Kizzyfur Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 quicker to forgive their spouse for cheating on them than the OW who was more than likely misled to begin with?
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 You know Kizzy, they will nail you for this one....saying the question was asked in a previous thread....lol.... It's easier, convinient to place blame on a third party, that way "life can go on" and the BS can have a place for the hurt and the anger to go to rather than the H. I would say from what I have read on the internet and personal experience, there is still much anger after the discovery of an A and there is a chance and the BS knows that chastisment of the H can only go so far, meaning it can only last so long before the H/W gets tired of no being forgiven, so this is a way for the BS to vent and the H/W feels they are in the clear and the "dust has settled" on their end. Sometimes the WH/W encourages the wrath of the BS to fall on the OW to get the heat off of them. I am really glad you asked this question......
delirious Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 That is easy, because I guess it would hurt less to hate her than him. And she loves him not the OW. Loving someone is forgiving someone for their mistakes isn't it?
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It isn't easier to forgive either in my opinion. It was a daily process.
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 That is easy, because I guess it would hurt less to hate her than him. And she loves him not the OW. Loving someone is forgiving someone for their mistakes isn't it? That is one major part of love....and actually forgiving saves ones own life. Unforgiveness kills (literally). Forgiveness is freedom....it says that I cannot control you, and I am not responsible for your actions....it's just so freeing....
harmfulsweetz Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Probably because it's easier to hate someone who you don't know so intimately. The BS may never fully understand or know the OW, and may only see the side of the H, so it's easier to forgive someone you know right? Because they can actually tell you in their words what happened, excuse their behaviour, whereas the OW doesn't get that stand. Often, it's not that the BS hates the OW, it's that what they feared has come true, and they are misplacing their anger, and directing it at perhaps the wrong person. However, I also think they should rightfully hate the OW especially if she knew he was otherwise taken, perhaps he holds the weight of responsibility, but what happened to lady solidarity? Surely another woman's goods are off limits?
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Pureinheart nailed it...this will get nasty and quick. But my OPINION is its easier to blame the "intruder" than the spouse. Its phase. Its part of the BS script. Step one, hate the OM/OW. I sure did. Then, in time, the BS begins to see a bit more clearly when the THEIR fog lifts. At that point, the OM/OW becomes less of an evil and more human. Equally true, the WS takes the hit. My .02 if its worth that much.
greengoddess Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 The BS has a long history with the h/w. They have years of a loving relationship knowing what a great person the husband or wife are. They know this cheating liar is not the person they married, the person they spent years having children with, building a family, a home, a lifetime of family memories. They know the real man/woman and they loved them. They don't know the liar that the ow/om has gotten to know. The ow/om is an intruder in the bs life. A person they did not even know about who inserted themselves into a marriage and a family where they did not belong. The mm/mw gets forgiven as they become that wonderful person they once were and the bs knew so well for so many years. The ow/om never showed the bs any good qualities any upstanding character. All the bs knows of them is that they were someone who was willing to knowingly involve themselves with a married person and their family.
Author Kizzyfur Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 I have been on both sides of the fence. At one time I was the OW. Recently I found out the man I'm with now had cheated on me a year ago last November. The way I see it, the spouse is the one holds the majority of the responsibility in these cases. Not to mention they're the one getting everything. When I was the OW, the MM I was seeing kept promising he'd get a divorce. He had even told me he'd filed but she wasn't signing the papers. I recently found out they are still married. When I found out my man cheated on me, I wasn't so upset with the OW as I was with him. And the ONLY reason I'm even considering trying to work things out with him is because when he did come home our relationship was even better than it had been before. That and it's his idea to get counseling if we're unable to get past it.
greengoddess Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It's the loving history with the mp that allows the forgiveness whereas there is no history with the ow/om. No reason for forgiveness. The cheating spouse gets plenty of anger and fallout from this. The ow/om just don't get to see it because they do not belong in the marriage.
crazycatlady Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 When I first found out....I was so hurt, it was a physical hurt as well as emotional. The betrayal on both sides killed me. And that was all I could think about for the first few days. Once I could think of anything but that horrible hurt, yes I was very angry at the OW. I was never angry at H because when it came to him all I could think about was how much I hurt. And that I loved him so much. I was talking about it to another friend who recently went through this with his STBXW and he pointed out that I couldn't be angry with one and not the other - advice his dad gave him. And I sat and thought about it for a moment. So I stopped being angry with either. I figured they were also hurting, maybe not as much as me, but a lot. For a variety of reasons, like not being able to openly be together, even if he left me they would find it uncomfortable to be openly together, he loves us both, she also loves me. Pain was there all around. Anger and hate and bitterness solve nothing. So I let it all go. I can't say it doesn't cross my mind sometimes, but it doesn't stay. The hurt was harder to handle. But I've managed. My friends do think I'm a bit weird because all of them would have held on to the anger, resentment, hate for both parties, with the other person being the main target for reasons everyone else has mentioned. Life is too short to be angry and bitter. And its not worth it. I knew it wasn't enough to make me leave. He wasn't hitting me, and he still loved me. Being angry like that eats your soul. CCL
reboot Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm not sure where you get this idea in the first place. I think most people in such a situation would agree, if you're trying to rebuild a marriage, spending time blaming the OP is nothing but wasted time and energy. They should no longer even be part of the equation.
