Update for those who asked...

[I Miss the Kiss]

Hi everyone...

 

Please read my prevous threads to catch up, if need be... but for those of you who have followed...

 

I broke down on Thursday night and called the xMM when I knew he was at work, because as you know he had to change his cell phone number (had to, did it on his own... who knows!) I was given NO closure and I was on the brink of insanity. Literally. So I made the call.

 

Let's just say that I am glad I did it. It didn't change the final outcome (he's still there), but it helped me to know some of what happened and how he was feeling, etc.

 

As expected, he was somewhat busted by his W. She had apparently come to his work (fire station) a couple of days prior to the last time I talked to him on 12/31. She has known he was thinking of leaving, etc., and she had had enough. She was yelling and cussing and giving him ultimatums (her right to do so, of course).

 

I am told by him that he had also been feeling very scared about the life he was about to make with me. Not because of ME, but just the unknown of leaving his family and the fallout everyone was telling him would occur. He did admit that he had been scared for over a week (like REALLY scared). Then when his W confronted him, it all came crashing down...

 

He panicked. He caved. He chose her. To be honest, at this point in the conversation I was just relieved to KNOW something! As I've said here before, its not that I ever felt 100% sure he would go through with it anyway, but I trusted his continued promises. His promises that had NO hesitation whatsoever. I don't want to re-hash all of that now...

 

Anyway, he said he doesn't know why he can't walk out the door when in his heart that's what he wants to do. He also says he doesn't really know why he is still there (in terms of being able to articulate it), but still there he is. He said the W was very adamant this time that it is "her or me", and it scared him. Again, rightfully so. as hard as it is, I do understand how he must feel.

 

I just wish he had not dragged me down with him, with the promises of our VERY near impending future (so near that had he followed through, we would be together as I write this).

 

Also as we talked, I came right out and asked him WHAT DO YOU WANT? I told him I wasn't asking what he THOUGHT he should do, but what does he WANT in his heart. Well of course he says, "I want you, xxxx.... I want to be with you..." He started to cry as he said this... then a few seconds later he said (while crying) "I didn't think I would ever get the chance to tell you that... that I love you." HUH???!!! Well what he meant was that he has been banned from talking to me (obviously) and he didn't know if he would be able to talk to me again to tell me that. I BLEW UP~ I said, "Well thank you so much for wanting to tell me that you still pine over me, after you have broken my heart and helped me wreck my life!" (notice I did not blame him completely for this; I got myself into this mess, too).

 

Ok, so after talking, although it was hard, I did feel a sense of relief and finality. I told him never to call me unless he had D papers in hand. And I know in my heart that won't happen, so I feel like it was the end. This was Thursday night....

 

Well.... it gets better. Hang on to your hats!

 

SATURDAY night (after more than 2 days of starting to feel this pain lifting just a tiny bit), very late at night on a night he was at work, HIS WIFE CALLED ME.

 

This is the first and only time we have spoken in over 8 months. I don't want to go over every word, but obviously she lit into me, cussed at me. But she also said she only blames me for half of this. She said she is married to a liar, a cheater, and a deceiver. She said he is messed up and she doesn't believe a word he says..

 

BUT... she isn't going anywhere. This is the 4th D-day for them. She went between calling me trash to telling me she felt bad for the lies he told me. But it was VERY evident that I was NOT the only one lied to. You would not believe the stuff he said to her that was the polar opposite of what he said to me... and I know now that she knows only that we had a plan to be together, but she knows NO details. And guess what.... I didn't tell her. I couldn't do it, no matter how much I wanted to.

 

I will say that in my humble opinion, she only knows the tip of the iceberg of what he has done behind her back...

 

So of course then I fire off an email to xMM to tell him what happened. I knew he was going to know, of course, but I wanted to give my story. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I did. And ya know, I feel 50% better now. I really do. I feel like he is not my worry anymore. He is far more messed up than I had thought. Truly he is.

 

But I did email, and of course I received the "I'm sorry" email back... Ok. Whatever. He said, "I want to talk to you, its killing me not to..." I told him I am done. If he "wanted" to talk to me, he would do it. No more excuses. I'm done. Forever. And for the first time, I truly mean that, from my heart.

 

Ahhhhh I'm too tired to talk more now. Thanks for listening. Fire away, because although about 99.% of everyone here is AMAZING and so kind, there is always the other 0.01% who will say I told you so. Let me save you the time... because I already know that.

[Chingaling]

No bullets coming your way from this girl... just a big ((hug)) and hang in there...