Ilovecake Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I just signed up to my first online dating site. Everyone around me has been really pushing for me to do this so 4 days a go I finally broke down and created a profile. So far it's been absolutely horrible and it damaged my self esteem. First day the second I put my picture up, haven't even written a word in my profile, I get bombarded with dozens and dozens of messages from really gross guys. I field some of the messages but realize if I even write a thank you for a compliment some of these guys pretty much take that as some sort of relationship opening and start calling me honey and sweetheart right away, which makes me want to puke. I tell my friends I'm not going back. They say 'you've only done this for a day, don't give up'. 'You're being too picky because you don't want to date'. Truthfully I did want to date until joining this site now I want to hide in a dark corner of my apartment. I'm an open minded person so I decide to give it another try. I actually take matters into my own hands and search hundreds of profiles to find two guys that seem like a match and actually list some things that we can talk about. One guy didn't answer at all which is fine, the other wrote back in a day or two. We talked via messenger for a while but it fizzled out pretty quickly since he didn't ask me one question about me, just kept talking about himself so I ran out of things to say back to him. He gave me his email address but I never contacted him. I don't think I can bring myself to go to that site again. I don't understand why but I feel absolutely horrible about myself after joining, as if I walked through a construction site naked. The funny thing is everyone I talked to about this says they know people who have met their soul mates on dating sites. When I ask em 'how did it go for you' they all say 'ah you know not so good'.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 hmmm...I never thought about it being a self-esteem ruiner. i'm from chicago and on the same site probably. are you saying that you feel because the ugly/gross guys are winking/emailing, that it makes you gross/ugly? believe me, thats not the case. i have talked to a bunch of girls, and EVERYONE said the same thing "there are too many gross, creepers on here". i think it just comes with the territory. relax, give it time. there are not many mr. rights on there (besides me of course), but take your time and you will find a few! I get tons of ugly girls 'hitting' on me...but i also get some really great, pretty, intelligent girls as well...but the bad out weigh the good for sure....there are not many 'beautiful people' on dating sites because most of them are in relationships!
potatoepie3 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I, too, decided to try and online dating site. Got lots of hits....decided to go out with this one guy, right? Okay, we ended up going on four dates. He told me he was my new boyfriend and I was officially off the market. Yes, I believed him....until my best friend (who was the one to tell me about the site) called me and told me about a couple of hits she had gotten and you guessed it one of those hits...was him!!!!!!! Why do guys do that? I mean, at my age you'd think the games would be over...but experience has shown me....Guys are all out for that one thing as often and as many times as they can get and they don't care about the risks...they just want "it". I welcome any replies.
stace79 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It is definitely no piece of cake on the dating sites. I know how you feel. I've discovered that once a woman hits her 30s (I'm 31) you become very much less desirable to guys your age, and it's now guys in their 40s & 50s hitting on you. And yes, at least several times per week I get a message or "wink" from some guy and I think "are you serious? really??" But I take an hour or so once a week or two to really go through the profiles, filtering them by the newest ones first, to see if there's anybody out there who'd be a good match. One thing that helps me is approaching it from a friends first perspective. I say in my profile that I'm open to meeting new friends and seeing if anything develops from there. B/c honestly I would also like to have more friends to go see movies or go watch a football game with. Just gotta keep at it... don't expect too much right away. But I'd definitely give it at least a few weeks or a month before quitting altogether.
potatoepie3 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Thank you. I needed that. Because my hope bucket was not empty but certainly running quite low. And yes, I will keep in mind to not get to "thick too quick" as the old colloquium goes!
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I, too, decided to try and online dating site. Got lots of hits....decided to go out with this one guy, right? Okay, we ended up going on four dates. He told me he was my new boyfriend and I was officially off the market. Yes, I believed him....until my best friend (who was the one to tell me about the site) called me and told me about a couple of hits she had gotten and you guessed it one of those hits...was him!!!!!!! Why do guys do that? I mean, at my age you'd think the games would be over...but experience has shown me....Guys are all out for that one thing as often and as many times as they can get and they don't care about the risks...they just want "it". I welcome any replies. that dude is not a winner. if i went on 4 dates and said all that 'mumbo jumbo' to a girl, I would mean it and make my profile invisible to see where it went. i think that tells you all you need to know about that douche
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 True words...thank you! AMEN to that!!!!!!
