved me and wanted to marry me. I always thought it was boy talk to get me to bed so I used to always tell him off and play it as if he didnt mean it. At the beginning I always thought we would only last for a little while but it got serious really fast. I have very low self-confidence so I thought that all the nice things he did for me and all the love he used to express were priceless and I taught myself to love him. The first year went by like that, he loved me more than anything in the world and I liked being and feeling loved like that, we used to do all sort of fun stuff together and he would do anything I asked him for and listen to anything I had to say, sex was also fun because it was new to me and he was great and caring. After we started the long distance, I think I have noticed even more how I don't love him and it doesnt help that I am going through very hard time at the moment and feeling depressed about life in general, he has been extremely supporting and he wants me to get better even though I am being a complete b**** to him, I honestly treat him like a servant or something and he is always there, it doesnt matter, he still loves me. My question is: do I stay with someone that loves me more than himself? Who makes me feel like I am an amazing person and comfortable? Or do I break-up and try to find someone that makes me feel the way I make him feel? I know this question gets asked a lot in the forums and most times the answer is to break up but I often think I am a very realistic person and even though I dont feel madly in-love with him, he makes me happy, he makes me comfortable, I can be myself around him in a way that I can't be with anyone else. Should I give that up in the hopes of finding another person? Would I rather grow old with someone that will treat me like a queen than with someone that I don't even know? Please Please Please Any advice would GREATLY appreciated it. I can't stop thinking about what to do.
Peter Attis Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Sister, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero! No, but seriously, it sounds like he's too good for you.
DenverBachelor Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Sister, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero! No, but seriously, it sounds like he's too good for you. It sounds like he is a passive-aggressive "nice guy" who seeks affirmation from everyone and anything in his life and she sounds like someone who has low self-esteem and is too hesitant to walk away from a relationship that she has no respect for because it is a comfort zone to her. The relationship is totally dysfunctional from what she described. That guy is never leaving her -- I wouldn't be surprised if he lost his virginity to her. He has no backbone at all. How do you love someone who doesn't even respect themselves? How can you love someone who doesn't tell you how it's going to be once in a while? There's no challenge, there's no passion -- the only thing keeping this relationship alive is his clingyness and her unwillingness to break from something "safe" because of her fear of being alone due to self-esteem issues.
sunrae Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I dated a guy like that back in college.. He loved me with all he had, I walked all over him... He's now a golf pro in Florida, and had I stayed with him, I would have had anything I ever wanted materially, a big house , nice clothes, nice car, But I would have been EMPTY inside, because I didnt love him the way I wanted to love someone.... It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because I knew I was breaking his heart to be selfish, but in the long run, he respected my decision, went on to have a great wife and beautiful little boy, we are really good friends now.
ann09 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Don't walk, RUN. Never marry someone because they love YOU and can give you a lot. Marry someone because you can't imagine another day without them in it. Marry someone because you want to wake up everyday with that person. Marry someone because just the mere thought of life without them makes you fall to your knees. Please don't stay with him because he's crazy in love with you and can provide a lot.
Author marichui Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you, you all make a very good point on that I should end this as soon as possible. It just really gets really complicated when I think about it for more than 2 minutes. He is an amazing human being, very self confident, very optimistic with great goals in life. I admit that I wouldn't be madly inlove with him in the future but I will still be happy knowing that I have someone that I can be myself around and that knows me better than anyone in this world. I have met many couples in my young life that deal with many issues with each other personalities. For god's sake, my parents fight almost everyday and they have been together for more than 30 years. I could hold on to the romantic idea that I'll meet prince charming one day but truth is that the odds of that are very slim. Even if I do meet someone I'm crazy in love with, what are the odds of him loving me the same way? What are the odds of him making me happy? secure? To not be with him at this moment , while I am going through such hard times, academically and personally, would break me in two. I know I am very selfish, i think I am the most selfish person I know but I am like this with everyone, not only him and maybe learning to be more giving would open a new window for both of us. Blaaa, i don't know what to do!! While I write this I convince myself of something but then I read your reviews and I agree with all of you...Why is life so challenging? Why do we make it so challenging? Btw: thanks for all the help, it really helps to get some feedback.
sunrae Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Marichui, Dont put so much pressure on yourself... If you are dealing with multiple issues, maybe deal with them one at a time.... Nobody said you have to make a decision about letting this guy go today, nor do you have to decide your future today... Have you sat down with him, and told him about the stress you are under? If he is such a great guy as you claim he is, he will understand... Tell him about the pressures at school ect.... When I broke up with my ex-fiancee, I was scared about what the future holds. Still a little worried about it today, but also very excited about finding my "prince charming", because I know he is out there waiting to find me too...
dazzle22 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You need to reference a thread " is my marriage a mistake" where those of us who married for comfort instead of love discuss how that turned out. Don't kid yourself into thinking your story would turn out any different...
