Why are most women...

[Fallen Angel]

But this is what OW in many cases do. They hand over the power of their lives to the MM as they sit and wait and wait and wait for him to leave his wife. And as we see here, many don't leave. And the OW waits and waits and then expects the W to kick him out or divorce him after a D Day -- and the OW sits and waits and waits and say the MM 'needs time' to make a decision.

 

I agree with you GEL in that I don't want to hand over my choice of my life to anyone, as much as possible.

 

I want to control my destiny. I want to steer my life. I don't want to wait for someone else to make a decision in order for me to move forward with my life.

 

So many talk about why the wife doesn't leave after DDay ~ but why doesn't the OW leave before Dday or even AFTER Dday when the man has chosen to "work on his marriage" or throw the OW under the bus or whatever.

 

I just want to make sure there isn't a double standard in the trashing of a wife who chooses to stay with the WS; but an OW is told to 'hang in there' .

 

The W at least has a history with the MM ~ possibly children. They more likely than not share a past, a home, family (extended family), pets, belongings, etc. More likely than not, the OW doesn't share those things with him. But again, the W is criticized for not leaving, but the OW doesn't leave either.

 

BACK to the original question.... I don't even remember what this thread was started about

 

I will reply to this part, if I may, but I can only speak to why I stayed (I can't speak for anyone else)... I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I want him. I stayed because he didn't 'throw me under the bus'. I stayed because he didn't chose to stay in his marriage to 'work on his marriage' but because he doesn't want to walk out on his child and his obligations. He didn't choose her over me, he chose to keep his family intact, and stay with me. He never once cut me off, in fact he was very worried about my well being during that time. He didn't offer me up on a silver platter to his wife, he protected me. He spent a lot of time comforting me, and telling me that no matter what happened, he couldn't see his life without me in it as his love. *not lover, love* (I took this to mean that even if she demanded he never speak to me again, that he would not bow to her wishes in regards to that) He asked me not to give up on him. And back around we go to the main reason I stayed... which is the first, and perhaps the only one that really mattered, because I love him.

[NoIDidn't]

I will reply to this part, if I may, but I can only speak to why I stayed (I can't speak for anyone else)... I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I want him. I stayed because he didn't 'throw me under the bus'. I stayed because he didn't chose to stay in his marriage to 'work on his marriage' but because he doesn't want to walk out on his child and his obligations. He didn't choose her over me, he chose to keep his family intact, and stay with me. He never once cut me off, in fact he was very worried about my well being during that time. He didn't offer me up on a silver platter to his wife, he protected me. He spent a lot of time comforting me, and telling me that no matter what happened, he couldn't see his life without me in it as his love. *not lover, love* (I took this to mean that even if she demanded he never speak to me again, that he would not bow to her wishes in regards to that) He asked me not to give up on him. And back around we go to the main reason I stayed... which is the first, and perhaps the only one that really mattered, because I love him.

 

Among the material and extended reasons for staying, is love for a W too.

 

I really have to wonder what he told his W since you defend him so valliantly. She is still there with him and doesn't seem to be leaving either. One really has to wonder what he is saying to her for her not to have walked considering he paints her as someone that wouldn't piss on his leg if he was on fire.

[moaningmyrtle]

I will reply to this part, if I may, but I can only speak to why I stayed (I can't speak for anyone else)... I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I want him. I stayed because he didn't 'throw me under the bus'. I stayed because he didn't chose to stay in his marriage to 'work on his marriage' but because he doesn't want to walk out on his child and his obligations. He didn't choose her over me, he chose to keep his family intact, and stay with me. He never once cut me off, in fact he was very worried about my well being during that time. He didn't offer me up on a silver platter to his wife, he protected me. He spent a lot of time comforting me, and telling me that no matter what happened, he couldn't see his life without me in it as his love. *not lover, love* (I took this to mean that even if she demanded he never speak to me again, that he would not bow to her wishes in regards to that) He asked me not to give up on him. And back around we go to the main reason I stayed... which is the first, and perhaps the only one that really mattered, because I love him.

 

After the d-day when he promised her it was all over with you.... don't you ever wonder what he told her in order to stay with her and what he may still be telling her?

[Fallen Angel]

Among the material and extended reasons for staying, is love for a W too.

 

I really have to wonder what he told his W since you defend him so valliantly. She is still there with him and doesn't seem to be leaving either. One really has to wonder what he is saying to her for her not to have walked considering he paints her as someone that wouldn't piss on his leg if he was on fire.

