prettybaby Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 My boyfriend just called me all in shock; one of his friends died in an accident this weekend. (my bf and I don't live together and usually only see each other on Wednesdays and weekends) Anyway, I didn't really know what to say, so we just talked about him and the accident, and then other topics. I feel like I didn't find the right words. I kind of want to see him now and give him a big hug, which I told him on the phone, but it's too far and it's too late right now. And I don't even think we'd be able to see each other tomorrow; so it's gonna be Wednesday as usual. Is there anything I could do in the mean time? Something sweet and thoughtful. I don't know if "cheering him up" would be the right approach. I'm gonna call him tomorrow evening to see how he's doing. I don't know if I should do anything more, or if calling would be enough until we see each other the next day. He sounded so sad.
threebyfate Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Pull out all the stops and go visit him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk to, touch and being touched, to reaffirm life.
DustySaltus Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Pull out all the stops and go visit him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk to, touch and being touched, to reaffirm life. Agreed, the "normal" visiting times should be thrown out the window at this point. Find a way to get to him, he needs your support more than anything.
Author prettybaby Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Pull out all the stops and go visit him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk to, touch and being touched, to reaffirm life. Yeah but he's going to bed in like 20min cuz he has to get up early tomorrow and it will take me longer than that to get there. So that's not an option for tonight (we're in europe btw, in case you wonder about the odd hours). I'm going to call him in the early evening tomorrow, but I think he's already got stuff to do later that evening, so that probably won't be an option either. I don't know. Should I send him a nice little text message or something?
alphamale Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm gonna call him tomorrow evening to see how he's doing. I don't know if I should do anything more, or if calling would be enough until we see each other the next day. He sounded so sad. i think he needs some alone time
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I would visit him as well. If you absolutely can't, send him an online card (so that it reaches him faster) with a thoughtful and caring message.
threebyfate Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Yeah but he's going to bed in like 20min cuz he has to get up early tomorrow and it will take me longer than that to get there. So that's not an option for tonight (we're in europe btw, in case you wonder about the odd hours). I'm going to call him in the early evening tomorrow, but I think he's already got stuff to do later that evening, so that probably won't be an option either. I don't know. Should I send him a nice little text message or something?Just tell him you'll be there in time for tomorrow evening. As Dusty has said, he needs you.
Author prettybaby Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Ok, I just sent him a text. Nothing elaborate, just a short note to give him a big hug and tell him we could have dinner together tomorrow evening if he wants, and that I'd definitely call him.
Author prettybaby Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Well shoot, he hasn't responded. Good sign? Bad sign? Gah, he's probably gone to sleep now. This is when I wish we were living together.
Vertex Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 As someone who has experienced death, I can say that words alone don't really help much -- just being there in person says a lot more.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 As Vertex said, actions and not words really count for so much more. Go see him as soon as you can and give him a big hug.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Well shoot, he hasn't responded. i told you he needs alone time
Author prettybaby Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 i told you he needs alone time Yeah. Sorry guys, but I'm not gonna go there uninvited. He has a busy day ahead tomorrow at work, so I will call him as soon as he's back home after work to see how he's doing and we'll take it from there. Poor thing, I feel so bad for him.
quankanne Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 send him a text message – let him know that you're thinking of him, and of his friend/friend's family. Ask if there's anything you can do between now and when you see him mid-week, if he would like help picking out a card or a flower/plant arrangement for the family, etc. something that's always been really thoughtful when we've lost a family member is when people send Mass request cards to our family's home church (Catholic). Basically, this is the sender asking the priest to remember the deceased at upcoming Mass(es) – it helps with the grieving process, because it's their way of saying "We remember your loved one, and are joined with you in prayer." at this point, the best thing you can do is just let him know you're there for him when he needs to talk.
quankanne Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 i told you he needs alone time he's got his time alone, as she's not there *with* him right now, Alpha. To not let him know she's concerned can easily be misconstrued as her not caring about his friends. And I'm pretty sure it's something she doesn't want.
PinkToes Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Personally, I would want my bf to do whatever he could to be with me asap (even if that meant showing up and crawling into bed), but that's just me. He may not need the same thing. Why not ask him what he needs? If he says he doesn't know, give him options.
Author prettybaby Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 I suggested coming over as soon as he told me, but he seemed lukewarm and just basically confused about the whole thing. Then we kept talking, and got his mind on other stuff, and then it got back to really sad. By the time our phone conversation ended it was already pretty late and he was gonna go to bed 20min later because he has to get up really early in the morning for work. I sent him a text suggesting dinner together tomorrow evening if he doesn't feel like being alone then, but he hasn't responded. I'm guessing he's kind of like me. When stuff like that happens, I generally need to be alone at first to let things sink in and process them a little. I'll call him tomorrow and see how he's feeling. But I think he has plans for the evening already (already planned prior to his friend's death), I'm not sure. I get the feeling dinner would be a little tight (schedule-wise), so it may be best to just meet on Wednesday like we always do.
PinkToes Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Yeah, I'm sure he knows you're there for whatever he needs, and that's the most important thing. So just let him know you're thinking about him, and don't stress too much about the rest. And also, if you can, let him know that he doesn't need to worry about you right now. It sounds weird but sometimes that's a gift all by itself, knowing you don't have to worry about how what you're going through will affect someone else. If he's sorting through stuff, he'll come back around. Then maybe you can help him find a way to commemorate his friend.
alphamale Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 i told you he needs alone time he's got his time alone, as she's not there *with* him right now, Alpha. To not let him know she's concerned can easily be misconstrued as her not caring about his friends. And I'm pretty sure it's something she doesn't want. men like to deal with these sort of serious issues by themselves for a while
quankanne Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I understand that Alpha. I also understand that when the pain becomes so great, a person will lash out over perceived "slight" – which is why I suggested she stay in touch with him in brief messages. Because while he needs to go some place to lick his wounds and come to terms with the pain, he also needs the reassurance that he's not been forgotten in his pain. We're all like that.
Payden Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Being my best friend that died, I would like it if my girl came over to see me... play some board games..ect ect..to take away some of the thoughts. I'd need my girl.
sparkle Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 It depends completely on the guy. Some guys prefer to discuss these things and how they're feeling and need to be in the company of friends or a girlfriend, while other guys just need to sit at home alone, with a beer in their hand, in front of the TV, and work it out in their own mind.... Let him be, he will reach out to you when he needs you.
Author prettybaby Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Ok, I called him and he wants to see me tonight. So I guess that answers my questions. Thanks guys
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