1 movie, 3 affairs, 3 very DIFFERENT outcomes. OW do you get scared?

[atlnay]

Was watching White Oleander last night, saw it when it first came out and mostly followed the mother daughter dynamic, 8 years later, as an OW, I was MUCH more tuned into the adult situations. If you haven't seen the movies, I'm going to SPOIL most of it. You've been warned

 

Situation 1:

Michelle Pfeffer is cheated on by her boyfriend/SO. Knows he's seeing other woman but he took it to far and she kills him.

 

Situation 2:

Her daughter now has to go to a foster home. Her foster mom, Robin Wright Penn, lives with MM who ends up in some sort of relationship with MPs daughter. RWP suspects and even without concrete proof, one night gets drunk and shoots the daughter in the shoulder.

 

Situation 3:

Daughter now lives with Renee Zellweger, an out of work actress whose director hubby may or may not be having an affair. After going to visit MP in prison, MP pushes RZ on the affair, perhaps making it clear to her it's really going on. RZ snaps and kills herself.

 

3 affairs, 3 acts of extreme violence, granted it's a movie, but still. Makes getting thrown under the bus a bit more palpable (I'm kidding) but you know what I mean.

 

OW do you truly FEAR a violent end, either her hurting herself, him and/or you? If you don't fear that, why not? What makes you feel untouchable?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

ya know? Its just a movie but IT DOES happen. Scott peterson killed his wife while she was pregnant and he was sleeping with that tranny looking lady. Just the other night on forensic files there was a man who was married and had 2 mistresses. One of the OW showed up where he was with the OOW and she shot her. People are crazy.

[OWoman]

OW do you truly FEAR a violent end, either her hurting herself, him and/or you? If you don't fear that, why not? What makes you feel untouchable?

 

I was more scared that I'd hurt HER...

[Untouchable_Fire]

OW do you truly FEAR a violent end, either her hurting herself, him and/or you? If you don't fear that, why not? What makes you feel untouchable?

 

All kinds of bad things can happen when you get strong emotions like that involved. That goes for many other types of situations, not just affairs.

[moaningmyrtle]

Many years ago I worked with a man called N... He sat in the desk next to mine. Over a period of weeks he complained that a male acquaintance of his, who was a policeman had left bullets on the windscreen of his car. He had reported this to the guy's supervisor.

 

One Monday he didn't show up to work. He had been having an affair with the policeman's wife. On the Saturday night while the wife and N... were in bed together the policemen broke in and shot N... dead in bed. He then turned the gun on himself, dying about a week later.

[Austen]

White Oleander is one of my favorite books and movies. Thanks for bringing a perspective to it I hadn't thought of before!

Yes, as the OW, I do sometimes think about the possibility that violence could be directed at the MM or me. I think it's extremely unlikely, but then again who's usually expecting this stuff when it finally happens?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The real life stories are sometimes even more bizarre and horrifying. Remember Betty Broderick?

[bentnotbroken]

Steve Mcnair killed by OW on July 4th, 2009 because he had OOW.

[OWoman]

The real life stories are sometimes even more bizarre and horrifying. Remember Betty Broderick?

 

Nope. Who was she?

[OWoman]

Steve Mcnair killed by OW on July 4th, 2009 because he had OOW.

 

Who? Someone you knew, or someone famous (in the US)?

[OWoman]

Someone I had actually heard of has been in the news lately - because of an A.

 

Peter Robinson, First Minister of Northern Ireland, has stood down for 6 weeks pending an investigation into his role in a scandal involving his W and her fOM. Basically, devolution in NI is under threat because some 60yr old woman got the hots for some teenage kid she had sort of adopted after his father (with whom she'd allegedly had an A, too) died. The press, of course, are having a field day with the "Mrs Robinson" aspects.... But yes, an A unravelling into violent consequences on a whole different scale....

[LucreziaBorgia]

You'd have to google her name to get the full story. It was even made into a TV movie here. She has a FB page as well, with plenty of supporters. Some of the comments are chilling.

 

No one deserves to be treated like Betty was in her marriage (she was basically discarded and replaced by a younger woman once her H became successful on Betty's dime), and no one deserves to go through what her children did, and certainly no one deserves to be gunned down in their own bed like Betty's exH and his OW-turned-W were. Horrible case all around.

