Oh Man!!! First argument with new BF

[weeble78]

Guys

 

Is there anyone there who can give a little advice to somebody head over heels pleeeeeeease?

 

Ok, new guy - been seeing him 2 months, head over heels for him and him for me (yep, we talk about how amazing things are quite a lot with googly eyes).

 

Yesterday he sent me a text saying he was going to come straight over after work and do bad things to me (not way out of the ordinary but a little more forward than I'd have liked). I expressed my distaste, he apologised profusely, asked if he could pop round but I said no, I'd rather chill. He called later on last night and we chatted, but he was pretty quiet about the thing.

 

Forward to today, he emailed me as per usual today, but I felt the tone was a little funny. I got quite a few little snipes with a at the end to indicate a joke. He 'joked' about top 5 things for him in his relationship (he wrote crap like good body, good in the kitchen whereas I wrote stuff like spiritual awareness, kindheartedness etc); he 'joked' that I've 'crushed his spirit'; he 'joked' about siding with my dad who kicked me out when I was 16, called the police on me (for no reason) and got angry with me for having learning disability.

 

In spite of this he decided he would take me out to dinner tonight (which we haven't done properly at a posh restaurant) and bought me some gifts at lunchtime.

 

Quite frankly, by the last set of jokes my patience wore thin so I expressed that I was upset and thought he was out of order, that we should leave chatting about it on email and that I would call him later. He then kept apologising and saying it was jokes and he was winding me up.

 

Am I overreacting to be upset? I feel like he might be kicking back because I was offended yesterday by his rude texts and because I didn't want to see him last night (we weren't supposed to be anyway).

 

I'm not sure how to handle this the right way and am terrified of losing him - please help if you can!!! Thank you if you've read all of this xxxxx

[BookerT]

This guy sounds just like me. I love to joke around, but it's just jokes.

 

The girl I'm dating now loves it when I joke around, push each other's buttons, and we tease, even insult each other. But we know it's not serious and just a joke.

 

Some people don't respond this way to certain humor.

 

If you don't like it then that's an area you're not compatible in. Which means you need to let him know you don't like it, or loosen up and see the funny side.

 

Either way, if you both can't see eye to eye then it won't work out.

[Art_Critic]

This sounds like something that has snowballed into something larger than it should have becuase of how it was handled.

 

First off...

 

After you called him out on his sex talk and after he apologized you then blew him off..

 

Well.. that alone set the tone for what was going to happen next..

 

He then does the insinuation insulting email because you blew him off...

 

He is being immature but ultimately in the end you started it...

 

If he apologized about the language then why did you blow him off if you accepted his apology ?

 

I think you should have a talk with him about it and clear the air.. but honestly when these kinds of things happen this early it is a good sign of incompatibility.

 

It think with your not willing to accept his apology after such a small thing and his immaturity with the way he is taking pokes at you is a bad sign..

 

Good Luck and I hope you work this out with him.. but it will take understanding on both parts to clear the air.

[weeble78]

Ok, well I didn't think I blew him off because I didn't fancy seeing him for sex after he'd offended me with what he said. Also I wasn't supposed to be seeing him last night anyway, I was supposed to be going out with friends. I accept that I should probably have gone to see him and sort things out, but I was worried he might think I'm easy to sleep with if I go round for sex when he's upset me.

 

Secondly I don't think I'm that out of order to be upset when he pokes fun at an incident which he knows hurt me greatly at the time. I ended up homeless and getting abused when I was chucked out of home so it was pretty traumatic. He IS the type to crack jokes a lot etc, but I just don't think it's funny over things like that. I've already accepted his apology and just said I want to talk to him later on. As I said earlier, I think he's just kicking out because he was annoyed with me for yesterday, and I don't think that's fair. I told him if I upset him ever in any way to just say and it'll be fixed.

 

Thanks guys for your opinions - that helps me see things another way massively. I don't want to mess things up in any way at all....

[BWLoca]

This actually reminds me of my last relationship. He was always poking fun at sensitive issues...

 

Eventually, we both got tired of apologizing for being ourselves...