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 The main problem with online dating is indeed "expectations" -- as if somehow online dating is going to magically bring a PERFECT MATE to you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Online dating is full of everyday, average people. If you keep in mind that they are presenting only what they feel are their best qualities and best photos you'll understand that there are other aspects hidden from view that you'll find out once you start dating. The ratio is probably 5-1 guys/girls so yes, you're going to be bombarded. Especially if you put up very attractive pictures. If you put up any "relealing" photos, then it will get even worse. There are quality men there, you just have to know how to find them. My suggestion? Take your photo down and email any of the men who are interesting to YOU. They'll eventually ask to see your photo and hopefully, at that time, you'll have a good match. I'm pretty much off of online dating. But that's simply because I have had much more success meeting people in person. Cheers.
Author Ilovecake Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 hmmm...I never thought about it being a self-esteem ruiner. i'm from chicago and on the same site probably. are you saying that you feel because the ugly/gross guys are winking/emailing, that it makes you gross/ugly? believe me, thats not the case. i have talked to a bunch of girls, and EVERYONE said the same thing "there are too many gross, creepers on here". i think it just comes with the territory. relax, give it time. there are not many mr. rights on there (besides me of course), but take your time and you will find a few! I get tons of ugly girls 'hitting' on me...but i also get some really great, pretty, intelligent girls as well...but the bad out weigh the good for sure....there are not many 'beautiful people' on dating sites because most of them are in relationships! No it's not at all about looks or age or that sort of thing. It's their approach, things they say, they're so inappropriately forward. Sometimes they come off desperate which makes me think "I guess I'm here because I'm desperate too'. The word your friend uses, creepers, is perfect to sum it up.
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It is definitely no piece of cake on the dating sites. I know how you feel. I've discovered that once a woman hits her 30s (I'm 31) you become very much less desirable to guys your age, and it's now guys in their 40s & 50s hitting on you. And yes, at least several times per week I get a message or "wink" from some guy and I think "are you serious? really??" But I take an hour or so once a week or two to really go through the profiles, filtering them by the newest ones first, to see if there's anybody out there who'd be a good match. One thing that helps me is approaching it from a friends first perspective. I say in my profile that I'm open to meeting new friends and seeing if anything develops from there. B/c honestly I would also like to have more friends to go see movies or go watch a football game with. Just gotta keep at it... don't expect too much right away. But I'd definitely give it at least a few weeks or a month before quitting altogether. *scratches head* 30 to 40 is not that big of an age gap. I think instead of focusing in on age, it's better to look at everyone as a whole first. I mean, I am 40 and I get hits from 20 year olds and 50 year olds. I look at all the profiles and don't discriminate. If someone contacts me and I am interested, at the very least I'll talk to them. But -- to each their own I suppose
Author Ilovecake Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 Take your photo down and email any of the men who are interesting to YOU. They'll eventually ask to see your photo and hopefully, at that time, you'll have a good match. Cheers. That's an awesome idea. You should patent that.
stace79 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 *scratches head* 30 to 40 is not that big of an age gap. I think instead of focusing in on age, it's better to look at everyone as a whole first. I mean, I am 40 and I get hits from 20 year olds and 50 year olds. I look at all the profiles and don't discriminate. If someone contacts me and I am interested, at the very least I'll talk to them. But -- to each their own I suppose It might not be a big age gap now, but wait til I'm 60 and my husband is 70 and I'm pushing him around in a wheelchair or foregoing vacations b/c he can't keep up! (my parents are 10 years apart) Besides I know very few men in their mid- to late 40s who would have much in common with me. I have not totally ruled it out, but just from looking at pictures and reading profiles, the 40+ crowd isn't for me. There are always a few exceptions of course. I'm sure that you might find this sort of insulting, but that's how I feel when the guys who are my age or a couple years older (younger than 35) only want to date some barely-out-of-college 23 year old ditz!