[OWoman]

No one deserves to be treated like Betty was in her marriage (she was basically discarded and replaced by a younger woman once her H became successful on Betty's dime)

 

I disagree. I don't know the details of her story, so can't comment on whether or not SHE deserved it, but I'm pretty sure many Ws do. Successful spouses trade up all the time, discarding old, fat, frumpy or otherwise less than desirable spouses for newer, more attractive ones. Sometimes they do deserve it - "letting themselves go" when they know that image is important to their spouse's new elevated position, or becoming obsessed with kids / domestic drudge / work instead of improving themselves, too, to match the personal growth their spouse is achieving, or any other source of mismatch. Spouses can and do outgrow each other, and having done so, move on to someone more suitable. Life happens that way. The outgrown partner may not like it, but it's not automatically unconscionable.

 

Thanks LB for the summary - will google her and see what comes up!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I dunno. You'd have to read the story. Betty didn't start out fat, frumpy, etc. She only ended up that way after many years, children, and working to put her husband through school and help him establish his career. All she got in return was him cheating on her, gaslighting her into basic insanity, and then dumping her flat once she had damned near lost her mind from his gaslighting/lying/emotional manipulation. Her *really* atrocious behavior came after she was driven to the edge.

 

Sure, spouses outgrow each other all the time but there are better ways of letting someone go, particularly if you got to where you were on their sacrifices and total support.

 

I'm not defending what Betty did at the end by any means, but from reading her story I can see how she snapped the way she did.

[NoIDidn't]

ya know? Its just a movie but IT DOES happen. Scott peterson killed his wife while she was pregnant and he was sleeping with that tranny looking lady. Just the other night on forensic files there was a man who was married and had 2 mistresses. One of the OW showed up where he was with the OOW and she shot her. People are crazy.

 

I don't remember exactly when this happened, it was a couple of years ago (about two years ago). But an OW, found out that she had competition from a MOOW with her MM, and she sabotaged the woman's parachute. They all enjoyed sky diving.

 

The MOOW feel over 12000 feet to her death, all because of the psycho OW the MM was also seeing.

 

I think I read somewhere once that a good 30% of domestic violence and murders in the US is due to romantic relationships gone bad.

[NoIDidn't]

I disagree. I don't know the details of her story, so can't comment on whether or not SHE deserved it, but I'm pretty sure many Ws do. Successful spouses trade up all the time, discarding old, fat, frumpy or otherwise less than desirable spouses for newer, more attractive ones. Sometimes they do deserve it - "letting themselves go" when they know that image is important to their spouse's new elevated position, or becoming obsessed with kids / domestic drudge / work instead of improving themselves, too, to match the personal growth their spouse is achieving, or any other source of mismatch. Spouses can and do outgrow each other, and having done so, move on to someone more suitable. Life happens that way. The outgrown partner may not like it, but it's not automatically unconscionable.

 

Thanks LB for the summary - will google her and see what comes up!

 

 

:eek:

 

"Not automatically unconscionable?"

 

Wow. I think I see where you are going with it. I know a doctor who's W acts like SHE is the doctor and is REALLY nasty to everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if he left her, but I would still find it distasteful if he did her like Betty was done after all she did do for him in establishing his career and all.

 

Maybe after you read what he had done to Betty, you might change your mind. He really treated her like crap and deserved what he got in the end, if you ask me. Same for his new W that was the secretary and knew exactly what he was doing to Betty to get what she wanted. THAT was unconscionable, IMO.

 

I remember the first jury, before his friends in high places got to the second jury and others as implied in some tellings, basically wondering what took her so long in having some sort of retribution towards him. He left her HIGH and DRY.

 

Its one thing to leave the spouse for an upgrade but treat them fairly in the divorce settlement. Its quite another to leave the spouse penniless, friendless, and isolated like he did. I think that's the part of the story that you don't know that will likely make you change the thought that she somehow "deserved it", if I am understanding correctly that you are saying that.

[OWoman]

I think that's the part of the story that you don't know that will likely make you change the thought that she somehow "deserved it"' date=' if I am understanding correctly that you are saying that.[/quote']

 

I don't think she somehow "deserved it" - as I stated in my post, I know too little of HER particular story to make that call. My point was a more general one, that SOME women likely do, and that not every xW who gets dropped for an upgrade is automatically the victim of great cosmic injustice. In some cases, they DO deserve it. (Just as some xHs who get dumped for an upgrade deserve to be, too. And many BFs and GFs during dating. Else everyone would land up forever with the first person they ever held hands with... )

 

I'll google her and find out the scary rest of the story

[OWoman]

Right - I read up on her story - on Wikipedia and a couple of other places - and I have even LESS sympathy for her! Her H splits for his OW, and she goes psycho on them and the kids! Her kids, that she professed to love! He was right to get her locked in a rubber room, but they should have thrown away the key

 

Just because someone pissed on her chips doesn't give her the right to break the law (and the hearts and spirits of her kids) like she did. Little wonder they don't want to know her anymore.

