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Boyfriend (fiance to be) cheated, multiple times.. What now?

Eva-K

By Eva-K
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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I love my boyfriend like I've never loved a person before and I know he loves me the same BUT....

 

.. In his past he knew a girl, she was a good friend of his and he was insecure and everything. He fell for this girl and she didn't love him back, she was really his first crush.

 

When she turned him down distance grew between them and they hadn't talked for a few years when in May they bumped into one another on the street. He said he felt rejected by her when they met, just like in the past. I, stupid as I was, encouraged him to meet this girl again so he could close off this part of his past.

 

In June they set up the meeting. He came back and I had a feeling something had changed and indeed, he had gotten feelings for this girl again. He had kissed her and she told him some loving things and talked about it so proudly.. Well you can imagine how hurtful that felt to me..

 

I cried for a few days, he first didn't understand, like most men. He was just proud and later when he knew I had been crying for 3 days he offered to have an open relationship. He really didn't get what hurt me so much. After 5 days however he started apologising and saying he understood and he wouldn't do it again.

 

I gave him a second chance..

 

Fast Forward to August, I came back from my holidays in Italy. I had a feeling again, so I asked him 'did you meet her again'. The answer was yes. He said sorry many times and he explained that because of his health and me being away he needed someone to talk to and he knew no one but her. Well I didn't buy this so I broke up with him. However I couldn't be without him. Love makes people so weak, me anyway. So I got back to him saying if he'd ever do it again I'd leave him.

 

Fast forward again, to December. I asked him 'Did you meet her more than twice?' His answer was 'Does it really matter, it's over now'. Of course I pressed the case, and his answer was 'yes 4 times over the course of 4 months':eek:. I left him right then, saying I never wanted to talk to him again. I was devastated.

Two days later I got back to him however, and we talked, he said he had been crying so much and I'm the love of his life, he understood what he did wrong and he was so sorry. He swore to God he wouldn't cheat again.

 

Now, January, I'm still not over it, I don't know what to do. I'm so in love, he has asked me if I want to be his wife, but I don't know what to do. Probably you will all say dump him, and sincerely I tried to leave him but, love, oh stupid love..

 

So I have such mixed feelings, I love him, but I can't trust him, or can I? Since he swore he wouldn't cheat again..

 

I need some help...

Edited by Eva-K
Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
I need some help...

 

You need a backbone. You aren't giving him any reason to respect you, so it is no surprise he does not. You don't screw around on people you love either, so it is also unlikely he loves you. You might be missing out on a relationship with someone who might actually treat you right while you are letting this putz walk all over you and expose your health to risks you aren't even given the courtesy of being aware of.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted

you're still not over it? Listen, it takes YEARS to get over betrayal. It doesn't just go away

 

You cannot marry someone you don't trust. If he wants to be with you that bad, ask him to get into some couples therapy.

 

Working on trust issues can only be done when the liar admits to his issues.

 

He sounds emotionally immature

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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you're still not over it? Listen, it takes YEARS to get over betrayal. It doesn't just go away

 

You cannot marry someone you don't trust. If he wants to be with you that bad, ask him to get into some couples therapy.

 

Working on trust issues can only be done when the liar admits to his issues.

 

He sounds emotionally immature

 

Thank you for your reply , I know it doesn't just go away. He has admitted to his issues... but how do we work on them now?

 

Couples therapy will be hard because for the upcoming period he will be quite some miles away...

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
Couples therapy will be hard because for the upcoming period he will be quite some miles away...

 

From the sounds of things, basic faithfulness will be hard for him as well for the same reason.

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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From the sounds of things, basic faithfulness will be hard for him as well for the same reason.

 

I think it won't happen again. He explained it was out of fear and some other things that are not issues anymore now. It's really not a matter that.. he will do it again, I think, it's just.. trusting him.. that's hard.

 

Sometimes I think he may do it again, or I think that he wouldn't tell me if something big happened, although rationally, I don't think he will do it again. He told this one girl about me and she was shocked, I don't think he would cheat with another girl, or even with her again. He says if he thinks of it he just feels regret and sorrow for what he's done.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
although rationally, I don't think he will do it again.

