liljay Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Hi I´m sorry if this is posted in the wrong place in advance but this is the first time i´ve used this site. I´ve been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now and things are amazing most of the time. The times it´s bad is usually because of one of our insecurities. I´m thankful for everyday that we are together and that we managed to find each other in this huge world! He makes me smile, he encourages me to be the best I can be, we laugh and talk about everything and I can honestly say he is my best friend as well as lover. The problem is that since I´ve been dating him, I´ve distanced myself from my old friends. This is really a good thing because I drank too much with them and other things. I´m concentrating more on my career and I´ve quit smoking and generally I´m a much happier and more positive person. But I get so lonely when we aren´t together and when I´m not working. I live in a different country away from my family and the people that I grew up with. I have some friends that we share as a couple and I really enjoy spending time with his family also but I´m worried that I´m becoming too dependent on my boyfriend. I want to share everything with him and it´s very rare that either of us can make it through a whole day without being in touch in some way but I don´t want him to feel any pressure or responsibility to be my "everything" (i.e, friend, lover, family) I feel so guilty sometimes that he is spending time with me when he has other people and other things to do. We have some difficulties in communication at times because we speak different languages but we are very patient with the other and we take the time to really listen and understand but I know that this is draining for both of us. I know he needs time to joke and relax and not have to think about every single word he uses and whether or not i understand. (I was married before to a guy where english wasn´t his first language and I know I used to get tired of trying to understand his broken english. Incidentally, it´s me who is speaking another language now) So I really don´t know what to do or how to stop myself from calling him or asking for more of his attention because he needs his space, just like we all do. I just get so lonely being so far away from my family and closest friends, even after two years of living here. Any advice on what I can do other than ringing people who i don´t want to be a part of my life anymore. I´m a very sociable and outgoing person and I´m just not used to being shut up inside alone. I feel like I´m losing my identity. Any advice appreciated. Thank you in advance
Malenfant Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 This is a problem that faces many people, regardless of situation. I totally understand you not wanting to demand more time from your BF, and probably, the time you spend together is ample, its just you need to add some interests to your life. The only thing i can really suggest is taking up some kind of interest or hobby. maybe an evening class, something intellectual, physical or artistic. Start with an interest you have or would like to pursue, without thinking too much about the kind of people you're likely to meet, so at least if you dont make any firm friends, you'll still be enjoying the activity and getting some time for you that you enjoy without needing your BF to be there. the bottom line is you wont get on unless you get out a bit more and do some stuff just for you. that doenst mean to the exclusion of your BF. as he wants what is best for you, he'd probably be very happy that you're trying something new. if you start something and it isnt as enjoyable as you'd hoped, then do something else. at least the people you meet out will share an interest with you, even if you dont have much else in common. Spending time away from your BF and not thinking about him all the time when you are apart is a good thing, and means you can share with him your new found interests. let us know how you get on, and good luck
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