Anybody here Transformed their Personality?

January 11, 2010

I have a big hang-up in regard to how others perceive me, albeit I don't agree with much of it. However, one of the few things they perceive me as is actually true: I'm boring. I've been called this and related words directly, I've heard it through implication, and I've heard it through the grapevine. Oh, and in the past I've made women yawn during dates...

The problem is that I'm painfully shy; and therefore it takes me a couple of months to get to feel comfortable around others (and that's only around SOME others. I rarely ever get to a stage of complete ease). When I'm not comfortable around others I tense up. I can make small talk (e.g. weather, TV shows) but it's getting BEYOND that that is the hard part. I rarely ever develop RAPPORT with others. And I think that's what's sabbotaging my endeavours to establish friendships and romantic relationships. (Whilst I had a few in the past, it was when I was drinking. But I don't drink anymore). In addition, I don't use HUMOUR in conversations (I did when I was drunk, though), as I'm not confident that my jokes would work and I'd feel embarrassed if they didn't. But I think using humour is a big part of lighthearted conversation.

So, now knowing my situation, I want to read from former shy, reticient people who've managed to transform into effervescent and outgoing people. (I've signed up with Toastmasters, hoping that'll help.)

Edited January 11, 2010 by Marek

January 11, 2010

You just need to go out and take risks.

The catch 22 is

Confidence breeds success... Success breeds Confidence.

You establish rapport by getting the girls to ask you questions and vice versa. You wont get anywhere unless you get past the mundane small talk and establish an emotional connection with the girl. She has to feel that you are worth her time and energy to get to know.

Use your humor.. forget if they don't laugh.. laughter is how you break tension.. the one that laughs is the one that wants to release the tension. You want to make them happy but don;'t be the comedian that only makes them laugh, you have to attract them also and humor is a good way to get that started.

Alternate something high energy and funny with something lower that lets you get to know the girl.. take her on a rollercoaster that she wont forget.

January 11, 2010

You establish rapport by getting the girls to ask you questions and vice versa.

That's what I do, but when I do it just sounds so... mechanical, like a job interview.

You wont get anywhere unless you get past the mundane small talk and establish an emotional connection with the girl

You're right. But what do you mean by "emotional connection"? I read that buzz-phrase around here a fair bet yet I don't exactly know what it means.

Use your humor.. forget if they don't laugh.. laughter is how you break tension

That's true. Well I haven't been using humour whilst so sober and it hasn't been working, so I suppose I should just loosen up.

Thanks for the advice, YukiKazi.

January 11, 2010

That's what I do, but when I do it just sounds so... mechanical, like a job interview.

You're right. But what do you mean by "emotional connection"? I read that buzz-phrase around here a fair bet yet I don't exactly know what it means.

That's true. Well I haven't been using humour whilst so sober and it hasn't been working, so I suppose I should just loosen up.

Thanks for the advice, YukiKazi.

Don't ask them that crap in the first meeting.. who cares what they do or what classes they attend (unless you are both in school)

Do you want to talk about your job when you aren't at it? Do you think she does? talk about other things situational.. no politics or religion or jobs or anything that most everyday chump opens her up with. Save that stuff for the first date when you need stuff to talk about. Keep the first encounter light happy and fun. Crack jokes.. tease her about something.. get her to comment on other people and share an inside joke.

An emotional connection is what a girl needs.. they are more feeling then guys are. If there is no emotional connection then there is no reason for them to progress with you. They have to feel like they want to get to know you. You want to associate yourself wiht happy thoughts.. hence the first meeting is light and fun so they have a pleasant memory of you. When you do the usual "interview" questions the first encounter.. how are you any different then any other guy? You aren't being memorable.

You need to develop the attitude of "I don;'t give a **** what anyone thinks" Women do like a guy that has the confidence and strength to not care what others think.. its not your fault the girl has no sense of humor.. you know the joke is funny.. if you always act like what you say is normal, then eventually she will accept it as such. You want to bring her into your world.

January 11, 2010

I haven't done that but my ex changed from a shy, homebody to Mr. Personality with my help. I convinced him that he couldn't be stuck in his room all day and needed to get out and make friends and hang out with other people like I was doing. And it worked! Just find your own personal cheerleader and wingman/girl and go for it! The only way you can gain confidence is by actively getting out there and meeting new people. Don't be afraid of what others think of you because if they don't like you too bad, their loss. Not everyone is going to like everybody.

January 11, 2010

You can transform your personality by doing new things. I think signing up for toastmasters was a great action to take. It will get you talking, it will open up who you are and get you use to sharing that with other people.

Are you ready to share yourself with other people? Because that's what it's about, from my point of view.

When you are shy and closed off to people, you hold onto yourself in fear. You are afraid to get hurt, afraid to express yourself, afraid of public opinion. Have the courage to express yourself, have the courage to be who you are, have the courage to live your life as you want it. Don't lock yourself up inside. You are missing out on so much.

I tend to be quiet in large groups, and not participate. I also tend to not express myself enough or clearly to a person when it's one-on-one. Lots of things hold me back. But by holding myself back, I don't get expressed. And by not expressing myself, I'm just a body going through the motions. It's an awful pattern I need to break.

I am new to my own self-expression, but I am transforming my quiet personality. I want to be heard. I have something to say. I want to contribute. I want to express myself to be heard and listened to, because I know others can contribute to me as well.

.... In the dating world, you need to express who you are. Don't be shy. Don't be afraid of expressing yourself, of letting that person know who you are, what your about, about your life. That is how they get to know you, that is when they will decide that you are not a boring person. And when you genuinely listen to who they are and ask questions about their life, you will build that rapport with them.