Crazy Magnet Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I tried online dating for the first time recently. Yes, I got lots of weird creepers sending me inappropriate messages, but I deleted those and went on with my life. It did, however, also allow me to meet the twin version of me in male form. He's now my boyfriend and I'm really excited about a guy for the first time in a LONG time. I think patience is the key. I went on tons of OMG type dates until I found one I wanted to keep around. Lucky for me, he feels the same way!
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) It might not be a big age gap now, but wait til I'm 60 and my husband is 70 and I'm pushing him around in a wheelchair or foregoing vacations b/c he can't keep up! (my parents are 10 years apart) "Worry is interest paid on problems that haven't happened yet...." Besides, what if HE at 70 is pushing YOU at 60 in a wheelchair? It can happen. Besides, there are some men who eat healthy, work out and stay in shape mentally and physically so that they are every bit as healthy as someone many years younger. *raises hand* Besides I know very few men in their mid- to late 40s who would have much in common with me. I have not totally ruled it out, but just from looking at pictures and reading profiles, the 40+ crowd isn't for me. There are always a few exceptions of course. Might not be for you, until you meet an older guy who knocks your socks off. My point is, if you eliminate men based solely on their age there is a good chance you have written off Mr. Right before you have even met him. I'm sure that you might find this sort of insulting, but that's how I feel when the guys who are my age or a couple years older (younger than 35) only want to date some barely-out-of-college 23 year old ditz! Not insulted at all. To each their own. Just as I have been told "Stop eliminating single moms" (which I have), it took someone else helping me overcome my own insecurities before I would step outside of my own perceived "wish list" and started opening myself up to all possibilities. So far, I'm having fun. And by the way -- it's also been my experience that date of birth means nothing with age. It's their age MENTALLY that matters, not their age physically. Cheers. Edited January 11, 2010 by CaliGuy
skydiveaddict Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Worry is interest paid on problems that haven't happened yet...." Caliguy is absolutly right. I work out, lift weights, ride motorcycles and skydive. I'm 51 yrs old. I dont even consider the age of girls i date. But most of them are at least ten years younger than me. You're getting way ahead of yourself thinking about wheelchairs. concentrate on the here and now. find what you want and GO FOR IT! Everyday that goes by is one you can NEVER get back
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 No it's not at all about looks or age or that sort of thing. It's their approach, things they say, they're so inappropriately forward. Sometimes they come off desperate which makes me think "I guess I'm here because I'm desperate too'. The word your friend uses, creepers, is perfect to sum it up. YOU are not desperate. Online dating does not = desperation. Its merely a way to reach a broader audience. I havent even asked a girl for her number yet, yet alone say something creepy. I have been out with 9 girls in 6 weeks. So maybe my approach works better than the creepers;)
stace79 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Worry is interest paid on problems that haven't happened yet...." Caliguy is absolutly right. I work out, lift weights, ride motorcycles and skydive. I'm 51 yrs old. I dont even consider the age of girls i date. But most of them are at least ten years younger than me. You're getting way ahead of yourself thinking about wheelchairs. concentrate on the here and now. find what you want and GO FOR IT! Everyday that goes by is one you can NEVER get back Easy for the older guys to say when they're trying to "bed" younger women. Yet if I were to say that to a guy ten years my junior, I'd probably get laughed at, labeled as a cougar and dismissed. It's an insulting double standard that I'm supposed to be "more accepting" of older men, but younger men dating older women is taboo.