 

He told her that he would end the affair with me.

 

I don't mean to convey that she wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire. It just seems to me by what I hear (obviously I don't hear her side of things, but I am friends with some of his friends who do have contact with her, and who have seen interaction between them, so he is not my only source of information on this) that they have lived apart for so long.. he living his life, she living hers, often on opposite sides of the world for months/years at a time, that they just do not really interact much at all.

 

I did question his truthfulness about the 'distance' in his marriage, the 'disconnect' if you will, so I spoke with his best friend's wife. She has no reason to lie to me, and she and I share a bond beyond just the fact that I am her husband's best friend's OW, in that she too was an OW (now married to her fMM.)

 

She told me that she has never seen a 'loving' gesture between them. That whenever they have been to his home to visit, that he spends time with them in his 'man-room' and she is sitting in the kitchen not interacting with them at all. She told me that when they (My MM and W) did speak to each other in passing, that it was one or two words at best. That he seems uncomfortable, and unlike himself, as the rest of us know him, when she is around. She said that it seems cold and distant to her, that she was actually uncomfortable when she was in their home because of the obvious tension between My MM and his W.

 

After the d-day when he promised her it was all over with you.... don't you ever wonder what he told her in order to stay with her and what he may still be telling her?

 

He told her he would end it with me. He admitted that to me freely. As to what he is still telling her, I do not know. Nor do I really wish to know. I would assume though that he isn't really telling her anything specifically, since she has quit asking about the affair/me, he doesn't really have a reason to bring it up.

[NoIDidn't]

Well, I imagine I'd be cold and distant in a marriage to a man that I know to be cheating on me, and likely repeatedly.

 

I get the feeling from what you post about him that he has done this time and time again. And that she is just there physically.

 

What a sad way for both of them to live. Him, because I am sure that if he put into her the energy and time he puts into you he'd have the marriage that he wants. Her, because she seems robbed of her vitality by a man that just doesn't respect her or their shared family/history.

 

To each their own.

 

I'm sure you will learn/get what you need from this experience whether he leaves one day or not.

 

((((FA))))

[pureinheart]

So then the 10 commandments about coveting and the Letters that Paul wrote to the Corinthians (I Corn. Chapters 5-7) isn't really what God had in mind. Interesting. :confused:According to the covenant that you speak of, it was between husband, wife and God, right. So how does and AP enter into it to be place in any position within that covenant? You are speaking of higher and lower positions, but my understanding that the covenant for the marriage didn't include an 4th party. Certainly not in the command to not covet another's wife(husband) and the committing of adultery was pretty clear....It said Don't. Very respectfully...I never stated that adultry,fornication is/was ok with God, infact 1Cor chapters 5-7 speaks of many issues. My communication is that I hear a "tone" that is arrogant, seeing oneself without sin, better than. What did Jesus tell the people when they were about to stone the lady, that he without sin cast the first stone. The OW is not a lower class of person.

 

I am just trying to understand the exceptions you see to these and where can I find them to research them for myself. Because by my reading Chapter 6 v. 12-18 and Chapter 7 are pretty clear. I mean it is spoken about in several books. Leviticus, Hebrews, Jeremiah, James, Matthew, Luke, John and Revelation, yet I don't recall where it talks about the 3rd party in a marriage being held in high regard by God at all. God doesnot hold the the party at low regard either, and I have to ask if the M was of God in the first place. I don't believe the way the majority of the Church believes...For what God joins together, let no man put assunder. I believe this to be literal interpretation...what God joins together...if God did not put it together, it is not of Him. Now this sis this only "my" interpretation, I mean no disrespect to you, nor do I mean to cause any decentions with you at all.

 

No cheating isn't the only thing that God dislikes, but since is a forum about APs(even if it were posted in infidelity or marriage) this would be the focused act that isn't acceptable to him.

 

Yes, hear you loud and clear, this forum is to work out these particular issues....well it is actually discussion for those who find themselves with M people, although I think it is great that we all can talk a bit further on the matter as many are being healed daily by this forum, it is a blessing bigtime.

 

My main deal was the tone of many who have come through here in the past, and I had started to hear that tone again, that because they are the W they are better and without sin, never making a mistake, everything on WS and OW....and I did the same thing with MM because of my anger.

