Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I'm in sad shape right now, and would like to vent here first before venting to my the wonderful man I'm dating. It will give me the chance to clear my thoughts and help express what needs to be expressed to him. When I was a tween, I read all those silly magazines like Cosmogirl or whatever was out at that time. It was in those magazines that I learned about girls throwing up their meals to stay thin. What a cool idea, I thought, because it was important for me to be thin. I had gained weight when I was 9 and this one bully at school made fun of me. It was then that I began dieting, and I did lose the weight, but I became obsessed. At 12, I finally got the mindset and resolution to do it. I was going to throw up my meals. Since that summer of '94, I've had to battle an eating disorder mentality. It's been over 15 years. The man I am seeing knows I've struggled with an eating disorder (ED), just not sure to what extent perhaps. My eating disorder has been the main cause of our 3.5 year on and off relationship. I grow more and more mature each year, and I've come such a long way. I am happy with life as I see it and feel truly blessed in my life. But I still struggle. I still struggle with my eating disorder mentality. I am 5'3 and weigh 110 pounds. I know I'm not fat, but I obsess over food and my weight to an abnormal degree. Perhaps. This is my problem right now: I feel depressed. I don't nourish my body appropriately. I fast. I'm not rail then because then after days of fasting I'll have days of eating whatever. It all balances out. The point is that I STILL don't have it down. I STILL don't eat well. I STILL obsess over my weight and over food and over my diet. I can't stand it! How can I expect the man I love to love me when I don't love myself? How will I be able to love him as he ought to be loved when I can't even love myself? How can I express this concern to him? What am I obliged to say, or to do? Will he stay with me as I struggle to get healthy?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 (edited) I'm scared because he has kids. If I'm honest about my situation then, and I start talking about this concern, how does this affect us? Can he take me seriously? How could a man allow an ED woman to live in his house, with his kids?? I'm sooo upset. I know I just have to keep getting better, and happen what may. Just hoping someone has experience with this situation or any insight and can help me clear my head. .....This concern always comes up for me in the relationship. I have broken it off before because of this. He still wants to be with me. He understands. I just don't know how to go forward with this anymore, with him. So lost. Edited January 12, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
alphamale Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 This is my problem right now: I feel depressed. I don't nourish my body appropriately. I fast. I'm not rail then because then after days of fasting I'll have days of eating whatever. It all balances out. The point is that I STILL don't have it down. I STILL don't eat well. I STILL obsess over my weight and over food and over my diet. I can't stand it! How can I expect the man I love to love me when I don't love myself? How will I be able to love him as he ought to be loved when I can't even love myself? How can I express this concern to him? What am I obliged to say, or to do? Will he stay with me as I struggle to get healthy? you need to see a Dr. who specializes in ED
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 you need to see a Dr. who specializes in ED Yes, I know I have to. And a nutritionist. And a psychologist as opposed to just my therapist I see. But will he stay with me? I want him to stay with me. I'm trying to figure out how to express this. "T, I still struggle. I'm still working at myself. Will you stay with me as I work through this?" So pathetic. So sad. Must be honest though, as I am sick today and we are suppose to go out tomorrow and I'm worried.
torranceshipman Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 This may or may not help but...did you know that part of your emotional rollercoaster feelings that are causing you to obsess, stress, worry, have anxiety, feel bad about yourself, be irritable, etc, is due to the lack of vitamins, minerals and carbs in your diet? I know there is no quick fix, but it is useful for you to know this (if you didn't already) - the lack of those nutrients is making the ED worse as it is depriving you of things your body needs to regulate your emotions/emotional health, thus leaving you more vulnerable emotionally and more likely to succumb to the ED again. I don't know if there is any way of you taking in these nutrients via multivitamins, etc? I think it might help a bit.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 This may or may not help but...did you know that part of your emotional rollercoaster feelings that are causing you to obsess, stress, worry, have anxiety, feel bad about yourself, be irritable, etc, is due to the lack of vitamins, minerals and carbs in your diet? I know there is no quick fix, but it is useful for you to know this (if you didn't already) - the lack of those nutrients is making the ED worse as it is depriving you of things your body needs to regulate your emotions/emotional health, thus leaving you more vulnerable emotionally and more likely to succumb to the ED again. I don't know if there is any way of you taking in these nutrients via multivitamins, etc? I think it might help a bit. At this point, I need to see a nutritionist. There are lots of consequences to inadequate nutritional intake over a long period of time. We're talking anemia, chest pains and kidney problems. I always feel cold and not so uncommon to feel dizzy or that my body feels fatigue. It's awful, it's stupid and I do it to myself. But it's where I'm at right now. I've literally broken down twice in a week because of this. Because here I am in a relationship that I really, truly cherish yet I am this eating disordered nutrient deficient little freak. ..... had not thought about the emotional rollercoaster today, or this week, being due to my lack of nutrition. I WILL feel better in the next few days, this WILL pass, but just when I am at this point, it's hard. Hard to see the light ahead, hard to see how this relationship will work, hard to accept that he'll love me still, hard to see the future with me in THIS state. I MUST get better.
