Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 You are all right... I don't think its over yet, either. Although I am ILL today because he has resisted calling me thus far (which he stated in his email yesterday morning it was "killing him" not to call me). So in my simple mind, if it was killing him, he would do it That's what I would do... When his W and I agreed that he is a master compartmentalizer, it hit me that she sees the same as I do, just from the other side of it all. He IS the most skilled compartmentalizer I have ever seen. I can almost guarantee that he is calling her on his way home from his work shift this morning, asking her to meet for coffee of breakfast, etc. Acting like nothing is wrong (she told me he does this). But I also know that as he was making that call to her, and as he was driving home from work, he was thinking about me, too. He used to call me every morning on that very same drive... so I doubt that has just escaped his mind just yet. However, it doesn't matter. He could be a bawling mess right now, but the facts are the same. He is there. He is not here. He is even able to resist calling me when he admits he wants to. I believe that NC is the way to go for me now. I am going to try my very very best to keep NC intact. He has to sort this out on his own. If I'm still there lurking, emailing, etc., he still has the best of both worlds. He doesn't deserve that much right now. I do know he loves me, but that's not enough anymore. I told him yesterday... actions speak louder than words, and right now, I'm just done...
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 (((((IMTK))))) So he loves you. I am curious. Do you agree with the wife that he is an "absolute lying, cheating loser"? I can see that one could say this in the heat of emotion, but to think so in the long run? JJ~ I can't say that I agree with her on that exact statement. I know where she is coming from when she says that, but I think a better descriptiion of him is "a very, very messed up and confused man who found something unexpected in someone other than his wife and was unable to let it go, to the detriment of his marriage..." What I'm saying is that I don't believe he is inherently a cheater, and certainly not a serial, multiple-AP cheater. I can't deny that he has lied and omitted things. So there is some truth to the "lying" part. A loser? Absolutely not. He is human, just like me.
RedDevil66 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 What is love? Love is kind, caring and respectful This "love" was built out of deceit, neediness and lies. You don't love him, you are addicted to him and the drama. He doesn't love you, his wife or himself. He's a sick man and you're a very sick woman since this is now become an obsession. You are going to drive yourself MAD wondering what he's doing, why he's doing it and how he does it His emails to you saying "it's killing him" is the seed he's planting to keep you planted in his madness. You're on a hard course to insanity if you don't get away from this man and get into some serious therapy The married guy I was seeing did the exact same thing to me as this douche is doing to you, but what I found out a year later, he was seeing other women as well. His wife stayed with him and is still with him. He left her a year ago for some 21 yr old (he's 43) and moved out. She dumped him and his sad wife took him back. Do you see this is called INSANITY! I walked away from this married dude with my dignity and worked on getting myself well enough to see how sick I was to be involved with a married guy You have two options, get well and go crazy?! Your choice
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 I do have my first IC appointment this afternoon... I really do want to get past this and be a better, stronger person when all is said and done. I do want help, and I'm going to get it
Brokenlady Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 She says I have a magic spell over him. My xDM's xW used to say the SAME thing. I think it's a whole lot easier to think that than consider the possibility that something is missing in the marriage or that you are just more compatible with the MM. She really believes that if I dropped dead, he'd fall back in love with her. Now that I've left him, she can test that theory. But, three weeks out now, he still hasn't gone back to her. I really don't see him falling madly in love with her (he claims he never was), let alone going back to the marriage, but she's having real trouble accepting that. It's sad, really. As far as your MM's counseling, he's right, the counseling wasn't for HIM, it was for the marriage. His refusal to participate suggests he isn't full invested. But again, that's their problem.... the end result is the same for you - he's with her and isn't going anywhere. So whether or not the quality of the marriage improves, he's still with her. You'll feel better soon, I promise.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 My xDM's xW used to say the SAME thing. I think it's a whole lot easier to think that than consider the possibility that something is missing in the marriage or that you are just more compatible with the MM. She really believes that if I dropped dead, he'd fall back in love with her. Now that I've left him, she can test that theory. But, three weeks out now, he still hasn't gone back to her. I really don't see him falling madly in love with her (he claims he never was), let alone going back to the marriage, but she's having real trouble accepting that. It's sad, really. As far as your MM's counseling, he's right, the counseling wasn't for HIM, it was for the marriage. His refusal to participate suggests he isn't full invested. But again, that's their problem.... the end result is the same for you - he's with her and isn't going anywhere. So whether or not the quality of the marriage improves, he's still with her. You'll feel better soon, I promise. When she said that to me about the "magic spell" I literally starting laughing (quietly, though ) I said, "I iknow you would like to believe that, but how would that explain the last 31 straight days of phone calls (that's just in December alone), most all of which originated from him. For hours at a time. Many times a day. Once again, her mantra for the entire conversation was that he loved only the idea of me... I agree that he's not invested in the M at all. No way. He is trying, yes... but if it were an honest attempt he would go back to IC or at least MC with her. Yet, as you said, that doesn't matter as far as my feelings are concerned. It just means that he gave up on me and what we had, just to keep something intact that isn't all that fulfilling to him. I know he cares for her, doesn't want his family broken. But if he wanted to really make her happy again, I would think he would at least agree to more IC or MC. Who knows... I think he refuses to think totally of someone else for a change. It just proves he is still being selfish, against her wishes. Its like rubbing it in her face: "I'm BACK, but I'm not going to do what you anything to make you feel good about this." *Sigh*
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 He isn't invested NOW, but in afew weeks or a month, maybe he WILL be. If NC can stick, for both of you, then 1)YOU get to heal better and not think about him 24/7, your healing process can actually begin...And 2)HE can let go and re-focus on fixing himself and his marriage, his wife.
