Afraid I May Waver

[Luckyluss]

Happy New Year to you all.

 

Here I am back on LS after a while.

 

I broke up w/my MM in November. The bad moments for me outweighed the good. At every fork in the road, the choice he made was towards his his wife, despite pleas to the contrary. One day I got sick of it all and told him to leave me alone until he was separated.

 

I felt proud of myself for having made the only sound decision for my self esteem and sanity, but I felt shattered ever since. Dating plenty but with a frozen heart.

 

Fast forward to now.

 

We have been in NC for almost 2 months. I believe he got back in town this week after holidays spent with his family back home. He may contact me as he's coming back alone for a couple of weeks, or he may not. In any case, the toughest for me will be not to reach out to my phone or email, or to stay casual if he reaches out.

 

Before the holidays, I was somehow able not to reach out, by telling myself he would come back to me. Now, with almost 2 months of NC under my belt, I see he's not back and may never be, but I keep on hoping. He had said he was going to make a decision at the end of the year - right about now. For me it's like if he was lost at sea: not knowing if he is gone forever or he will be back. Without the hope it's just too sad. I know he'll end up divorced but it may not be when I'm still around. I also know good things happen to other people, there are so many divorces, these new divorcees go somewhere... I miss him terribly and I'm sick of not seeing the end of this pain I'm in.

 

Thanks to all those who recommended NC. But I'm afraid I may waver.

[Fallen Angel]

If NC is what you need, then block him now, before he makes contact. Block his numbers, and his emails etc. Remember, NC is a way for you to heal, make yourself the priority. You are the only one who can put yourself first, he obviously isn't! ((Hugs))

[fooled once]

Please stay strong.

 

Your mental health isn't worth breaking NC over.

 

He is going to continue to feed you "promises" and you will continue to get your heart broken.

 

Don't go back to being his mistress. Stand firm that you will NOT play 2nd fiddle to anyone again.

 

Good luck!

[Luckyluss]

As I was writing this post, Ireceived an email from him wishing me happy new year. No mention of separation. it sent me into a tailspin. To answer? Or not? What? Confront him?

Part of me feels like saying, so, how are things with your marriage? why are you contacting me when I told you to stay away?

Just too tough.

I'm waiting another day before saying anything at all, and I'm sweating bullets. Serves me right....

[WhereToGoFromHere]

As I was writing this post, Ireceived an email from him wishing me happy new year. No mention of separation. it sent me into a tailspin. To answer? Or not? What? Confront him?

Part of me feels like saying, so, how are things with your marriage? why are you contacting me when I told you to stay away?

Just too tough.

I'm waiting another day before saying anything at all, and I'm sweating bullets. Serves me right....

 

I know of the tail spin... I've had my share of those recently....I as well as others know how you feel. It sucks. I will say 2 months NC is quite an accomplishment and you should be proud of that. I would suggest that since you've made it that long, no sense stopping now. I'd say don't respond at all. He'll get the hint. And just block him from other attempts. I know you want more information. I know how the anxiety is killing you. I know. Its so painful. But you've made so much progress. Don't let go now. Fight a little longer, okay?

[Luckyluss]

Thanks WhereToGoFromHere and other Ls'ers. You exactly got how I feel. I have to keep on a brave face for my 2 kids. Inside i just want to disappear. I'm not wishing this on my worst enemy.

 

Maybe if I'm strong enough and don't answer he'll get the picture. No contact unless he separates. Just as I stated 2 months ago. That simple...

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Thanks WhereToGoFromHere and other Ls'ers. You exactly got how I feel. I have to keep on a brave face for my 2 kids. Inside i just want to disappear. I'm not wishing this on my worst enemy.

 

Maybe if I'm strong enough and don't answer he'll get the picture. No contact unless he separates. Just as I stated 2 months ago. That simple...

 

Yes, I get that way too.. I just want to climb under a rock. Its hard and I've said the same thing about not wishing that on my worst enemy. I get it. Yes NC...just keep focusing on that. Post here when you feel a wave of weekness.

[silverplanets]

LL .. if you are at 2 months then you are SO close to being in a better place ... don't give up on youself now !!!

 

He's just fishing to try and reel you in without worrying about the hurt and disruption it might cause to your life.

