Reposted: The love of my life broke up w/ me and i cant stop thinking bout him!:(

[kristinabopp]

i was confused. my boyfriend/husband to be just broke up with me this december 24th! but the day before he broke up, he was so happy and excited about him going here in california he cant wait to be with me!

 

here goes the story:

i live with him and his family when i was in DC. i live there since april to december. his parents made me go back to california because they said its the economy, i dont have a job that time, but i almost got it because the store im working at hired me already, but they said its better if i will go back to california because its christmas and its better because ill be with my family and they said that i was a distraction to their son. I know i can be a distraction but i always help him with everything its just that its him when i tell him and help him to do this he wont follow me sometimes. but thats not the story. so i came back here in california this december 14. but before i go back, a few days earlier before i go back, my boyfriend told me he cant take being far away from me so he decided that he will follow me here in california before the 24th because he wont be able to leave the house after 24th because his mom will always be at home so he cant runaway. so that was the plan, but me and him doesnt have money were broke my mom paid for my plane ticket i told her to pay his ticket as well, but she cant because shes lacking of money too. so the plan is i go first and he goes the 2nd, i was just following his plans. the night before i leave, he was crying on me, he said he cant be far away from me and he will do everything to go to california as soon as he gets the money. and yea, he was crying and telling me everything how much he loves me. and then he was also crying when we were in the airport. even if his dad is there he wont stop crying while i leave.. and then as soon as i get in california we keep talking about the plan like EVERYDAY. i even tell him to say it to me THAT UR GOIN HERE. and then sometimes he gets mad because someone in their house might hear it, but i was wrong, his dad and brother heard him talking bout him leaving to go follow me. he was mad at me because it was my fault. i should not have force him to say it.. and then we keep talking of what are we goin to do here and he said that he cant wait to be with me and see me and have a new life here with me in california. he even told me that as soon as he gets here he wants to marry me. i mean, he proposed to me so many times already. and i said yes, but i told him we have to save money first. so my mom bought an apartment so me and him can start over our life here. this apartment im living right now is where me and him are supposed to be living right now. my mom is helping us start over a life,cozwhen in dc everything is hard and expensive.so i told him bout the apartment and he was happy. and then he told me that as soon as he gets here he wants me to cook him our culture food. and i said yes, and he said we have to go see the avatar movie and we have to visit the first hotel that me and him stayed at when he went to visit me here before. and i was so excited, i keep leaving him msgs and calling him everyday coz i cant wait to be with him and he cant wait to be with me too.

but december 23rd, he told me his sister said some **** to his dad that made his dad so mad and the phone bill was high so his dad took all their phones and will turn off the internet. so i cant call him, he told me not to text. andhe said his dad will probably cool down the next day and then he told me he will find a way to call me and his last words are I LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU!.. but i didnt get any call. so i tried calling him as many times as i can. but no one is picking up the phone. so he was kinda mad because i made his dad get more mad because of me calling. and then DECEMBER 24TH of 3AM he went online on his facebook and he told me to give him my address here in california and i did gave my address to him, i dont know why he took it though. and then after that he just went offline and his last msgs is *i think it better if..* and then he went offline. and then december 24th of 12noon. he went online and then offline on yahoo messenger. i was like, *hey u went online and then not leave me a msg?* and then he started talking to me, but it was showing that he wasnt on, maybe he was invisible. so that time, he told me that *baby i need to go their watching me*. and then i ask him are you still goinn? and then i was freakin out already because there is something wrong! and then he told me that he cant go here anymore and he said sorry. but i was confused because he told me the day before he broke up that *TRUST ME IM GOING THERE* and now he like took back everything. and then i ask him whats wrong and then he told me he cant tell me and he said he must go now! but i insist that he needs to tell me whats wrong and then he told me that *this relationship has to stop, i have bills to pay and many more problems and dont come here..