Brokenlady Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 He isn't invested NOW, but in afew weeks or a month, maybe he WILL be. Makes you feel sorry for his W, doesn't it? I can't imagine why she'd even want someone who isn't invested even in really trying.
Brokenlady Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 It just proves he is still being selfish, against her wishes. Its like rubbing it in her face: "I'm BACK, but I'm not going to do what you anything to make you feel good about this." *Sigh* yeah, he made his bed and now refuses to lie in it. It doesn't sound like he's there for the right reasons, and although that's very sad, it does not change things for you. Maybe his refusal is some passive-aggressive way to get back at her because she forced him to end it with you. Who knows, but more important, you wouldn't even want someone like that do you?
jwi71 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I do have my first IC appointment this afternoon... I really do want to get past this and be a better, stronger person when all is said and done. I do want help, and I'm going to get it Absolutely brilliant. IC is a GREAT thing for everyone. Even those not ensare in an A or other such drama. And...in a display that I VERY VERY rarely engage in here (it might even shock some posters here): ((hug))
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Absolutely brilliant. IC is a GREAT thing for everyone. Even those not ensare in an A or other such drama. And...in a display that I VERY VERY rarely engage in here (it might even shock some posters here): ((hug)) Hug accepted!! And my IC appointment wasa huge success! As of right now, I don't care if I ever hear from MM again. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now I'm feeling hopeful. I know he was nothing but a liar.
Fallen Angel Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Hug accepted!! And my IC appointment wasa huge success! As of right now, I don't care if I ever hear from MM again. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now I'm feeling hopeful. I know he was nothing but a liar. WOW, that's some hella good IC if in an hour you are over MM..
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 WOW, that's some hella good IC if in an hour you are over MM.. LOL No, definitely not OVER the MM, just feeling hopeful and stronger than before...
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Makes you feel sorry for his W, doesn't it? I can't imagine why she'd even want someone who isn't invested even in really trying. He's invested enough that he's chosen to stay at home, be with his wife and kids. I wish OWL were here to explain this better, but I recall him talking about a 'grace' period after D-Day. This is the hardest place for a BS to be, but if they want recovery, they have to be strong and ride it out.. Ride out the NC that'll be broken..Ride out the fact their CS has had feelings for someone else..Ride out seeing their CS work through and let go of feelings for the AP. (Thumbingmyway comes into mind too, as well as OWL) Anyway, Imiss, focus on YOU now and screw what MM thinks or does. Change your cell number if need be. Block his email address asap that way you WON'T see any emails from him. Don't answer your regular phone if he calls, allow it to go to voice mail. Just do all that YOU can to stay in NC mode. You can only control what you do, how you react to it.
RedDevil66 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I do have my first IC appointment this afternoon... I really do want to get past this and be a better, stronger person when all is said and done. I do want help, and I'm going to get it then if you want it, you shall get it. Stay focused and just feel the pain. Pain leads to miracles if you don't resist. I have FULL confidence in you to get past this HUGE hug
RedDevil66 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 ok, only read the 3rd page after I posted. glad therapy helped. You will different throughout the moments. That is normal. You'll go from strength to anger to sadness etc. Take it all in and keep up the therapy.
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