coley83 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I started dating my ex 7 years ago. He has pretty much been there for the bulk of my twenties. He is also 5 years older than me. We had our problems, fought, but I always tried to compromise and give him what he wanted- to the point of becoming a doormat. He was always quick to dismiss me and he took my feelings for-granted. He has a problem expressing his feelings, but never a problem showing anger. This is always been a issue. However, those maybe negative, we got along majority of the time and had great times together. He is my bestfriend and I love him, I had always known he was the one I wanted and he could never voice that to me. I should've "just known." Flash forward. After months of me telling him what I wanted, nay, needed, fighting over what the other wasn't giving the other, resentment, bouts of jealousy and episodes of control issues. Our relationship had been reduced to rubble. I left. I switched the roles of power, and put myself in the driver's seat, willingly for once. I did it to make a point. And it worked. He is distraught over my departure, beside himself in the pain. I am strong, and thinking, yet still angry. However, he still can not give me what I want, even in his desperation, he can not tell me what I mean to him, if we have ever had a future together, he can not admit it and this is why I left, because I just didn't know. I can't make him have the feelings I want him to have for me. I can't tell him what to do. It seems as if there are several large problems, inability to express emotion, compromise, commit. Followed by a slew of little problems, issues with spending, smoking, life goals, material wants/needs, disagreements over how the house should be decorated (I have no say in this bachelor pad look, yet I've lived there for 7 years). It was always his way or the highway, and that's not fair to me. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for, if it can be saved at this point or not. I think I just need someone to listen. Comments please.
Kizzyfur Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I can't make him have the feelings I want him to have for me. I can't tell him what to do. I don't know what advice you need. You seem to have it figured out, you just haven't realized it yet or you're in denial.
Aslan Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I have had similar problems with commitment (being on both sides), but when I got back after been dumped for not commiting myself, I wasn't able to change. Have suffered the reverse situation as well. I think in the end, it's all down to emotions; if you don't commit it's because you don't feel 100%, and nothing's ever going to change that other than a miracle.
Author coley83 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Kizzyfur- Yeah. I probably am. I don't want to let go out of fear, but I don't want to be there because it sucked. Aslan- Thanks. It's nice to know that perspective from the inside point of view. It's hard, he's hurting and expressing his feelings like I've never seen him do. Yet he won't commit to a change (which as much as that annoys me, it makes me happy, because it won't breed a false hope in my head). I know that change takes longer than what we've been apart. I know better than to go back, lest I'll be moving out again when things go back to the way they were.
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