Author weeble78 Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 It's called a having a hidden agenda. Sometimes the person doing this may not even be aware they're doing it but they won't stop, either. Guys who don't respect women and just want to find someone they can sleep with, or have a relationship with so that they can use and abuse them, will not put up with a woman who creates boundaries. So, he'll either dump you and make you feel like it's your fault, or he'll do this kind of thing again. If he does it again, that will tell you that he's testing you and trying to wear you down. Just remember, he has huge issues with his mother - she treated him badly and abandoned him. I'm guessing he has a lot of anger and distrust toward women. If he has chosen to go down that path, there's nothing you can do to fix him. He is who he is. Men know that when a woman falls in love with them, they can get away with a lot of things. Do not let this happen. But does this mean that he will do this to any woman or is he only doing this to me because he somehow sees I'm a little vulnerable? The reason I ask is I recently got out of an abusive relationship and am very wary not to let this kind of thing happen again. I am determined to be aware of all my new partner's behaviour and not let anything go by the wayside, but more importantly not accept blame on my own shoulders unnecessarily and become apologetic for everything.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 But does this mean that he will do this to any woman or is he only doing this to me because he somehow sees I'm a little vulnerable? The reason I ask is I recently got out of an abusive relationship and am very wary not to let this kind of thing happen again. I am determined to be aware of all my new partner's behaviour and not let anything go by the wayside, but more importantly not accept blame on my own shoulders unnecessarily and become apologetic for everything. Who knows how it is that people who have been abused manage to find the abuser. Who knows how it is that people who were treated with indifference manage to find the person who will be indifferent toward them. But it happens all the time. Yes, there is something about us that attracts certain people to us. He may or may not be abusive or cruel - I don't know. But the signs don't look promising. Maybe it's a way of testing yourself to see if you'll put up with abuse again. Would he do this to anyone? Yes. The end result will depend on whether or not the woman tolerates it. If she doesn't, the relationship will end. If she does, then the abuse will increase over time. It's always your choice.
Author weeble78 Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Gosh that's pretty insightful, and to be honest makes me feel a little better but more wary of this whole thing. I'm a little sad too as it has been very intense. We both feel like we've been drawn to each other and connect on a very deep level, and have both said things to each other that we've never said before. I've had previous relationships but nothing like this - but I guess it's because of this intensity that I'm trying to be careful and talking to you guys brings me back down to earth a little. This guy has brought out so much good in me and has made me sooooo happy over the last two months it makes me feel like crying. I never thought I would ever touch upon anything like this for the rest of my life, and after my last relationship felt like I never deserved to. I hope there's nothing nasty coming to bite me on the ass, but mostly I hope that this time, I'll be able to deal with it in a mature manner and not put up with having myself chipped away at and abused for the next seven years.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Then I say just leave it alone for now. He may be a great guy. I don't know. Give it time. This is why people date instead of getting married right away.
torranceshipman Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Just be wary...you've just come out of an abusive R, you two moved fast and have become very intense very quickly, he is already pushing boundaries a little more than you are comfortable with, and he comes from an abusive family. There are some red flags there that is worth you keeping an eye on.
jmjlove Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Guys Is there anyone there who can give a little advice to somebody head over heels pleeeeeeease? Ok, new guy - been seeing him 2 months, head over heels for him and him for me (yep, we talk about how amazing things are quite a lot with googly eyes). Yesterday he sent me a text saying he was going to come straight over after work and do bad things to me (not way out of the ordinary but a little more forward than I'd have liked). I expressed my distaste, he apologised profusely, asked if he could pop round but I said no, I'd rather chill. He called later on last night and we chatted, but he was pretty quiet about the thing. Forward to today, he emailed me as per usual today, but I felt the tone was a little funny. I got quite a few little snipes with a at the end to indicate a joke. He 'joked' about top 5 things for him in his relationship (he wrote crap like good body, good in the kitchen whereas I wrote stuff like spiritual awareness, kindheartedness etc); he 'joked' that I've 'crushed his spirit'; he 'joked' about siding with my dad who kicked me out when I was 16, called the police on me (for no reason) and got angry with me for having learning disability. In spite of this he decided he would take me out to dinner tonight (which we haven't done properly at a posh restaurant) and bought me some gifts at lunchtime. Quite frankly, by the last set of jokes my patience wore thin so I expressed that I was upset and thought he was out of order, that we should leave chatting about it on email and that I would call him later. He then kept apologising and saying it was jokes and he was winding me up. Am I overreacting to be upset? I feel like he might be kicking back because I was offended yesterday by his rude texts and because I didn't want to see him last night (we weren't supposed to be anyway). I'm not sure how to handle this the right way and am terrified of losing him - please help if you can!!! Thank you if you've read all of this xxxxx I think he may have felt put out by your reaction and is now testing to see how far he can go with his humour. albeit some not very funny to you! I wouldnt take it to heart too much, mens humour is very different to ours, most of the time they dont say these things to hurt or offend, its just a laugh, hope you sort it out x
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