[pureinheart]

I will reply to this part, if I may, but I can only speak to why I stayed (I can't speak for anyone else)... I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I want him. I stayed because he didn't 'throw me under the bus'. I stayed because he didn't chose to stay in his marriage to 'work on his marriage' but because he doesn't want to walk out on his child and his obligations. He didn't choose her over me, he chose to keep his family intact, and stay with me. He never once cut me off, in fact he was very worried about my well being during that time. He didn't offer me up on a silver platter to his wife, he protected me. He spent a lot of time comforting me, and telling me that no matter what happened, he couldn't see his life without me in it as his love. *not lover, love* (I took this to mean that even if she demanded he never speak to me again, that he would not bow to her wishes in regards to that) He asked me not to give up on him. And back around we go to the main reason I stayed... which is the first, and perhaps the only one that really mattered, because I love him.

 

That is quite rare, I can see why you are loyal to him. I remember telling exMM/cheapskate..lol...that if he EVER denied me, I would never speak to him again....it's kinda like, you own up buddy!

[pureinheart]

Oh FA to the last quote, exMM/? told me the same thing too, that he would not quit talking to me either...and I knew he meant it.

[pureinheart]

Wow , I get this very strong feeling that alot of betrayed married wives here are like a strong brick wall but for the wrong reasons.

 

A solid wall should be built to keep the cheating husband OUT of your life. Not to build a strong foundation on his cheating .

 

You don't own him. ( don't throw rocks ) The way it seems to be presented is " MY husband. Likes its P.E .time and you are picking teams. Why would you want to OWN him or what he did ?

 

Its like this : Wife + Cheating Husband and then / Cheating Husband + Unfortunate Other Women. ( Perhaps you use a different name for her )

 

First some of you want to feel anger about her existance. But she does INDEED exist unless you have found a way or a threat to get her out of your life.

 

Raise your hand ladies if your husband came home a few weeks into the affair and admits he is a low life s*** ?

 

How many of you had to FIND something , like evidence and had to PRESENT it to him , only for him to beg you for forgiveness. How many weeks and MONTHS did it go on ? Lets wake up here okay ?

 

For those of you staunchly defending your husbands the odds of him doing it again are HIGH !

 

For those of you who told him to hit the front door , what are the odds he will cheat again sleeping on his friends couch tonite ? Maybe not as high because he knows cheating gets him out the door.

 

She ( the OW ) DID and Does have a R with your H. ALthough most of it is built on lies , nevertheless , she has been fed crock feed for weeks and months. So when you say she has no business in our marraige or our life your H MADE alot of things her business when he promised her the moon and whatever else he promised...

 

It really scares me the amount of ( some ) women here who defend the H...Very scarey..

 

The MOST important question : How many wives here have EVER been cheating on prior to finding out about THIS other woman ( OW )

 

Have you ever had ANYONE cheat on your before ? Any past bf .,....OR have you caught your H more than one time ? ( Remember you can only answer from what you know )

 

If you can't correlate or verify , How many of you suspected that this H or a prior bf/ H cheated on you in your lifetime ?

 

Please give your best honest answer....

 

I have been sensing the same thing and want to add....how many red flags went up that you chose not to see before getting M.

 

I look back and see many, yet still M them....in fact , because I keep a journal, got to read word for word that I completely understood who this man was before I almost M him....totally freaked me out that I chose to ignore it and went out with him anyway.

[pureinheart]

Please teach me how to communicate Mary3, this is what I was trying to say ...

[pureinheart]

How many of you had to FIND something , like evidence and had to PRESENT it to him , only for him to beg you for forgiveness. How many weeks and MONTHS did it go on ? Lets wake up here okay ?

 

....

 

This one in some cases is used to control them, to hold something over on them, in fact this is the "dance" that exMM/? and his W used.

 

Some of the advice given to the new D-Day BS's would be the measures of control to put on the WS, what they could and could not do after being found out, the ground rules...I see this as control...it does not usually work.

 

With working with a majority of guys and hearing them talk..."until the dust settles", and they would be back out there, some I am sure would be a bit more careful, as now they know what areas in which they got caught and exactly how they need to be careful.

[Fallen Angel]

Well, I imagine I'd be cold and distant in a marriage to a man that I know to be cheating on me, and likely repeatedly.

 

Or perhaps, it is like I have been told (again by outside sources) that they were like that with each other before I came on the scene, long before our romance.

I get the feeling from what you post about him that he has done this time and time again. And that she is just there physically.

 

What a sad way for both of them to live. Him, because I am sure that if he put into her the energy and time he puts into you he'd have the marriage that he wants.

