InsatiableBri Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I found out today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. I do not sleep with anyone else we are just not bf/gf...This is NOT a case of NO BIRTH CONTROL...the method we were using failed. I am not sure what to do...we have been growing to know each other for the last 5 months... I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us?
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 ..if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? no, you don't
PinkToes Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I think you absolutely have to tell him. He's got a right to know, no matter what you choose to do next. If he leaves because of this, he's not someone you need in your life. And if you do have a future together, it would be really unfair to your relationship to keep this secret. Good luck.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I really hope you're going to have an abortion, because it's not fair to force him to fork over hundreds of thousands of dollars for a kid he doesn't want. Just sayin' LOL. Sorry. That's one of the risks you sign up for when you have sex. No birth control is 100%. I'm a female, but FWIW, if you decide to have an abortion I don't think you're obligated to tell him since you guys are not in a relationship.
bac Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 How did your birth control failed? Was it his fault? If you say the news to him, you will see his true colors. IMHO, on the one hand, if he is a good person and likes you, he will help you through the situation in some way ( perhaps with empathy, his time, his money). On the other hand, there is a chance that after you tell him, you both would not want to see each other ever.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I wouldn't say you're obligated to tell him. But for your own sake, you might consider telling him. Going through an abortion is a very emotionally trying experience. I think any support you can get, the better.
cognac Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 DON'T ABORT IT. You will regret it. Tell him, see how he reacts. As a very last resort, have the child adopted.
OceanTropic Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 If you're not in a relationship, I don't think he OUGHT to know. I mean, from the sounds of it, its more of a f*ck buddy relationship than anything else. If you decide to keep it, of course tell him. If you want to rid of it, I don't think you should. Then again, if he really likes you, and if he is getting serious with you, I think you should tell him. If it's just a sexual relationship and not a real one, I don't see why you should be obligated to tell him.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 DON'T ABORT IT. You will regret it. Tell him, see how he reacts. As a very last resort, have the child adopted. Considering you had no part in creating the child and you don't freaking have a uterus, I find it pretty bold to make such a statement. Let's not turn this into an abortion debate. She didn't ask if she should abort it and it's a very personal (as in - none of your business) decision.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You're not obligated to tell him. I think you should do what feels right for you. thats what i thought too
tami-chan Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Tell him about the pregnancy and tell him what you plan to do-it's not like you got pregnant all by yourself.
reboot Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 No you don't have to tell him. Yes you should tell him. If the two of you decide you don't want the baby, there are a lot of wonderful people out there that would. It's your right of course, but think very hard about it before you get an abortion.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 you HAVE to tell him. how any of you can say not to tell him is beyond me. its HIS KID too. just because it is in her doesnt mean it isnt his. i can even believe some of you could say not to tell him YOU MUST TELL HIM. this thread made me sad...
carhill Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Is the prospective father and yourself a FWB arrangement? IOW, he's not emotionally invested in you? If so, you're essentially having sex for physical pleasure (nothing wrong with that) and the reproductive consequences appear to be primarily yours, since you're the one who's pregnant. Obviously, if you carry to term, he'll know soon enough anyway. If you abort, depending on timing, he might have some questions about your sexual distance. IMO, regardless, if he's around regularly, he'll know something is up. It sounds like you want to continue with him. Right now, which way are you leaning? Disclosure or non-disclosure? If you're asking whether telling him will certainly end your relationship, no one can answer that but him. After you had that bad break-up of a four year LTR a few months ago, I empathize. This is rough. I didn't see how old you are. Mind sharing that?
Chicago_Guy Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I found out today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. I do not sleep with anyone else we are just not bf/gf...This is NOT a case of NO BIRTH CONTROL...the method we were using failed. I am not sure what to do...we have been growing to know each other for the last 5 months... I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? I really hope you are joking. Do you have any idea how incredibly selfish you would have to be to an abortion without even telling that guy and then go back to having sex with him in your unusual relationship?