 

i stopped calling him this dec.31st. and now i havent leave him a msg or call.. it hurts me so bad because it just happens that he promised me and told me to trust him which I DID TRUST HIM. i just cant take the pain im going through right now, i love him more than anything and i cant live without him! i feel like my world sucks because im not with him anymore! all i did was love him like ive never love anyone before! we are each others first bf/gf first in everything! and im traumatized! i cant love anyone anymore because the only person i love is him! icant stop crying everydaysince he broke up! every moring/afternoon/night feels so horrible! i feel like i dont wana wake up anymore just so that i wont get sad! i miss him so much! theres like a little tiny voice in my heart that says i have to hold on, wait and be patience that he will come back! but i dont know coz what if he doesnt? AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HE SAID/PROMISED TO ME, HE WILL JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THAT?! WHY DID HE ASKED FOR MY ADDRESS A FEW HOURS EARLIER BEFORE HE BROKE UP? WHY DID HE BROKE UP?! WHY WILL HE SAY THAT HE WONT TALK TO ME NOT FOR THE NEXT 6MONTHS?! EVERYTHING IS MAKING MY MIND GO CRAZY AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING EVEN IF I GO TO SLEEP! IM HAVING DREAMS ABOUT HIM AND THEN WHEN I WAKE UP I JUST STARTED GETTING SAD BECAUSE ITS JUST A DREAM! I KNOW I WONT BE ABLE TO GET OVER HIM BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! I GAVE MY EVERYTHING TO HIM! I DID EVERYTHING TO HIM! I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL! IM BECOMING IMPATIENT OF EVERYTHING BECAUSE I DNT KNOW IF HE WILL COME BACK OR NOT! i know i wont be able to love anyone like the love i gave to him! its hard for me to date other guys because i feel like its not right and i just really cant date anyone anymore! id rather be single than having to love someone that i dont even love! i only love him and only him! this little tiny voice in my heart is confusing me! i dont know if i should listen or not! but someone told me that sometimes, that little tiny voice in your heart is the answer. but im scared! i cant trust anyone anymore, because the person i trust with all my heart just broke up with me! he told me i am his bestfriend/fiance/girlfriend/sexmate and everything! but why did this happen? its impossible that u r inlove today, prpopsed, promised many things, say trust me, and then tomorrow just break up with you?! thats impossible! love dont go away that fast! i feel like crap! i cant even smile anymore. everything sucks. knowing that he is not mine anymore, makes me go crazy and depressed. i wont be able to happy anymore because the person that makes me happy is gone. i want to spend the rest of our lives together! and he said the same thing.. i feel like theres no point of me living if hes not with me.. i cant even think properly anymore everything is mind torturing to me. its a BIG WHY!!! one night before he broke up, we were cuddling and telling me how much he loves me, he loves me forever and for eternity and then he told me that, someone told him that he needs experience in relationships you cant just be with her forever. but he said to the person who told him that, that he doesnt need to have many girls just to have a perfect relationship, because what if you met the right girl in your first gf *which is me*? will you still leave the girl and date more just to be perfect in rel.? OF COURSE NOT! you just lost the opportunity and lost the best one because you will not find the love that the girl gave to me.. and i was touched when he said that, because while he is sayin that he was caressing my face and then he told me that he will never ever leave me because he cant live without me. he needs me as much as he needs air. and then that night he told me that he wants to marry me.. he proposed to me many times. and i never said no!i said YES TO EVERYTHING! but why did i get this?! why did he leave! why do i have to suffer from this when all i did was to love!! love is the greatest thing ever! and i wont be able to find the love he gave to me from any other guys! his love was the best! i cant take this pain im feeling right now.. please guys! i need help about this!

[GrayClouds]

Dear K I am very sorry for your pain. It does not feel like it now and likely it wont for while but things will get better.

 

I have to admit after reading your post, I too am completely confused. The best I can make out is that his fathers has a great deal of control over him. I suspect there is a much greater dynamic going with him then just the break-up.

 

Understand it is not about you but issues within him. Right now your head is full of questions that will likely never be fullly answered. SO it is best not to dwell on those but to focus on yourself. Treat yourself well, lean time with frineds and family, try to get out and exercise, do some journaling, eat well. Keep you mind on yourself and giving yourself what you need.

 

Good luck, it is not easy but again you will get through it.

 

 

Read this two link they wil help:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

 

 

.