alphamale Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 But will he stay with me? oh yea he will, don't worry about that
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 oh yea he will, don't worry about that *batting eyelashes* Why, because I'm young and fairly attractive?? Is that all that matters then? Sheesh. He'll be 40 and has two kids. I'm SURE he has serious things to consider about this.... doesn't he? ugh. Maybe I shouldn't say anything then. I AM sick, MIGHT go to the doctor again just to check in. Guess I don't HAVE to keep him updated on all the details unless there's something serious. hmmm
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 So I'm thinking not talking about my ED ever, ever again. ONLY doing what I need to do. On bad days, I'll just say I feel sick but it won't stop me from doing what I need to do. I'm not use to feeling sick or going through all this AND maintaining the relationship. I break it off. ugh. Not this time. Just got to keep going. I'm not dying. It's mostly psychological. So I don't have to talk about it. Zip it. Right?
temple Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I think you should talk about this with the people that you're close to, whether it's your partner or not. EDs are frequently overlooked, right up until it's too late. Don't sweep this under a rug and bottle all your emotions up. Don't pretend it's not a big deal. It's not a crime that this has happened to you, it happens to a lot of people, both male and female. So, you are not alone. You can overcome this. You have made the first step by recognising the problem. The next step is to talk about it with people closest to you. The sooner you do the sooner you'll start to conceptualise this as an obstacle that can be crossed, not an end point.
Johnny M Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 you need to see a Dr. who specializes in ED No she doesn't. What she needs is to start working out instead of throwing up. Nowhere in OP's post did I read anything about her making an effort to control her weight in a healthy way (physical exercise). Bulemia (or whatever they call it these days) is so widespread because puking your guts out takes less effort then committing to regular exercise schedule. 'Eating Disorder' is essentially a weight loss system for the lazy.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 My eating disorder has been the main cause of our 3.5 year on and off relationship. I'm confused. Is this the rare, rare relationship that is based on an eating disorder?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 'Eating Disorder' is essentially a weight loss system for the lazy. hah. That's one way to put it perhaps. I'm not lazy though. I keep myself incredibly busy, too busy, and avoid basic things like eating healthy and working out regularly. It's a mess. I am trying to break that pattern. Should be so easy, right? And that's not my eating disorder having a hard time breaking the pattern. That's the American way, I think, part of our culture. My eating disorder was a coping mechanism when I was young, but now it's just a distraction. A stupid distraction from life. I'm not lazy, but I've not taken the full responsibility and commitment of a healthy life yet. Working on it. Just I have these moments of.... drama. It does help to get these thoughts out of my head though and talk about it. Clears my head and gets other perspectives and new, better thoughts in my head.
alphamale Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 No she doesn't. What she needs is to start working out instead of throwing up. Nowhere in OP's post did I read anything about her making an effort to control her weight in a healthy way (physical exercise). Bulemia (or whatever they call it these days) is so widespread because puking your guts out takes less effort then committing to regular exercise schedule. 'Eating Disorder' is essentially a weight loss system for the lazy. ED is a well documented psychiatric disorder, it doesn't just "go away"
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I'm confused. Is this the rare, rare relationship that is based on an eating disorder? I'm not sure what you mean. No relationship of mine is based on my eating disorder. If you mean is this the guy that I've been in a 3.5 relationship with and have discussed it much here on dear ol' LS.... well, yes. Being in a relationship with me isn't hard to do. It's just.... that I have issues, too. lol
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 I decided to never mention it again. Any complaint I have about my ED is just a complaint, and is a distraction from doing what I need to do. And the fear I have about the relationship and this struggle of mine.... it's an old fear. It stops me from moving forward, from accepting the relationship and moving forward with it. I'm SOOO glad I vented this on here first instead of with him. lol. Made me see how STUPID this is. Can't ever see myself going off about this again. It's one thing to have these thoughts to myself, another to yell them out in a forum. lol. Thanks everyone for your input. I believe I'm ready to let go of the drama and just move on now.