 

Rationally? You sure about that? Sounds like you WANT to believe the crap he is feeding you, but the evidence at hand (or what you have presented so far) does not lead to a logical conclusion that his actions will cease.

 

He did something, therefor proving his capacity and willingness to do it.

He did not lose you, proving he can get away with it.

Unless I read wrong, he then did it again and got away with it again.

 

Where in this pattern of events is there any reason to believe he won't do it AGAIN, fully expecting to get away with it a third (or second, if I did indeed read things wrong) time? It doesn't really matter what his explanations were. Words are easy to manufacture. The true measure of a person is in what they do, not what they say.

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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Where in this pattern of events is there any reason to believe he won't do it AGAIN, fully expecting to get away with it a third (or second, if I did indeed read things wrong) time? It doesn't really matter what his explanations were. Words are easy to manufacture. The true measure of a person is in what they do, not what they say.

 

Youre right I want to believe it too, but well he swore to God, which is a big thing to him. He is very religious. This makes me believe that he won't do it again. Is this rational or am I finding reasons to believe him?

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

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you're looking for reasons to make the relationship the way it had been at first. But it's not possible ...

 

look, if you two are serious about things, you're going to have to get help and you're going to have to address the issue. Until you are guaranteed by him that he isn't going to pull this crap again, you'll have doubts and rightfully so.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
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Youre right I want to believe it too, but well he swore to God, which is a big thing to him. He is very religious. This makes me believe that he won't do it again. Is this rational or am I finding reasons to believe him?

 

He'll say anything he has to in order to get you to believe him. You are giving his word far more credit than it deserves.

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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Thank you very much for your replies. You are right..

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

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Thank you very much for your replies. You are right..

 

It is probably a small comfort, but I've been cheated on my share of times as well, so I have a decent idea of what you may be feeling right now. No one deserves to have this happen to them, and I am sorry it did to you.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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Calmly give him the engagement ring back and encourage him to resolve his issues with his past 'crush', whom I assume he was never intimate with, and then, perhaps after a year or so, contact you.

 

IMO, you should not reward his present behavior by your continued presence.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
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OM good G...

 

Two days later I got back to him however, and we talked, he said he had been crying so much and I'm the love of his life, he understood what he did wrong and he was so sorry. He swore to God he wouldn't cheat again.

 

Now, January, I'm still not over it, I don't know what to do. I'm so in love, he has asked me if I want to be his wife, but I don't know what to do. Probably you will all say dump him, and sincerely I tried to leave him but, love, oh stupid love..

 

So I have such mixed feelings, I love him, but I can't trust him, or can I? Since he swore he wouldn't cheat again..

 

I need some help...

 

-----------------------

 

Yep.. he will cheat over and over and over and over again...

WHY????? because he knows you'll take him back each time.. he just need to cry and say he's sorry and swear he won't do it again...

how easy is that!!!

 

No but.. really... girl.. listen to you... you're heading into disaster..

 

Of course, he wants to marry you.. so it will become more difficult for you to leave...

 

This guy is and will always be a Master Manipulator (aka MM)...

 

I know that, no matter what we suggest, advise, etc... you won't leave him.. cause you're too weak (your words) to leave him.. you will learn to suffer in silence until you can't take it anymore... and THEN...you might have to suffer along with a few kids... :rolleyes:

 

Go ahead.. marry him! :rolleyes: you love him too much... :rolleyes:

I honestly feel sorry for you... :o

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

Posted
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OM good G...

 

Two days later I got back to him however, and we talked, he said he had been crying so much and I'm the love of his life, he understood what he did wrong and he was so sorry. He swore to God he wouldn't cheat again.

 

Now, January, I'm still not over it, I don't know what to do. I'm so in love, he has asked me if I want to be his wife, but I don't know what to do. Probably you will all say dump him, and sincerely I tried to leave him but, love, oh stupid love..

 

So I have such mixed feelings, I love him, but I can't trust him, or can I? Since he swore he wouldn't cheat again..

 

I need some help...

 

-----------------------

 

Yep.. he will cheat over and over and over and over again...