[weeble78]

So does everyone just think we're incompatible and shouldn't be together? I'm so upset this has happened and I'm trying to make everything alright - this guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me and says the same to me. I don't want ot be the one to mess everything up.

[temple]

I don't think it's over, I just think that he didn't necessarily realise the implications of his jokes. That you've told him now is good - he should understand and take more care in the future. If he doesn't...then you know for sure that you're not compatible. Right now I just see his jokes as faux pas, after all he did apologise for them.

[BWLoca]

Guys

 

he 'joked' about siding with my dad who kicked me out when I was 16, called the police on me (for no reason) and got angry with me for having learning disability.

 

 

That makes me think he is not the best thing to ever happen to you.

 

I understand you're working to smooth things out, but is he also doing the same?

[Peter Attis]

Sister, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero!

[weeble78]

That makes me think he is not the best thing to ever happen to you.

 

I understand you're working to smooth things out, but is he also doing the same?

 

Well so far he's apologised a million times, panicked about a hundred, sent me virtual flowers whilst still at his desk, asked me to still go see him etc, which is what I'm going to do in an hour. I'm currently doing my hair and worrying about how all this will go...

[New_Life08]

I go through this too. My bf can make a sexual innuendo out of a window shade. At first it bothered me bc I thought geez how perverted are you? And who else do you talk to like this? But I came to realize that it is how he expresses his desire for me....and I have decided I can live with that! (so long as it is not in front of the kids, or during a serious conversation).

 

In your situation I think you are right to let him know how you feel. He needs to know that your intimacy is sacred to you, and to pervert it makes you feel devalued. However, you may have over-reacted a bit.

 

He doesn't understand this, it is his way of showing you that he is crazy about you. In your situation you punished him twice for the same crime; first by scolding him, then after apologizing you made him pay further by pushing him away. I would bet he sincerely thought he was being romantic, so it probably hurt his feeling to be pushed away... so he retaliated.

 

Just communicate openly with him, I think this can all be cleared up with some good talking and some good loving.

[weeble78]

Thanks New_Life08 , you said some lovely things. I like the advice about solving it with good talking and good loving. I thought he might feel like he was being pushed away and I told him this wasn't so, but tonight I'll tell him I was wrong not to try and sort it out sooner. I hope he realises that he pushed the comments a little too far and genuinely is ok about everything. I hate being the one having to bring up an issue, but I'll only start resenting it if I hadn't have said and he'd have kept on doing it.

[Angel1111]

I think if the two of you just clear the air, everything will be fine. I think your actions were spot on and there's no reason on earth why you should've felt inclined to re-think your actions when he insulted you. I'm actually very impressed with the way you took care of yourself and let him know your boundaries. If more people did this, there would be fewer relationship problems.

 

I'm not overly impressed with his reaction to it, though, especially with bringing up sensitive issues. But you might want to let it go this once, and just let him know that his joking had a slight cruel streak to it. I totally understand off-the-wall joking but it doesn't sound like this is what he was doing. The only thing is, if he does this kind of thing again, you need to take a serious look at who he is. You really don't know him that well after only 2 mos, but I hope everything works out.

[BWLoca]

 

I'm not overly impressed with his reaction to it, though, especially with bringing up sensitive issues. But you might want to let it go this once, and just let him know that his joking had a slight cruel streak to it. I totally understand off-the-wall joking but it doesn't sound like this is what he was doing. The only thing is, if he does this kind of thing again, you need to take a serious look at who he is. You really don't know him that well after only 2 mos, but I hope everything works out.

 

 

Completely agree with this.

[stevejohnson1976]

That makes me think he is not the best thing to ever happen to you.

 

I understand you're working to smooth things out, but is he also doing the same?

 

this^^

 

TOO much joking is a turn off and can complicate a relationship

[Pleco]

Holy crap. You got offended because he talked dirty to you (where is the fun in that??) and then you blew him off because of it? Whatever your REAL reasons for blowing him off were, you have to understand how HE saw it. He saw it as you being very overly offended at something that was meant to be playful.

