ohgregorywhy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I've been married for 12 years with no kids. There's some aspects of our partnership that work very well, but about twice a year we get into a big blowout and I really think about ending it and looking for someone more compatible. Our problem to me is in the day to day of life. We don't have much fun sometimes and this makes me think of maybe there's someone more compatible. There's a heaviness to us as she's a very emotional person. Her emotions are out of control sometimes. I'm not perfect either as I can be moody and sometimes negative. So my question is how often do you think about breaking up? Is it time for me to finally just do it? Thanks!
Author ohgregorywhy Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Thanks! That is helpful. I've done this in the past where I told myself I don't have to make a decision now and I'm going to fully commit to this relationship. Sometimes after a while it gets better and I'm glad I stuck through the bad times. Then the bad times come again, an average of twice per year for our entire relationship. It's like we're almost compatible but not quite. She is very emotional and I feel that her emotions occupy most of the space in our relationship. We've spoken about this, but things only change temporarily. I wish there was some quantifiable equation that would tell me the right thing to do. I know the grass is always greener on the other side.
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 The following is from 'Having Healthy Relationships' by Susanna McMahon, and may help you decide what is your appropriate next step: When to leave There are many good reasons to leave a relationship. One of the clearest is when the relationship is not providing the ability to be true to the self. When not to leave There are also many reasons not to leave a relationship. When our partner is not abusing us, when this significant other lets us be who we really are, and when we are free to make our own choices and control our own lives, we may become bored or less excited or sexually uninterested. At these times we may be tempted to explore the newness of another relationship. Also when we feel unfulfilled and want someone exciting to give us a new lift in life, we may become tempted to leave. These are exactly the times when we need to turn to our internal lives instead of changing our external ones. --- It's an excellent little book. Currently only available through resellers (at amazon.com and the like.) For a different way out of your marital rut, you may want to try 'How Good Do We Have to Be?' by Harold Kushner, and/or 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin. Both available at reduced prices, from BookCloseOuts.com
quankanne Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 the longer you're with someone, the more you tend to think about these things, whether if it's out of anger and hurt, or if you're looking at it as a "what if" kind of thing. Completely normal stuff. It's also completely normal to plot their deaths when they really, really piss you off ... or is that a "good Catholic girl" thing? ask yourself why you feel this way when you think about ending the relationship ... it could be that an adjustment of perception can help you see past the initial reaction to just split because you deserve/want/need better than what your partner is giving. have y'all looked into marriage enrichment/counselling to help give you the tools you need for better communication? That might be worth considering. Also, there's a book out there called "The 5 love languages" that is fantastic about describing how we love people, and how we can make seemingly opposite styles work. This might give you a better insight into why you sometimes think about splitting up, when deep down, you might feel otherwise.
Author ohgregorywhy Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Thanks for your insights everyone! I'm wondering if there's anyone that has been in an LTR and has had these same thoughts as me but chose to make the move. How has it been? Were your intuitions right and are you happier now. Did you go begging for your partner to get back with you?
ladydesigner Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I've been married for 12 years with no kids. There's some aspects of our partnership that work very well, but about twice a year we get into a big blowout and I really think about ending it and looking for someone more compatible. Our problem to me is in the day to day of life. We don't have much fun sometimes and this makes me think of maybe there's someone more compatible. There's a heaviness to us as she's a very emotional person. Her emotions are out of control sometimes. I'm not perfect either as I can be moody and sometimes negative. So my question is how often do you think about breaking up? Is it time for me to finally just do it? Thanks! I am in the same boat although I have had a lot happen in my marriage including H cheating and myself having a revenge A. You do sound like I did before I embarked on my A and an A is never the right thing to do. I would go to MC if you can and try to resolve some of these issues with a therapist.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Two blowouts a year doesn't sound like a disaster. Marriage, heck relationships in general, have their ups and downs. I believe that the good has to outweigh the bad. Don't feel bad about feeling like you want to end it..sometimes during a bad fight I think even the most compatible couples get frustrated and have feelings of doubt. It's if those feelings are frequent enough that you want to end it everyday. How often do you have these feelings?
Author ohgregorywhy Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Thanks for the responses. They have all been helpful so far. In a way I kind of have these feelings almost every day to different degrees. I'm always curious if there's someone more compatible with me, or maybe just a more functional partner. I feel like I carry more than half the weight of everything whether it be chores, bills or even emotional space. What I'm not sure about is if the problem is me and my expectations.
Ronni_W Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 What I'm not sure about is if the problem is me and my expectations. Most likely some of that. Also your current levels of life and coping skills: assertiveness, communication, conflict resolution, empathy, forgiveness. Which of those do you need to learn or brush-up on? I get that you're feeling unfulfilled, bored, etc. Maybe missing your "reason and purpose". Maybe wondering, "Is this all there is?" Maybe losing hope for "better and brighter" in the future. Trite as it is, all of that stuff really is only available from the inside out. A change of scenery (whether job, partner, adding some kids, whatever) will only be a temporary salve. You'd be applying a band-aid to a wound that needs some serious emergency care and dedicated, long-term rehab. Do you know who YOU are? What are your values? What's your personal philosophy/belief system? What do YOU stand for; what would you give your life for? Do you know what YOU like and dislike? Do you know how to express that clearly and lovingly? How do you handle life's disappointments and upsets? What makes your heart sing? What kinda day makes you fall into bed, deeply contented and just, "Ah, I *love* my life!" ? What are your 'go-to' self-defeating patterns of thinking and behaviour? How do you let yourself down? Which of your flaws and limitations have you NOT yet accepted? I would suggest. Get clear on those types of things about your Self, and THEN decide how well your current lifestyle and partner is encouraging and supporting you to be who you truly are. Working with a therapist can help you find out where you are and where you'd be happiest going next.
hopeful1980 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 This made me smile because sometimes after my husband and I have had a particularly nasty fight, I daydream all night afterwards about leaving him. I wouldn't actually ever do it, it's just my way of silently getting back at him. And sometimes quankanne, yes I do think of a more gruesome alternative to just going to a motel. Posion is my go-to method in my dreams. If ever I plant some oleanders, my husband had better watch out!
riley707 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Thoughts of leaving have been on an exponential increase for the last 5 years. It started out as a little trickle, maybe 1-2x per month. Then more and more. Even when the fighting stopped, it is there constantly. I am so used to it now and never feel guilty about it. Sometimes I reach inside and pat my soul on the back for making itself so obvious to me. THe constant thinking about leaving is a way my body stresses what it needs. Alone, it is harsh. But when the kids are around, it doesn't pop into my head at all. Here is a new one for me. Now when wife talks, she kind of fades off and I can't follow her conversation. I am wondering when I will give in and just get a divorce. I am always amazed at how often this thought is screaming inside of me.
hopeful1980 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 As with the OP--what are the fights actually about? Usually about his ignoring my needs after I have told him repeatedly. Of course it makes him defensive and that's when we have a fight. Not to worry, we always make up.
Author ohgregorywhy Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 In answer to your question about what we argue about, I'd say it's more like we just don't get along so great these days. It's like we are both living in our own words in the house together. In a way we are just being independent, but in another way we are right now just friends/rooomates. We're both tired of working on the relationship and even communicating seems futile. We've had talks and talks and we still always come back to this place and to these same exact talks saying the same exact things to eachother. During our last communication I just got fed up and said "we can sit here and pick apart everything and try to work it out, but we know we've been here before many times. Maybe it just doesn't work? Sometimes things just don't work for whatever reason and you can talk about it for days, but it either works or it doesn't" This didn't help matters at all. I need to either be in or out.
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