WHY????? because he knows you'll take him back each time.. he just need to cry and say he's sorry and swear he won't do it again...

how easy is that!!!

 

No but.. really... girl.. listen to you... you're heading into disaster..

 

Of course, he wants to marry you.. so it will become more difficult for you to leave...

 

This guy is and will always be a Master Manipulator (aka MM)...

 

I know that, no matter what we suggest, advise, etc... you won't leave him.. cause you're too weak (your words) to leave him.. you will learn to suffer in silence until you can't take it anymore... and THEN...you might have to suffer along with a few kids... :rolleyes:

 

Go ahead.. marry him! :rolleyes: you love him too much... :rolleyes:

I honestly feel sorry for you... :o

 

Thank you for your reply, even if it was sarcastic. Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been cheated on when you are in love? I guess not if you respond like this.

Trust me it breaks you..

 

And actually, I will leave him. Thanks again.

make me believe Established Member

make me believe

Posted
Posted

Oh gosh.. I hope you mean it when you say you'll leave him. Lizzie is right, he will just keep cheating on you because he KNOWS he can get away with it by shedding a few tears and making a few soppy statements. He may love being with you (I'm sure you're a cool girl, and unfortunately you've shown him that he can treat you poorly and you'll put up with it..), but he has shown that he doesn't love YOU because he has no respect for you!!

 

He cheated on you once and apparently had no remorse because he went and did it again THREE MORE TIMES. And he did it "because of his health" one time and "out of fear" the other times? So...it was completely out of his control? NO, it wasn't. It had nothing to do with whatever issues he, or the two of you, had. It had everything to do with his lack of respect for you & your relationship. And I don't believe for a second that he's truly changed. You deserve SOO much better!!

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
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Eva, I've been in love. And my ex off 11 yrs and the guy after him both cheated.

Both of these men I could have bet my LIFE they would not cheat and they did!

 

And they lied and lied and denied and denied!

 

If I could go back, I would have went to therapy alone, told them I needed time to think and then made them work for my trust.

 

Keep in mind, HE did something wrong, not YOU!

 

If you let him off easy, he's going to cheat over and over. Trust me, you're broken now, you'll be near DEAD in a few more year of living with mistrust

It's a cancer of the soul

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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Thanks to everyone for their replies, I will really leave him. You helped me 'see sense'.

 

But; how do I get over all this?

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

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Posted
But; how do I get over all this?

 

If you do things the way I did them when I was exposed to the situation, you use logic. Simply put, not everyone is like that. You got a bad one this time, so try to find a good one.

 

Not every has that kind of mind though, so the other option is probably equally simple. Time.

Skump Established Member

Skump

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I cried for a few days, he first didn't understand, like most men.

 

Actually, I'm confident most men aren't that retarded.

 

Move on.

RedDevil66 Established Member

RedDevil66

Posted
Posted
Thanks to everyone for their replies, I will really leave him. You helped me 'see sense'.

 

But; how do I get over all this?

 

It's not easy to move on and it takes a lot of strength, but it takes A LOT more strength to mistrust.

 

The first thing you do is cry. Cry and then cry some more. Have a pity party and then you call friend/family. Go out with friends, even though you feel like dying, you force yourself.

Work out, eat well, sleep well and write in a journal

Go to therapy if you have to

 

The worst things you can do, is get drunk or high or sleep with other men. This will make you feel worse.

 

Read books, rent movies.

 

It's a process but in a few months, you'll be fine

 

 

good luck

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Eva-K New Member

Eva-K

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Thank you all.

Well crying I already did, I will definitely start keeping a journal and I will try to call friends and family in a few days. Now I really don't feel up to it yet, I dont think I will then either, but I will force myself then, yeah. Therapy will be a good idea too, I think, but I will see about that in some time.

 

I broke up with him. It was definitely tough, at first when I asked him to leave, he wouldn't even go but I just couldn't have him around long. It was hard not to give in to his pleads, but it's over now... pfu.

 

Any suggestions for books or movies? Maybe some movies I can relate to, and have a good cry with, or books or movies that will help me recover?

Edited by Eva-K
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