 

He is probably pushing your buttons now just to see how much of a stick in the mud you really are. I don't blame him!

 

Chill the frick out, people.

[Angel1111]

Holy crap. You got offended because he talked dirty to you (where is the fun in that??) and then you blew him off because of it? Whatever your REAL reasons for blowing him off were, you have to understand how HE saw it. He saw it as you being very overly offended at something that was meant to be playful.

 

He is probably pushing your buttons now just to see how much of a stick in the mud you really are. I don't blame him!

 

Chill the frick out, people.

 

Having fun or not, there is a line that can be crossed that goes over into the land of total disrespect. Everyone has their limits and if it offended her, that's all he needs to know. I've had guys talk playfully and then there's a kind of talk that makes you feel like he thinks he's talking to a whore. This is not how a woman wants to feel.

[New Again]

Guys

 

Is there anyone there who can give a little advice to somebody head over heels pleeeeeeease?

 

Ok, new guy - been seeing him 2 months, head over heels for him and him for me (yep, we talk about how amazing things are quite a lot with googly eyes).

 

Yesterday he sent me a text saying he was going to come straight over after work and do bad things to me (not way out of the ordinary but a little more forward than I'd have liked). I expressed my distaste, he apologised profusely, asked if he could pop round but I said no, I'd rather chill. He called later on last night and we chatted, but he was pretty quiet about the thing.

 

Forward to today, he emailed me as per usual today, but I felt the tone was a little funny. I got quite a few little snipes with a at the end to indicate a joke. He 'joked' about top 5 things for him in his relationship (he wrote crap like good body, good in the kitchen whereas I wrote stuff like spiritual awareness, kindheartedness etc); he 'joked' that I've 'crushed his spirit'; he 'joked' about siding with my dad who kicked me out when I was 16, called the police on me (for no reason) and got angry with me for having learning disability.

 

In spite of this he decided he would take me out to dinner tonight (which we haven't done properly at a posh restaurant) and bought me some gifts at lunchtime.

 

Quite frankly, by the last set of jokes my patience wore thin so I expressed that I was upset and thought he was out of order, that we should leave chatting about it on email and that I would call him later. He then kept apologising and saying it was jokes and he was winding me up.

 

Am I overreacting to be upset? I feel like he might be kicking back because I was offended yesterday by his rude texts and because I didn't want to see him last night (we weren't supposed to be anyway).

 

I'm not sure how to handle this the right way and am terrified of losing him - please help if you can!!! Thank you if you've read all of this xxxxx

"Joking" about those things is extremely poor taste on his part.

[weeble78]

Ok, so what happened after my last post is I turned up at his and we went upstairs to talk. I said that I interpreted his emails that day as retaliation for him being upset about me not wanting to hang out with him the evening before. He looked immensely surprised and insisted it was just joking but he could see how it had upset me and he misjudged just how far he could go.

 

His mother was very cruel to him when he was young and he also left home at a young age - I turned the sentence into one about me thinking what his mother did was hilarious and I think he got the picture.

 

I then said to him that if he's ever upset he can talk to me about anything, and that I could understand him being upset if he'd wanted to see me the night before and I didn't want to see him. I then said that it would have been nicer for him to explain this rather than taking little digs at me, and ending up being spiteful. I explained that I feel this is not a kind way to treat people if you're hurt about something, and I don't want people in my life who think it's ok to kick out if you're upset.

 

Basically we agreed to chat more often, but he says he now doesn't know where the boundaries are for dirty talk/sex, and he feels a little uncomfortable. We both played hooky from work yesterday together and I still sensed he was trying to push boundaries by asking for sexual things more often than he would normally, to try and test me.

 

In other words, it feels a little odd. But we had a great day and great evening wrapped up in each other, however I'm nervous about what people have said about us not being compatible. Mainly because just before this happened, I realised I have fallen in love with him and now I'm worried that this might affect things

[Angel1111]

Any decent, mature guy would've realized what he did and that would've been the end of it. I think his words about how he doesn't know where the line is, is just baloney. It's a subtle way of putting the blame back on you and saying, 'hey, you screwed up and now I don't know what to think.' He strikes me as being immature.

