Emotional24 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I'm not sure if this is where I should post but here it goes... First, is there a difference between loving someone and being IN love? I am currently hanging out with my ex( we have dated on and off...3 times to be exact over the course of 10years...broken up for issues that have actually been resolved)...anyways, I am wanting to take things slow. He has everything I look for in a relationship...except for 1 thing...same beliefs in God...I am a christian and he is open-minded to the possibility of being a Christian but as of right now, he is attending church with me which I am happy with. But my main issue is this...I'm not feeling the same attraction I did 10 years ago with him. I use to be googly-eyed over him. Since then he has gained weight and loss some hair...BUT I am still attracted to him in other ways! I catch my self thinking of him all the time and seeing him with me as I go through things I hope for down the road...he's my best friend but I think I'm missing that "Firsts" feeling...can I get over this? I seem shallow when I think about the better looking guys out there that may catch my eye but then I do have to remind myself that no guy can ever have what my ex & I have. And I know everyone, myself included will age and not always look our greatest...go "downhill" but its the love and how strong that is over the years that counts. I hate feeling like there may be something better out there for me but then I find myself feeling the way I do about my ex...do this mean i'm not IN love with him? Is what I'm "seeking" that first intense attraction fade over time and what's left is what counts? Either its just "lust" or an actual meaningful relationship... I use to be ok thinking of him finding another and wanting him to be happy, even if its not with me...but now the thought of him with someone else is starting to strike a nerve in me again...like, he's mine kinda thing. He wants to be with me and wants to work on things...but I'm scared to commit it seems?? Or I'm just missing those "firsts" and that new excitement with someone...but I keep telling myself that my ex and I still have many new things to come down the road if we go somewhere with this... ugh! why so complicated???
aerogurl87 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 The "in lust" part of love that is always apparent from the start of a relationship does not last forever. So yes, it's normal to go from feeling google eyed over him to thinking "he's awesome, not like angelic, Greek god awesome anymore, but still awesome". When people can move from the first crazy stage of love into the stable, secure part, then that's where great marriages and relationships are born. If you can still look at him and think to yourself that your lucky to have him then go for it. The "in lust" part of love does not last forever.
Oh Moe Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 The "in lust" part of love that is always apparent from the start of a relationship does not last forever. The "in lust" part of love does not last forever. No it doesn't but it can be relived and brought back occasionally to remind you why you are still with each other and in love. I believe it has to be done once in a while here and there. A weekend in the cabin or even a hotel just the two of you time for only the two of you. My nickels worth.
Author Emotional24 Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 So I talked to my ex who I've been hanging out with about my feelings from the beginning and that I do want to take things slow... Well its only been 2 days since we've cut back on talking and I find myself thinking of him and getting butterflies thinking about him and laughing to myself over our funny moments we have shared....I know I love him and can see a future with him... So what is my problem? When I look into his eyes, my heart gets warm....but then when I think about his weight and how much I wish he'd take better care of himself, it turns me away...and then I start to think that I could be with someone better looking....but he is handsome to me...so what gives? Its almost like I'm more worried about what others think about us being together so many times before and then for being with someone they dont find attraction...I know it shouldnt matter to them... I dated a guy after him & I ended it last time...purely physical attraction...we had a lot of fun together but other than that...just lust...but I want that lust that attraction with my ex again! I still work with this guy I dated after my ex so when I see him, it reminds me in a way of what I'm missing in that aspect...I only see him once every other week and am only there for a few more months so no biggie...right? Also, my ex kinda reminds me of my dad?? physically in a minimal way...my dad died at the age of 41 when I was 12...so I see myself making that association between my dad and my ex with him not taking care of himself in fear that he will die at a young age too...does that seem crazy??? Maybe deep down I am turning myself away from my ex to avoid that possibility...which I know is far fetched.... Then when I meet a guy who is a christian and doing good works for God with volunteering and part of a bible study group/youth group, it melts my heart! I wish my ex was a man of God...but I'm also proud that he is at least open-minded to the possibility of becoming a christian and going to church with me...although there is no guarantee he will become one someday... do i just walk away, avoiding getting us both in this mess or do I try yet again, go slow and possibly still hurt him again...I dont want to do that but I also cant guarantee I am 100% sure I can be in another relationship right now... I think about what if he told me he didnt want to be with me and i can feel myself ready to cry when before I didnt think I would....so I must care!?
sheithappens Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 how long did your relationship last (the guy that was pure physical attraction ) if you dont mind me asking?
Author Emotional24 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 only a few months...and 80% of that time we were back and forth on being together because he was so F@#** up in the head and kept playing mind games with me, telling me things he thought I wanted to hear...but still wasn't over his ex, who he is actually back with...literally day after I told him I was done....so yea...was just physical attraction. He has nothing I look for in an actual relationship and anything to meet my needs... what I have with my ex is...but I dont know what my problem is...its like I'm in love with the way my ex use to look like but then I still love him especially for who he is now.
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Do your really think that married people still have that "first" feeling for each other. It is inevitable that you will fall out of being "in love". People fail to realize that love is deeper than being "in love". That's what being in love evolves into. In love is temporary
Author Emotional24 Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I can see that... I woke up this morning and just like that, my head is clear...I know what I want. I've been praying and looking for some way to rid my conflicted heart...then bam, it all seems so clear to me. I love him. I want to be with him and spend my life showing him how much. I want to make him happy...and I'm happy! My thought process of wishing he looked like he use to is not there anymore...instead of wondering what else is out there and if it'd be better, I'm feeling this is MY guy...I am lucky to have him With our long history, its okay for me to be thinking down the road with marriage and all and this is who I want by my side. My best friend. The chemistry is still there and we are finding ways to bring the "spice" back...and all the aspects I look for in a relationship are there. Of course the differences in faith isn't there. He is uncertain there is a God...I am not uncertain. I believe there is. But I'm able to accept that he is uncertain. Id rather have that and that possibility he may be sure there is rather than be close minded to it and believe in no such thing. I am aware this may never happen and am aware this will make things harder for us possibly but we do communicate and love eachother so although it'll be a struggle, I am willing to work at it Also, as a christian, I believe loving someone for who they are as a person is very important. Yes, I know we are not to associate ourselves with non-believers because that could stray us away from God, but as a Christian, I will continue to follow my beliefs and influence our kids if we have em (my guy is ok with this and will be there with us at church). I guess I find it ignorant to walk away from someone you love who is unsure of their faith...just to make yourself feel less conflicted. Does that make sense? I dont know...these are just my thoughts. There may be days where it'll affect me more than others, but thats when we will talk it out. So that is where I am at...
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