 

I'm going to my 4th month serious NC now ... first two I perhaps wasn;'t sure if I meant it and checked email far too much ... they did try and contact me and I resisted and that kind of got me to then next level ..

 

Demonstrating to myself that I respected and valued myself enough NOT to get invovled again was the key to starting to feel better in NC I think.

 

Good luck, you're worth it !

Chris

[Luckyluss]

I read many of your posts. You're a wise soul.

Yes I know he's fishing. I hope he could have been man enough to just say, thinking of you, miss you, still in the same place. I'm not answering just now. But I'm dying to know where he's at. And I'm in pain. 2 months almosts is a lot. You say 4 months and still suffering? I have ways to go. Do they ever come back? Will my silence accomplish anything at all?

Thanks though.

[Austen]

You could email him back two sentences:

 

"Are you separated yet? If not, then DO NOT contact me until you are--THEN we can talk."

 

If he doesn't respond you'll have your answer. Stay strong...it's like an alcoholic or drug addict. You're having a weak moment. Work through it--it WILL pass and better days are ahead. Hang in there!

[Luckyluss]

I like this. Will try it tomorrow and will keep you posted:)

[Austen]

I like this. Will try it tomorrow and will keep you posted:)

 

I'll check back

But if he responds and is not separated--then DON'T reply back to him!!!!!

[Luckyluss]

Thanks Austen. This is what I needed. Short and to the point....my heart skips a beat just thinking I sent it but I know it's the action I was looking for. More to come.... or not. Phew!!!!!!!

[Luckyluss]

Then I'll have my answer....which i kinda know in advance but at least I was true to myself and my heart. Thanks again:D Only the truth shall survive!

[temple]

Good luck, Luckyluss and keep us posted

[jwi71]

What a farce.

 

LL...at least OWN that you want this to continue. Admit it to yourself.

 

I'm sorry but re-read your first post in this thread. That you "know" he is leaning towards his W. That EVERY action indicates that. That you are afraid "if" (ha...we all know its a when) he contacts you - you "might" (will) reply.

 

Now what will you do if he replies to your "don't contact me" email? Perhaps start another thread then reply? Come on, get real.

 

If you WANTED NC you would BE NC.

You BLOCK his email.

You BLOCK his phone.

You PREVENT the contact.

You would have NO NEED to contact him REGARDLESS if he contacts you.

He ALREADY knows what you WANT and NEED from him.

 

You don't WANT NC. Its really that simple. If you did...he COULDN'T reach you.

 

Own it. Admit it. Accept it.

 

Good luck...you KNOW what happens next...

[Fallen Angel]

What a farce.

 

LL...at least OWN that you want this to continue. Admit it to yourself.

 

I'm sorry but re-read your first post in this thread. That you "know" he is leaning towards his W. That EVERY action indicates that. That you are afraid "if" (ha...we all know its a when) he contacts you - you "might" (will) reply.

 

Now what will you do if he replies to your "don't contact me" email? Perhaps start another thread then reply? Come on, get real.

 

If you WANTED NC you would BE NC.

You BLOCK his email.

You BLOCK his phone.

You PREVENT the contact.

You would have NO NEED to contact him REGARDLESS if he contacts you.

He ALREADY knows what you WANT and NEED from him.

 

You don't WANT NC. Its really that simple. If you did...he COULDN'T reach you.

 

Own it. Admit it. Accept it.

 

Good luck...you KNOW what happens next...

 

jwi,

 

I get where you are coming from, but I also see the OP really WANTING to WANT to go NC.

 

When I first came to LS I was poked, prodded, and pushed towards NC, relentlessly! There were times when I was really considering doing it, but really, it was because i felt so much presure from others, not because it was what I REALLY wanted. I have since decided that I will do what I want, when I want, on my schedule, when I decide it is what is best for me, what I can live with, etc. It has taken the burden off of my shoulders, and allowed me some peace. I KNOW I will not spend the rest of my life as an OW, but for NOW, it is where I want to be... kind of .

 

As to going total NC, Lucky will come to that place when she is ready, and not a moment before. But we should support her efforts, tainted though they may seem to us.

[silverplanets]

I read many of your posts. You're a wise soul.

