C-i-C-u Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I found out today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. I do not sleep with anyone else we are just not bf/gf...This is NOT a case of NO BIRTH CONTROL...the method we were using failed. I am not sure what to do...we have been growing to know each other for the last 5 months... I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? I'll tell you but I doubt you will listen. What I want you to do is to tell him and if he reacts like its ok we will get married or something. Tell him that you want to get the baby aborted because in the down road you will have multiple children with him but you both will end up divorced and you'll be thinking of what a jerk he was. And then on top of all that your children will grow up watching you guys fight and that is no good. If you tell and he reacts by asking what you are going to do. Get the baby aborted. He doesn't want it and doesn't see you as a girl he really wants a relationship with. If you tell him and he is silent like a lost of words. Then it is up to you to decide what to do because that means its troubling for him but he cares for you and any subsequent child you have. But remember give him time to react sometimes you may mistake him for being at a lost of words but really he is just figuring out what he is going to say. I knew a girl who was in a similar situation and she told him that she was pregnant. What did th guy do? He beat the crap out of her. And after that she had the baby but has not told the child a thing about her father and she doesn't want to either. She tried to get me to pretend that I was the father. Because the child really liked me she really did and I thought that was because I use to visit them many times and she ended up believing i was the father. But when that happened I less and less went to her house or hanging out with her.
O'Malley Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'm sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. There is no wrong decision here, only a decision that is best for you and your circumstance. You stated you have no family nearby; do you have friends that can support you at this time? If you decide to terminate, I would advise against disclosure to this man. Absolute honesty is ideal in theory, but in reality notification may simply compound the stress you are going through. He may or may not be supportive, and at worst he may attempt to pressure you to come to his decision.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'm sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. There is no wrong decision here, only a decision that is best for you and your circumstance. You stated you have no family nearby; do you have friends that can support you at this time? If you decide to terminate, I would advise against disclosure to this man. Absolute honesty is ideal in theory, but in reality notification may simply compound the stress you are going through. He may or may not be supportive, and at worst he may attempt to pressure you to come to his decision. there is no wrong decision? come on! how can she not tell the dude she is pregnant with his baby? I cant understand some of you. this dude has every right to know he has fathered a child. any of you can honestly say that its ok for her to terminate this without telling the guy? im not arguing about abortion either, just the fact that this dude NEEDS to know
DiscoChick Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 there is no wrong decision? come on! how can she not tell the dude she is pregnant with his baby? I cant understand some of you. this dude has every right to know he has fathered a child. any of you can honestly say that its ok for her to terminate this without telling the guy? im not arguing about abortion either, just the fact that this dude NEEDS to know I agree with Steve. Half of that baby is his.
mansquito Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You are right that the most important thing is looking after yourself right now, and you don't need the burden of having to worry about how he will react. But as others have said, he can also be a huge source of support for you. Take care, I know this isn't easy. Quoted for truth. If you feel secure enough in the relationship, such as it is, to open yourself up emotionally to the guy, and you feel like you're going to need his support in whatever decision you make, and you're sure that he won't get all high and mighty should you choose to terminate, then telling him might be a good idea. Not for his sake, but for yours. Do your best to ignore the people who are throwing all the moral condemnation your way. Abortion definitely isn't easy, but it hasn't necessarily been devastating for the women I know who've gone through it. Painful, yes, but most of them seem to have taken lessons from the experience and learned to be more careful in the future.
bac Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you so much for your unbiased opinion and this information. I am not taking the option of termination lightly. I am distraught. I work in the ent. industry and have been laid off, I'm uninsured, I am not in a committed relationship with this great guy, I am far from any familial support system. Yes it took two to 'tango' but I am not trying to trap this guy and if I decide to keep this baby I will be overjoyed if he is there and present. If I decide to terminate it will be my decision that I have to live with and I do not want to bring him strife or expect $ or have to manage anything else but the decision that I had to make. This is just a really bad situation to be in. If you love this guy so much and are so ready to sacrifice herself, you might want to tell him the truth and see the real him. IMHO you might want to get in touch with reality about your man. I understand that he might has no money and personal time to help you. And, it is just a reality which you have to accept. But, he definitely has mind and emotions to give you empathy and later to feel guilty.
torranceshipman Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I really hope you're going to have an abortion, because it's not fair to force him to fork over hundreds of thousands of dollars for a kid he doesn't want. Just sayin' Yeah, they both made the baby together, her womb didn't just spontaneously create it. 'Its not fair' isnt really a concept exclusive to him as neither planned it.