 

I think he gave you a huge insight into his mind by telling you about his mother. He grew up with cruelty and that seems to be what he's prone to himself. Be very careful with people like this. Despite their sad stories of childhood, they can screw up your life. If I remember your story right, you've only known him for a couple of months - so just remember that you can't really know a person in that amount of time. I know the time with him so far has seemed intense, but still, in the great scheme of things, you don't really know him. If you continue to see signs of inappropriate behavior and cruelty, whether you love him or not isn't relevant. You don't want to be with someone like that.

 

I have a friend who says that she has to go through all the seasons of the year with a guy before she will make a decision about his character. In my opinion, you have some misgivings that you don't want to look at because of your feelings for him. Please don't let that cloud reality. Just take a wait-and-see attitude and be willing to walk away if he repeats this behavior.

Edited January 14, 2010 by Angel1111

[weeble78]

Thanks for that advice Angel1111, I'm trying very hard to keep my head about me and be sensible at the moment.

 

I agree that what he said was baloney and it would have been nice for him to admit it, but I felt like he was embarrassed. I feel like I embarrassed him when he wanted to see me and I didn't, and I feel like he was embarrassed by his actions and so didn't want to fully admit to them.

 

It's nice having feedback of a sensible nature from you guys when my heart is screaming at me to head over to his and just tell him how much I feel for him. I wish I could take back not going over his house, but then it's given me another side to him, one I didn't think would be there.

 

I spoke to a friend about it earlier, and she said to forgive this time, but be careful about it happening again and if it does, then it should be looked at in a different light.

 

He was lovely last night though - he bought me a book I knew I'd love and took me out for dinner and to a funky bar after for cocktails. Part of me says it's just money, but I like that he was trying to make up for things.

[Angel1111]

I spoke to a friend about it earlier, and she said to forgive this time, but be careful about it happening again and if it does, then it should be looked at in a different light.

 

He was lovely last night though - he bought me a book I knew I'd love and took me out for dinner and to a funky bar after for cocktails. Part of me says it's just money, but I like that he was trying to make up for things.

 

Making up for things is great but it won't make up for anything if he does this again. I completely agree with what your friend said. Just let it ride for now and see what happens. And stop acting like you did something wrong. You didn't. You just raised your value in his eyes because you stood your ground. If it didn't have that effect on him, then he has a differrent agenda. Do not ever let a man push you around, go against your priciples, or anything else. You might want to read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches". The title is a spoof and it's not meant to be taken literally but the book has invaluable information in it. You'll see why what you did was perfect in terms of showing him that your standards and self-respect come first.

[weeble78]

Angel1111, what do you mean that he has a different agenda?

[New Again]

He was lovely last night though - he bought me a book I knew I'd love and took me out for dinner and to a funky bar after for cocktails. Part of me says it's just money, but I like that he was trying to make up for things.

The only way he needs to or should make up for anything is by never ever doing it again.

 

I am always wary of men who "make up" for bad behavior with gifts, fancy and romantic dates, trips, etc. My first thoughts, free association style and in the order I had them are: immaturity, insecurity, abusive.

 

Be VERY watchful that he does not repeat this behavior. If he does, get out immediately. Don't invest more time in him and the relationship.

[Angel1111]

Angel1111, what do you mean that he has a different agenda?

 

It's called a having a hidden agenda. Sometimes the person doing this may not even be aware they're doing it but they won't stop, either. Guys who don't respect women and just want to find someone they can sleep with, or have a relationship with so that they can use and abuse them, will not put up with a woman who creates boundaries. So, he'll either dump you and make you feel like it's your fault, or he'll do this kind of thing again.

 

If he does it again, that will tell you that he's testing you and trying to wear you down. Just remember, he has huge issues with his mother - she treated him badly and abandoned him. I'm guessing he has a lot of anger and distrust toward women. If he has chosen to go down that path, there's nothing you can do to fix him. He is who he is. Men know that when a woman falls in love with them, they can get away with a lot of things. Do not let this happen.