 

I hope her parole gets blocked when it comes up next year, keeping her where she belongs.

 

Nasty piece of work.

[skylarblue]

OW do you truly FEAR a violent end, either her hurting herself, him and/or you? If you don't fear that, why not? What makes you feel untouchable?

 

Years ago I moved in with a MM whose W of about 14yrs had very recently and reluctantly moved out. She accused us before of having an A which we weren’t at the time. My moving in so shortly after she left confirmed to her that we had been, and she harassed us for a short time. In the very beginning, she would call screaming obscenities and threatening to “kill me” by “putting a gun to my head” and once after making threats she did come over and start banging violently on the door. At that moment, I admit I was fearful. I knew she took meds of some kind and I knew she was a b*tch. But then I started to get angry that I was letting someone (especially her) push me around and the next time she called I begged her to bring it on. We went back and forth for a little while.

I did think about the possibility of my MM hurting me once. We were parked in this off-limits, out-of-the-way, woodsy spot and I just thought what if my MM killed me out there. What if I told him I was pregnant and keeping it and he snapped? Would anyone find me? Would my family ever know what happened to me? I’m not fearful of something happening by him, me, or his W. Why? Because what are you going to do. If it happens it happens. But I admit it was a scary thought.

[jj33]

Do people worry about all the little things that could happen to them everyday? They could get electrocuted; they could get hit by a car, they could be in an accident... the list is endless.

 

So no I dont think most OW worry about ending up like someone in that movies. I know I certainly didnt.

 

In fact I think anyone who worries about that is either involved with a segment of the population I am thankful not to know, or or is bordering on paranoid. The probabilities are just too low - yes it happens but statistically its so unlikely that not worrying about it doesnt mean you feel you are "untouchable"

Edited January 14, 2010 by jj33

[Fallen Angel]

I would think, statistically (sp? okay, it is late and I am tired, be kind, and I can't spell when it is not late and I am not tired) that more men kill their wives to be with their OW, than angry wives kill their husband's OW.

 

I wonder where we could find out what the stats really are?

 

I think that not just this movie, but too many episodes of "Snapped" have made people think that the occurance of BW/OW violence is higher than it really is.

[jj33]

I agree Fallen - domestic violence is a huge problem and as NID says it accounts for a high percentage of crimes, but those crimes arent typically committed against the OW.

[NoIDidn't]

Domestic violence in the case of affairs, is usually between the partners in the married couple.

 

I don't have any stats on this, but I would think that a BW is highly likely to consider self-harm before attacking the OW in most cases. The betrayal sometimes is just unbearable for some.

 

Of course, there have been several cases of OW violence against the MM or the BW as well. In my neck of the woods, there was a "former" OW trying to kill the W of her "former" MM since he wouldn't leave after a d-day. It was shocking locally because everyone involved was well-liked and well-known for charitable works. You know, the whole assumption that people doing charity work are the *best* among us.

 

I agree with jj33 that its really not something one should spend a lot of time worrying about. If it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, be glad that it didn't.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I think its really crazy if you look into it. It seems like The BH kills the OM more than the BW kills the OW in most cases.. The other side...the cheating husband kills his BW to be with the mistress more than the other way around...soooo what is the common denominator?!?! Men are more aggressive when it comes to this sorta thing..

[OWoman]

I think its really crazy if you look into it. It seems like The BH kills the OM more than the BW kills the OW in most cases.. The other side...the cheating husband kills his BW to be with the mistress more than the other way around...soooo what is the common denominator?!?! Men are more aggressive when it comes to this sorta thing..

 

I had a thread on here a while back - can't find it now, so it may have fallen victim to that crash that wiped some stuff out - which found quite the opposite.

 

I did a survey of love-triangle killings for a period of time, and by far the greatest number of "passion killings" were OWs killing the BWs of their MMs. The OWs in most of those cases were significantly younger (sometimes mere teenagers) than the MMs (mostly middle aged, as were their BWs) and were often from more disadvantaged backgrounds (less educated, poorer, sometimes learning disabled, etc) than the M couple. In all cases, the OW believed the MM truly wanted to be with her, had tried to leave the M to be with her but had been prevented by the BW pulling some or other stunt. They all believed that they were liberating the MM from his hellish M.

 

Of course, the evidence in the trials painted a rather different picture - of the M, of the MM's intentions, of the BW. Pretty heartbreaking reading, much of it.