9 months of heartbreak. , first time poster

[hero112]

Hello Loveshack,

 

I have been reading these forums for months! I've followed caliguys no contact guide and read very good replys from taramaiden and gray clouds and all the other amazing members of this forum.

 

This is my first post so bare with me while I tell you my story. I met this girl in April of last year, and we dated for about a month and a half. Everything was perfect as it could be, we both come from two different cultures I'm east Indian and she's caucasion which we both don't have a problem with. I wanted to be completely honest with her and I told her that it would be an issue with my parents but when the time came we would deal with it. She kept worrying what are we going to do each time we met up, she basically wanted a place that we could chill together but I couldn't take her back to my place. Her mom is going through depression for the past 2 years and before she would never bring it up and all of a sudden she would blame her mom for everything going wrong in her life. She said that she didn't feel passion in our kiss and that it's just not the right time for two people to come together.

 

I went to panic mode, sent her some emotional emails telling her how much I care about her, and that I'm here for her. She ignored a couple of messages and when I would call her on if we should get back together she would say she doesn't have an answer right now & that are problems still exists. My parents approval, I told her my, Love precedes my families approval, & she was just dwelling on how her life has been on standstill for the past few months that nothing has changed (This was in november) I've told her that it's over and I need to move on 2 times now and always after that she trys to make more contact with me & I give in. As soon as we started dating she told me to not allow her push me away because her mom did that to her dad and he kept coming back and they've been married for over 25 years.

 

I haven't seen her for a few months & I went NC on her for the past month and a half after she ignored my message (I asked her of she was working as I was going to be at her work and she neevr replied back) Since then she has called me twice. sent me, are you coming to my work anytime soon? & a merry Xmas text message. It was very hard to ignore those messages but I did. I know we only dated for a short period of time but I still really care for her. There hasn't been a day that she hasn't crossed my mind. I read loveshack everyday to know that I'm not the only one having this feeling. But ive tried it all, I sent her chocolates, a gift she always wanted, emotional emails from the heart. I said and done everything from the heart and still she wouldnt give me a answer. I don't know what to do? Should I continue NC? I never told her I loved her either but I didnt feel that it was the right time as it was only a short period of time. We are both 23 and she was the first girl that I fell in love with so it makes it even harder. This was my first serious relationship and I saw this to be a long term relationship. She had mentioned to me that we were never bf/gf and that we were just friends but we made out and did other things and I felt that we were more. Thanks for reading, any help would be appreciated!

Edited January 12, 2010 by hero112

[LovelyDaze]

Hello, hero112

 

I am sorry that you are feeling down about your breakup. Being that it's your first serious relationship, I am afraid to tell you that you will have a few more relationships before you get it exactly right.

 

The world of dating is all about trail and error. This is your trial right here.

 

You were with one of the types that just didn't want to make an actual commitment by putting you in the "friend zone" but treating you occasionally like a boyfriend. It's like being in limbo and you didn't necessarily volunteer for it...you just fell in love.

 

If she has decided to keep you as a friend only, then you have no choice but to go NC again and keep it that way. You will only get hurt deeper(and trust me, you can hurt WORSE) if you stick around while you wait to see if she will want you back or not. That is giving another person too much power. If you really must, ask her if she wants to give it another go or not. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know...

[hero112]

Thank you lonelydaze,

 

I agree with the power issue and giving that to her. I have been no contact with her for over 6 weeks now. I haven't heard from her since I ignored her merry Christmas text. I don't know what's going through her mind, I feel better than I was after going no contact but I keep saying to myself when will she contact me again. I will not contact her no matter what. I feel that she will come around but I keep questioning myself do I want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't know it's a horrible feeling living like this everyday

[whoawhoawhoa]

i know men,it sucks,it's worst than quiting cigarrets,u have to find things to do,get rid of all the pics,get involve in things to do

[Zeegagge]

I feel bad for you, I know it hurts. Especially it being your first love. I remember losing my first love and it was painful. It does get better though and each time you build yourself up stronger. Hang in there, and you are definitely not alone.

[hero112]

I come here everyday and read a post and it just boggles my mind about how selfish people can be. I am a very honest, and I always speak from the heart, I have no regrets on what I have done to try to get her back. I cant keep anything in my heart, I dont even have any ill feelings towards her but I just wish she was more straight up.