silktricks Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 quicker to forgive their spouse for cheating on them than the OW who was more than likely misled to begin with? 1. You have history with your spouse, so good memories can help 2. The spouse actively is seeking your forgiveness 3. If you choose to rebuild the marriage, forgiveness is part of rebuilding. 4. Odds are the OW has no repentance about what happened and is not interested in being forgiven. 5. If you choose not be rebuild the marriage and divorce, you may still choose to forgive your WS for the good of the rest of the family. but mostly I would think the reasons are probably #2 and #4. You can't forgive someone who doesn't feel they've done anything wrong.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) quicker to forgive their spouse for cheating on them than the OW who was more than likely misled to begin with? I'm sure there are some BW who choose to take their anger out on the OW, but for the most part, BWs place blame where it is due, on their H's. In my case, I blame my H 100% and he takes 100% of the blame for his actions. He has never blamed me or the OW. I don't know the OW, never met her. She has no part in my life so how would it be possible for me to blame her for my H's choices? She is not responsible for the pain I felt when my H betrayed me, as I am not responsible for the pain she felt when the affair ended. The difference is that she had a choice to become involved in the affair and i didn't. What you see on this site as far as BW verses OW is not what is going on at home between the BW and her H. I have made many friends on LS who see this the same way I do. There may be anger towards the OW in the beginning, but when the BW and her H make the choice to work on their marriage, the OW quickly becomes irrelevant. Many BW come here to try and understand the OW for their own curiosity. That doesn't mean their focus is on the OW at home where the BW more than likely is dealing head on with her H and the problems in their marriage. The OW has no part of that or the process of forgiveness. In reality, the BW has no reason or need to forgive the OW. The BW owes the OW as much as the OW owes the BW, nothing. I can see how you would think that BW blame the OW based on what you read on this site. Believe me, if the H's were posting here, you would see the reality that the blame is where it belongs. As far as the BW forgiving the OW, there is no need if the OW isn't part of the BW's life. Edited January 11, 2010 by herenow
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I didn't hate her at all. I just assumed she was some lonely, vulnerable woman who also was victimized by my WS's mid-life breakdown. I did wonder about her motivations, however. She had been acrimoniously divorced by a man who married his LAST AP, so it was hard to wrap my head around how she gave herself permission to do to me what had been done to her. I mean, she better than anyone knew my pain. But then again, he lied to her using the usual script; "My wife doesn't love me, we never connect, staying for the kids," blah, blah, blah. I just wondered why the lightbulb did not go off in her head, that "jeez, these must be the same lines my xH used to enter his affairs." But it didn't. I have forgiven them both. Had to to heal from all of this. He thanks GOD everyday to have this opportunity to reconcile with me. Not sure she cares, or even should care, of my forgiveness of her, but that's okay, too. Forgiveness is for me, and me alone.
OWoman Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 what happened to lady solidarity? Surely another woman's goods are off limits? Lady solidarity?? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: I'd sooner believe in father christmas, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy! Have you ever seen how mean and bitchy girls are to each other in primary school playgrounds? That's just the start of it! And why should "another woman's goods" be anymore off limits than another man's? That's like saying white people should stick together against black people, or people who speak English should stick together against people who speak Spanish. Jingoism, racism, sexism, IMO.
