My Long Term Partner Has Been "Blindsided" by Another Woman.

January 12, 2010

We have been together for several years but do not live together. Both of us have been happy with this arrangement; so before I continue, there has been no drama in the marriage department; no underlying issues there.

Before Saturday morning I would have told you we had the perfect relationship but now I know we did not and I only hope we get the chance – I get the chance – at a second chance.

On Saturday morning, he texted me and asked if I was coming over, as usual. The normal routine is sex, coffee and lounging around eating breakfast or going out to eat. This Saturday was different however because when I walked in, he was not in good shape (had been drinking) and was crying. The first words out of his mouth were “I’m not happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do”. I kept asking him what was going on and he told me he had met a woman he had developed feelings for. He said he hadn’t been looking for it and it had taken him by surprise and now he was completely confused. He said he loves me very much but also has feelings for her and feels out of control because he’s never experienced this is his life.

He then said he wanted to tell me about it because we had promised each other a long time ago we would be honest and he doesn’t want to lie to me. He loves me so much and he never ever thought this would happen to him. He is angry at himself for having feelings for someone else and hopes it is just a fleeting thing and will blow over. He said he has not had sex with her.

So I start crying, uncontrollably – and he holds me and keeps saying he’s sorry and he loves me – keeps saying it over and over and over.

I move away from him and ask him what he’s going to do. He says “I don’t know”. He says he feels like he has no control over the situation. I tell him that he can’t have both, so he’s going to have to sort things out and make a decision. I tell him I have to go and walk out the door crying, I look back at him sobbing uncontrollably. Remember, he has been drinking (and he's just a casual drinker).

He went on a drinking binge the entire weekend, texting me occasionally to tell me this is all his fault and he wants it to stop. Texts me that he loves me and misses me tremendously.

I text back and tell him I love him too and want to talk about this again when he’s sober.

He emails me today and tells me he is physically ill from binge drinking, he is confused and frustrated. His apartment is a disaster and he hasn’t been able to function at work. He is going to try this evening to do some laundry, clean up his apartment and hopefully get his head back in order.

He wants to do this and then we can talk later in the week.

Needless to say, I am devastated and can’t seem to function very well myself.

I know this is not 100% his fault and since Saturday morning, I’ve been thinking about ways I’ve pushed him away recently; I’ve been stuck in my own rut over the loss of a job and gaining a little extra weight. Instead of meeting him for happy hour as I used to do, I’d tell him to go without me because I was tired (stupid!). We quit having Wednesday movie night and in general, just quit having fun. I moved away from him and he (probably subconsciously) replaced me with someone else. I am angry at myself for taking him for granted (which is exactly what I did).

So what happens now? Is he trying to make a choice between me and this other person or has he already made the decision to be with her and just doesn’t want to tell me? Do I still have a chance to tell him I’m sorry for taking him for granted and make things right?

I am afraid it’s too late though. I am so afraid he’s already made up his mind.

January 13, 2010

I can understand why you feel like your life is falling apart right now. I think it is unfair for you to put any blame on yourself for what happened. Although we shouldn't take people we care about for granted, everyone does it and its a hard habit not to fall into. It sounds like he is being very sincere and honest with you, which I think is a good sign. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

January 13, 2010

We have been together for several years but do not live together. Both of us have been happy with this arrangement; so before I continue, there has been no drama in the marriage department; no underlying issues there.

Before Saturday morning I would have told you we had the perfect relationship but now I know we did not and I only hope we get the chance – I get the chance – at a second chance.

On Saturday morning, he texted me and asked if I was coming over, as usual. The normal routine is sex, coffee and lounging around eating breakfast or going out to eat. This Saturday was different however because when I walked in, he was not in good shape (had been drinking) and was crying. The first words out of his mouth were “I’m not happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do”. I kept asking him what was going on and he told me he had met a woman he had developed feelings for. He said he hadn’t been looking for it and it had taken him by surprise and now he was completely confused. He said he loves me very much but also has feelings for her and feels out of control because he’s never experienced this is his life.

He then said he wanted to tell me about it because we had promised each other a long time ago we would be honest and he doesn’t want to lie to me. He loves me so much and he never ever thought this would happen to him. He is angry at himself for having feelings for someone else and hopes it is just a fleeting thing and will blow over. He said he has not had sex with her.

So I start crying, uncontrollably – and he holds me and keeps saying he’s sorry and he loves me – keeps saying it over and over and over.

I move away from him and ask him what he’s going to do. He says “I don’t know”. He says he feels like he has no control over the situation. I tell him that he can’t have both, so he’s going to have to sort things out and make a decision. I tell him I have to go and walk out the door crying, I look back at him sobbing uncontrollably. Remember, he has been drinking (and he's just a casual drinker).

He went on a drinking binge the entire weekend, texting me occasionally to tell me this is all his fault and he wants it to stop. Texts me that he loves me and misses me tremendously.