 

I know that only dating for a short period but I find that we moved very quickly and the first time in my life I saw a future with her. I think that the more you set goals and think about the future your setting yourself up for failure. I just dont know I wish that all the pain would just go away.

[Wicker_Parked]

you have too move on, dont make the error of confession your love, sending her gifts or accidently running into her on purpose. Dont you see when you are not giving her the attention she craves she comes back to you, then you respond by going too much in her direction. You have to be strong, do no contact and stand your ground.

Its seems like it is time to let this one go, it was a short relationship. If she is saying you two were not going out it may hurt but its how she feels, you cant go thinking that you were, because it takes two to think so...Dont buy her any more gifts and your young and have plenty of time to find another

[hero112]

Ahh.. Its very hard when you care so much about a person. I have no given her any gifts or even try to run into her. She works for a sports event company that I have season tickets for, thats why I had messaged her to ask her if she was going to work that day. After she ignored that message & I saw her at the game in november I just felt so disrespcted that I went NC since. I just keep thinking about her and when shes going to contact again. I dont have any urges to contact her & even tho I know in the back of my mind that im done with her it still feels so hard for some reason. When does this pain go away?

[gaudi]

Ahh.. Its very hard when you care so much about a person.

 

When does this pain go away?

 

 

I guess it does go away, but it can usually be very gradual. Think of it like tiny little pieces of your heart glue themselves back together every day. It can take a while, but the important thing is, YOU DO HEAL.

 

NC is the best way to go because it's the key to faster healing. Getting in touch with the girl, sometimes even just seeing her or even hearing about her can cause you to have to start again. And that includes the gluing back together of all the little pieces.

 

STAY NC, it's working for me.

[hero112]

thank you Gardi, how long has it been for yourself?

[gaudi]

I was with my girl for 2 years, we broke up in november. I did the usual begging/pleading/telling her what she's doing wrong.

 

I have now been in NC since 13 December (ooh a whole month tomorrow)

 

She sent me a merry xmas text on christmas day, to which I replied.

And last week she sent me some pictures I had asked for a while ago. I just sent a quick e-mail of thanks.

But I don't see either of these as proper contact.

[hero112]

AlexandraW- Thank you, I am strong now because she gave me no choice. I tried everything to get back with her, but when is enough enough? She said that sometimes its not the right time for two to come together.. But when is it ever? I believe that theres ups and downs in all relationships if you cant stick together now when will we ever? I have mojored in business and I explained to her, any problems you face by yourself are always harder lets do the match 100% deal with yourself or we both take them on 50/50 and work together as a team it makes life so much easier. I am not that experienced in relationships but I feel that if you work together in any situation whether its family, financial just about anything life is easier. ahh!! I know in the back of my head that long term this cant work is shes goign to be like this, I want to stay NC but I dont have confidence left to go try to get with any girls. If I dont see long term with a girl I wont play with her heart but rather just leave before any relationship forms. With her I loved being with her & it wasnt her looks it was her personality that got me. But what can I say, I guess I guess I was wrong.

 

Gaudi- Stay strong, its for the best right

[gaudi]

Gaudi- Stay strong, its for the best right

 

That's just what we need you to do my friend, because it is indeed............for the best.

[CLC2008]

I could have written this post myself. I don't have advice to offer, because I've been given the same advice pretty much. Some of it does helps, but it doesn't make it any better.

 

Even though I am doing fine, not a day goes by where I don't think of this person either. So take comfort in knowing that you are not alone OP.

[hero112]

Its amazing on how many people are going through what I am, I always felt very weak in relationships because I always give it my all. Ive heard this so many times in life that you need to be content and happy yourself before anyone else can make you happy. So before I get into any relationships in the future I want to make sure that im fully healed which its almost been over 9 months since we ended it and less than two months of no contact. I wish people were more straight up and just said it as it is.

 

Gaudi- I was in no contact during christmas so even tho she sent me a merry christmas, it was very hard for me to ignore her message but I did. I think that made her angry and I havent heard from her since, I kind of regret not sending anything because I find it very rude to ignore messages but again she ignored my message. If you want someone to respect you, I need to show her that I cant be walked all over on like a doormat. Its so easy writing all this but walking the path is much harder. Everyone can show me the path but its up to us to see what is a toxic relationship.

