tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Guy #3 and I talked late last night and I found out that he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone. I'm not hurt by the disclosure at all. I suppose because deep down I was expecting it and I was somewhat skeptical of him the entire time--especially after posting my last thread . I suppose also the fact that I didn't put all my eggs into one basket helped a lot--I'm still seeing Guy #1 and I recently signed back up for OKCupid. I'm not sure what to do with him now though. Yeah, I could just get rid of him altogether since he doesn't fit my original intention, but I also could get a bit more fun out of him while I'm still single. I never slept with him, but the point we did get to told me he'd be rather fantastic in bed, and I'm willing to go a little ways in order to just get laid well. So I'm seriously considering having him as a once in a while long-distance dalliance for as long as I'm not in a relationship. Bonus: I inadvertently caused a little drama for him. He asked me if I knew that my profile pictures could be seen by "anyone on Facebook". I said, "No." He said that the other girl he's been seeing had asked him about the nature of his relationship with me, though he'd never mentioned me by name to her. She'd seen that I "liked" one of his profile pictures, clicked on my name and could then see all my other profile pictures--including two he'd taken of me, and she made "certain connections". I said, "Well you know what they say about curiosity..." He said, "Hahaha, true. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't see. Just for context on how I knew, is all." And I did change my privacy settings. Don't want any psychotic possessive chicks stalking me.
OnlyJake Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I don't know your history. How long have you been seeing Guy #3? And do you only want to date someone who is willing to be exclusive (ie someone who doesn't multidate), or is that just if you're sleeping with him? I'm not sure why it would bother you that he doesn't want to date you exclusively at this point in time, but it doesn't bother you to sleep with him without exclusivity. Is that something you've thought about? Honestly, it sounds like you're not against multi-dating, since you're doing it yourself, so maybe it depends on how long you've been seeing him, but is it really a bad thing that he's not sure if he wants to be exclusive with you (or anyone else) right now? In my experience it takes people different and varying lengths of time to determine those things. What's your reasoning for multi-dating yourself, but not wanting to continue seeing this guy if he doesn't want to be exclusive with you right now? Did your relationship get to the point where you wanted to be exclusive with him? Is that why you brought it up with him? If you like the guy and you're also multi-dating I'm not sure why you wouldn't continue to see him until something changes one way or another. You seem a bit antagonistic toward Guy #3. Why are you happy to have caused him drama? You really seem to have a problem with him seeing other women. I doubt you caused him much drama, as he appears to be open about his dating other people, and maybe has established his boundaries and is sticking to them with you, and with this other girl.
Author tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) I never said it was a "bad" thing that he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone. It's what he wants; it's his choice. You're right; as long as I'm not in a relationship I don't have to stop seeing him if I like him. I didn't think of it that way. But I did want to be exclusive with him, so though I'm not truly bummed out about what he said, I do kinda feel like in continuing to see him I'd be "settling" for something I didn't really want. But I'm not sure if that even makes sense if I'm continuing to multi-date. *confused face* And as for the "bonus" I didn't mean it the way it sounded. Should've used a different word to describe it . He didn't seem upset by what had happened at all; just used it to I guess warn me about my privacy settings, which was good of him. I appreciate that. I honestly thought it was amusing--that's what you get for snooping around and whatnot, you know. I never asked him about this other girl; I knew it would be better to know nothing, but I guess she didn't feel the same way. Edited January 11, 2010 by tigressA
OnlyJake Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I never said it was a "bad" thing that he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone. It's what he wants; it's his choice. You're right; as long as I'm not in a relationship I don't have to stop seeing him if I like him. I didn't think of it that way. Well, only if you feel that's right for you! If you've been seeing him for awhile, and you know you want to be exclusive with him, and you feel you'd be wasting your time by continuing to date him when he doesn't currently feel the same way, you'd be smart to stop seeing him. If it hasn't been that long, or you haven't been on a lot of dates, then it's totally reasonable that he doesn't want to commit right now, and so you might not be wasting your time if you continue seeing him in the meantime. And as for the "bonus" I didn't mean it the way it sounded. Should've used a different word to describe it . He didn't seem upset by what had happened at all; just used it to I guess warn me about my privacy settings, which was good of him. I appreciate that. I honestly thought it was amusing--that's what you get for snooping around and whatnot, you know. I never asked him about this other girl; I knew it would be better to know nothing, but I guess she didn't feel the same way. Is it possible that he wasn't open and forthcoming with this other girl that he was seeing other people? It seems entirely plausible that they are more serious than you and he are. There was absolutely no reason for him to bring that up with you. I would even go so far as to say it's TACKY of him to bring up his other girl's checking up on him/you with you. WTF. I think he was passively hinting that you should change your settings to make his life easier (and lucky him, you did!); probably because he's into this other girl but wants to keep seeing you or something like that.
