Maybeitsjustme Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Me and my partner have had a very rocky 2 years but have tried to put it all behind us, at the time I 'd think she was behaving strangly but we were going to live seperately and continuing being BF and GF (her resentment of my children being the main cause). Anyway it got to the point where I just couldn't hide it any longer and even though we were giving it a go and boy its been great since (with both made compromises and its been as good as it gets) I had to confront her (yes I know I should have bided my time) One of the areas that I picked up on was a name that sounded like a name you would have on a dating site allong with cropped pictures just showing her. I was give 3 reasons before we got to the truth an msn address to chat to a relative. I found history of a dating website on her pc she said yes i have looked but never registered she even mentioned the funny ps on there, i searched you can see pics unless you register. I did some more digging and there was other stuff which some would say is coincidence ie 6 hours shopping trips with very little shopping! etc. It got to the point where it really got me down and at now point did I get a compasionate "I love you but you have to trust me" kind of repsonse it was more "Look I haven't been up to anything stop looking for stuff" "and even if I had been with someone I wouldn't tell you anyway it would help us" I got to the point where I was in pieces and before I went to a Doctor I asked specifically if she was particular member on the website, she scoffed and said "i have never been register on the site never contacted anyone you must believe me and stop this now" a confession would have proved to me I wasnt being paranoid!. I magine my surprise! when I found out (we know we shouldnt do it but when you're desperate!) that she had had the msn account for the same length of time as the account with the dating site and had an extremely well written profile on the site and had dozens of favorite buddies!. When confronted she looked mortified she said the msn account was to chat to a relative but she had it for a year before she had her first chat ! and she had a VERY nice picture of herself on there. The dating site ? profile yes I filled it in because you have to (i joined to see if she was on the site and didnt fill anything in!) dozens of buddies? well yes "just people i like the look of! I didn't contact ANYONE" and the final thing a buddle of bank statements with 3 months worth that had been shreaded! (just happens to be the minimum subscription time!. The dating site has been closed down and at the point when I confronted her she also deleted her history on her work lap as a security update aslo and explorer update and "because I don't like being spied on". but the next history item was the dating site!!! so i guess she was checked that she had deleted her account successfully!!! I do love this woman and today thinking of being without her I have been in tears she is lovely but I cannot tolerate being taken for a fool and think my only coarse of action is to end it. She says she never msg them or met or slept with any of them but to be honest I just don''t believe her. What do I do????????? Thank you
imagine Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 You need trust to build up a relationship. Will she do a polygraph test? Can you build up the relationship if she says "No Polygraph"?
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 No she wouldn't she lost the plot when I questioned her about the dating site and msn issue (only for this to be proved correct!)
Bryanp Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions indicate that she has no problem lying to your face. In addition, she has problems with your children. It is time to move on and find someone who does not lie to you. From what you have written it seems like she could be a player.
lkjh Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 dude she was registered on a dating site, that alone answers your question
lostsunsets Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Have to agree with the others. Dump her. You know in your gut she is a cheat. Her lies confirm it. Find someone who will be true.
seibert253 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 dude she was registered on a dating site, that alone answers your question If it walks like a duck and it quacks, guess what? I'm truly sorry, she's a liar and a very bad one at that. You deserve better. Run Forest, Run.
on1wheel Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Run do not away from this person!!! She has betrayed you, lied to you & probably more than you know. She will walk all over you if you continue to let her. She is not in-love with you. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but as I have read elsewhere "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn't" I have been where you are twice in my life, gave both women another chance, both continued to cheat. Cheaters will never stop, as they are horribly selfish people that care only for themselves. They are just not to be trusted...period. Find someone more like you ASAP. Do it before you 2 have a child together. Good luck.
StarChick Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I agree with the others. My biggest concern, personally, would be her resentment of your kids. You can just use the rest of the proof as validation that this relationship needs to end. If anyone resented my kid one IOTA...wow. No way. Wouldn't fly. I'm glad you made appropriate steps. Now finish it.
on1wheel Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Forgot to add...women cheat just as much (if not more) than men now. Recent studies (as well as my own experiences) have shown that over 80% of all divorces are now either caused or innitiated by women; with most citing cheating as the cause. Women of this millenium are the men of the 70ks it seems. They cheat just because they can...pathetic. "Do unto others as you would have done to you". If everyone followed this truly simple philosophy, then there would be sooooo much less sorrow in the world. But alas, we seem to be living in truly selfish times. I wish you luck. Cheers.