Johnny M Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 hah. That's one way to put it perhaps. I'm not lazy though. I keep myself incredibly busy, too busy, and avoid basic things like eating healthy and working out regularly. It's a mess. I am trying to break that pattern. Should be so easy, right? And that's not my eating disorder having a hard time breaking the pattern. That's the American way, I think, part of our culture. It's always easy to blame someone or something else - Cosmogirl, the kid who made fun of you when you were nine, 'the American way' (). These excuses are so lame, they make me wanna puke (no pun intended). And what it is that you do that you can't devote a few hours a week to physical exercise? Go to any big city gym and you'll find it full of young professionals with crazy work schedule. Unless you are a single mom working two full time jobs, you are not too busy....just too lazy. So quit making excuses and accept that you only have yourself - and your laziness - to blame. The sooner you accept that basic truth, the sooner you'll get on the road to recovery.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Before you worry about whether or not this guy will stay, you need to get yourself healthy. Showing a strong, committed move in the right direction will show you've got it handled. And I'd do it fast, MsJoolie - before you end up hurting or, worse, killing yourself. You need to focus on YOU and you alone if you are to get better.
mammax3 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I admire the way you're handling these comments, Ms Joolie. ED is a coping mechanism, one that worked for you when you were younger, but as you get older you find it's not so helpful. That's the joy of maturing - growing and changing and modifying yourself so you can be as healthy as possible. It can also be classified as an addiction, and a way of garnering control when it's hard to control other aspects of your life. Perhaps it would be helpful to study when you feel the worst - what else is going on in your life? Do you feel strong and successful in other aspects? Are you feeling worried about this partner? Your parents? Your friends or job? It could also be cyclical, based on your hormones and chemicals (often relating to a woman's hormonal/menstrual cycle). Yes, nutrition and self care are important factors, but that's really only band-aid stuff. It's deeper than that. This man obviously cares for you, deeply. I think he's in there for the long haul. That can be scary for people who have been exposed to negative relationships since they don't want to repeat the relationships they've seen, and yet they're not too sure how to avoid them. Bailing out of a relationship (as you've indicated) or being distracted by other problems makes it easier to avoid that intimacy or vulnerability.
dazzle22 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Well, he's been with you close to 4 years, so I am sure he must see some of what is going on. However, I would strongly advise against moving in with him and his kids and taking this to another level if you have an ACTIVE eating disorder. That is a recipe (no pun intended) for total disaster. The one poster is right, that without proper nutrition you will not be able to get your mind functioning properly. But this is a chicken and egg problem since bulemia is not really an EATING disorder, it is an EMOTIONAL disorder manifesting as eating issues.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 It's always easy to blame someone or something else - Cosmogirl, the kid who made fun of you when you were nine, 'the American way' (). These excuses are so lame, they make me wanna puke (no pun intended). And what it is that you do that you can't devote a few hours a week to physical exercise? Go to any big city gym and you'll find it full of young professionals with crazy work schedule. Unless you are a single mom working two full time jobs, you are not too busy....just too lazy. So quit making excuses and accept that you only have yourself - and your laziness - to blame. The sooner you accept that basic truth, the sooner you'll get on the road to recovery. I do appreciate your POV. An ED, and the results of living with one for so long, are more complicated than someone complaining, blaming and being lazy. HOWEVER... I do acknowledge my guilt. Going forward, I do acknowledge that I have no use for complaining or blaming. This is very important to me and I want to acknowledge this. No more blaming or complaining. There is a more productive way to go about things.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Perhaps it would be helpful to study when you feel the worst - what else is going on in your life? Do you feel strong and successful in other aspects? Are you feeling worried about this partner? Your parents? Your friends or job? It could also be cyclical, based on your hormones and chemicals (often relating to a woman's hormonal/menstrual cycle). There is a high amount of stress right now in my life, lots of things going on. I think I broke down this week and am trying to get myself together again. And, yes, it IS that time of month. lol. My menstrual cycle is most likely the reason for most of this, but it does bring to light a lot of the stress and issues I'm dealing with right now. I'm grateful actually. If it weren't for these breakdowns I wouldn't change.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 However, I would strongly advise against moving in with him and his kids and taking this to another level if you have an ACTIVE eating disorder. That is a recipe (no pun intended) for total disaster. I'm realizing how much more active I need to be in regards to my health. I have lots of things going on, everybody does, but my health is a priority. I am ready to make it my priority for real this time, am truly working on it and getting support on that. I just need to do my part now. I know that if I fight this thing, I will win and leave the struggle behind me. I am actively recovering from an ED, and am concerned about how this will affect my romantic relationship but will address it with my therapist next week.
theBrokenMuse Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Bulemia (or whatever they call it these days) is so widespread because puking your guts out takes less effort then committing to regular exercise schedule. 'Eating Disorder' is essentially a weight loss system for the lazy. You do realize that many people with eating disorders exercise constantly. My sister is a recovering anorexic/bulimic and used to work out for four hours every single day. EDs are not about laziness - it's about a warped self-image that creates control issues that are driven by fear. Someone working out isn't going to do diddly squat to help their underlying issues.
bac Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) Do you have anorexia or bulemia? What is your weight/height? How do you know that your health suffers? How does your condition interfere with your functioning/social life? Edited January 13, 2010 by bac
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