TheColorOfStone Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I'm on a couple of different dating websites. In my profile, I explicitly state that I am looking for friends (this being a foundation to all things anyway). I get 10-25 emails a day, most of them commenting on the profile and wanting to chat, etc. By the way, I'm in my 50's. My problem is, basically, if I engage in any email communications I'm quickly given a phone number, asked to IM, talk on the phone, date, etc and I'm reluctant to do so because in the few times I did meet somebody, there wasn't chemistry and I found it very difficult to disappoint the other person and didn't want to let them down. I've been there. I absolutely cannot stand hurting others, even though I try to convey that they're isn't a reason to continue with frequent communications in the most gentle way I can. But I know I'm hurting them. Drives me crazy! Guys tend to fall for me very easily and so I won't even consider meeting someone unless I have at least 5 or so very good reasons that I want to meet them. As you can see, I'm very picky - to the point where I've only actually gone on about 2-3 dates in the last several months (whereas I get over a hundred emails a week). I am aware that rejection is all a part of the dating process, but each time I reject them it's just as painful for me as it is them. Most recently, I was met this guy online and we went out for a lunch date. He was a very nice guy but I didn't feel any chemistry. After a few days I let him know I was only looking to be friends and he was very hurt by this. Even now I feel guilty and want to somehow mend it. What can I do to somehow make it okay for me to just go out and date and not worry about rejecting these guys?
sparkle Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 If you're up front with them about your intentions, that you're just looking for a friend and are not looking for a date, then at least you've put it out there, and can't beat yourself too much about whether they may fall for you or not. I've never used a dating site so I'm not quite sure of this, but are these sites primarily for people looking to date? Maybe you're on the wrong site? Unless they have a "seeking platonic relationship" only section or something...you may want to be quite clear in your dating profile about this.
Author TheColorOfStone Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Thanks for your reply. The websites I'm on do have a preference option for friends and though not many people use that, I put myself in that category. And my profile is very upfront about seeking like-minded friends. I would of course love to find a long-term relationship but find that by stating so, I get so many offers for dates, invites to talk, even a few marriage proposals! Inevitably, whenever I have consented to IM or speak to someone they think, or hope, anyway, that I'm now they're girl: texting me at wake-up time with "How did you sleep?" and "What are you doing today?" and on and on. I'm glad to spoke with them initially because it helped me discern whether or not there was an attraction but it seems to set a precedent where now they want to be in touch several times a day. Isn't there a protocol for this sort of thing? Is there a better way to handle this than what I am doing? Just for data, I'm not a 20-year-old. I'm a divorced mother in my 50s. I look like I'm in my 30s (not just my opinion but by the gasps I get when men first see my profile and email me). So I guess I'm probably what you'd call a cougar (I just heard that word for the first time this year) and I get messages from guys in their 20s and 30s. My photos are not risque or revealing at all. Just regular pix. I just can't tell who to proceed with to the next step for fear of having to spend hours, days or weeks to gently break the news to someone that there's just no spark between us--at least from my side. Ouch! I hate being let down in that way, based on the couple times in the last few years when I actually found someone I wanted to pursue but couldn't get them. Ouch! Rather than be a victim of that, I decided to take a look at whether or not I was doing that to others and--you know--take responsibility for it. Figured that would better my karma. Lo and behold, I found that I was a constant, inadvertent heart breaker. Does anyone know how I can correct this in myself so that I'm not creating this effect on others (men)? I'm really sensitive to it. I can feel it and see it and there must be a way out of this as I engage in the process of looking for the man I seek. Would be very interested in any opinions from men on this as well...
stace79 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I know exactly how you feel. I'm also on a dating site, and I despise having to tell someone I'm not interested. And you're right, there are a surprising number of men who are so desperate for a relationship that they start texting or calling far too frequently. I had one who worked nights and would drive me nuts texting or calling while I was in the middle of my work day! You really do just have to practice honesty and then letting go. I'm getting good at it now, because I was engaged last year and broke it off with my fiance. He was really crushed, and I kept wanting to call to "see how he was doing". But I finally realized that these men we break up with will have to turn to someone else, as we have nothing to say or do that will make them feel better. It is hard, and I think it's commendable to be uncomfortable causing pain to others, but we also have to be honest. And in the long run it's far more cruel dragging things out than being up front and "ripping the Bandaid off quickly" so to speak.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 What can I do to somehow make it okay for me to just go out and date and not worry about rejecting these guys? You make it explicitly clear that it's not a date but just hanging out for coffee or what not and that if there is mutual interest you can take it from there. Honestly if you're that worried about hurting someone's feelings (MEN can handle it, BOYS can not) then stop going out with men from dating sites and just talk to people you meet out in town or through social activities that you like.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 And you're right, there are a surprising number of men who are so desperate for a relationship that they start texting or calling far too frequently. That's funny. I got "chastised" by the last girl I dated because I did not call or text "enough" - haha. You crazy gals! It is hard, and I think it's commendable to be uncomfortable causing pain to others, I'm sorry but I disagree. You're not causing pain. These men are setting up their own expectations and it's not your fault or anyone elses if there is no chemistry and you walk away. That's THEIR problem, not yours. but we also have to be honest. And in the long run it's far more cruel dragging things out than being up front and "ripping the Bandaid off quickly" so to speak. I totally agree that you need to say NO right away if that is what you feel, I just disagree that you should feel guilty about it.
alphamale Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 What can I do to somehow make it okay for me to just go out and date and not worry about rejecting these guys? most guys expect rejection so don't worry about it
stace79 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 That's funny. I got "chastised" by the last girl I dated because I did not call or text "enough" - haha. You crazy gals! I'm sorry but I disagree. You're not causing pain. These men are setting up their own expectations and it's not your fault or anyone elses if there is no chemistry and you walk away. That's THEIR problem, not yours. I totally agree that you need to say NO right away if that is what you feel, I just disagree that you should feel guilty about it. I think I was supposed to be born Italian Catholic or something. I feel horribly guilty whenever I break up with anyone. Like the OP, not sure how to "solve" that issue other than just doing what needs to be done, and focusing on moving on. I guess maybe it stems from having been hurt badly myself. Who knows? As for texting too much or not enough, I think it's relative to how much you like someone. If I'm totally into a guy, I want to hear from him all the time. If I'm just lukewarm, texts and calls become annoying.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I think I was supposed to be born Italian Catholic or something. I feel horribly guilty whenever I break up with anyone. Like the OP, not sure how to "solve" that issue other than just doing what needs to be done, and focusing on moving on. I guess maybe it stems from having been hurt badly myself. Who knows? As for texting too much or not enough, I think it's relative to how much you like someone. If I'm totally into a guy, I want to hear from him all the time. If I'm just lukewarm, texts and calls become annoying. Understood but in this case it's not a "break up" it's just a "hang out and see" sort of thing. There should be no lofty expectations. If they are, then it's the person setting up expectations that is going to be disappointed. I go on dates with no expectation other than trying to get to know who she is and having fun. If it progresses from there, great. If not, no big deal. There are far too many fish in the sea to sweat the ones who aren't interested in you.
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