potatoepie3 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I did take my photo down ....we are still together....kinda....we are still trying to get over this "bump in the road"...My problem is after 5 dates I like him....perhaps this time away from each other is our defining moment.... The main problem with online dating is indeed "expectations" -- as if somehow online dating is going to magically bring a PERFECT MATE to you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Online dating is full of everyday, average people. If you keep in mind that they are presenting only what they feel are their best qualities and best photos you'll understand that there are other aspects hidden from view that you'll find out once you start dating. The ratio is probably 5-1 guys/girls so yes, you're going to be bombarded. Especially if you put up very attractive pictures. If you put up any "relealing" photos, then it will get even worse. There are quality men there, you just have to know how to find them. My suggestion? Take your photo down and email any of the men who are interesting to YOU. They'll eventually ask to see your photo and hopefully, at that time, you'll have a good match. I'm pretty much off of online dating. But that's simply because I have had much more success meeting people in person. Cheers.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Yet if I were to say that to a guy ten years my junior, I'd probably get laughed at, labeled as a cougar and dismissed. It's an insulting double standard that I'm supposed to be "more accepting" of older men, but younger men dating older women is taboo. There's no double standard, no "taboo" whatsoever, there are few if any men who are going to look down at you for dating younger. In fact, if anyone does look down on you, it will be women, and they will be merely envious or catty. IME, after both parties are 30 or near it, only extreme age gaps raise eyebrows. Yes, at your current age, dating a 20 y.o. might get people talking, not due to the age gap, but due to the current cultural norm that 20 y.o.s are still somehow babies to be protected, and this absurd notion comes from a current flaw in society and deification of children, not from any rational grounds.
citygal1 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I think 1 major problem on dating sites is unrealistic expectations. I'm not suggesting a woman should be interested in any man that contacts him. A woman probably will get emails from men who are perverts, too aggressive, clearly not a match etc. But on the other hand, I don't think a woman should quickly reject a man simply he doesn't exactly match a long list of requirements. There should be some middle ground. I think impatience is another major problem. Many people want major fireworks on the first or second date. Otherwise they will quickly lose interest. Provided that there were no clear dealbreakers, I might go 3-4 dates before making a decision. Sometimes chemistry can gradually develop over time when 2 people get to know each other better. Chemistry between myself and my current BF didn't really start to develop until the 3rd date.
thegreatmoose Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I just signed up to my first online dating site. Everyone around me has been really pushing for me to do this so 4 days a go I finally broke down and created a profile. So far it's been absolutely horrible and it damaged my self esteem. First day the second I put my picture up, haven't even written a word in my profile, I get bombarded with dozens and dozens of messages from really gross guys. I field some of the messages but realize if I even write a thank you for a compliment some of these guys pretty much take that as some sort of relationship opening and start calling me honey and sweetheart right away, which makes me want to puke. I tell my friends I'm not going back. They say 'you've only done this for a day, don't give up'. 'You're being too picky because you don't want to date'. Truthfully I did want to date until joining this site now I want to hide in a dark corner of my apartment. I'm an open minded person so I decide to give it another try. I actually take matters into my own hands and search hundreds of profiles to find two guys that seem like a match and actually list some things that we can talk about. One guy didn't answer at all which is fine, the other wrote back in a day or two. We talked via messenger for a while but it fizzled out pretty quickly since he didn't ask me one question about me, just kept talking about himself so I ran out of things to say back to him. He gave me his email address but I never contacted him. I don't think I can bring myself to go to that site again. I don't understand why but I feel absolutely horrible about myself after joining, as if I walked through a construction site naked. The funny thing is everyone I talked to about this says they know people who have met their soul mates on dating sites. When I ask em 'how did it go for you' they all say 'ah you know not so good'. What I see is you are turning a positive into a negative. Getting a lot of emails should give you confidence that men find you attractive in some way at least. What's so nice about online dating is that it takes 5 seonds to "next" someone by deleting their email. Never ever email someone back that you have no interest in or those who send poor emails. They are not worth the time and it wastes your time. If you get 20 emails and only 1 is good, you should sepnd no more than a couple minutes deleting the other 19. Spend most of your time replying to the good ones. Also, there's usually a wink feature in online dating. It's a great feature for women to use. This tells us men that you are interested, but costs you very little time. If the man is interested, he will email you back. If not, it cost you little time. Taking your picture down will mean most men will not contact you. I have a hard time trusting profiles without pictures. Make it clear in your profiles what you want and that will eliminate some of the unwanted emails. There will always be some men who write one line emails to every woman on the site and you just have to delete these. I'm a guy so I don't get a lot of emails since most expect the guy to send the initial email. I still throw out the emails I do get from the women I'm not interested in. Don't expect instant results, unless you get really lucky. Good guys will email you if you have a good profile, but you have to sift through bad emails to find them.
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