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I really hope you are joking. Do you have any idea how incredibly selfish you would have to be to an abortion without even telling that guy and then go back to having sex with him in your unusual relationship? I'm not sure where "selfishness" came in considering it's HER BODY. She should be able to do whatever the hell she wants with it.
Author InsatiableBri Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I am not trying to be selfish. We are very good friends with benefits...and yes if my decision is to keep this baby I would tell him.. but if I don't, since we are not exclusive and not in a committed relationship I am not certain that it is necessary. For what purpose...I don't want his $...I don't want to bring him stress and or grief. I feel like telling him if I decide to terminate would be more for me...so I could feel 'less alone' in this. He has a lot going on and IF i decide to terminate I would be more concerned about taking care of myself in this situation and not managing his feelings or having unnecessary dialogue on a decision which is primarily mine to make. I really wanted some opinions...and I appreciate all of you for sharing. As for those who are choosing to make this a debate on abortion...that is not what this thread is about...
Author InsatiableBri Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I really hope you are joking. Do you have any idea how incredibly selfish you would have to be to an abortion without even telling that guy and then go back to having sex with him in your unusual relationship? I was going to take the time and further explain myself to you but I checked out your posts and your general opinions of women and I see that there is no point.
carhill Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Here's a toughie, not knowing your circumstances....if you terminate and he asks you, due to noticing post-op discomfort and/or sexual limitations, what's wrong, what will you tell him? I'd think about that in advance, since you're probably going to lie to him. Get it right. Also, have a backup plan for complications. Best wishes
skydiveaddict Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 [quote=InsatiableBri;2595337I do not know if I am going to terminate the pregnancy or not...if I decide to terminate...do I have to tell him? Help... If I do tell him is it certainly the end of us? Whatever you choose, it is certainly up to you. But abortion can can be a horrible experience. I've helped two close friends go through it. It was awful. Whatever you decide, think carefully before you act. Telling "him" is the least of your worries.
carhill Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'll add one more thing. My stbx, long before I knew her, as a young woman, had an abortion from similar circumstances. Is it coincidental that neither we nor she and her two past husbands were able to have children? She invariably blamed me for our infertility, but your story has got me to thinking..... anyway, be safe
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I feel like telling him if I decide to terminate would be more for me...so I could feel 'less alone' in this. He has a lot going on and IF i decide to terminate I would be more concerned about taking care of myself in this situation and not managing his feelings or having unnecessary dialogue on a decision which is primarily mine to make. Do what you need to for you, Bri. I really hope you get a good support system, whatever that might look like. I have a friend that went through an abortion. Really, really take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that can love and support you if that ends up being your choice. K? I'll add one more thing. My stbx, long before I knew her, as a young woman, had an abortion from similar circumstances. Is it coincidental that neither we nor she and her two past husbands were able to have children? She invariably blamed me for our infertility, but your story has got me to thinking..... anyway, be safe Only if she had a very bad job done. Or if she possibly developed an infection afterwards. No need to fear-monger. Abortion is hard enough. Let's not add groundless guilt. Infertility in women can happen for a multitude of reasons. And infertility in a couple really isn't something that should be "blamed" on one person or another. I think it was poor taste on her part to blame you, Carhill. I experienced infertility with my XH - no idea whose "fault" it was considering doctors couldn't find anything wrong with either one of us. But the point is - abortion isn't likely to cause future infertility problems if done correctly. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/abortion/AN00633
skydiveaddict Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I'm not sure where "selfishness" came in considering it's HER BODY. She should be able to do whatever the hell she wants with it. Try telling that to any obstetrician. There are two distict heartbeats in her body right now. One is hers, the other the baby's. Value judgements aside, facts ARE facts
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 *deleted* Holy crap. And in one fell swoop, I lost all respect for you, Carhill. Get a grip, dude.
Author InsatiableBri Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Here's a toughie, not knowing your circumstances....if you terminate and he asks you, due to noticing post-op discomfort and/or sexual limitations, what's wrong, what will you tell him? I'd think about that in advance, since you're probably going to lie to him. Get it right. Also, have a backup plan for complications. Best wishes If he asked I would not lie
Recommended Posts