I text back and tell him I love him too and want to talk about this again when he’s sober.

He emails me today and tells me he is physically ill from binge drinking, he is confused and frustrated. His apartment is a disaster and he hasn’t been able to function at work. He is going to try this evening to do some laundry, clean up his apartment and hopefully get his head back in order.

He wants to do this and then we can talk later in the week.

Needless to say, I am devastated and can’t seem to function very well myself.

I know this is not 100% his fault and since Saturday morning, I’ve been thinking about ways I’ve pushed him away recently; I’ve been stuck in my own rut over the loss of a job and gaining a little extra weight. Instead of meeting him for happy hour as I used to do, I’d tell him to go without me because I was tired (stupid!). We quit having Wednesday movie night and in general, just quit having fun. I moved away from him and he (probably subconsciously) replaced me with someone else. I am angry at myself for taking him for granted (which is exactly what I did).

So what happens now? Is he trying to make a choice between me and this other person or has he already made the decision to be with her and just doesn’t want to tell me? Do I still have a chance to tell him I’m sorry for taking him for granted and make things right?

I am afraid it’s too late though. I am so afraid he’s already made up his mind.

it's not your fault... there's no sense in talking about any of it until he is sober. wait until he is clear minded then talk it over.

January 13, 2010

I'm sorry this has happened and that you're hurting so much. Honestly, if I were in your position, I would end it with him - because sitting around waiting for him to 'make up his mind' or to choose you is the worst possible position you could allow yourself to be in. You have a lot of history with him and that may be a good thing, but the truth is, he is now attracted to someone else and has told you this. You can't ignore it - and I know you're not - but despite what he says to you, don't put too much faith in it. Most men cannot deal with a woman crying so he'll say anything. It's not to say he doesn't love you, it's just that the truth is, he's thinking seriously about being with someone else. And he may be hoping that you'll be the one to end the relationship so that he doesn't have to do it. End it. If he comes back to you after a month of so, great. If he doesn't, then he wasn't going to stick around anyway. I know this is hard and hurtful but you have been given a piece of information that has completely changed your relationship with him.

January 13, 2010

I do take some responsibility; I was pre-occupied with myself. There was definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

If he can't tell me what he wants when we talk again, then I will walk away. I can't sit around wondering indefinitely and I can't share him with someone else.

I am glad he told me though instead of sneaking around behind my back.

January 13, 2010

Has he SLEPT with this woman, or been carrying this on behind your back for quite some time? Where did he meet her - bar or work? You had no inkling? That is scary if you didn't. Means it could happen again without any warning if you took him back.

January 13, 2010

He says he didn't sleep with her. I suspect he wants to though; of course he does. Perhaps told me so he'd have a clear conscience, a green light?

He met her at a bar; we used to go to happy hour every friday and I stopped going in November. He would text me and ask me to come, my excuse was I was too tired. She happened to sit next to him one of those times he was missing me. DOH!

I didn't have an inkling because I was too focused on myself.

January 13, 2010

I do take some responsibility; I was pre-occupied with myself. There was definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

If he can't tell me what he wants when we talk again, then I will walk away. I can't sit around wondering indefinitely and I can't share him with someone else.

I am glad he told me though instead of sneaking around behind my back.

I totally agree - it was very noble of him to do that. It's speaks very well of him. I think your plan is a good one. I think he will just need time and space on his own to figure things out.

January 13, 2010

The hard part for me will be giving him that time and space - I say my plan is to walk away but I'm not sure how I will survive it.

I just pray he tells me he's over it...

January 13, 2010

Of course, I don't know the whole story, but sounds like he is really taking you for granted. No drama, smooth sailing relationship..now he feels the need to interject some major upheaval into what most people would dream of in a life together? Relationships all have rough patches, heck, partners sometimes get deathly ill and can't be available for "happy hour"..! Doesn't mean you have to take up with the tramp on the stool next to you. Sheesh!

You might want to read a book called "Mating in Captivity" if this sorts itself out, or even it it doesn't. Interesting book about relationships and balancing comfort and passion. I don't agree with everything in it, but it is very thought provoking. Rough situation...

January 13, 2010

We have been together for several years but do not live together. Both of us have been happy with this arrangement; so before I continue, there has been no drama in the marriage department; no underlying issues there.

Before Saturday morning I would have told you we had the perfect relationship but now I know we did not and I only hope we get the chance – I get the chance – at a second chance.

On Saturday morning, he texted me and asked if I was coming over, as usual. The normal routine is sex, coffee and lounging around eating breakfast or going out to eat. This Saturday was different however because when I walked in, he was not in good shape (had been drinking) and was crying. The first words out of his mouth were “I’m not happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do”. I kept asking him what was going on and he told me he had met a woman he had developed feelings for. He said he hadn’t been looking for it and it had taken him by surprise and now he was completely confused. He said he loves me very much but also has feelings for her and feels out of control because he’s never experienced this is his life.