OnlyJake Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) I found out today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. I do not sleep with anyone else we are just not bf/gf...This is NOT a case of NO BIRTH CONTROL...the method we were using failed. I am not sure what to do...we have been growing to know each other for the last 5 months... I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? Why should you have to deal with the consequences of BOTH your actions all on your own? I can't believe that you're actually concerned about pursuing a relationship with a guy who you can't be honest with. Are you serious? He deserves more respect than that. Beyond that, he should learn that there are consequences for actions. Why are you the only one who has to deal with them, whether they be having to make a difficult decision, financial, or otherwise? Edited January 13, 2010 by OnlyJake
O'Malley Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I can't believe that you're actually concerned about pursuing a relationship with a guy who you can't be honest with. Are you serious? Agreed. If this had happened in a secure, healthy relationship, she most likely would have told the father and they would discuss how she wants to handle the situation. If a casual relationship is the priority for both parties, I realistically can't expect the guy to be fully supportive of her in this situation. At worst, he could pressure her unduly (either to abort or to carry the pregnancy to term).
Johnny M Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I found out today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. I do not sleep with anyone else we are just not bf/gf...This is NOT a case of NO BIRTH CONTROL...the method we were using failed. I am not sure what to do...we have been growing to know each other for the last 5 months... I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? He is the father of the child. Of course you have to tell him.
kalena9488 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I believe you should tell him you're pregnant and make sure you tell him you're not trying to trap him. You never know, if you were the one who didn't want to raise it he may. Some men will surprise you when it comes to their children. Best of luck to you!
paddington bear Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 OP what I've got from your posts is a lot of 'I don't want to cause him any grief' - which seems to indicate that you are projecting a lot onto him, worried about protecting his emotions, his life, his work, rather than focusing on you and what you want. You also asked 'does this mean I'll lose him forever?' Firstly, you are the one who is pregnant, and as pointed out, as such will be the one to have to carry the baby to full term should you decide to keep it. So you should be worrying about YOU and your problems - I know when you care for someone you don't want to cause them any more trouble, or be a bother but really in this situation, try to focus on yourself here and what's best for you. If that means causing him stress by telling him, in order to alleviate some of your stress, then do it. Also you're making assumptions as to how he might respond by not telling him (assumptions that could be right, but you just don't know until you have spoken with him.) Secondly, worrying about losing this guy indicates that you have stronger feelings for him than just a FWB relationship. Having a termination is not the solution for keeping a guy, who maybe is not one for keeping anyway, whether you do it or not, you may lose him (sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, or make you feel even more stressed, I'm just trying to focus you to think further on your reasons for termination which are bound up with your feelings for this guy). If you tell him either he will: a) suggest you have an abortion b) suggest you have an abortion and then come round and change his mind having had time to digest the information c) do what a lot of guys do and do 'the right thing' and make an honest woman of you and either find that actually he is unexpectedly happy with the situation, or may feel trapped into fatherhood and responsibilities. d) be absolutely delighted that he's going to be a dad The question you need to ask yourself is can you cope with any of these scenarios if you speak with him? Which out of those would you most prefer his response to be should you tell him? Which is he more likely to say do you think? Again this is just to help you clarify your own feelings about him, your relationship to him and assist you with your decision. The other thing to do is to not make any assumptions about what his response will be. People can surprise you, even if you think you know them, particularly when it comes to situations like this. Most men are good guys and are well able to take on board the situation of an unexpected pregnancy after the initial shock. No contraception is 100%, by having sex with you he should also have to deal with the outcome of the contraception failing. I think you should tell him, because it's the fair thing to do and ultimately you can still make your own choice, even if it's not his choice (which, yes, is crap for him, but again back to the you will be the one carrying the baby and giving birth argument). Look at it this way, tell him in order to allow the other half of the baby-maker to help you make an informed and right decision for you. If you do tell him, remember you've had weeks to try to come to terms with this and he'll need some time to cope with such news, so don't take his initial response as gospel. Depending on his responses to the situation, you can gauge a little more how you feel about the termination - but also how you feel about him. You need to know if he'd stick around and be a dad even if you two decided to discontinue your FWB relationship, or would he be against having a child or you in his life. It will be hard to hear maybe, but it will focus you, rather than confuse you even more. Having an abortion can be a terribly emotional affair and to do it in secret may make it all the harder for you, should that be what you choose. Finally, try not to project too much into the future and imagine what 'will' happen. It may not. Just react to events as they happen. A friend of mine was in a similar situation (but without the financial worries). The guy wanted her to have an abortion, insisted on it, over and over. In the end she decided against it, and somehow they've ended up living together and raising the child together....I'm not saying it's the ideal start to a relationship that was not 'serious' to begin with, but you just don't know what can happen. Sending you good wishes and all that I can say is of all the women I know who either got pregnant unexpectedly or had abortions, all have survived both and gone on to live their lives. It may seem like a massive trauma now, but you will be more than able to cope with the decisions that you make now in the future.
OceanTropic Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) I totally agree with Soul.. Edited January 13, 2010 by OceanTropic
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? In a casual relationship, no one owes anyone anything. That's the beauty of it. Telling him does not guarantee the end of your relationship. I wouldn't worry about that, though. Do what you think is best, without being swayed by fears of loss of the relationship.
