Wicker_Parked Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Just wondering those of you who have done no contact and those of you who have done Limited contact, what would you suggest due to your experience if you have even experimented on the idea of doing both? I have tried limited contact over 6 months we have broken up, tried no contact on 2 occasions for at least a length of 29days and 16 days. Personally limited contact worked for a while as i felt good at times getting bread-crumbs and feeling like we might get back together but i think in the long run in seem to have an adverse affect in keeping the breakup going longer than it should. No contact seemed to hurt because sometimes i found myself just thinking about the Ex being happy and having a great time without you or the thought of your Ex being with someone else just hurts. So Low contact or No contact? Have you ever tried both on the same person from a dumpees perspective? what was the outcome, what felt better? Edited January 11, 2010 by Wicker_Parked
HLP234 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If you are on a break or something trying LC is alright..although with my ex, and she was the one who wanted the break, thought I didn't want anything to do with her anymore..always accused me of not wanted to talk to her. When I would talk to her, she would not seem interested or the same as we talked when we were together, she would say I'm acting different..but I was giving her the space she wanted. Its confusing, but NC is used when you break up for good. Its to help you heal. I too am weary about both, because you never know what the other person is thinking.
thepulse27 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm in the middle of this now. its been 1 month and 2 days, and while this surprises me to say, im delighted to say that the last 2 days have been good. Im in limited contact with the ex, to begin with I was a mess and did most of the things you shouldnt do, but i think that was part of grieving, and i wouldnt have been able to handle NC - having her vanish from my life completely would have killed me. I think I could handle it now, but i will be in contact with her a little longer. But this is because I want answers. There are still reasons she hasnt told me for why she ended it so suddenly. And I want to understand it completely before I put it behind me and try and move on with my life. After that I'll stop, if she talks to me I'll answer, and I'll be nice, but I wont contact her. I think NC would definately be the quickest way to get someone off your mind and out of your life, but I dont think that makes it the best. If you have questions that you need answered, or if your mind cant deal with the thought of a life without them yet, then some contact can be ok. Its tough tho, when you do have contact, not to show them how broken you are and how pathetic this is making you. I was pretty bad at this at first, but thats over now. Overall I think cutting contact with someone that broke your heart, and still messes you up inside is fine, but to blank it out and pretend they dont exist is unhealthy. I think facing the pain is the long way, but its also the best.
LovelyDaze Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Just wondering those of you who have done no contact and those of you who have done Limited contact, what would you suggest due to your experience if you have even experimented on the idea of doing both? I have tried limited contact over 6 months we have broken up, tried no contact on 2 occasions for at least a length of 29days and 16 days. Personally limited contact worked for a while as i felt good at times getting bread-crumbs and feeling like we might get back together but i think in the long run in seem to have an adverse affect in keeping the breakup going longer than it should. No contact seemed to hurt because sometimes i found myself just thinking about the Ex being happy and having a great time without you or the thought of your Ex being with someone else just hurts. So Low contact or No contact? Have you ever tried both on the same person from a dumpees perspective? what was the outcome, what felt better? NONE. Breadcrumbs are demeaning and self-defeating. My ex kept throwing them at me like I was a pigeon in Central Park. To continue to accept minimal contact with someone who doesn't really want to be with you only makes it a day shorter for you to find the person who WANTS to be there entirely. If you are trying to work things out, you shouldn't be doing low contact, it should be high contact with discussion, dates, working things out, fixing what was broke as much as possible. To me, low contact just means you are playing footsie and not going anywhere like a gerbil in a cage. I am all for working things out if there is a chance to correct the problems that broke the relationship into pieces in the first place. But, if all you are getting is vague dialogue and empty promises...then you both are just wasting each other's time.