Author tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Is it possible that he wasn't open and forthcoming with this other girl that he was seeing other people? It seems entirely plausible that they are more serious than you and he are. There was absolutely no reason for him to bring that up with you. I would even go so far as to say it's TACKY of him to bring up his other girl's checking up on him/you with you. WTF. I think he was passively hinting that you should change your settings to make his life easier (and lucky him, you did!); probably because he's into this other girl but wants to keep seeing you or something like that. Yeah, that's what I was thinking at first, which is really why I used the word "bonus". Hahaha. He never mentioned this other girl to me by name though, either. Just that he was seeing someone else, a coworker, that's all he said. Though it would seem that he never mentioned me to this other girl, period. And I did change my settings back to how they were before. Edited January 11, 2010 by tigressA
shadowplay Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Tigress, really ask yourself what you want. I get the vibe you're really looking for something exclusive but settling for this situation because you couldn't get that. We're all built differently, but I don't know many women who want a relationship with the right guy and would happily settle for an arrangement like this. Personally, I wouldn't be able to do it. Don't sleep with him unless it's something you really, truly want. Don't do it lightly.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Tigress, I would ditch the guy #3 before you get more attached. If guy #1 is not doing it for you, don't be afraid to ditch him too and keep looking. The way I avoid guy #3 situation is that I refuse to go out with anyone who says upfront that they are after a short term thing. Be it on the first few dates or before. In 99% of the cases, they don't change their mind so it's not worth it for me to invest any time and energy into the situation.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Oh, that stinks about Guy #3. My guy #3 wanted the same things I did. (And it's all hunky doory now!) I think you need to do some serious soul searching about how attached you will get to Guy #3 if you keep seeing him, even knowing that he doesn't want to date only you. If you like him more than anyone else you are dating, it will be hard for you to really put yourself out there when the right one who does want only you comes along. I don't want to see you miss a chance with a Mr. Right b/c Mr. #3 is in the way.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Guy #3 and I talked late last night and I found out that he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone. remember i told you he was a player and now he's lost interest cause you're not "putting out" Don't want any psychotic possessive chicks stalking me. trust me thats not fun
Author tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I appreciate all the input. I'm still not completely decided on what I really want to do. Thanks to the last thread I put up about this guy, I was able to detach myself a lot before we even had the talk. Your responses to the thread helped me see through what he was doing and put my gut feelings into the forefront, realizing that it definitely wasn't all about me. That's why I'm not at all surprised at the result of the discussion, and hardly disappointed--and the disappointment is rapidly fading. Additionally, I had reinstated my online profile before the last time I went to see him, so I have been actively looking elsewhere. The incident he brought up with this other girl, on top of me being able to see through his routine, made me look at him in a whole new light--a much harsher one--so I highly doubt that if I continued to keep seeing him as a mere dalliance, I'd let it get in the way of meeting a guy who fits my true intentions. On the surface, I don't see the harm in continuing to see him, because at this point my emotional attachment to him is hanging by a thread, I'm still single and have my eggs in more than one basket. Though I do definitely see your concerns and am keeping them in mind in figuring out my final decision. Again, I really appreciate all your help.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'd bet money that the chick Guy #3 is dating had no idea he was dating someone else and thought they were exclusive. I get really bad vibes from this guy. Frankly, I'd be afraid to sleep with him for fear of catching something. Really not trying to be rude, just honest.
Author tigressA Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I'd bet money that the chick Guy #3 is dating had no idea he was dating someone else and thought they were exclusive. I get really bad vibes from this guy. Frankly, I'd be afraid to sleep with him for fear of catching something. Really not trying to be rude, just honest. Yeah, that's kind of the vibe I got too. He said, in telling me about what happened, that he had "never mentioned you (me) by name to her". He could've just included that as a way to cover his tracks. He had told me he was seeing someone else; he'd just described her as a coworker, didn't say anything else about it. Though the way he told the story, including the "She asked me about the nature of my relationship with you" really hints at the idea that she had no clue at all. I know nothing of their relationship and I'd prefer to continue it like that. Obviously this girl wasn't content with knowing nothing, which speaks either of this guy's sketchiness or her insecurity/possessiveness. Or both.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Always listen to that gut feeling! My spidey sense has a knack for identifying wackadoo's right away....making myself actually listen to spidey sense is a topic for an entirely different thread. FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!!!
Author tigressA Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Well, I have to be totally honest and say that I expected the incident with that girl, or at the very least someone else he knew, to occur. I was aware my profile pictures were able to be seen by "friends of friends". I expected her to succumb to that natural female curiosity, click on my name that was on his profile, and see the pictures that connected me to him. With his reaction, I have much greater insight into his character and whatever I decide to do, I'll know without a doubt I'll come out of it just fine.
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