morningmoon30 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I have been married to H for 11 years. We have 2 kids in elem school. It's hard to explain our relationship so here is the break down: H leave for work @ 630 am, I get kids up, take dogs out, dress kids, take to school then head to work. I pick the kids up after school take them to dc then off work at 5. Go home do homework with kids, make supper, pick up house, H comes home, we eat, kids get in tub, kids go to bed by 830. H comes home says hi, eats dinner, sits on couch rest of the night watching anything sports related that is on tv.. Mondays he does take out trash and unload the dishwasher 2x a week.. We have no communication or when I think he is listening to me and I stop talking he is still saying "right" uh huh" and if I ask him what I said he really has no clue.. My, excuse me our son will say he hates his father and wishes that he would die and I correct him and say that is NOT what we wish on anyone.. H is kinda mean to him.. Our daughter asked him one day why mommy does all the cooking and cleaning and he said he doesnt like to do it.. I don't get anytime to myself but he gets days where his friends will come over and drink, stay the night and eat our food/beer.. Whatever.. I graduated school two years ago and he said he didnt feel he needed to be there for my graduation, We barley spend time together or have sex because he comes to bed so late and I dont feel that I have to wake up to please him, then he accuses me of cheating.. I dont have time to cheat M/F.. I love this man but at the same time I want out so bad!! I dont want to mess my kids up and I dont want to deal with a nasty divorce.. I have tired counseling for myself and asked him to come with me.. He doesn't see any problem with our marriage.. UGH!! I dont want to go down this road of bashing but I am sooo unhappy that I wish death on myself and have developed panic disorder.. He wants to move us 1600 miles away where I will not know anyone but his sister and we do not get along.. This is my plan, I would like to keep a journal for the next 6 months, the good, the bad and the ugly about our day to day life.. And after 6 months review it. I dont know if this will help me but I want to make sure my mind isn't jarred with only bad thoughts.. Does anyone have any advice for me????
ohgregorywhy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 It seems you can't change him by communicating right now. How about working on yourself to change the patterns you two have gotten yourselves in. Tell him you're going out with friends one night after work and he has to make dinner. Go away on your own for a weekend. Do something to break the pattern. Sometimes action speaks louder than words. It will also make you very happy to get a breather, sounds like you need it!
G-O Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 morningmoon30, Sorry for your problems. I was the same as your husband. I ignored my wifes needs and now she looks at me as a good friend. I desperately want to be back in her life. You need to tell him how you feel and that he needs to change or your out the door. It took that for me to look inside myself and see what I was lacking. Now it could go either way for me. I'm hoping she will give me a second chance to show her how much she really means to me. Keep your head up and I hope things work out for you.
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 morningmoon, you may not like to really hear this, but half the reason he does nothing, is because you've already done it, or are just doing it, because he doesn't. So he lets you. At the risk of sounding mean - you're enabling his hehaviour. He plays his part - but you're playing yours. You really do need to sit down and have a good talk with him, and perhaps the way to bring this to a head - is actually to write him a letter. Pour your heart out to him, but be careful: Do it in a way that not only speaks form the heart, but that is sensible, level-headed, logical and reasoned. Don't speak totally from a place of emotion, or else he may not take you seriously. you have to list the problems. You also have to admit your role in this. But tell him that you are near breaking point, because you don't know how to change yourself, to show him a change in you, to get him to share more in what it means to be a husband and father. Keep the children out of it. you were a couple, and married, before they came along. So it's to do with you two. And only you two can make this family work. Arrange to go away for a weekend. Do something - anything - to get you out of the house, on your own. And leave him the letter, to read. But tell him you both need to communicate more effectively and rekindle the relationship you used to have. Otherwise, you see no option but to carry on drifting apart, until you are so distant form one another, you risk forgetting what the hell you got married for in the first place. Ask him for his help in solving this. Ask him to give an input into making this work. Then, see what happens.....
Author morningmoon30 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you for your replies.. I actually did leave him when the kids were 3 and 1.. Lived away for a year and he promised he would help me out more with everything.. It was nice coming home and him helping me, spending time with the kids, etc.. But it's been different these last few years.. I have wrote him letters before and he will get mad and say "oh not the sh*t again" or he will ask me if I have been unfaithful.. It's pretty lame! I love him so much and am not willing to give up all these years but how do I really tell him when he thinks everything is good.. Yes I am a person that cannot stop "doing".. I have done it before where I have stopped doing everything for weeks and then everything gets turned upside down and I am then considered lazy.. I dont like getting mentally f*cked.. So I guess I will try the letter thing again and hope it works.. Thanks again everyone for your help.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Well, if you tried it before, and it didn't work, then, you're going to have to make some radical decisions: Leave and live without him, and live as you did for that year, but permanently - or stay with him and become reisgned to more of the same-old, same-old. he isn't going to change. he doesn't have to. There isn't a thing he needs to do, because sooner or later, you come round. All he has to do is to play the waiting game. He's fine. it's you that needs a kick up the sitting mechanism.... so really, those are your choices, aren't thsy? Stay and put up/shut up, or go, and live alone - but at least, the way you want to live. It's a toughie, but as I see it, those are your only choices.
imagine Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Marriage Builders say that you need to spend a MINIMUM of 15 hours per week together. You need a marriage councilor to confirm this. Can you get to a MB weekend course?
Author morningmoon30 Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Thanks TaraMaiden~ Your advice is greatly apprishiated!(sorry spelling) and thanks to those how have posted as well..
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