No Contact or what?

[Expo]

This was my first real relationship. My ex and I have been dating for the past two years. For the past two months or so, we've been arguing a lot over how much we saw each other. She just seemed always busy and it got to me. I tried my best to understand it and I was honestly very flexible, but it did annoy me. These arguments came and gone until about a month ago where we decided to take a break. We both knew we still had feelings for each other but things weren't going to last if we kept going at it like this.

 

During our "break", we continued to talk normally and I felt that nothing had actually changed. I thought it was silly to be doing this. We had a lot of time over the holiday break so we ended up seeing each other a few times. The day after Christmas, we hung out with each other and it ended with some kissing, and her saying that "we aren't good with this break". We talked about it, reaffirmed our feelings for each other, and left the situation happily. I knew it was unusual, but it made me feel good so I just went with the flow.

 

So I went over to her house to just hang out on New Years day and I was feeling a little pushy and basically said "we're together or we're not because I'm terrible at doing this break thing". I know I shouldn't have said it, we were doing fine, but I just felt that I couldn't deal with playing with what seemed like a game. She got really emotional and admitted that she was trying to use the break get the feelings for me she used to have before we started arguing frequently. We talked a little, but it got nowhere. She began to cry and when she does, she doesn't talk much. She told me that it was over and I should leave. I left feeling empty and somewhat confused.

 

It's been 10 or so days and we haven't talked. I'm not sure exactly what happened along the way that veered us off our path because it seemed like things should've been so much better. I've taken all the advice I've found online: talk to close friends, keep busy, etc. I spoke to one of our mutually close friends (weird, I know) and he says that she is trying very hard to move on and that she told him that when she sees me, she "doesn't feel anything". I think it's an exaggeration because I know her character, but it makes me feel terrible.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I tell myself that I want to get over her, but in my gut I secretly want her back. I know that we are very different people in how we prioritize and see things, but we made it work for a good amount of time. It's been a real rollercoaster and I'm cycling through emotions constantly.

 

So, any advice on what to do? I've been reading these boards and it says NC is the only way to even have a shred of hope of winning somebody back but I feel like our relationship ended on a bad note where NC just wouldn't make sense. Should I talk to her and set things right before going back into NC? If not, then what?

 

thanks

Edited January 11, 2010 by Expo

[sugarmomma]

The arguments that you gloss over must have been pretty bad for them to change her felings toward you. So, how bad did they get? Was there name calling, dismissing, minimizing, silent treatment, verbal abuse etc.

 

No contact is good but in the meantime you should take a look at the part you played in the r and own up to the things you may have said or done that were wrong. If not, you'll just be the same person in the next r.

[Expo]

Ah, it wasn't my intention to gloss over them. The arguments that we had didn't have any name-calling or anything like that, but they always ended in the same conclusion: she was busy and it couldn't change right now. It isn't my place to tell her to stop doing what she's doing, so I kept a lot of it bottled up. I wanted her to make time for me by herself without me constantly pushing for it.

 

From the way I typed up the story it could seem like I was the bad guy, but I really did put a lot into the relationship. There were times where she said she didn't know why we were still trying if we fought so frequently and I always had to tell her that it was worth it. I felt that I was investing more into the relationship than she was.

 

I do know that the ultimatum that I gave to her was wrong. That was selfish and unfair of me and I want her to know that someway or another.

 

Sorry if i'm rambling, I just want to get my thoughts down somewhere.

[Expo]

anybody?

[Expo]

I think I would acknowledge that I said some things that I didn't necessarily mean because I was frusted and angry. Even though I try to tell myself otherwise, I really do want her back. However, over the past few days I've realized that I built too much of my life around the relationship and not enough for...well, "me" things.

 

She'll still be busy I'm sure, but I don't think it'll be as much as a problem (if we got back together of course :x). Actually, as I'm typing this I think the breakup did have some positive effects. It allowed me to renew some links with my old friends and set a few personal goals unrelated to a relationship to make sure my day doesn't revolve around it. It might be just a little premature, but I think I have a better perspective on how to go about in a relationship.

 

I want her back, I don't know how to go about it, but I do know that I've changed a lot just from the past 10 or so days. I do want to talk to her, even if she is "over me".

Edited January 13, 2010 by Expo

[HLP234]

Who asked for the break first? If you are hurting because of it, its no use to you to just play along. That is what I did and it got me nowhere. She left without me knowing.

 

As much as you want her back, you have to take some time and figure yourself out. If you feel you have put a lot into the relationship and she just hasn't been working with you, than the only thing you can do is accept that it is time for you to move on.

 

Even if you got back together, things won't go back to normal as they were the first time. It will just be weird unless both of you have talked and layed out the specifics that you too were going to work it out no matter what.

 

I dunno how I let my break last a month or so, but at the 10 day mark, when we were still talking, I was horrible and depressed yet I would hold it in. It didn't end good as she just made things worse abandoning me without letting me know her decision.

 

I think that what you said was not mean, an ultimatum sort of. Breaks are harder on those that do not want them because you feel as if its not doing anything. Most times, it isn't and its just a way for the other person to slowly separate themselves from you.

 

They think they are letting you down easily but in fact, the person on the other end of the break is the one taking it the hardest.

[Expo]

Thanks for the reply. She came up with the idea for the break first a while back.

 

I've figured a few things out for myself, which I'm happy about, and i'm not spending all my waking hours thinking about it anymore, but I still miss her and want her back.

 

I realize that it won't be easy but I'm willing to give it a final shot before I call it quits. If nothing else, this is a learning experience.

[HLP234]

If you are going to give it another go, wait until she says something specific to you guys working things out.

 

Don't contact her at all, even if she texts that she misses you and what not. Of course she will miss you because you are not there to be around for her when she wants.

 

Do NC, and this time do things for yourself. When and if the time comes that she says she wants to get back together with you, then tell her you want to meet her and have a serious talk.

 

At that talk, lay out everything, don't leave anything you feel unsaid. This will be your final stand and if you tell her everything, if it doesn't go good, at least you were honest and can go on without regrets. Just be weary of how she acts when you guys decide to "talk." Anything that is bland and sounds like she is unsure or no effort is coming, let her know you will not wait around and need to move on because it takes two people to work things out..you can't have a relationship with only one person.

[Expo]

Ah, so I should just go NC then?

[HLP234]

Yes for now go NC. And do not budge at all unless you hear the specifics about you two getting back together. Any contact with her will end up with you having hopes when she will just be pulling you along without realizing.

 

If you have been badly hurt by this, go NC and don't even think about getting back with her. Depends on how bad you are hurting. Sometimes if it brings you down everyday, think about it..would if be worth it to be with this person again? Would they fix all the problems in your life..no they wouldn't. There are many others out there that can appreciate you for who you are and treat you with respect.

 

You may not meet them instantly, in a month, or in a year..but one day you will find someone randomly at some random place and you will realize things click and that this was just something in the past. It takes time to get there but it will happen one day.