Do you know if she returns his interest or even knows about his feelings for her? Does she know that he has a partner already?

He then said he wanted to tell me about it because we had promised each other a long time ago we would be honest and he doesn’t want to lie to me. He loves me so much and he never ever thought this would happen to him. He is angry at himself for having feelings for someone else and hopes it is just a fleeting thing and will blow over. He said he has not had sex with her.

I agree with Holly that his sincerity and love for you is a good sign.

So I start crying, uncontrollably – and he holds me and keeps saying he’s sorry and he loves me – keeps saying it over and over and over.

: (

I move away from him and ask him what he’s going to do. He says “I don’t know”. He says he feels like he has no control over the situation. I tell him that he can’t have both, so he’s going to have to sort things out and make a decision. I tell him I have to go and walk out the door crying, I look back at him sobbing uncontrollably. Remember, he has been drinking (and he's just a casual drinker).

He went on a drinking binge the entire weekend, texting me occasionally to tell me this is all his fault and he wants it to stop. Texts me that he loves me and misses me tremendously.

I text back and tell him I love him too and want to talk about this again when he’s sober.

He emails me today and tells me he is physically ill from binge drinking, he is confused and frustrated. His apartment is a disaster and he hasn’t been able to function at work. He is going to try this evening to do some laundry, clean up his apartment and hopefully get his head back in order.

He wants to do this and then we can talk later in the week.

Needless to say, I am devastated and can’t seem to function very well myself.

I know this is not 100% his fault and since Saturday morning, I’ve been thinking about ways I’ve pushed him away recently; I’ve been stuck in my own rut over the loss of a job and gaining a little extra weight. Instead of meeting him for happy hour as I used to do, I’d tell him to go without me because I was tired (stupid!). We quit having Wednesday movie night and in general, just quit having fun. I moved away from him and he (probably subconsciously) replaced me with someone else. I am angry at myself for taking him for granted (which is exactly what I did).

Hmmm, yes, he might well have assumed that you have been losing interest in him lately, and been hurt by that. Is it possible you have been losing interest in him, or is it more about the job loss getting you down?

I think it's an excellent idea for you to join in with his activities, revive the movie nights and get some exercise, not only will it demonstrate to him that he is still important to you, but making a bit more effort in general will be good for your own wellbeing. I feel maybe you are a little depressed atm.

But, his response to your recent apathy isn't such a good sign IMO. I think if he has been upset, it would have been way more mature to talk it over with you than go running off and find a crush somewhere else. And you've recently lost a job, started putting on weight and dropping activities....has he been sensitive or supportive enough of you lately?

So what happens now? Is he trying to make a choice between me and this other person or has he already made the decision to be with her and just doesn’t want to tell me? Do I still have a chance to tell him I’m sorry for taking him for granted and make things right?

I am afraid it’s too late though. I am so afraid he’s already made up his mind.

I'm sure you'll get a chance to talk it all out with him in the next few days.

Good luck, I hope it works out

January 13, 2010

You might want to read a book called "Mating in Captivity" if this sorts itself out, or even it it doesn't. Interesting book about relationships and balancing comfort and passion. I don't agree with everything in it, but it is very thought provoking. Rough situation...

Thanks I might pick that up regardless. I don't want you to think we haven't had issues, we have(I just wonder if that "tramp" who sat down next to him - if his feelings are actually for her or if he was just missing me? He did tell me she reminds him of me. (weird)

January 13, 2010

Do you know if she returns his interest or even knows about his feelings for her? Does she know that he has a partner already?

She sat down next to him, so I assume she was interested. He told me she thinks they are just friends.

I'm sure you'll get a chance to talk it all out with him in the next few days.

Good luck, I hope it works out

Thank you and I hope you're right that we'll get a chance to talk soon.

January 15, 2010

I wouldn't be so passive about your situation if you really want to keep your marriage. From my male perspective I get that he has been feeling neglected. You stopped joining him for happy hour, wed nights etc... he has even texted you asking you to come again and you still rejected him.

What about not walking away and showing him you really love him and care about the relationship. Tell him what you wrote here. You promise to join him again for those date nights and be less tired and have more energy to devote to him and your relationship.

You're still too focused on yourself ready to walk away so quickly. Be a man and don't let that woman go, er reverse that, but hopefully you get what I'm saying. ;-)

January 18, 2010

Losing a job is one of the most traumatic events one can experience, and it completely sounds like HE is the one who wasn't supporting you. When you didn't go out for happy hour, he should have been coming to you to make you dinner and cheer you up. That's what a man does who loves his girlfriend who just lost her job. He should have been pampering you and making you feel like the most amazing woman in the world during this rough time.

He sounds like a jerk and you can do much better than him.

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