 

Perhaps, but for that statement to be true, one would have to assume that he really wants his marriage with her. I see it differently, because I truely believe that his reason for staying has little to do with her, and has much to do with his child.

 

Her, because she seems robbed of her vitality by a man that just doesn't respect her or their shared family/history.

 

Or maybe her lack of vitality in the marriage is the reason that he is no longer (or never was) emotionally invested in the marriage, in the way that he is emotionally invested in me.

 

To each their own.

 

I'm sure you will learn/get what you need from this experience whether he leaves one day or not.

 

((((FA))))

 

That, my friend, is part of why so many of us will never understand each other's points of view. Because we all make assumptions about what is happening in a given situation based upon our own life histories, experiences, and desires.

 

You see her lack of interest in her marriage as a result of him 'sapping her of her vitality'. I see her sapped vitality as a reason for his disinterest in the marriage.

 

He is a very warm, loving, expressive, fun, energetic, outgoing person. When I found out that she was 'uncommunicative and uninvolved' with his friends, I was shocked. His friends are important to him, and he chose to share me with them, and them with me shortly after our friendship blossomed into a love affair. He enjoys the interaction between his friends and I, and adores the fact that his friend's wife and I get along so well. I couldn't imagine being with him, and not being involved in his friendships as well... and I find it odd, knowing his personality that he is married to someone who is not as outgoing as he is.

 

But, I have insight into his character that you are not privy to.

 

I can see where you are coming from, but I just don't agree with your spin on this one.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, hear you loud and clear, this forum is to work out these particular issues....well it is actually discussion for those who find themselves with M people, although I think it is great that we all can talk a bit further on the matter as many are being healed daily by this forum, it is a blessing bigtime.

 

My main deal was the tone of many who have come through here in the past, and I had started to hear that tone again, that because they are the W they are better and without sin, never making a mistake, everything on WS and OW....and I did the same thing with MM because of my anger.

I don't believe the way the majority of the church believes either, this is a literal interpretataion

 

This quote explains your basis. Thank you.

[RedDevil66]

Red Devil? you are a perfect example of that about which you speak.

 

could be, since I do state my true feelings about liar and cheaters who have NO morals, but what I was refering to are the attacks cheaters have on others to defend their bad behavior.

[greengoddess]

That, my friend, is part of why so many of us will never understand each other's points of view. Because we all make assumptions about what is happening in a given situation based upon our own life histories, experiences, and desires.

 

You see her lack of interest in her marriage as a result of him 'sapping her of her vitality'. I see her sapped vitality as a reason for his disinterest in the marriage.

 

He is a very warm, loving, expressive, fun, energetic, outgoing person. When I found out that she was 'uncommunicative and uninvolved' with his friends, I was shocked. His friends are important to him, and he chose to share me with them, and them with me shortly after our friendship blossomed into a love affair. He enjoys the interaction between his friends and I, and adores the fact that his friend's wife and I get along so well. I couldn't imagine being with him, and not being involved in his friendships as well... and I find it odd, knowing his personality that he is married to someone who is not as outgoing as he is.

 

But, I have insight into his character that you are not privy to.

 

I can see where you are coming from, but I just don't agree with your spin on this one.

 

Hmmm well would you be friendly with friends who happily invite the ow and her husband into their home? Why should she be friendly when this bestfriend and ow/now wife are in her home. She probably doesn't accept the new wife/ow especially if they were couple friends before the new wife former ow came into the picture. She probably hates this couple and rightfully so since they aid him in his affair. I would not give this woman much credence on her knowledge of their relationship. She probably acts very differently around these two and who can blame her. I'd be damn pissed at my husband if he had his bestfriend and his new wife/ow over especially if I knew they helped with his affair.

[OWoman]

The W at least has a history with the MM ~ possibly children. They more likely than not share a past, a home, family (extended family), pets, belongings, etc. More likely than not, the OW doesn't share those things with him. But again, the W is criticized for not leaving, but the OW doesn't leave either.

 

So the W "has a past" with the MM and so she stays. A past is not a future, or necessarily even a present - I'm quite happy to leave my past in the past, and enjoy my present in positive anticipation of my future.

 

Perhaps if people were not so stuck in the past, moving on to better things would be easier.

[OWoman]

She probably doesn't accept the new wife/ow especially if they were couple friends before the new wife former ow came into the picture.

 

 

Gosh, what a bizarre attitude! Fortunately all of our friends are far more progressive than that! They care for my H and want him to be happy - and if I'm part of him being happy, they welcome me too.