Author InsatiableBri Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 He asked me outright today. He knew something was up...was very concerned and after asking if someone I knew was ill or dying he asked directly if I was pregnant. I was not going to lie to him. I said...Look I have to talk to you...don't want to talk over the phone and he said...I go out of town on Friday....and I need to know what is going on with you. He said...Is someone sick? I said no I'll try and drive to you...we'll do coffee and he said...are you pregnant and I said, "i really don't want to talk about this over the phone" and he said, "I understand and respect that but I'm asking you directly...are you pregnant" and he initially was very supportive. He told me to stop crying and wanted to know if I had any ideas of what I wanted to do. I told him that I have been in a place of panic...and I have no idea what to do. I told him I was really concerned about our friendship and that I felt like an idiot even saying that because it is the least important thing that mattered. I said that it is the easiest thing to verbalize and I can't bring myself to talk about if I am keeping this baby or not keeping this baby. I can't talk about it but what I can talk about is the stuff that doesn't matter that much like I'm concerned how strong our friendship is.... he said...true...how strong our friendship is...matters but what matters the most is that we get you to a place that you are calm enough to make any decision that you need to make. He said the only people that matter right now are you and me...and you matter a lot more than I do I said I needed to get off the phone...and would call him back. He is now not answering....it's been an hour. I know it took me a few days to cope...maybe he needs some coping time too...
silverfish Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 well..I think you should give hime a little time now to let it sink in, but he'll be looking to you for guidance on where to go with this. I think its a good sign that you two have a connection that you and he could eve ndiscuss this so early on in your relationship. Its ultmately up to you whether you want to have a baby right now, whether you see him as part of your family and future whatever happens with you both as a couple...how old are you? I think any woman on finding out she is pregnant should consider herself alone..because ultimately thats how it often turns out..
silverfish Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I'll add one more thing. My stbx, long before I knew her, as a young woman, had an abortion from similar circumstances. Is it coincidental that neither we nor she and her two past husbands were able to have children? She invariably blamed me for our infertility, but your story has got me to thinking..... anyway, be safe Well theres no evidence that abortion affects fertility.....I think that vasectomys may do though....and condoms. Its not good enough to bleat 'I didnt know' at women - every one knows how babys are made by the time they are old enough to have sex.... The reality is that mistakes happen and as Obama said no one should be punished with a baby. I agree with that wholeheartedly.
rina_r Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 The reality is that mistakes happen and as Obama said no one should be punished with a baby. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Agree completely.
mansquito Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 He said the only people that matter right now are you and me...and you matter a lot more than I do This is a good sign. I'd let him be for 24 hours or so, to give him time to process everything. I've been in his situation in a committed relationship, and, while it's nothing near the range of feelings the lady in the situation goes through, there is definitely a large amount of emotional digestion that needs to take place on the guy's part. If he's an excellent dude, he'll get back to you before the 24 hour window and reiterate what he told you before. If he's a good dude, he'll take your call tomorrow night and reiterate what he told you. If he's a douche, he'll either a) dodge your calls, or b) try to make the decision for you. In either case, don't feel like you should suffer any obligation to him. These are kind of times that try men's souls, and truly test whether they're brave enough to support someone in a situation that they can't, and shouldn't, control.
PinkToes Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Bri, I'm so glad you had that conversation, and that he seems to be pretty supportive. That took an awful lot of guts. Whatever you decide to do, I do think it will help to have him on your side with this. Thanks for letting us know.
Enema Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) Ideally - what would you want him to do / say now? Edited January 14, 2010 by Enema
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Don't abort!!! Adoption is always an option. This is serious and the decision you make is too. Tell him...he has the right to know about this. He is the father!
Angel1111 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 you HAVE to tell him. how any of you can say not to tell him is beyond me. its HIS KID too. just because it is in her doesnt mean it isnt his. i can even believe some of you could say not to tell him YOU MUST TELL HIM. this thread made me sad... This is the downside to being a guy. Guys would like to think they have some control or say in this matter but they really don't. It's her body, her choice. She doesn't HAVE to do anything, or say anything. Should she? Probably. But that's way different than 'have' to.
Angel1111 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) If you have an abortion, you're going to have a hard time hiding this from him because you're going to be very emotionally overwhelmed, plus you're going to physically feel bad for a day or so. I don't really see why you would hide this from him. You're acting like it's your fault alone that you got pregnant. Are you afraid that he'll think differently of you knowing you've had an abortion? That is a possibility. Still, I think you should talk to him about it. Just remember that abortion is a huge decision. Then again, so is having a baby. I personally do not recommend having an abortion because it will weigh on you for a very long time. But whichever way you decide to go, just remember that there will come a point where you cannot undo your decision. There is no rewind button. Edited January 18, 2010 by Angel1111
lordWilhelm Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 First of all, do you people not get it? She did not ask for advice on the morality of abortion. Secondly, it's good you talked to him and were open about it. I didn't like the reasoning of not telling him to prevent harming the "friendship" -- I think a lot more harm would have happened if you didn't talk to him and if it progressed to something more in the future you would always have this on the back of the mind. I think you've done the right thing here. Hopefully he just needs a bit of time to digest this information -- but he should have told you so rather than just ignoring your call back.
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