Edited January 12, 2010 by GrayClouds

[kristinabopp]

thank you grayclouds. i hope this pain goes away soon, ive been doing pretty much almost everything, but eventhough im busy, it doesnt help. while im doing something, he will just pop out of my mind like every 5-20 minutes and then i will be on instant depression. im dreaming everyday that one day he will message me or ask me back.. but i dont think that will happen eventhough there is a tiny voice in my heart that says he will come back. but i dont know. i will be back in DC for fall to go to college. but i told my friends that when i go back in there, they make sure they dont mention his name or something because i will put all my anger in school by doing good grades and in making more money. i want him come back so bad. but then, i dont know how and when.. but since i did everything to him, its his time to do and work his way to me if he wants me back.. for now ill just wait and hold on..

[GrayClouds]

thank you grayclouds. i hope this pain goes away soon, ive been doing pretty much almost everything, but eventhough im busy, it doesnt help. while im doing something, he will just pop out of my mind like every 5-20 minutes and then i will be on instant depression. im dreaming everyday that one day he will message me or ask me back.. but i dont think that will happen eventhough there is a tiny voice in my heart that says he will come back. but i dont know. i will be back in DC for fall to go to college. but i told my friends that when i go back in there, they make sure they dont mention his name or something because i will put all my anger in school by doing good grades and in making more money. i want him come back so bad. but then, i dont know how and when.. but since i did everything to him, its his time to do and work his way to me if he wants me back.. for now ill just wait and hold on..

 

K do try to run or hide or ignore what your feeling. It is important to feel it express it and then let it go. Be it sad, angry, loss or betrayal. Feel it, talk about, write about and then push yourself to move on.

 

You said ever 5 to 20 min you think about him. Heck sister consider yourself lucky. There is some of us at your point couldn't go much more then a 10 secs without the obsessive thoughts of the EX. There some here who is months out who would kill to go 20 min without ping ponging back to that place. Beside do you really want HIM back, he is a guy that can flake on you that easy what will keep him from doing it again? Doesn't your love deserve better then that?

 

Yes hope is not your friend right now when think about the ex. Again the keep the focus on you. (Start by a new picture of your avatar...one without the boy in it!). And when you get back to school do concentrate on the thing that matters...your work. But also use it to get to know a verity of people, learn to discover the type person who does not make commitemnt so loosly like your EX. Take the opportunity to to learn how to judge pople who true care about you vs the ones who seem to. Learing how to make judgment about who is a person of quality you want in your life can give you the life you want. This lesson are just as important for your future as good grade in the long wrong. Because when you do make all that money you want to make sure the person is next to you and would be even if you was as poor as me.

 

 

(by they speaking of school I deserve extra credit for reading the your whole original post...that was a llllllllllllllooooooooooong one!)

Edited January 12, 2010 by GrayClouds

[kristinabopp]

Grayclouds! haha i know! you deserve a 4.0 grade for reading my looooooooooooooong story. and i thank you for that.

 

what i mean by 5-20 mins. i dont really mean that, he is always on my mind every sec. thats why i hate myself for that because i wont be able to do things well. weve gone thru so many stuff already, i got pregnant last may and then i got miscarriage because i wasnt really eating healthy because im working and my work is stressful that time. he was crying when i lost the baby.. and i was sad. but really, weve been through all tough ones, but why did he just loose it like that so easily? i fought for him, runaway to be with him because im to far from him.. we were so happy. he even carved a heart on a tree in a forest just for me and him. yea, he defend me from his family when his family is talking bad about me when im living in their house. his sister is mean to me sometimes. but when i was in their house, I DIDNT TALK BACK TO ANY OF THEM. i swallowed my pride even though what they say to me is really painful, i only talked bout that to him. *which is wrong coz its still his family,and he will still get hurt eventhough im right because im talking bout them* but still, i have no one to talk to. he said its fine. he said i dont have to worry bout anything because he will never leave me. he even beg me not to leave him..

 

right now, im at home ALL THE TIME. and im looking for a job, i have no friends here only fam because my friends were in dc. not here in california. im processing my school to be in dc this fall. because i cant wait to see my friends.but i feel hopeless coz i dont even have a job now. my mom just wont stop talking crap that i should have never came back in this house because im just giving her more problems. *im regretting for coming back here as well coz now shes like controlling me and telling me what to do, now its going to be hard for me to tell her that im going back to school coz then she will get so mad at me again*. specially that here in my place, YOU CANT GO OUT WITHOUT A CAR BECAUSE TRANSPORTATION IS SO HARD! if i have to go out, my mom will have to drive me. and i dont want that because i dont want to waste her money for gas, but thats why im looking for a job, save money andhelp her with money as well and then go to dc to school. everything is just hard for me right now. if only i could turn back the time.