Yes I know he's fishing. I hope he could have been man enough to just say, thinking of you, miss you, still in the same place. I'm not answering just now. But I'm dying to know where he's at. And I'm in pain. 2 months almosts is a lot. You say 4 months and still suffering? I have ways to go. Do they ever come back? Will my silence accomplish anything at all?

Thanks though.

 

Thanks Lucy .. I woudldn't say wise .. just sadly been where you are (also been a WS so have a little insight into what I felt then as well).

 

I know, that feeling of dying to know .. just to know ... it's kind of hard to explain .. are they doing anyything, what have the said/not said, how is it on a daily basis ...

 

The good news is that the first two months was the worst (so far) but even in that my head felt clearer, my body stopped having stress reactions and (which may sound odd) even though I wasn't particularly vested in NC at that stage I could tell it was having a beneficial effect on me.

 

Do they ever come back? Mine did repeatedly .. after 5 years, after 1 year, after another couple of years .. did they ever sort out their issues/take action in that time .. no, unfortunately they didn't.

 

First of all NC was just a way of saving me, nowadays even though I occasionally have a weak moment/day I am NC so that I can live my life to the full and enjoy it. They are welcome to det D'd, spend some time in therapy sorting their issues out and if they can convince me that they are not a repeat liar then maybe we can be friends and then maybe that will progress.

 

What I won't ever be again is rushed into a timetable that means I cannot make my assessment of their suitability as a partner ... at the end of the day I have a duty (to my daughter if nothing else) to look after my life and not let people into it who will make me unhappy.

 

Will the silence accomplish anything. In my experience this time it will .. it will bring you back to life (as a person) and allow you to disengage from their hold over you .. and eventually it will allow YOU to make an assessment about their suitablity as a partner rather than feeling that you have no say in it.

 

My view now is that I do (did?) love them but that does not mean that they were necessarily going to put my happiness and my future as their main priority even if they did D.

 

In fact (I am a the point) where I can rather acknowledge that they wouldn't.

 

So why (if I love myself) would I throw away my future to someone who doesn't make me their priority ????

 

It's taken me a while to get here though !

 

Perhaps the most telling answer ... if you asked me NOW would I take them back then honestly the answer is no ... as they are/were right now they are no good for me. If they can D, spend sufficient time to heal over it, be alone for a bit and learn to live by truth not lies AND it turns out that they ARE the person they originally presented to me then as I said, maybe a normal relationship path would develop ... not sure though .. as nowadays I think they'd be just as demanding even without the excuse of being married.

 

I think this should be all about YOU and not them. You mind, body, soul is probably craving them (I know mine was) but is there a little voice somewhere in side of you that says "enough" this is not me and someone who loves me should NOT be hurting me???

 

If it was me I would probably make a deal with myself to do something in 3 weeks time that I';ve always wanted to do (eg visit a city I've always fancied going to) but ONLY if I didn't contact them.

 

Ok, it's a bit like a mind game with yourself, but then you ARE fighting yourself ... the bit of you that wants to contact is using all it's resources to tempt you to do so ... so how about giving the bit of you that wants to look after you a potential reward for doing so ...

 

For me it worked (and still does) ... I have had something booked every 3 weeks for the last 2 months .. it's created a real positive feedback cycle .

 

They can always D, sort themselves out and contact me if they want .. but in the meantime I've done some great things.

 

mmm .. now I sound loopy rather than wise!

 

Good luck LL ... you are worth it!

[silverplanets]

jwi,

 

I get where you are coming from, but I also see the OP really WANTING to WANT to go NC.

 

Angel - Hadn't thought of it this way but you are right. Going NC is not the same as WANTING to go NC ...

[jwi71]

jwi,

 

I get where you are coming from, but I also see the OP really WANTING to WANT to go NC.

 

I used to browbeat on NC. Ok, who am I kidding, I still do

But only when I think - as judged by the poster's words - that she is READY for it.

 

For LL...she clearly isn't. And that's ok.

 

But I want her to clearly articulate what she wants to me, you and all of LS. Most importantly...to say it to herself (own it). And for her to do THAT...she must FIRST decide what she wants...and no bullshyte or trying to please "the crowd". Own what she wants and THEN she can get guidance and help here and elsewhere.