 

Only bitter, threatened, fearful "friends" would want to see someone stuck in misery rather than happy and reaching their potential.

[greengoddess]

Gosh, what a bizarre attitude! Fortunately all of our friends are far more progressive than that! They care for my H and want him to be happy - and if I'm part of him being happy, they welcome me too.

 

Only bitter, threatened, fearful "friends" would want to see someone stuck in misery rather than happy and reaching their potential.

 

If she was good friends with his wife then their is nothing bitter about it. Good friends do not choose to socialize with a person who snuck around in secret with their friends husband. Good friends don't accept a woman who deceived their friend and helped their friends husband lie daily. Good friends stick by their friends and do not have to accept a person who began a relationship with lies. If friends of mine divorced I would happily accept anyone they chose into their lives but if the divorce was over an affair I will not happily accept the affair partner. I would have zero respect for the affair partner, the person who chose to sneak around behind my friends back doing her husband. Bitter no not at all. I just would never embrace someone who helped harm my friend. Cheating is not how you move on.

[OWoman]

If she was good friends with his wife then their is nothing bitter about it. Good friends do not choose to socialize with a person who snuck around in secret with their friends husband. Good friends don't accept a woman who deceived their friend and helped their friends husband lie daily. Good friends stick by their friends and do not have to accept a person who began a relationship with lies. If friends of mine divorced I would happily accept anyone they chose into their lives but if the divorce was over an affair I will not happily accept the affair partner. I would have zero respect for the affair partner, the person who chose to sneak around behind my friends back doing her husband. Bitter no not at all. I just would never embrace someone who helped harm my friend. Cheating is not how you move on.

 

I guess it depends on the circumstances.

 

If I was friends with one partner, but not with their spouse, I'd understand your reasoning (assuming I was friends with the BS and not the WS. Were I friends with the WS, as it seems the couple who assisted in the A must have been, clearly things would be different).

 

If I was friends of both partners, I would continue to be friends with both of then (separately) subsequently, and - if the new partner made my friend happy, I'd welcome them. I don't see that as a conflict. It's not like high school where you have to choose sides. Adult life does allow for nuances and subtleties.

[NoIDidn't]

I guess it depends on the circumstances.

 

If I was friends with one partner, but not with their spouse, I'd understand your reasoning (assuming I was friends with the BS and not the WS. Were I friends with the WS, as it seems the couple who assisted in the A must have been, clearly things would be different).

 

If I was friends of both partners, I would continue to be friends with both of then (separately) subsequently, and - if the new partner made my friend happy, I'd welcome them. I don't see that as a conflict. It's not like high school where you have to choose sides. Adult life does allow for nuances and subtleties.

 

I am not sure of what angle you are taking with this. If you are speaking from the position of the friend that was sleeping with the other friend's spouse, your take sounds delusional, IMO. I think it is quite normal for people to close ranks around, and in support of, the BS betrayed by a supposed friend that was in their midst. Its not about fear, its about the betrayal, the lying, the duplicity. No one ever wants a friend like that. And while that "friend" may want to continue those relationships, no one really wants to be around her anymore. This outcome is not beneath adults. IMPO.

 

If you are speaking from the position as a friend to the couple, and not as the OW that pretended to be the woman's friend (often listening to complaints about her H and using them against her - a BIG no, no IMO), then yeah, I can see staying with both, but not without challenges.

 

I can say from personal experience, that its tricky. A friend was left by her H, whom I met first, and he's dating another acquaintance since the divorce. I still speak with both, but I can't mention anything to her because she feels betrayed (she wasn't left for an OW, their was no OW) by me and the woman that's now dating her ex. I walk a tight rope with her and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I was recently told by the new GF that I make her uncomfortable because I am still friends with the ex. It seems like staying friends with both puts one into a minefield. Most adults can understand nuances and subtleties, but this is not a subtle situation in the least. At least not the way that I have experienced it.

[pureinheart]

Hmmm well would you be friendly with friends who happily invite the ow and her husband into their home? Why should she be friendly when this bestfriend and ow/now wife are in her home. She probably doesn't accept the new wife/ow especially if they were couple friends before the new wife former ow came into the picture. She probably hates this couple and rightfully so since they aid him in his affair. I would not give this woman much credence on her knowledge of their relationship. She probably acts very differently around these two and who can blame her. I'd be damn pissed at my husband if he had his bestfriend and his new wife/ow over especially if I knew they helped with his affair.

 

This has happened before, in fact many times with many people. I have never seen people act unbecoming, nor put out the "unwelcome" mat. It happened once or twice in previous situations.