 

but GRAYCLOUDS! thank you for your advice. i will do my best for that..

[GrayClouds]

Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now take a breath

 

Now take another.

 

Ok now take a third. It sounds like things are coming at you in all directions and much of it is not in your control so you have to work very hard focusing on what you can control. That is you.

 

Sounds like you have time on your hands. First thing is to start treating yourself well. Do that by getting in the habit of eating well, no skipping meal, teaching yourself how to cook good food, Second start exercising everyday. It is obvious your full of energy and exercise will help you feel better and think less, give you more concentration. Third find a hobby or two that puts you around people and give you some activities to look forward. If you can not find a job go volunteer somewhere, it looks good on a resume and again give you some health distractions from everything. Do these things at a 5.0 level and I promise you will find your in a better place very soon.

 

BTW good job changing your avatar pic.

 

 

.

[kristinabopp]

grayclouds! thanks for the advice. i did change my profile pic as you said, and plus who knows, maybe my ex is in here too.. but i doubt it. he just wasted our 1year 2 months relationship. for me its gold! everything is treasured. but i dont know if he did.. i cant wait to go to school back in dc!

 

grayclouds, why are you so good in giving advice? have u been in this situation before or worst than this?

[Zeegagge]

Kristina! Hang in there, I know it hurts but I promise it does get better! And you're cute, and I can tell be your writing that you have a good personality. You'll be beating guys off soon if not already, but one of those guys might just be worth a second look, and will make you forget your ex so fast!! You'll be alright just hang in there, like I said, and you're def not alone!

[kristinabopp]

haha thank you! you just made me laugh, im like super serious right here! i never laughed even once this 2010, i mean since after the break up. not even once. i did smile, but it coz i have to. yea, it hurts really bad. but atleast i have LS people to support me and not only me but also for those people who are suffering like me as well. LS is like my new bestfriend! when i tell my friends about my problem, they get tired. so i might as well just vent it out in LS.

 

but anyways, thanks zeegage!

[GrayClouds]

grayclouds! thanks for the advice. i did change my profile pic as you said, and plus who knows, maybe my ex is in here too.. but i doubt it. he just wasted our 1year 2 months relationship. for me its gold! everything is treasured. but i dont know if he did.. i cant wait to go to school back in dc!

 

grayclouds, why are you so good in giving advice? have u been in this situation before or worst than this?

 

Stay on LS long enough almost everyone gets good at spewing words of wisdom.

 

Your time was only a waste if you did not learn a thing from it. I suspect that you have. Like you know that you can love deeply. You are learning that you need to take care of yourself. Your learning that unless your happy and healthy by yourself you will only attract people who are not happy or healthy themselves. Your learning that it is important to take your time to really get to know someone before you give them your heart others wise then can surpise you with their behavior. You hopeful your learning that intimacy is more then a warm feeling after sex but a level of trust you can feel for someone else and that take time and rel commitment. And if you do not learn this things then the relationship may have been a waste.

 

You changed you icon, great but have you started the more important things... volunteering, exercising, eating well, start a new hobby?

[kristinabopp]

grayclouds, the thing is i cant go out. if i do go out my mom gets mad at me because she will have to drive me to where im going. what im doing right now in order to escape my fam problems and break up is processing my college stuff so i can go to dc this fall. its really hard to live with family and then live in a place where its sooo isolated like you cant go out without a car. in dc i feel more free and relax and HAPPY. im looking for a job as well, so that when i go to dc i have money too. but really, im like in hell right now having to deal with all this problems. specially that im back in here with family, i dont even know if my mom will let me go to dc, shed rather see me making money than school. shes too selfish, she wants me to work so i can give her money, isnt that weird? well, either way, im really doing everything asap. so i can get out of here. my hobby for now, is to read LS and all the problems in here. some gives me strenght and makes my day go fast. im like on the laptop 24/7 reading and reading and doing some errands.