 

When I first came to LS I was poked, prodded, and pushed towards NC, relentlessly! There were times when I was really considering doing it, but really, it was because i felt so much presure from others, not because it was what I REALLY wanted. I have since decided that I will do what I want, when I want, on my schedule, when I decide it is what is best for me, what I can live with, etc. It has taken the burden off of my shoulders, and allowed me some peace. I KNOW I will not spend the rest of my life as an OW, but for NOW, it is where I want to be... kind of .

 

Now to T/J

I was going to ask but I know...are you ok? Or mostly ok?

I'd like an update thread from you...ahem...ahem...

And I'm glad YOU made your decision and own it...I have no judgement against that.

(of course you can pretty much guess what I'll say in your update thread...or maybe not...I surprise myself sometimes)

 

As to going total NC, Lucky will come to that place when she is ready, and not a moment before. But we should support her efforts, tainted though they may seem to us.

 

Yup...we actually agree but have different ways of getting there.

[fooled once]

How are you doing today LL? ((hug))

 

IF he responds, and he probably will, please don't respond.

[Luckyluss]

Thank you for the support, all.

 

Austen, you gave me good words for what to send.

He hasn't answered me which means he is not separated and was just fishing. I think he got the message and won't recontact me any time soon.

 

To answer jwi71: what do I want?

 

Ideally I want my man back and spearated.

 

Short of that, I prefer to no see him or speak to him even though I'm dying to know what is up with him.

 

I know some of you are die-hards NC but I'm not.

And NC is only one way of getting there, it is not a dogma to me.

IMHO I've acted consitently with my desire not to be second best and have reiterated this to him twice in 2 months.

 

Fooled Once: I'm a little better now that I answered his mail restating my expectation. Now that I know he's not coming back, all I have to do is grieve.

[Austen]

Thank you for the support, all.

 

Austen, you gave me good words for what to send.

He hasn't answered me which means he is not separated and was just fishing. I think he got the message and won't recontact me any time soon.

 

To answer jwi71: what do I want?

 

Ideally I want my man back and spearated.

 

Short of that, I prefer to no see him or speak to him even though I'm dying to know what is up with him.

 

I know some of you are die-hards NC but I'm not.

And NC is only one way of getting there, it is not a dogma to me.

IMHO I've acted consitently with my desire not to be second best and have reiterated this to him twice in 2 months.

 

Fooled Once: I'm a little better now that I answered his mail restating my expectation. Now that I know he's not coming back, all I have to do is grieve.

 

 

It's difficult, I know, and you're not grieving alone. Mine ended this past weekend, and now he's trying to jeopardize my job on top of it (he will fail miserably).

And I realize that it's not him I miss. I miss the idea I had formed of him in my head--of who he was, not who he really is. And I miss the thought of what might have been if only...but then I come back to reality and it's clear to me that my hopes were based on lies and on a person who wasn't what he claimed to be. So it will hurt for a while, but it will get easier.

[Luckyluss]

It's difficult, I know, and you're not grieving alone. Mine ended this past weekend, and now he's trying to jeopardize my job on top of it (he will fail miserably).

And I realize that it's not him I miss. I miss the idea I had formed of him in my head--of who he was, not who he really is. And I miss the thought of what might have been if only...but then I come back to reality and it's clear to me that my hopes were based on lies and on a person who wasn't what he claimed to be. So it will hurt for a while, but it will get easier.

 

Damn right. I understand what you mean, Austen. Or I think I do.

 

As for me, I really believed him when he said he would end his M, not for me because simply it was unbearable. He was depressed, in pain, sleeping on the floor...Who would settle for a life like that?

 

Especially after he had met a woman - me - who he claimed gave him faith back in experiencing love, understanding, fun and pleasure in a relationship. Everything he wanted in someone I had it, he said.

 

His actions told another story, that of someone who was terrified of his wife and would submit to all sorts of humilations and a lifetime of unhappiness for fear she'd take their child back overseas. That of a man, even though a brilliant in his work, couldn't take care of himself properly, and couldn't work out terms for a separation he claimed he wanted.

 

This is not who I met 6 months ago. Serves me right for believing him.

 

 

I'm sick of being sad. I do it all by the book, friends, dates, classes, keep busy, examine my motives, enjoying being alone for a while but I still miss him. Stuck to my guns in refusing to engate with him. And for what?

 

The pain and the longing, even the hope are not going away.