alg24 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 How did you move on from your MM? How long did it take to get over everything? The pain is intense... I wish I could just erase the last two years... He treats me like garbage and but expects me to take him in when the W kicks him out... (They are getting a divorce-- she lets him sleep in guest room sometimes) It just hurts... How do I move on? I am young, he was my first love... The lies, the promises, the everything. It really hurts. What do I do?
temple Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I recommend talking about it with friends and family - speaking about it with people who are close to you can really help. They know the kind of person you are (unlike us) and can target their advice to you as an individual. They will remind you how much more you deserve. I think some of the answer to moving on also lies in your message. "He treats me like garbage" should be enough for you. It'll take some time to look at this objectively, and allow plenty time for that. Do not contact him in this period of time! You need time to yourself.
skywriter Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 alg24, I would say to move on, you first and foremost have to set your mind to it. Make it your key focus everyday, to get through another day without any form of communication with the MM. I would say that you can do this without even notifying him of your plans to do so. This way, he can't pursuade you to do differently. It can be done in small doses so to speak. Use this site for support and to keep focusing on the goal at hand. Have something to always occupy your time. If you can have someone that you an confide in, that is willing to support you in this attempt to end this with the MM. Best wishes.
nama Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I had been with my MM on/off for 5 years. (He was my best friend.) I was unhappy with my life and went to see a therapist. I realised through my sessions that I was with him because he validated me. I was addicted to him because he gave me something no-one else did. Somehow, don't ask me how (!) I worked at myself and realised that I don't need him and we have been NC now for 2 months. I changed my number etc. Can only email him - thats the only form of contact I have now but have no desire. I don't need him. I had tried to break it off many times. This time I am different and I know I won't break it. He was my best friend for 10 years. I suffered for 5 years. No more. The pain is not worth it. You will get through this xxx
torranceshipman Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Honestly, for me it took about a day. Simply because I realized clear as day - for the first time - what a dirty skank he really was, how much he'd been lying to me and to his girlfriend and so forth, so clearly he'd treated me like garage and made a fool of himself in the process too, and I had zero respect for him as a result...and also was mad at myself for letting my boundaries slip (that will never happen again!). Why on earth would I have a hard time getting over that? He's still a stupid joke amongst my friends and I...I was incredibly naive with this guy because we were friends for years and the lines he spun...wow. I have NEVER met a human being that lied that much. So yeah, lucky escape. I can't really understand why so many OW have a hard time getting over their exMM when the guy has thrown them under a bus and proven themselves to be a lying freak.
ladydesigner Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Honestly, for me it took about a day. Simply because I realized clear as day - for the first time - what a dirty skank he really was, how much he'd been lying to me and to his girlfriend and so forth, so clearly he'd treated me like garage and made a fool of himself in the process too, and I had zero respect for him as a result...and also was mad at myself for letting my boundaries slip (that will never happen again!). Why on earth would I have a hard time getting over that? He's still a stupid joke amongst my friends and I...I was incredibly naive with this guy because we were friends for years and the lines he spun...wow. I have NEVER met a human being that lied that much. So yeah, lucky escape. I can't really understand why so many OW have a hard time getting over their exMM when the guy has thrown them under a bus and proven themselves to be a lying freak. Yep exactly how I feel now. it took me 1.5 years to get here but this is how I see my XOM now. I was friends before the A started as well. I think that is the hardest blow because why would a friend lie like that. The bolded part is the one I am having the hardest time dealing with at the moment.
fooled once Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 ((hug)) I hope you are still NOT talking to him. I know it hurts, but you don't need him in your life. He is so abusive to you. Please stay strong. The pain will lessen. You will have other loves and you will one day find out what true love really is. True love doesn't hurt the way he hurt you repeatedly. ((hug))
Author alg24 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 fooled once... You are amazing! We aren't really talking... I have gone NC and then after a little bit break it, but not getting back together... He just really knocks me down and hurts me so bad but then knows how to reel be back in. But I have not gotten back with him.. But the pain is so intense. I am currently living alone which I think is really hard on me... The lonely nights etc. My best friend is coming into town next week for about two months (for work) and she is going to live with me... I think that we truly help things..
silverplanets Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 How did you move on from your MM? How long did it take to get over everything? The pain is intense... I wish I could just erase the last two years... He treats me like garbage and but expects me to take him in when the W kicks him out... (They are getting a divorce-- she lets him sleep in guest room sometimes) It just hurts... How do I move on? I am young, he was my first love... The lies, the promises, the everything. It really hurts. What do I do? Hi Alg24, I am sorry you are in pain and also sorry if this is your first real love experience which makes it doubly cruel. In my experience you do whatever you have to in order to get past it and get YOUR life back. That's why people recommend No Contact- because it stops them dropping their sh*t and drama on YOU. If you can you also have to be strong and fair on how you speak to yourself ... you loved someone and they have lied to you .. but that doesn't make YOU the bad person here. YOU are ok, YOU are good, YOU are fine .. it is HIM with the problems and the way to start getting over it is to be crystal clear about that division in YOUR mind .. - His sh*t, his marriage problems, his insecurity, his lies, his meanignless live .. they are HIS responsibility - your future, your enjoyment of your single life, your strengh, your knowledge of the right way to treat people, your health, your friends, your good life .. they are YOUR responsibilty You are NOT responsible for him (and in fact neither is his wife) so his sh*t is none of your responsibiilty. You sound like you know you're in pain and are thinking it through logically (eg getting friends over) to try and deal with it ... just keep going on this, taking the responsibility for getting yourself over it. And if you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it .. they do happen ! Other posters are right though - he MUST respect your boundries and leave you alone if that is your expressed wish. You might need to state that clearly, without anger or emotion, that his contact with you is unwanted and you wish it to stop. Good luck and well done for not letting him destroy your spirit ... you have a happy, normal life to look forward to .. he has his own miserable lies and the legal obligations of his marriage .. I know whose shoes I'd rather be in
Author alg24 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you. Your so right.. I am trying to be strong, but its very hard. For the last two yrs with this MM things have been a complete upside down ride. For someone that doesn't enjoy drama, I deff. go a lot of it. I want to be done with him, and I really think he has come to the point to that it needs to be over. His life is so out of control and we fight so much that I think he is just tired of "us." But he has this idea that we can be friends. I told him that request is impossible. I need my space and to be left alone to heal. We went three days NC (I know that is not a long time, but trust me for us it is--- we work on hours/days... not weeks and months) His boss was having a BBG for his 17 year old daughter. I am 21 and happen to be friends with the daughter so I got a invite. Well the MM cooked the BBQ, I won't lie I knew he was, but I went with friends and ignored him. We left around 10pm, he called me 12:30am... I was half asleep and I am so use to him having his own rightone, which I deleted, when my phone rang I just grabbed it... Anyway ughh.. I am such a mess.
skywriter Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 alg, You're still on the best path for you, even though you answered your phone. It was good to read you have a friend coming to live with you for a while. That should be of great benefits. Just keep doing what you're doing, one day at a time. LC will lead to NC.
sparkle5821 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 alg, Believe me, time helps so much and you are on the right path. Love is not supposed to hurt, and he is hurting you big time. And trust your gut, your intuition. It is always right. If you're gut says "stay away, this is not fun anymore, it's hurting too much" - it's right. You know the difference when you're happy and when you're not - and you're not happy. I like this quote: "When I ask someone who's grappling with a tough decision what they will do and they pause and reply "I'm not sure"--what's usually going on is they are afraid to admit what thier intuition just told them their decision should be."
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