 

In 9 out of 10 cases I would say the "whole" story is never told, no matter what the situation...being OM OW MM MW WS BS, whatever. There have been so many times that I find out later the "injured" party did much injuring to the other party, and the other party chose not to malign anyone.

 

For me, I had chosen a long time ago not to get into other peoples business and try not to take sides.

 

I have told friends at various times in various situations that I love them and may not agree with everything going on, although I do not know the entire story, only the parties involved do.

[pureinheart]

This quote explains your basis. Thank you.

 

Cool (for referrence sake the entire quote is #156). I don't get into legalism. Most don't like Joel Osteen because they say he is a "feel good" preacher...well I think people feel bad enough and have been beaten up enough that I am grateful that he is out there to shed a different light.

 

Jesus hung out with the sinners like me, the people who have it all together don't need Him. I don't have it all together and do need Him.

[Fallen Angel]

Hmmm well would you be friendly with friends who happily invite the ow and her husband into their home? Why should she be friendly when this bestfriend and ow/now wife are in her home. She probably doesn't accept the new wife/ow especially if they were couple friends before the new wife former ow came into the picture. She probably hates this couple and rightfully so since they aid him in his affair. I would not give this woman much credence on her knowledge of their relationship. She probably acts very differently around these two and who can blame her. I'd be damn pissed at my husband if he had his bestfriend and his new wife/ow over especially if I knew they helped with his affair.

 

BUZZ. ZAP. Sorry, nice try, but you did not win this round. You do not get to "make-up" scenerios for this, as I have all the facts, and the facts are thus...

 

She did NOT know the previous wife, she was only introduced to them AFTER they were the only two people in their relationship.

 

She does NOT know that MM/OW was the basis for the beginning of their relationship, she has no reason to suspect it, and no one has ever told her.

 

As to them 'helping' My MM in his affair with me, he needs no 'help'. Though the fact that they love MM and want nothing but his true happiness makes it a much more open and honest and true friendship for them. I would guess that if they had not welcomed me with open arms, their friendship with My MM would have become diminished rather than enhanced.

 

And the topper to it all is this.. THEY SAY SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE I WAS EVER IN THE PICTURE. THERE WAS NO 'AFFAIR' WITH ME FOR HER TO BE "DAMNED PISSED" ABOUT! Why is it so hard for you all to believe that perhaps people are sometimes just incompatible, and BOTH parties are unhappy in a marriage but BOTH parties stay for the "family"?

 

And I will give 'this woman' MUCH credence in her knowledge on their marriage as she and her husband have been very close friends with My MM for a long time.

[Fallen Angel]

I am not sure of what angle you are taking with this. If you are speaking from the position of the friend that was sleeping with the other friend's spouse, your take sounds delusional, IMO. I think it is quite normal for people to close ranks around, and in support of, the BS betrayed by a supposed friend that was in their midst. Its not about fear, its about the betrayal, the lying, the duplicity. No one ever wants a friend like that. And while that "friend" may want to continue those relationships, no one really wants to be around her anymore. This outcome is not beneath adults. IMPO.

 

If you are speaking from the position as a friend to the couple, and not as the OW that pretended to be the woman's friend (often listening to complaints about her H and using them against her - a BIG no, no IMO), then yeah, I can see staying with both, but not without challenges.

 

I can say from personal experience, that its tricky. A friend was left by her H, whom I met first, and he's dating another acquaintance since the divorce. I still speak with both, but I can't mention anything to her because she feels betrayed (she wasn't left for an OW, their was no OW) by me and the woman that's now dating her ex. I walk a tight rope with her and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I was recently told by the new GF that I make her uncomfortable because I am still friends with the ex. It seems like staying friends with both puts one into a minefield. Most adults can understand nuances and subtleties, but this is not a subtle situation in the least. At least not the way that I have experienced it.

 

They were not speaking of a scenario like the one you describe here.. in fact, GG took my factual events and twisted them into a scenario that is NOTHING at all like the actual events, so it is all moot anyway.. LMAO

[silktricks]

Why is it so hard for you all to believe that perhaps people are sometimes just incompatible, and BOTH parties are unhappy in a marriage but BOTH parties stay for the "family"?

It does happen, but in our western society, usually people want/need more personal fulfillment, so they make the leap and basically tell their family to take it or leave it.

 

I get it, though, that some people's method of dealing with the situation is to have a long term satisfying love affair with someone else.