emk1974 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago. Our relationship was really strong, then somethings came up about my past that almost ruined it, but we worked it out and decided to stay together. Things have been great in our lives, i know he loves me and i love him with all my heart. We both have been married before, but his ex wife left him after 8 years together and only 3 years of being married for no reason. He takes marriage and the belief of marriage forever seriously. about a year ago i asked him about us and marriage and he said he wasnt ready and didnt know if he would ever be, he just didnt feel ready, and its something he has to feel right about because when he is ready its a life long commitment. I understood that, but have a hard time understanding, that when he says he loves me and wants to always be with me, then why isnt he ready to marry me? We connect on every level, but he has an issue with the sex before marriage, and wants to take the physical part of that out of our relationship, because he feels like he isnt doing things the right way or the way God has planned it to be. He believes you should be married before you have that in a relationship. He thinks if we base our relationship the right way, then he will have a better understanding of when the right time is based on our healthy relationship rather then a unhealthy one. I just dont know how long i should waite till he is ready, i mean its been 2 years aleady. I want to do it the right way too, but how long do i waite to see when he is ready, or because i love him and he loves me and wants to do it right, do i just be patient and know it will work out the way its suppose to??????
tami-chan Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You love him, he loves you....and you are together, why do you feel you need to get married? BTW, how old are you?
Author emk1974 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Im 35 an he is 33, we live 20 min apart. i guess i beleive if we love each other then that woud be the next step.
phineas Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Im 35 an he is 33, we live 20 min apart. i guess i beleive if we love each other then that woud be the next step. do you want kids? Does he? If he allready does, does he want more?
Author emk1974 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I have 2 kids 14 and 11 and he doesnt want any, he loves mine and thas enough for him, he has been fixed.
A.G.Doren Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I don't think this man wants to marry you. Cause if loves you he would want to have sex with you, and therefore marry you. I would dump him...
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 How long has he been divorced? If my math is right, he waited 5 years before marrying his ex??? I think the failed marriage really affected him. I think it's better (for him) that he isn't rushing in to another marriage. He said he may never be ready, accept what he said. Since he doesn't want to marry and won't have sex outside of marriage, is he okay with never having sex again? Does he realize you have sexual needs? What does he expect you to do about that? It seems that will become an issue if it hasn't already. If you love him, give it more time. Perhaps seek counseling through a church in an attempt to find out why he feels he can't marry and if that is likely to change. It sounds like he is right for a lot of reasons - loves you and your children - that is huge.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I wonder if the "something" in your past is as resolved for him as you think? People don't divorce for "no reason."
Johnny M Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I understood that, but have a hard time understanding, that when he says he loves me and wants to always be with me, then why isnt he ready to marry me? What does he stand to gain from marrying you? No, seriously - how will his life improve after the marriage vows are made?
skydiveaddict Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Why isnt he ready to get married Cause he has commitment phobia just like me Plus my hobbies (skydiving, motorcycles etc ) tend to scare women off.
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I wonder if the "something" in your past is as resolved for him as you think? People don't divorce for "no reason." These two points have nailed the root of your problem on the head.
Pleco Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Why isnt he ready to get married Cause he has commitment phobia just like me Plus my hobbies (skydiving, motorcycles etc ) tend to scare women off. Skydiving and motorcycles? Will you marry me? Sorry to derail, but you need to find yourself some better women.
doushenka Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Our relationship was really strong, then somethings came up about my past that almost ruined it, but we worked it out and decided to stay together. Sometimes episodes like that reset a relationship clock, or set it back. Where before you might have had X amount of trust, now you have... well, whatever you have since your problems came to light. about a year ago i asked him about us and marriage and he said he wasnt ready and didnt know if he would ever be, he just didnt feel ready, and its something he has to feel right about because when he is ready its a life long commitment. At a year in? Good grief, no wonder he was balking. Call me strange -- and you have every right to do that -- but a year is a bit short for getting to know someone before deciding that they are your new life partner. Something else to consider: if your values are clashing on sex before marriage, what else do you disagree on? What sort of issues from your past caused the problem?
boogieboy Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 he said he wasnt ready and didnt know if he would ever be, he just didnt feel ready, and its something he has to feel right about because when he is ready its a life long commitment. That is his way of telling you to stop nagging him about it. He will let you know when HE is ready, not when YOU are ready. I understood that, but have a hard time understanding, that when he says he loves me and wants to always be with me, then why isnt he ready to marry me? Ill repost the question you need to answer. What does he have to gain by marrying you? And why do you NEED to be married so badly?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I have a hard time believing that a man will discontinue everything sexual/physical in a relationship if he has strong feelings for her, particularly when he is balking over marriage at the same time. It sounds to me like he is aware that she wants to be married, and he doesn't and is slowly easing his way out.
Author emk1974 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Thank you for all your replies, things are going good and improving daily for us. We both started reading " songs of Solomon" about the journey of love, from dateing- marriage and how its should be done, he described what he was feeling and i truly understand after a lot of thought and input from him, he wants our relationship built on the right things. It wasnt before and its headed that way now. and he is right that you cant have a relationship just built on sex, it has to be more depth to it. He really wants to know who i am and everything about me. Like i said we have been together for almost 2 years, but in that beggining our relationship was buil t on lies. We worked through them but took a long time, so now its time to focus on the real us. He isnt the type to break things off slowly, if he didnt want me or any of this to work he would have said see yea a long time ago. I have learned that i dont need to be married to be married and that if this is meant to be it will be. In the mean time we are still going to work on things and keep building our relationship daily, and follow the path God shows us.
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