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Also, a MM begging to reconcile his marriage usually does not tell the OW the extent of the hell he is facing on a daily basis at home. Why would he? It would hurt her to know his begging and crying for forgiveness from his wife. It would negate the entire affair and affair feelings. Better, no, make that EASIER for the WS to allow the AP to assume the BS has forgiven him and wants to repair the marriage. How noble he is, for the sake of his kids, etc. The OW/OM will leave him alone at this point. I think that is truly what he wants. I think he allows the AP to ASSUME all is well, and his wife has forgiven him quickly, and they are re-committing to the marriage. A lot of bunk being spun there, IMHO:bunny::bunny:.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Lady solidarity?? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: I'd sooner believe in father christmas, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy! Have you ever seen how mean and bitchy girls are to each other in primary school playgrounds? That's just the start of it! And why should "another woman's goods" be anymore off limits than another man's? That's like saying white people should stick together against black people, or people who speak English should stick together against people who speak Spanish. Jingoism, racism, sexism, IMO. I agree. But, keeping on the topic of this thread, there is no reason for the BW to forgive the OW at all unless she (the BW) feels the need for her own sake. Why should the BW owe any kind of forgiveness to the OW in the first place? Isn't the marriage between the husband and wife? And, why does the OW even care if the BW forgives her? You are right, in this case, there is no solidarity and no reason for the BW to care about the OW. IMO, you need to care about someone to be able to, or want to, forgive them.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Also, a MM begging to reconcile his marriage usually does not tell the OW the extent of the hell he is facing on a daily basis at home. Why would he? It would hurt her to know his begging and crying for forgiveness from his wife. It would negate the entire affair and affair feelings. Better, no, make that EASIER for the WS to allow the AP to assume the BS has forgiven him and wants to repair the marriage. How noble he is, for the sake of his kids, etc. The OW/OM will leave him alone at this point. I think that is truly what he wants. I think he allows the AP to ASSUME all is well, and his wife has forgiven him quickly, and they are re-committing to the marriage. A lot of bunk being spun there, IMHO:bunny::bunny:. So so true. Especially if the MM is a conflict avoider.
OWoman Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 And, why does the OW even care if the BW forgives her? Absolutely. If the OW cared what the BW felt, one way or another, she wouldn't be boning her H. The BW is either irrelevant, or she matters. For those OW to whom the BW matters, they're in perpetual turmoil about the A, and usually bail before it eats them up completely. For those OW for whom the BW is irrelevant - post hoc remorse is, well, a case of too little too late to the BW, I'd guess.
herenow Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Absolutely. If the OW cared what the BW felt, one way or another, she wouldn't be boning her H. The BW is either irrelevant, or she matters. For those OW to whom the BW matters, they're in perpetual turmoil about the A, and usually bail before it eats them up completely. For those OW for whom the BW is irrelevant - post hoc remorse is, well, a case of too little too late to the BW, I'd guess. Agree again. People prioritize relationships everyday. It's logical that a BW will care more about forgiving her H than forgiving the OW. He is more important in her life. In most cases, there is no relationship between the BW and the OW, so it's quite obvious that the BW would focus mostly on her H.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Lady solidarity?? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: I'd sooner believe in father christmas, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy! Have you ever seen how mean and bitchy girls are to each other in primary school playgrounds? That's just the start of it! And why should "another woman's goods" be anymore off limits than another man's? That's like saying white people should stick together against black people, or people who speak English should stick together against people who speak Spanish. Jingoism, racism, sexism, IMO. Put it like this then: Most women can empathise with another womans pain, and wouldn't want to hurt someone else. I know people say you don't choose who you fall for, but in the end of the day, if they are taken and you know they are, you should choose to not progress with it. I've had a few offers from taken men, I've turned them all away saying go fix your personal life, not look for a way out. Because I wouldn't want to be betrayed like that, and wouldn't want to be a part of something like that. Anyhoops: The point remains that the BS does not owe the OW/OM forgiveness. They knowingly destroyed their life, so why should they be forgiven any more than the spouse? JMHO.
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 They both were involved in the affair, so I blamed them equally. They both were butts after the affair so I blamed them equally. Neither is less to blame or more in my opinion. They screwed each other knowing that they both were married. THEY hurt two families. They both lied and deceived. They both didn't give a damn about their children or their spouses. They both aren't entitled to my forgiveness no more than I am entitled to the Lord's forgiveness. They both got it because I don't need them being an obstacle to anything that is good for me and my children. Sometimes that forgiveness has to reoccur when one or both decide they don't want to leave me or my kids the hell alone, but I eventually get there. Thank God.
Spoiled Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 They both were involved in the affair, so I blamed them equally. They both were butts after the affair so I blamed them equally. Neither is less to blame or more in my opinion. They screwed each other knowing that they both were married. THEY hurt two families. They both lied and deceived. They both didn't give a damn about their children or their spouses. They both aren't entitled to my forgiveness no more than I am entitled to the Lord's forgiveness. They both got it because I don't need them being an obstacle to anything that is good for me and my children. Sometimes that forgiveness has to reoccur when one or both decide they don't want to leave me or my kids the hell alone, but I eventually get there. Thank God. Question......did you and/or "Mr. Messy" attempt to reconcile? If I recall correctly, he did not make any efforts?? I cannot imagine the pain a BS feels but I admire and commend anyone who forgives for such transgressions, no matter what their reasons.
NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If the OW is like most OW that don't feel that the owe the BW anything, she doesn't feel she needs to be forgiven for anything anyway.
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