HeAteMyHeart Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Ok...here it goes.... I am new to this forum so please bear with me. I'm in a sucky situation. I have been married for 19 years, I am 41. We have 2 children 10 & 14. I found out 4 years ago, yes 4, that my husband was having an affair. My husband is in law enforcement and so is the OW. They are both high raking but from different departments within the same area. They met at a conference and started their affair. I discovered the affair by finding an email with flight info. He flew her out to meet him in Miami at a supposed business trip. Needless to say when I found the email I was destroyed. I could not breathe. I wanted to die. I confronted him about it and he denied the affair. He knew I didn't believe him so he admitted that he was seeing her but never had sex. I didn't believe him. We entered into counceling and went 2-3 times a week at first. This continued for 3 years dropping down to once a week there abouts. All along during counceling he never would admit to having sex. He kept denying it...but I just knew it was true. It wasn't until the 4th year that he admitted to sleeping with her after I told him that I wasn't going another step until he admits something. Even still he says it was just twice. Once in Miami and once in D.C. I know for a fact he was seeing her for over a year because I found phone records with daily multiple phone calls. I'm sorry but a man does not talk to another woman that much and not be getting sex out of it. He also had a PO box! He never openly admitted to anything about the affair..he only admitted to things I uncovered. The problem is now...I find it difficult to move forward. I want to forgive him but I feel like so much trust is lost. When we went into therapy we agreed that we would be honest and if we weren't going to be, then there was no point. He was never honest...for 3 years of therapy. He watched me take antidepressants because I felt like I was going crazy. The councelor told me to believe him too. That I had to believe what he was saying in order to heal. But I knew he was lying. I sank into such a depression. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I honestly feel like he hasn't done much to repair the relationship. In his eyes he feels like he's done everything! Yes, he lets me know more about his whereabouts but still, he has emails that I can't access because of his work. He has a work cell phone that I have no access to. So I have to either trust him or not. I've tried to live with the attitude of: Give him the rope and let him hang himself. I used to worry about everything he does but that just makes me nuts. I don't respect him, I don't admire him anymore and that is really hard for me. He is well respected in his field and admired by ALOT of people. I have to go to events where he speaks about leadership, integrity, doing the right thing as law enforcement, blah blah blah...makes me sick...seems like such a farce. I met my husband when I was 18 and have loved him my whole life. I have always been a willing sexual partner...even at 19 years married we have sex at least twice a week. I don't claim to be a perfect wife but I try very damn hard. I own 2 home based businesses and take care of my kids mostly by myself. He works a lot and I am alone quite often. He is never home for dinner due to how late he works (by choice, he makes his own hours, he can go in early so he could be home for dinner, at least once a week I asked, he can't do that either). He claims he wants to move forward, but I am stuck feeling bad. I feel completely emotionally detached from him in order to preserve my feelings. Sex is boring but I do it anyways. I fantasize about other men just so I can feel something. It sucks. Sometimes I just think I should cut my losses and divorce him, but my kids keep me working on it. I don't like the idea of sharing my kids with some other woman he may end up with. Also, I have worked damn hard at building my life...my home, my comforts, why should I have to lose everything because of a choice he made. I have no idea what to do, but I know I can't keep living like this. We fight about everything and everything he does annoys me because I am so hurt all the time. I just wish it could all go away.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 The problem is now...I find it difficult to move forward. I want to forgive him but I feel like so much trust is lost. When we went into therapy we agreed that we would be honest and if we weren't going to be, then there was no point. He was never honest...for 3 years of therapy. He watched me take antidepressants because I felt like I was going crazy. The councelor told me to believe him too. That I had to believe what he was saying in order to heal. But I knew he was lying. I sank into such a depression. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I honestly feel like he hasn't done much to repair the relationship. In his eyes he feels like he's done everything! Yes, he lets me know more about his whereabouts but still, he has emails that I can't access because of his work. He has a work cell phone that I have no access to. So I have to either trust him or not. I've tried to live with the attitude of: Give him the rope and let him hang himself. I used to worry about everything he does but that just makes me nuts. I don't respect him, I don't admire him anymore and that is really hard for me. He is well respected in his field and admired by ALOT of people. I have to go to events where he speaks about leadership, integrity, doing the right thing as law enforcement, blah blah blah...makes me sick...seems like such a farce. I met my husband when I was 18 and have loved him my whole life. I have always been a willing sexual partner...even at 19 years married we have sex at least twice a week. I don't claim to be a perfect wife but I try very damn hard. I own 2 home based businesses and take care of my kids mostly by myself. He works a lot and I am alone quite often. He is never home for dinner due to how late he works (by choice, he makes his own hours, he can go in early so he could be home for dinner, at least once a week I asked, he can't do that either). He claims he wants to move forward, but I am stuck feeling bad. I feel completely emotionally detached from him in order to preserve my feelings. Sex is boring but I do it anyways. I fantasize about other men just so I can feel something. It sucks. Sometimes I just think I should cut my losses and divorce him, but my kids keep me working on it. I don't like the idea of sharing my kids with some other woman he may end up with. Also, I have worked damn hard at building my life...my home, my comforts, why should I have to lose everything because of a choice he made. I have no idea what to do, but I know I can't keep living like this. We fight about everything and everything he does annoys me because I am so hurt all the time. I just wish it could all go away. first of all I am so sorry you feel this pain. I don't even know how you feel but I can tell by your words that you are in some serious suffering. Your H doesn't deserve you one bit. He went to counseling and thats ALL he has to do to make things okay? I think you should seriously think about plan D because you are sending out the wrong message to your children by staying with a man who has destroyed your world. Why should you have to lose everything because he made a mistake? you don't and you've already lost enough of yourself to his selfish behavior. You need to find yourself again and I know that sounds scary since you married him young..but I honestly think you would be much better off. Good luck
PhoenixRise Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Ok...here it goes.... I am new to this forum so please bear with me. I'm in a sucky situation. I have been married for 19 years, I am 41. We have 2 children 10 & 14. I found out 4 years ago, yes 4, that my husband was having an affair. My husband is in law enforcement and so is the OW. They are both high raking but from different departments within the same area. They met at a conference and started their affair. I discovered the affair by finding an email with flight info. He flew her out to meet him in Miami at a supposed business trip. Needless to say when I found the email I was destroyed. I could not breathe. I wanted to die. I confronted him about it and he denied the affair. He knew I didn't believe him so he admitted that he was seeing her but never had sex. I didn't believe him. We entered into counceling and went 2-3 times a week at first. This continued for 3 years dropping down to once a week there abouts. All along during counceling he never would admit to having sex. He kept denying it...but I just knew it was true. It wasn't until the 4th year that he admitted to sleeping with her after I told him that I wasn't going another step until he admits something. Even still he says it was just twice. Once in Miami and once in D.C. I know for a fact he was seeing her for over a year because I found phone records with daily multiple phone calls. I'm sorry but a man does not talk to another woman that much and not be getting sex out of it. He also had a PO box! He never openly admitted to anything about the affair..he only admitted to things I uncovered. The problem is now...I find it difficult to move forward. I want to forgive him but I feel like so much trust is lost. When we went into therapy we agreed that we would be honest and if we weren't going to be, then there was no point. He was never honest...for 3 years of therapy. He watched me take antidepressants because I felt like I was going crazy. The councelor told me to believe him too. That I had to believe what he was saying in order to heal. But I knew he was lying. I sank into such a depression. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I honestly feel like he hasn't done much to repair the relationship. In his eyes he feels like he's done everything! Yes, he lets me know more about his whereabouts but still, he has emails that I can't access because of his work. He has a work cell phone that I have no access to. So I have to either trust him or not. I've tried to live with the attitude of: Give him the rope and let him hang himself. I used to worry about everything he does but that just makes me nuts. I don't respect him, I don't admire him anymore and that is really hard for me. He is well respected in his field and admired by ALOT of people. I have to go to events where he speaks about leadership, integrity, doing the right thing as law enforcement, blah blah blah...makes me sick...seems like such a farce. I met my husband when I was 18 and have loved him my whole life. I have always been a willing sexual partner...even at 19 years married we have sex at least twice a week. I don't claim to be a perfect wife but I try very damn hard. I own 2 home based businesses and take care of my kids mostly by myself. He works a lot and I am alone quite often. He is never home for dinner due to how late he works (by choice, he makes his own hours, he can go in early so he could be home for dinner, at least once a week I asked, he can't do that either). He claims he wants to move forward, but I am stuck