HLP234 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I agree with LovelyDaze..on that matter that if you want to work things out, you should be spending as much time with each other and talk everything out. There is no way you can find out if someone is right for you by taking a break from them or finding out if you are meant for each other if one person wants time to themselves. That is just not logical at all. I wish I knew that before, it seemed like common sense but people can be deceitful sometimes. For me its either work things out or try to get the other person to talk to you about things, or go NC completely so you can heal.
thepulse27 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 sometimes its not about working things out so you can get back together. you cant force someone to want you again. sometimes its about working things out for yourself so you can stop wondering, and start again. 1
paleblue Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 low contact just prolongs the agony. and your mind feeds off it -waiting for the next time you speak to your ex - and you can never move on. ya, nc hurts, and it will for awhile, but at least you know where things are and then you can just move on with yourself.
skydiveaddict Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 low contact just prolongs the agony. and your mind feeds off it -waiting for the next time you speak to your ex - and you can never move on. ya, nc hurts, and it will for awhile, but at least you know where things are and then you can just move on with yourself. I agree completly NC hurts like hell, but it's the fastest way to heal
HLP234 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 NC may make you feel like you are doing or have done something wrong, but if you know you didn't do anything wrong in the relationship, for example they left you..then there is nothing you can do. It will hurt but it only hurts more if you are expecting them to come right back to you and have everything the way it was. It will never be like it was before, if they hurt you, you will always be weary of them and what will happen. Most of all, you get back with them and then go back into compassionate mode and get blinded by everything else that is going on..which just completely gives them power to take advantage of things. That's not a way to heal or deal with what happened in the past. Ignoring may be rude, but I can assure you that if they left you and didn't even bother to say anything like its over, that is more rude and ignorant than anything.
Author Wicker_Parked Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 (edited) sometimes i will think 'ok im going to ignore my Ex, but what if they are doing the same thing to me?' I suppose in some cases this is what happens and that your Ex and you are just trying to do the right thing in healing a doing no contact awell. Its funny when my Ex would call me about 1 month into no contact, the exact day or even the night before i would come to the point of calling her, or even sending an email but i held off. Should you pick up and talk to them, in some cases yes but only when you have passed having feeling for them. The bad side is it can take months to get to this stage i feel. Me and my Ex tried to be friends but i think that we cant until we are new people and don't have feeling for each other, it just always seems to end up in disappointment as we are chasing the feeling we got when we first were together and forcing ourselves to forget about the bad feeling of the breakup. I got all my answers i wanted but forgiving and forgetting is easier said than done. . I think I could handle it now, but i will be in contact with her a little longer. But this is because I want answers. There are still reasons she hasnt told me for why she ended it so suddenly. Me and my ex ended so suddenly, and what i imagined was the cause of the breakup was so far from the truth, i spent 6 months trying to find out, and after reading something from Lovelydaze http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216927/ i can honestly say that i am starting to figure out who my Ex was, take her off that pedestal and say to myself that she was like having junk food in my life, really bad for me. If i stayed in limited contact after i found out all my answers and which i did to an extend then i would not have been able to work this out. Edited January 12, 2010 by Wicker_Parked
EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 My bf and I have been broken up for a month and a week or so. I think limited contact and no contact are both hard. Limited contact is good because you can still have contact with that person and no grieve as hard. You feel like you can still have some kind of contact with that person But limited contact can be bad because you know that you are no longer their first option, and you have to hear about it. You have to hear about them going out on dates, communicating with other girls etc etc. NC is good, because you can grieve and not constantly get hurt by that person On the other hand NC hurts, and it hurts like hell.. I myself is going through a break up and each day I cry. I've enjoyed this past month of limited contact but I wish I would have left it alone, and not contacted him because it hurts more. Just knowing that I can be with him, and whenever I thought every little thing was a sign to get back together I latched on to it, only to find out that that it wasn't a sign of us getting back together.
HLP234 Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 NC always hurts for the ones at least that got left. Doesn't mean the other person doesn't hurt, but if that was their choice, they will not hurt as much. In a way I prefer no contact if things are going bad because you can't force anyone to do anything..if they loose interest in you, its they who have to gain the same feelings for you as they once had. I've been going no contact for about a month now almost and its very rough..depressed everyday because I know she is with someone else and she is not thinking anything of it. But in all, you make yourself a better person and you learn from it I suppose.
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