BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 My H is insistant that he pays (350$) for a lie detector test. If you read my previous posts..it goes way back to the begining of our R and at this point I love the S*** outta him and our relationship has grown soooo much stronger since all the recent problems hit the fan. but I can honestly say I do not trust him one bit that he hasn't slept with anyone in the past behind my back. Yeah it sucks to think that, but I trust him now. Hes grown up alot over the years and taken responsibility for his actions. HE wants to do it to ease my mind..in a way I think it would help. has anyone been here? and NO this isn't me being jealous over things..he has had some SERIOUS boundary issues..and is now in counseling for sexual addiction. His counselor thinks its a good idea...any thoughts would be appreciated.. I think I'm more afraid to find the truth than to risk it and finally have closure..He wants so badly to have my trust again.
reboot Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Trust is a choice. He didn't earn it originally; he can't earn it now. You either choose to trust him or you choose not to. Only you can decide if taking a lie detector test would help you make that choice.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 My H wanted to take a lie detector test after I found out about his affair. He wanted to prove to me that he was telling the truth. Since I already knew more of the truth than I needed, we had a spa day instead. It was lovely.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 My H wanted to take a lie detector test after I found out about his affair. He wanted to prove to me that he was telling the truth. Since I already knew more of the truth than I needed, we had a spa day instead. It was lovely. JEalous... I know that its a choice. but the fact that he wants to take one makes me think he doesn't have anything to hide ya know? I just don't want to go there its seems so Jerry springer.
reboot Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Maury was the first thought that popped into my head, but I didn't want to say that.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 JEalous... I know that its a choice. but the fact that he wants to take one makes me think he doesn't have anything to hide ya know? I just don't want to go there its seems so Jerry springer. The way I saw it I knew my H had an affair. I saw the emails and heard the voice messages. I saw the phone bills. He told me more details than I really needed. After I got my fill of the truth I needed to focus on my future. I needed to decide what was best for me. The fact that he wanted to take a lie detector test was tempting. But what good would it do? Did I even want to know if there was more? Would it really matter? Nothing would change the fact that he had an affair with an OW and our marriage was in jeopardy. The hours we spent in MC did far more good than any lie detector test could have. When I told him there was no need for a lie detector test, it showed him (and me) that we were on our way to recovery. And, the spa day together was a step forward.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 The way I saw it I knew my H had an affair. I saw the emails and heard the voice messages. I saw the phone bills. He told me more details than I really needed. After I got my fill of the truth I needed to focus on my future. I needed to decide what was best for me. The fact that he wanted to take a lie detector test was tempting. But what good would it do? Did I even want to know if there was more? Would it really matter? Nothing would change the fact that he had an affair with an OW and our marriage was in jeopardy. The hours we spent in MC did far more good than any lie detector test could have. When I told him there was no need for a lie detector test, it showed him (and me) that we were on our way to recovery. And, the spa day together was a step forward. See that is my issue He hasn't had an affair that I know of..if there was anything besides what I already know its probably a ONS..do I really want to know? I find it degrading in a way to take one.
imagine Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 A relationship is built on trust. The test will reveal his emotions - this is good. A key point is if he desires to stay with you apart from sex. The claim to do a lie detector test could either be a bluff or he NEEDS you to know that he is on the up and up. Take time to work out the questions.
moaningmyrtle Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 ...Take time to work out the questions. I hope this isn't a complete threadjack, but... has anyone got any advice on what sort of questions are best asked if I wanted to find out whether there had been other affairs or ONS apart from the long term affair I know of.
TerryW Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Please read my past posts re. LDT. I made my husband take one and wasn't really ready for the results. It may give you some insight. T
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 Thanks Terry! I have decided to go through with it. I think I deserve the truth..and at one point after I have healed, he deserves my trust. We will be doing it in march..we'll see
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) Psychologists and so-called experts are somewhat divided as to whether sexual addiction is a bona-fide real condition. This is how it's defined by Author, Patrick Carnes: "any sexually related, compulsive behaviour which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and one's work environment." he has an online sexual addiction test, which will help determine whether a person is a true sexual addict, or just can't keep it in their trousers/under their skirt. (sexhelp*dot*com) Oprah and Dr Phil are convinced it is. Others, aren't.... The above quotation from here. And something else to read: Finally, this. Edited January 13, 2010 by TaraMaiden
TerryW Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 The main reason I'm glad I did the LDT is that he'll think twice before he does this again. But there will be no next time for a test as I won't go through this again. As for the questions asked. I wrote down everything I wanted to know and started going over them again and again thinking can this be answered by another question already? I finally ended up with the ones that I really wanted to know.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 How many questions did you get to ask? Were there any questions that he stood firm & lied about until the test said otherwise?
TerryW Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) Go back and read my very first post. It's all in there. I want to add that you will need to also find a place to do a drug test to make sure he isn't taking something to mess with the results. There are places you can go and be anonymous. When you read my post you will see that there are "problems" with this test. How can he pass my first question but not the third? Edited January 15, 2010 by TerryW
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