feeling bad. I feel completely emotionally detached from him in order to preserve my feelings. Sex is boring but I do it anyways. I fantasize about other men just so I can feel something. It sucks. Sometimes I just think I should cut my losses and divorce him, but my kids keep me working on it. I don't like the idea of sharing my kids with some other woman he may end up with. Also, I have worked damn hard at building my life...my home, my comforts, why should I have to lose everything because of a choice he made. I have no idea what to do, but I know I can't keep living like this. We fight about everything and everything he does annoys me because I am so hurt all the time. I just wish it could all go away. I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I think after an affair, there is a difference in "reconciling" and "staying together" I think after dday there are many married couples who stay together without ever truly reconciling and it looks to me like this is what you and your H did. Reconciliation requires true remorse on the part of the WS and it requires truth and honesty. It also requires growth on the part of the WS and the BS. It looks like your H has only gone through the motions without doing any of the hard work that goes into true growth. You must fear that if he is still lying to you about the details of the affair with this co-worker then he is still lying about other things as well. Maybe you feel that because he is not coming clean, you can't trust him not to cheat again. All valid fears. Here is the thing though. As much as it hurts you. As much as you wish things were different, as much as you feel that this is not fair to you (I agree, it is NOT fair), YOU can't make him be honest. You can't make him value his family. You can't make him grow and be the decent honest man you thought you married. All you can do is decide for yourself, based on the actual facts on the ground, is how long are you are willing to put up with the status quo? You can't count on your H changing....he has shown no inclination to do so. Do you have a deadline in mind by which time if the marriage doesn't improve you will leave?
RedDevil66 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 He knows you'll never leave so he's not going to do the work. Cheaters are wounded and great liars. They will swear on their own kids if it meant not getting caught. Forget couples therapy, go to therapy alone. A word of advice and this is not to critisize, but you need to get out of the victim role and take your power back. Rebuilding trust is close to impossible. Especially when the cheater does not work hard on their spiritual healing. I've been in your shoes and was the walking dead! Come back to life
Angel1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 He has completely betrayed you, and then he topped that cake off with yrs of lies while you tormented yourself. I guarantee you that he had sex with the OW more than twice, as if that even matters. I think the only reason he wants to stay in the marriage is because he doesn't want to give up his comforts either. He loses a lot more than you, that's for sure. Btw, did you know that any woman married to a man for more than 10 yrs can draw on his social security when she turns 65? That means your social security and his. It doesn't effect what he gets, it's just an addition to the wife. It's true - look it up. Personally, I couldn't stay in a marriage like this, nor could I look him in the eye every day but - you know - whatever floats your boat. You have your security no matter what. I think the best suggestion on here is that you go to counseling for yourself and leave him out of the picture. You have every reason to be livid with him. If you can't get past this, then don't pretend. Tell him that you're just not into him or the marriage right now and that you need time to deal with his trail of lies. One thing, though, about the kids - be very careful about what your actions are teaching them.
bluestraps Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You are a loyal person. Your husband made promises to you. You have children who should benefit from seing their Father and Mother in a loving marriage. So far hes not living up to his end. There are so many men who are not in touch with their emotions, He sounds like one. As a law enforcement oficer there is a certain amont of power he holds. Does he have a agressive personality , is he very intense? Not necassarily abusive but is he one of thoes agressive personalities. He seems to be treating you and your marriage in the same way. You and your Husband need to get more counciling. If No changes occour you may want to consider ending it. You also probably feel comfort in your current situation. You dont want to make a change , and are afraid of what the changes will be. Sometimes people cant change . Sometimes it takes something in particular to occour for a personal change to take place.
Angel1111 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Btw, did you know that any woman married to a man for more than 10 yrs can draw on his social security when she turns 65? That means your social security and his. It doesn't effect what he gets, it's just an addition to the wife. It's true - look it up. I forgot to add something to this - you have to the the first wife of the man. I think it's called the first wife benefit, or something like that.
reboot Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You can only draw one Social Security. Only if he dies can she draw his instead of hers. She can't have both.
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