Edited January 13, 2010 by hero112

[hero112]

I have been feeling very guilty lately for not responding back on her merry Xmas text. I don't have the urge to co tact her but I feel bad because if someone did that to me I know it would really hurt me. Should

i break NC?

[gaudi]

Well I don't think you should be breaking NC my friend. It won't help.

You'll feel worse if she tells you something you don't want to hear or worse, ignores you.

 

You need to remember, breaking NC and getting in touch with her (no matter what the excuse) is not going to make her want to get back wth you.

 

Sure I texted my EX back when she sent me a merry xmas message. But if I hadn't texted back, I don't think I would feel any worse.

 

She walked out on me, left me feeling like this, now she's wishing me a merry xmas....haha yeah right!!

[hero112]

Your right that she is the one that left you feeling like this. Its not our fault we gave it all we could and gave her the chance to reconcile. I dont want to reconcile with her, I KNOW its over and it is for the best but my heart has so much heartache. Its been 9 months since we broke up and about 2 months of NC and the pain is still there. I need to move on but small things keep holding me back. Me ignoring her other messages didnt bother me but the merry christmas one I just feel that it was very disrespectful for me to do that.

 

How have you been Gaudi?

[gaudi]

That's just it mate, it's their choice. Up to you if you want to wish them a merry xmas, thanksgiving, easter, Hannukah or whatever, best to forget about them I say.

 

I have been a little sad this week if I'm honest mate, had a few little teary moments on my way home from work and stuff. Much better today though, my football teams just won and I've got a date lined up for next week.

 

My own NC started after about a month of the breakup.

Yours appears to have started after about 7 months later. Do you think you may be feeling less about her if you had initiated it a little earlier ??

[hero112]

That's good you have a date setup for next week, even if it just turns out to be a friend it still helps. I had initiated NC after a Month but she went mental she would call me numerous times in the day, text me all day I just gave in and we strted talking. I haven't seen her for months but we stayed in contact which I do regret. All I know for the both of us is that we learnt alot from these relationships and in the future we know what we want and don't want. She kept me on the hook and said she wasn't ready for a relationship and that things were tough at home. I should have gone NC right away, it sucks because she was my first love in my mind. I guess it just takes time

[gaudi]

Yeah I've had a couple since I split with her.

Making sure they're are nothing serious, I just enjoy going out and meeting people, having a laugh. It keeps my mind off her.

 

I've learnt a lot over the past few weeks of my NC, in that I am nowhere near as over my EX as I thought I was. So many little things have reminded me of her. But I'm still not going to break it. If she texts me, sure I'll text back (if I want). But in no way am I going to seek her opinion, ask for her help, enquire as to her well-being, check how things are with her family/friends.

 

I've just got to keep telling myself she lost my interest when she threw away my love.

[hero112]

So basically besides staying NC theres nothing I can do? She comes across my mind still all the time.. I just keep feeling so guilty for ignoring her on Xmas. Any thoughts guys?

[HLP234]

Keep yourself busy at all times. I don't care what you have to do, just do something. Its hard, I know. I will play videogames, study even material for school that I already know, read..anything.

 

If you get bored, do something else. Go out as much as you can, try to meet new people. I haven't gotten any dates yet but I'm not sure I am ready for any. I just want to meet someone else to hang out with and talk to for the time being.

 

If you find you can't be yourself around friends, force yourself to get out there and put it behind you. I also have thoughts and memories that mess me up from day to day because she has never even said anything to me.

 

Unless she drives to your house and knocks on your door to say something to you, do not respond to anything. Even if you happen to run into her, you don't have to say anything. It may be rude, but if you are hurting still, anything you do that involves her will make you feel worse.

[hero112]

I dont know, I feel like an idiot still thinking of her after so long. I wish i was stronger.

Edited January 19, 2010 by hero112

[HLP234]

Hey I still feel the same. I think I'm over the person, most likely but not over how she went about the situation. I miss her at times and its hard, but if I notice if I'm hanging out with another girl or someone else, it doesn't even cross my mind.

 

Who knows how long it will take, but I hear that one day when you wake up you won't even notice that its not on your mind anymore.