Space Ritual Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 OP, read this little paragraph I have for you and I think you will know the answer. All the advice you have gotten is pretty much all you need. Just wanted to sum it up for you in case you still have any doubts. Your Partner is on Strike 3 already....Dump her When considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Thank you to everyone for your help. We were on the point of breaking up and if we could have sold our house we would have lived seperately and it would have fizzled out. I dont have a problem with the dating website or the msn addy or even the possibilty of a fling but what i really didnt like (and causes me much much greater concern) is the lies. the children issue is resolved, she has non and has effectively taken mine on. I am going to give it ago the reson being she is still here and she doesn't have to be, we had a very frank discussion the other evening and she wants to be with me she has no ties keep her here (we've resolved the house issue) and when its good its fantastic. My concern and as much as I try it will never go away is the whole trust/lies thing im a very upfront kinda guy and if it goes belly up the the future it will be that and that alone that does it. thank you once again for your advice and you are all probably right but I say again things were really bad at times over the last two years and i wouldn't blame here for anything (boy i was tempted myself!) things were bad and as she said i was planning a future without you.
StarChick Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Well, all the best (and all the luck) to you, then!
jmargel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Unless she gets counseling then nothing will change. She has not faced any consequences for her behavior. So you yelled at her, whoopie. In one ear and out the other. I know this type of woman, because I married one. They will tell you what you want to hear, they are extremely good at deceiving. You don't want to believe a person can be like this, but she has those personality traits. Does this make her a bad person? Not necessarily but you have to understand that you will most likely always feel like a 'safety net' to her. You will always be playing detective. All the information you found out was by snooping. Consider to do it the rest of your relationship with her. What this does is break the bond between you two. How can you get close and have an intimiate relationship when she is not showing true commitment? When she continues to lie and deceive then it's a major issue. What about the issue with your children? Please go into that some. If she is rejecting your children that is another major flag. When you confront someone on cheating and they get upset, mad, try to label you as 'crazy' or that you are 'paranoid' then it is just about a given that they are in fact cheating. Go with your instinct on what is happening. Your 'discussion' to her didn't mean anything. She will continue to do what she is doing, maybe not for another couple of months but it will happen. You see the issue isn't with you or the children. The issue is with her dysfunctional personality usually brought up by a bad childhood or something of that nature. And until that issue is resolved you will continue to be faced with new situations regarding her truthfulness and her commitment to you. She needs to face the root cause of her problems. Don't force her but let her know that if she doesn't get counseling starting this month it's over. Start living with confidence know that you can have a great life without her. Set strict boundaries and enforce the consequence if she crosses them. Start making decisions with your life, stop waiting for her to lead you around by your nuts again. Continue to tolerate her behavior and expect more of it. Actions, not words. You my friend are in what they call a 'Parent-Child' relationship with your wife.
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Very sound advice I have been thinking that today myself. Things were vbad but and we are trying making work my issue is more about the lying and making me so paranoid and ultimately ill. I had other clues to a brief fling and when she says I must believe her that there was no one I as much as I want too I can't because of the fact she lied to me about such a major thing. Its the lying that has I think done the most damage. If anything went on I I can barely call it cheating as we had at that point sold our house and were weeks away from moving out. But it could still have gone on for a few weeks/months after we decided to stay together but most of the "clues" were around that period, which I guess is when you would expect someone to meet someone. The children issue has been cleared up but she has none and she was jealous of the attention I gave mine and felt marginalised etc etc (yes as I parent I don't understand it either!!!). In summary as much as I love this woman I will try and forget it but Im really not sure I will ever get over it and I am now being moaned at because I can "just leave it as its in the past" "stop bringing it up" etc etc. I thing a fling was had I'm 95% sure maybe 100%. if I didn't know a thing it would be better but to see so many clues and be told "its all in your head nothing happened" is so frustrating.
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