GrayClouds Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 it doesnt help that I am going through very hard time at the moment and feeling depressed about life in general, First thing instead of thinking about your relationship you need to think about yourself. If your feeling depressed about life in general that is no time to make big decisions. It is time to work on you and your depression. What are you doing about it? Are you talking to professional, getting daily exercise, forcing your self to eat healthy and regularly? No matter what you do about your relationship likely it is not going to help with how you are feeling. Often people feel bad, only look to make a easy change in hopes to address the problem but create new ones. he has been extremely supporting and he wants me to get better even though I am being a complete b**** to him, I honestly treat him like a servant or something and he is always there, it doesnt matter, he still loves me. I suspect if you start treating him better you will feel better My question is: do I stay with someone that loves me more than himself? Who makes me feel like I am an amazing person and comfortable? Wrong question it should be "do I stay with someone that loves me more than myself?" This relationship may or may not be right for you but again the focus is own you. If some threats you well and in return you treat them poorly what you are saying your do not feel you desire that postive treatment. You disrespect them for respecting you. Why is that? This is were you need to put you time and efforts in. Would I rather grow old with someone that will treat me like a queen than with someone that I don't even know? Please Please Please Any advice would GREATLY appreciated it. I can't stop thinking about what to do. I suggest that you should not be in any relationship for a good long time until you done the work you need to do to understand the reasons for your feeling and behavior. Your likely going to let go a pretty good guy adn if you do not do the work suggested, your going to find a pretty bad guy to agree with you about your self. You have plenty of time to find love with someone else but right now you need to find love and knowledge about yourself. This is help you have the life you want. .
Author marichui Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 wow greyclouds, thank you for your advices. That is how I feel, like I should deal with my problems first, I started having problems about a year ago. That's when I first told him that I wasn't sure that I loved him, not because of him but because I was very young when we started and now I wasn't even sure of who I was or what I wanted. He completely understood, he was hurt and we cried together because it just felt horrible. I started working on myself after that, went to the school psychologist, I started demanding him to not stand up to my bulls*** and to call me out when he had to and everything seemed to get better, he said he wouldn't ever trust me blindly like he did at first but he still loves me like no one has ever loved me. Things got better, we spend a few weeks together before it was long distance and then everything just collapsed again. I had a very bad academic experience and got more depressed about life, about my future, I'm still the same way. I am not sure of what I want and I've talked to him about it, he still hanging with me. He has been very supportive trying to talk positively to me, trying to get me to enjoy life again but it has been 7 months since and he is getting tired. I completely understand him, I am getting tired of myself but he still loves me, he is exasperated and he wants me to make an effort for both us, he has made it very clear that it is up to me and I just don't know. I don't want to make the worst mistake of my life and let him go. I know I am being very selfish but what if breaking up with him just makes my depression worsen? Right now he is more than a safety blanket for me, he is the only one who knows that I am going through this. But what if I get better and I realize I don't love him, it would be so selfish of me to put him through this hell and then just say thank you and move on.....Help please, I'm still split, I am not ready to take such a risk....
sunrae Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 . I am not ready to take such a risk.... I think you just answered your own question... If youre not ready, youre not ready..
Angel1111 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I think if you break up with him, you'll regret it. I'm not sure what you feel is missing in your relationship with him, but it sounds like you have a really nice thing going where you can be yourself and you're treated really well. You know, usually even if a woman isn't that nuts about a man in the beginning, if he treats her really well, she usually falls in love with him. It's possible that you're just not aware of your feelings for him because he makes your life so easy. Please don't screw your life up by taking his kindness and goodness for granted. If you just can't resolve it and believe there's someone better for you out there, then I guess breaking up is the thing to do. But just realize that once you go down that road, things will never be the same between the two of you again.
cupidotheblogger Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Move away from assumptions about what you think your partner wants or even from what he is saying. Focus in on what you want most at this time. Set aside all of the reasons why you feel this isn't a good relationship and any factors that you believe might be standing in your way of getting out of the relationship. For the moment, get very clear about what your priority is. It might be more than one thing. This is essential for you is to know what is most important to you.
Author marichui Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 That's the issue though, I need/want him around because he is the one that I can call and breakdown with. Even though I am dealing with so many things right no one around me knows, except for him and my psychologist. I need him right now as a friend but he wants more, he says it is unfair to him for me to treat him so bad and expect him to just stay there receiving the punches. Specially because I look normal everyday and then when I'm with him I just let all of my frustration out. He is tired and sick of it, I can tell, and I am just afraid that it might be too late for me to fix it.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 It's probably not too late but, seriously, you need to stop this pattern of treating people badly in general. It's a very bad habit to get into. I'm concerned that you have low self-esteem because of something that had to do with the way you were raised, and your relationship with your father in particular. If that's the case, then honestly you probably have a convoluted idea of love and what you may think is love, is really abuse. I'm not saying that this guy is necessarily the one for you, but because of the way you lean on him and depend on him, and because there's a big part of you that wants him in your life, I'm thinking that you're possibly peeing on your own parade. Be very careful about what you do here because you could be headed down a very slippery slope. And even if you don't love him, there's no reason to be mean to him.
dazzle22 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 That's the issue though, I need/want him around because he is the one that I can call and breakdown with. Even though I am dealing with so many things right no one around me knows, except for him and my psychologist. I need him right now as a friend but he wants more, he says it is unfair to him for me to treat him so bad and expect him to just stay there receiving the punches. Specially because I look normal everyday and then when I'm with him I just let all of my frustration out. He is tired and sick of it, I can tell, and I am just afraid that it might be too late for me to fix it. My first husband did to me what you are doing to this man. Constantly using me as his therapist for problems and issues, looked normal to everyone else and constantly falling apart at home, not keeping a job comensurate with his education, being overwhelmed by life, expecting me to deal with his darkness and fill it.. Finally, this strangles love, and that person will throw in the towel....
Author marichui Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Yeah, you are both right. I have tried to be a better person, to him and people around me but it is never easy. The thing with me being mean is that I am not obvious about it, most people think that I am very nice and giving which I, sort of, am. I am always smiling and I'm very nice upfront. But inside my head there are always second thoughts, I am always trying to figure what people are all about and finding negative things about them without me wanting to! I tried to shut those thought down but they always come back. I know this is supposed to be tough but maybe it wouldnt be this hard if we weren't a LDR....I'm soo hopeless. Thanks for all your input.
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