Amarfa Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) I'm the bride. I picked the groom's (female) cousin to be in my wedding party because my hubby-to-be doesn't have a sister. I picked my brother's longtime girlfriend (they intend to be married but haven't gotten around to the proposal etc) and also one of my girlfriends. I have a representative from each different part of my life. the first time I tried to get the girls together to pick bridesmaid dresses (my dress is going to be homemade) 2 had trouble making it. My best friend knew all my plans and still disappeared on me, and Cousin had to bring someone to work, and there were also snafus with the email i sent. Okay. I wasn't organized. Do better next time, right? Cousin asks for a 2 week window/prior notice. Okay. I give a 3 week prior notice. One week before dress shopping day, Cousin isn't sure she can make it. Car isn't working well. Okay. I'll give her a ride. No problem. Friend takes day in question out of work. My mom reschedules her plans. Groom's Mom (invited because she doesn't have a daughter) reschedules plans. Brother's Girlfriend reschedules plans. Cousin drops bomb day before shopping day: Can't go shopping, will be free from end of month onward, will accept whatever I pick. I respond: I'm disappointed. Can I help with whatever it is that you need to do. Can you be there for me? I need you to keep groom's mom company. I have a social circle to build and maintain and your participation is really important. No answer. Now it is Shopping Day. I pick up Friend and go over to Cousin's house. I reason with Cousin as Cousin's Mom is standing there. Can I help? Cousin tells me what she's got to do. (Cousin has not-so-conveniently had plenty of time to do what she needed to do and has put it off till the last minute.) Cousin's dad had set the deadline. I go to talk to cousn's dad. Cousin's mom stops me and tells me I don't realize that cousin has things to do. I tell cousin's mom "how does that stack up against my wedding?" Cousin's mom gives me snotty look and says "I'm sorry." I say "No you're not." and leave the house and bawl my eyes out to Friend in the car. Groom's Mom (who is cousin's mom's sister) is upset. Groom's Mom approaches Groom at his workplace and says, "This is what you'll be living with for the rest of your life." Groom is now upset. Cousin is not upset. Groom's Mom has calmed down Cousin's Mom. Groom got wasted. Groom will deal with Groom's Mom. Groom wants my apology to Cousin's Mom. Groom's Mom wants my apology to Cousin's Mom. Should I apologize? Edited January 11, 2010 by Amarfa
PrettyinInk Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 What was so important that it had to be done that day? How old is the cousin that she has deadlines or she cannot go out? Based on the information i have thus far i think you should apologize. Even though you gave plenty of time and i am sure you are hurt that she basically blew you off, you were wrong to be catty with your future in-laws. This is a time when you should be working to build long lasting relationships with these people, but you are already creating family drama. Your wedding is important, yes, but other things are important as well, and (although i hated to hear it planning my own wedding) your wedding is more important to you than anyone else bridesmaids can be frustrating, but this is suppose to be the happiest time of your life; show them you can take things with a grain of salt. be upbeat, have fun, pick the dress without cousin because you have given her more than enough opportunity to help and she has basically declined.
Author Amarfa Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 She's 23. And we did pick and order the dresses that day. When I got home, I told my groom all about it. I'm not usually like that. I tried so hard to be positive! I tried so hard to look at all the options, and I told her I'd help her and everything! It was furniture that had to be moved from one floor of the house to the basement, and her car had been dead for a week. Car is easy, I can provide a ride. Furniture is easy-there are 3 other girls who will come help so we can get on with our day. Cousin said I could talk to Cousin's dad. Cousin's mom had other ideas. My upbeat part/ideas are all gone now. I don't know what to do, and I did not deserve to be treated like that by cousin's mom. It was a look and tone of voice that made me into a demon for wanting to help Cousin get her chores done. Cousin's inability to go out was supposed to be punishment. Understanding and kindness would have destroyed the opportunity for pain. I feel like I'm in a contest of "More abused than thou." instead of "holier than thou." I did everything I could think of. I can't think of anything else, and If I apologize, then the punishment wins out over the kindness I offered, and I don't want to let that happen. I don't want to enable cousin's mom to continue to punish her, and up until this point, I haven't considered my own self at all. We haven't even started on my dress. I want to make sure the girls are taken care of first. I am even putting my fiancee's mother ahead of myself in my wedding. I am putting her needs before my own, and this is the thanks I get? I don't understand. I'm depressed, my fiancee is depressed, and his mother went to his workplace and said, "This is what you'll be living with." She constantly tries to take me down in front of him. I think my biggest problem is the speed at which I'm asked to apologize. It isn't in me yet. I have never been asked to be in anyone's wedding, and I don't understand why it's not seen as an honor and something special and out of the ordinary. I don't get it. My groom is upset and thinks i'm not listening to him. I don't understand how I created that. I was nice until cousin's mom got nasty with me. And then I lost it. I walked out after I said the "no you're not." business because I knew I couldn't handle myself after that. It was CM's insincerity in the apology that boiled my brains out. (literally!) It didn't bother me that cousin had something to do. I was going to systematically explore all the options, and if they didn't work out, then I would just go and complete the things I needed to do that day. Why? Why didn't my organization work? Why didn't my kindness work? Why didn't my sensitivity to their needs work? I never got to talk to the dad. Never got that far. It was way too much.
quankanne Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 "I am sorry that I've upset you with my snarky remark; I will try to be better about that in the future. Please understand that I was really exasperated that day because the rest of the bridal party has done everything it can to accommodate Cousin's schedule, and it felt like she blew us off that day. But I know deep down, she wouldn't do something like that, you know? So, I'm wondering if it'd be easier on her to step down from bridesmaid's duty – with no hard feelings on either side – so that she doesn't have to feel conflicted when other things come up. This way, she's not beholden to a schedule that's been hard to work around." 1. you let the family see your side of things 2. you very graciously point out what a pendeja (bless her heart) Cousin is being 3. you're graciously offering to let her off the hook if they're smart, they'll make her shape up by either taking her responsibilities seriously or by convincing her to drop out of a wedding she doesn't seem to care being part of. just be sure to "pour enough sugar" into your speech – as in, kill them with kindness and graciousness – so they cannot accuse you of being "mean" to Cousin, as you're leaving it all up to her as how to behave *evil grin*
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